MIA: So many stories to tell.

Oh my Lordy, here he is: the prodigal son of WordPress – he was lost and now he is found, praise be to Baby Jesus!

Hi everyone, I know it has been forever and you’re probably wondering one of three things, either 1.) “Where have you been?!”, 2.)”What have you been doing?!”, or 3.) “Who the fuck are you?!” Perhaps even a mean-spirited cocktail of the three…not very festive but all good points. To tell you the truth I have been working, hard. See below:

I currently lead the Comms and creative campaigns for a small charity based in the UK – there’s always so much to do for this great cause, which takes me around the world (which yes, I still love) introducing me to beautiful souls on a daily basis. I can’t complain, it’s a dream in so many different ways!

But it has meant my own personal stuffs has suffered, and this makes me sad. I want to find the time to redevelop Storytime with John (if you still all want to hear from me!) – keep yo’ eyes peeled for 2020. Love, hugs, and tinsel kisses to all!

#StoryTimeWithJohn #ComebackKing #HashTagFREEK #Humour #Comedy #Laughs

When England Meets Heat (Top 8)

 Something horrendous is happening to the once fair and graceful people of the formerly benevolent and peaceful  United Kingdom: this thing is transforming them into slow-moving, reddened, depleted semi-nude versions of themselves…and it shows no signs of relenting (until next week probably). 

Sun-pocalypse, is what some (me) are dubbing it – the few days in the year when the sun comes out, and British people freak the fuck out. Well, this year the rare appearance of that ball of blazes in the sky has, as ever, been accompanied by frenzied tabloid articles from The Sun (COINCIDENCE?! I THINK NOT!) about a looming killer heatwave approximate in temperature to the inside of a volcano. Cue warnings about not straying outside with your dog or she will melt, don’t give your Nan too much ice cream or she runs the risk of Cornet Clots…that sort of thing.

Yeah, it’s ridiculous – it’s a total farce: but we wouldn’t really have it any other way. “It’s just a bit of sun, what’s the big deal?” ask Aussies, Spaniards, and just about everyone else apart from Eskimos – but we are Brits, and we like to complain. So, stop attacking our culture, jheez.

Without further rambling here’s the top eight stupid things that we seem to do in the sun. If you are a Brit and don’t recognise any of these then you are either a liar, an impostor, or you have such a high degree of sun stroke that it is affecting your ability for rational thought (go get checked, I’m worried about you man) : 

1. We make obvious statements about the weather…

Okay so you look out of the window and it is sunny – you make a comment to a friend or colleague about this observation…something along the lines of: “it is sunny outside”, or “it is very sunny outside”, or perhaps if you are feeling a little outrageous: “wow, it is very sunny outside.” 

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You then have a five to ten minute exchange with said person in which you make parallels to how it was cold last week, and how it was even colder in Winter. Perhaps you share an anecdote or two, like the fact that you made a snowman back in February and now your diet is almost entirely comprised of ice cream…it’s craziness! Madness of the highest order! It’s also oh so bland. 

2. Partake in daytime drinking because, sun…

Listen, there are set rigid rules set out by our good Lord and creator himself that we must live by…struggle with. It’s a massive shame and not ideal in the slightest but we just have to get on with it and maintain our stiff upper lip.

One of these rules is that you must drink alcohol at any time in the airport when going on your summer holiday. I don’t care that it is 6am and you don’t feel like it – this is your duty to Queen and country…you must be pissed by 7:30am whilst boarding your plane or a Beef-Eater will come around your house and take away your television. That’s the rule, it’s in the fucking Magna Carta for God’s sake, so just shut up and abide by it.

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Another rule is that due to lovely long summer days daytime drinking in general becomes not just acceptable, but vigorously encouraged. Screw the whole waiting till 3pm thing…get in a beer garden and stay put – last week the weather was miserable so make the fucking most of it. (Sidenote: I know it’s a work/school night but just stay for one more, one more, one more…until you get the sack).

 

3. Get the guns/gut out…

Now not everyone is like me and has the body of a Greek God (shadddap I mean Dionysus, God of fertility and wine – oioi!) so they really should think twice before stripping off in public. Keyword there, should, but many don’t…in fact there is something about the start of British summertime that makes men think they are already doing a tour of Zante or Ibiza…

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I mean sure, if you’ve got it then flaunt it babez – but you’re going to pick up a couple of pints of green top milk for your Mam, please clothe yourself and save it for the beach.

 

4. Share your music with the world…

It’s summer, so you can get away with murder when it comes to your car playlist. You would likely get some peculiar looks looks from white van men if you were blasting Wham! on full belt during a grim wintry January evening – but add a little sun into the mix and you will receive knowing nods, thumbs up, and smiley sing-a-longs.

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Disclaimer: people may also throw things at you – please don’t hold me responsible for this. 

 

5. Be outraged that a 99 Flake doesn’t cost 99p…

“Back in my day they were 99p!” you croak through your wrinkled sallow face, suddenly feeling decades older. But it is true, the price has gone up quite a bit since the 1990s, when you could get yourself a 99 for 99p. But then again you could also get three houses, two cars on credit, and a jacuzzi fitted in your brand-new conservatory. Inflation, we hate you, ya bastard.

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Oh and while we are on, what is with calling “Monkey’s Blood” strawberry sauce?! I am going to write a strongly worded letter to my MP to really get – urgh scratch that…I am only 26, imagine how insufferable I will be by the time I reach retirement age. Apologies.

6. Have a food-poison laden spontaneous BBQ…

 

You know people the world over seem to denounce the Great British cuisine as lesser than shit, denigrating it to the ranks of some of the most boring flavourless tripe that humankind has ever seen. Now I find that unfair, because whilst it may not be exotic by any stretch of the imagination, it is most definitely interesting…and the British summer BBQ is evidence of that.

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By interesting I mean it will do unusual things to your insides – in fact it may likely kill you. But you wouldn’t want to be seen as impolite at a family BBQ so you munch half-hardheartedly at that suspect meat provided in a dry bun by your knobhead Uncle…dreading the next couple of hours that will undoubtedly be filled with a vile burning sensation…and not a one that after-sun can cure either.

7. Sunbathe in the front garden…

Most people don’t even go out most of the time: I mean, why would you when you have television and YouTube at your fingertips…but the sun makes people do caaaraaayzeee, things, things like well, (gasp) going outdoors.

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Suddenly that front step, that little bit of patio, or that patch of grass outside your house, are transformed into a paradise land that should be enjoyed for all they are worth. You get a chair and plonk it down, you survey your kingdom…every square foot of it. This is what summer is all about: “this is great why don’t I do this more often it’sss-fuckkkk I think I am burning” – 

8. Slap on the sun cream – realise you missed a spot…

Now I am whiter than white: so white I likely couldn’t even be a hue of paint…and even if you managed to create such a thing –  no one would want it. For instance I step outdoors  for a few moments to check if I should wear a long-sleeve or a t-shirt and-SIZZLE SIZZLE-my face swells up like one hundred pounds of ham.

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But like a lot of people in these lands I have a love-hate relationship with sun cream. I love that there is a cream that is supposed to help me not become an embarrassing shade of red, and yet I hate that said cream because it doesn’t fucking work at all. Most miss a spot, I seemingly miss all of my spots and then get actual spots due to the fact I just slathered a bunch of grease over my pores…

Ahhh summer, don’t you just love it?! Roll on Autumn. 


Well, what did I miss? Let me know…but I am about to return to my cave and stay there until the sun goes back into hiding – see you in a couple of months. 

FIRST FEATURE FILM: Montserrat Madness

COMING SOON – the dramatic epic that is sure to rock the world: a tale of two men, one mountain, and lots of stress fuelled largely by a lack of fitness.

This really tickled me, and I hope it does for you too – in a world where it seems horrendous things happen all too often, it is joy and happiness which should reign supreme:

You really should subscribe to his channel if you are big on the YouTubez, as my friend is not only a talented young whippersnapper but is also offering free cakes to the first few people who get in touch with him. DISCLAIMER: you have to fly all the way to South Korea to pick up said cakes, by then they may be gone, also I may have made this whole thing up – but still, subscribe anyway? Thanks pals.


I hope everyone is doing well, I have had a whole lot going on lately but haven’t forgotten about all you lovely people…I have Barcelona (Spain) to write about, Gdansk (Poland) next month, and a couple of weeks on the road in the USA in July…so let’s have everything crossed that I get my act in order and come back with some silliness after that – there’s bound to be a couple of tales. Till then, peace and love people – peace and love x

British & Korean vs. Barcelona (영국남자)

Check out my goofy bad self featuring in my friend’s brand spanking new YouTube channel…

Make sure to subscribe to his channel to keep the good stuff coming…the next one (Preview: 2:04) features an arduous hiking trail up Montserratt is sure to be an absolute crease…apologies in advance for the swearing and sweating that ensued.

#MakeStorytimeWithJohnGreatAgain

God’s Gift

I don’t know what it is lately, but all of a sudden I’ve been getting  friend requests from countless stunningly beautiful women! Perhaps they dig my pale skin, or they’ve heard about my flat feet…maybe huge wonky noses are now thought to be attractive? I’m not really sure what I have been doing differently, but whatever it is – it is working!

Some like the very lovely Krista are just looking to have fun, which is absolutely fine with me…I mean who doesn’t like fun? She hasn’t really put forward any ideas, but I thought we could go to see Logan on Tuesday when it is half price – would be nice right?

Or perhaps she is more of a home-bird…so we could stay in and play a board game? Charades? Whatever. I suppose it doesn’t matter, as long as there are good people, good company and good laughs.


But not all have been as cool as Krista: some seem slightly deranged in fact…as if they have had a few significant heavy knocks to the head and have been taught butchered English by highly sexualised versions of Yoda and Jar Jar Binks:

I mean I’m flattered and everything – certainly don’t want to seem ungrateful but; “narrow vagina and fragrant”, and “white liquid of boyfriend”…not exactly the best way to make pals online. Most people lead with something about their lives (this does not include news of vagina freshness) like where they have travelled to, or where they would like to go…music preferences, what they like to eat and drink. (Again, leave the white liquid of boyfriend off that description too.)


On a not to serious, but a bit more serious note…I get quite a few of these a DAY – at first it was amusing but now it is slowly driving me insane. I hoped this blog post would help me vent.

5 Ways You Screw Up Your Life (and don’t even realise it!)

This may not be news to you, but it’s the new year – and with it comes a plethora of good intentions and subsequent feelings of “I hate myself, why did I eat an entire truckload of doughnuts?” But don’t worry, I’m here for you – and although I intend to eat whatever I want, and do whatever I want, I still somehow feel very comfortable giving friendly (as well as hugely condescending and patronising) advice like the rest of the internet.

I have identified five ways in which people, that includes you (however if you are an alien reading this, piss off back to Mars – this isn’t for you), screw up their lives monumentally on a daily basis…without even knowing it. Combat these five bad habits, and you will be well on your way to living the life you have always dreamed of!

1) We compare ourselves to other people who are more famous:

Listen you will never be Augustus Gloop. No matter how hard you try you will never be able to fall in a chocolate river and die by way of your lungs slowly filling up with choco milk. It’s not happening, ever. You can fall in a regular river, you can buy some chocolate from your local convenience store – but you cannot, repeat cannot, be Augustus Gloop. So stop beating yourself up because your reality doesn’t match that of Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory…you’re painfully normal, and that’s okay.

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Just a thought, but to you high-flyers reading this – how about you work your way up at Shell or another big oil company…become the head honcho…and then instead of leaking oil into the sea, you leak chocolate milkshake. That way you will make a real difference by letting us little people live out our fantasises!

2) We  don’t let people in:

Holding the door shut behind you every time you enter a room is a sure fire way to lose friends and alienate people. Perhaps that sounds good, perhaps that’s actually why you do it in the first place – but trust me when I say this…it’s not cool. Holding a hospital door shut? Well done you just killed someone. Holding a supermarket door shut? Well done an old lady somewhere isn’t going to have milk in her tea. Holding your own door shut? Well done…well actually no, no one is coming to your door anymore because they can’t stand you. 

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Let people in for God’s sake.

3) We  forget that life is a musical:

I know what you are thinking, for the most part musicals are incredibly annoying and people who like them are either demented or lying to themselves. But no – they are in actual fact, brilliant! So with that in mind you should live your life as a musical if you really want to find true happiness in your day to day life.

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“Seventeen-fifty!? Seventeen-fifty? Seventeen-fiiiiiiftyyyyy for condoms – you must be having a laaaaaaaaugh!” No matter the scenario everyone loves a good sing song, and they will likely join in. Especially at funerals. The best tip I can give is to narrate every single detail…it takes a bit of practice but eventually you will get the knack, and soon enough you will be the life and soul of every party. People will even throw things at you, sometimes even flowers. Which brings me to my next bit of advice…

4) We throw eggs at elderly people whilst shouting strange internet jargon at them:

It’s so ingrained in Western culture to do this that I will probably lose some followers just by suggesting it…but stop, stop it right now. These people should be treated with respect, so may I suggest that instead you use those eggs to create a delicious cake. Spend time with them and hear their stories…you can actually pick a lot of perspective. You also get to eat cake in the process – doesn’t that seem a healthier way to spend your time? Sure there’s no laughter but who needs humour in this hilariously positive world. No one.

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AND DON’T THROW THE CAKE. DON’T!!

5) We dig holes in the side of hills in a bid to become a real-life Hobbit, and then give up half-way through:

You’ve had a hard day at work, or an easy day slacking off at school, and you are worn out. It’s understandable, your mind starts to wander and you think “what if?” You watch a few YouTube videos and some American guy tells you that you need to live in the now, and that if you want something you should just do it, go for it, RIGHT NOW. You nod to yourself and grab a shovel – find a nearby hill – and get to work. But you didn’t really think it through…I mean how do I support the ceiling? Do I have to pay council tax? Where will my post be delivered to? How do I even…

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You return home defeated, and people start calling you a “Halfling” in your local area…not because you were almost a Hobbit – but because you did half a job, and are essentially a waste of space. Listen, I have been there, and it is a hard one to beat…but the best thing to do is to just not try at all. Perhaps try and be an orc instead? That would probably be easier…all you have to do is smoke 100 cigarettes a day and inject meth into your eyeballs every hour. Good Luck. 

For more helpful advice, check this out.

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Please buy my collection of stories! Get it in paperback here – or on Kindle here! ALL proceeds go towards Macmillan Cancer Support!

Lottery Wins…

Like most people I often dream of a lottery win…I romanticise the notion of a sudden influx of money and then think of where I would go, what I would do, and in most cases what I wouldn’t do: such as fly economy and mingle with the filthy peasants outside of my large manor gates. Just joking, they can come in but they better not make eye contact…or else it’s the hounds for them.

Anyway it’s a somewhat trivial and silly way to pass the time, but a fun one nonetheless. There’s something freeing about being able to dream, something child-like about the range of possibilities and the boundaries of realism which you can push past. There’s not enough of that these days I find, it’s all super serious – rather than nodding and furthering your dreams people are all: “oh nooo, you can’t do that! Come on now, get real! John pull your pants up, you’re in a fucking supermarket after all!” It’s ridiculous, it really is.  Just let me live, let me be.

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So as I sipped the finest ale (whichever one had the funniest name), from the finest establishment in all of Sunderland (admittedly a low bar) I allowed my mind to wander into the world of life-long holidays, happy smiles, and real differences to the population at large. My best friends and I wouldn’t have to work another day in our lives – apart from that which made us happy of course – we would go from place to place, we would meet with people from all different places, and would never have a care in the world. I’d also find the cure to cancer, and think up some way to eat as much Doritos as you want but still have washboard abs. It would be fucking fantastic. 

As I go through personal struggles and torment, it is brief stupid times like this spent with my nearest and dearest which make all the difference. As much as it is dreaming about a life so alien to your own, it also helps you remember what you do have, and how special that really is.

With that said I should probably start putting on the lottery if I really want to win it. I know I have as much chance of winning as Donald Trump does this presidential election…but…he may actually…hmm…got any lucky numbers?

www.facebook.com/storytimewithjohn

www.youtube.com/storytimewithjohn101

Please buy my collection of stories! Get it in paperback here – or on Kindle here! ALL proceeds go towards Macmillan Cancer Support!