Nepal ~ Pokhara – 2014
It was just another day in Nepal, like any other. You know – toilet trouble and searing heat…these are the things that a tourist encounters most vividly whilst spending time in this country. You feel like you want to go places, and that you should do things…but you are scared that on route your backside will explode into your underpants, or that you will faint from heat exhaustion due to the sun, which seems friend only to mosquitoes and a band of overzealous rickshaw drivers…
“REEECKSHAW SAR, REEECKSHAA-“
“ARGHHHHHH, NO, NO, NO, JUST LET ME CURL UP AND DIE IN FUCKING PEACE!”
Anyway…of course you eventually think you have it all under control…you don’t eat, and anytime you do you shove a bunch of pills down your throat…you try to avoid the sun, and anytime you can’t; you smear factor 50 generously over your skin. In short, you hope for the best but expect the worst.
This was our thought process when we decided to follow the trail up to the Peace Pagoda, in Pokhara. You see the guide book said something about frequent robberies in the forests surrounding it; bandits jumping out and threatening unsuspecting visitors, offering to slit their throats should they not cooperate – you know when people use the expression “I just shit myself!” to illustrate the fact that they have just received a huge shock? Well we gave real consideration to the fact that, should some thugs jump out, the phrase may take on a far more literal connotation…
But we thought…hmmm…let’s go anyway…was this wise? Probably not.
Still we stepped out. My sister brought the umbrella with her – she had been using it as a parasol for the entire duration of the trip and so far it had worked like a charm! However as we entered the shade of the forest it became largely unnecessary, and was eventually passed to me to hold on to…I started swinging it in front of me to carve a way out for ourselves as we journeyed up the uneven route. There’s something about trekking, mountain walking and wandering in forests that always makes me think of The Lord of the Rings, I was Aragon (obviously) leading the way and slicing through any leaf that dared stand in my way…
At this point I’d realized for some time that there was no way this was the actual path, but wanted to maintain some kind of look of cool confidence, so carried on in the same way…despite the fact that the climb was getting steeper, the ground more squelchy, and the bugs a lot more enthusiastic…I urged my sister on, telling her there was probably not long to go – when in reality I had no fucking clue what the hell we were doing. In the slightest. At all. Like, not even a little bit.
“ARGHHH, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK SHITTTT!”
I spun around, what was going on back there? Robbers? Thieves? I had been thinking through all possible scenarios in my head ever since we left the hotel, this would be my time to shine, this would be my moment of glory – I would fight them all off with a single umbrella…people would call me crazy, but brave…they would think of me as wild, but undeniably heroic. Maybe I would write a blog post about it – and it would go viral – and I would forever be “That Aragon umbrella guy that fought off a gang of bandits”…hmmm, bit wordy, but I can think of a better one later…but yeah, YEAH, THAT COULD BE ME!
I was disappointed then, to see that the attacker was simply a bug or two on my sister’s leg. She was standing on one foot, hopping around in a circle whilst screeching, and hitting things with her other flip flop:
“THEY’RE ALL ON ME, THEY’RE ALL ON ME!”
I stood and watched the hilarious scene, clutching the material of the umbrella over my mouth to try and stifle my giggles. Once I had calmed down, I gave some meaningless made-up advice…you know, the type you give when you really haven’t got much of a clue about the situation, or indeed what the appropriate action should be…it was probably something like…
“Ahh, it’s okay, just swish them away, they won’t like that!” OR “If you just keep moving they won’t be able to land on you, just keep going!” OR “watch your feet as they go…and just…don’t stand in any bug zones…” I had absolutely no idea what was coming out of my mouth, I was just talking and hoping my brain would work out the rest without the need for independent thought on my end…after a few minutes we continued on…
“ARGHHHHHH – FUCK, THEY KEEP COMING!”
Again her shrieks and screams echoed around the trees – this time I stopped again, and out of boredom more than anything else; started to check my own legs for creepy crawlies – I mean how was it just her that was suffering? But there was nothing there…so I slipped off my flip flops and felt the earthy ground beneath my toes…I then turned one of my feet over to inspect it closer…
“ARGHHHH! THEY’RE ON MEEEEEE!”
“WHAT?!”
“THREE ON MY FOOT, THREE ON MY FOOT!”
“ARGHHHHH!”
“ARGHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
We started to run back the way that we came, squealing and squawking as we hurried, throwing our limbs around wildly, flicking and swatting as we went – stumbling and slipping on the marshy mud under us. Many times I fell on the floor, “WUWWWWWWW!” I would land straight on my back, attempting to break my fall with the palms of my hands – every time I would hop straight back up to be met with group of blood suckers, gnawing and nibbling on any bare bit of meat they could get a hold of.
John was well and truly on the menu, and it was an all you can eat buffet – the greedy bastards!
We eventually got back to the hotel…every bit of my skin still wiggled and squirmed – I was convinced by some insane streak of paranoia, that they had burrowed inside of me and were now eating me from inside out…I grabbed at the anti-bacterial hand wash and squirted it straight on to my open wounds…
“YARGHHHHHHH – THAT BURNS. THAT BURNS. THAT BURRRRRRNS!”
We made a pact not to check on Google if disease and infection could be spread by leeches…after all what was the point? What could we do now? We’d heard that there are basically no hospitals that could deal with anything serious, and that instead you are flown to Bangkok, Thailand should you be truly on death’s door…not sure if that is true…however, well, I’m eternally curious – and checked in secret if leeches could render me dead sooner or later.
They can’t.
That didn’t stop me having many sleepless nights after this…expecting in some kind of X-Files scene, the leeches would wriggle out of me – filled to the brim of my blood and ready to gobble off my head whole.
That didn’t happen…
But still guys, learn from my mistake will you? Don’t wear flip-flops and shorts when alien life forms (like leeches) are about – it’s never going to be a fun time…
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John Lee Taggart 
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