Cock Please

I’ve been asked to provide five possible short stories, which display language errors – for a Korean made English language book – I suppose the aim is to point out possible mistakes that could be made, so that English learners don’t have to make them personally! Anyway, I have to get them done by Sunday! Phew, that’s a lot of work! So yeah, rough and ready; here is the 1st of 5: 

Every once in a while, as Korean work culture dictates – the boss will take all of his employees out for a staff dinner. The set menu of this occasion is usually something like; meal, drinks, more drinking, karaoke, more drinking, then slump back to bed wishing you hadn’t had those last few soju shots. It’s a well established formula, and always makes for gossip fueled dramas, as well as silly memories among your work colleagues. Some people dread it, some people love it.

Dunno GIF

What I wasn’t expecting to be offered was…errr…something other than food, alcohol, and the microphone…I mean I certainly wasn’t expecting to be offered “a cock”. 

You see there I was…happily chowing down on some grilled meat, and vegetables – when my boss leaned in to my ear – and whispered…“would you like – a cock?” Erm. Errr…well, I was frozen to the spot. I didn’t know what to say – no one wants to be rude to their boss, especially in Korea that is a big no-no! So I asked him to repeat his question…maybe I had misheard?

“Would you like a cock?” 

Ralphie Shock GIF

No. I hadn’t misheard – that is most definitely what he had said – I looked around for someone, anyone to save me…thankfully I noticed the waiter next to me, and worked out that he actually meant to say Coke, as in Coca Cola! 

“Oh, yes!” I replied – “One cock, please!”

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Korean Kung-Fu Fighting

Oh my goodness! Look what I just found! I’d forgotten there was video!

p.s. just a little side note – the reason I am moving so robotically, is that my boob piece thing was about to pop out, and my various weaponry was also threatening to fall out of my belt – so it was my little way of trying to minimize movement…urgh…the struggles of a performer, ey? 

p.p.s. Don’t mess with Korean kids, I think that much is clear! 

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Harmony, Peace…and other dreams.

I would love to live in a perfect world.

For me it would be all marshmallow houses, chocolate rivers, and a whole lot of laughter. Basically the plot of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Minus the singing mind you, because I couldn’t really deal with that – but the overall positive vibe, and focus on confectionery make it a paradise I wish we could someday live in.

Pure Imagination GIF

Alright, I must admit I’m not sure what that world would actually look like…as it has never been that way…woolly mammoths chewing our legs, God induced floods wrecking everything, and a whole lot of man-made monstrosities doing a lot more damage, have made humankind skeptical about whether a perfect world can ever become a reality, that maybe we are destined to live in an unfair shit-hole where some thrive, and some struggle to even survive.

This appears to be a terrifying reality, so we try and ignore it…we used to look up at the stars, and curse the Gods for inflicting such pain upon us, ask them what we had done to wrong them so – rather than facing the fact that it was just humans being fucked up once again…we would beg them to allow us to “win” bloody wars, implore them to improve our social standing, or whatever other greed fueled desires we wished for…basically we would think of the problem as external to us, rather than being anything to do with our own behaviour.

…but now it’s becoming shockingly clear that the disease is among us – the foul disease of intolerance, corruption, and hate. 

So yes, the harsh truth is we don’t live in a perfect world – not even close. But the light at the end of the tunnel is this; as all of this ignorant bullshit was created by man, so it can also (I hope) be undone by man; piece by piece, little by little…by something that is foreign to a lot of people, and that is – being fucking nice to people. Phew, easy as that! You’re welcome world!

Leo Dance GIF

Oh…you think there’s more to it? Ooops…is there?

Yeah John , fucking hell – it’s not as simple as that! You’re oversimplifying everything – put on your thinking hat! What if they come from a different place, what if they’re a different race? What if they’re gay, what if they’re straight? What if they’re God-fearing, disbelieving, or a heathen? What if then? Huh? Huh? Huh?

 Now it’s true that there are differences among people – and for some reason we use these things to divide. Is it human nature? I hope not. We should celebrate these glorious divergences, not allow them to box us in, or border us off – they should enrich us, we should share them with one another, as a way to bring us together!

The recent video of Eric Garner in particular made me cry in despair (LITERALLY) – as it brought to light in a raw, and obvious form that there are still major divisions between us, based on factors that shouldn’t fucking matter. Fear, and the threat of violence are no way for us to live in the 21st century…in the developed world…if you don’t see that, then…urghhhh…

But despair gets us nowhere, unfriending those people on Facebook who spout hatred won’t do a thing – real change happens when we mold ignorant minds, and show them the way. Otherwise the ignorant will remain the way they are.

I wrote this with those people in mind, I do hope you share it with those who need it the most. We may never have a perfect world…but it’ll be a start…

With special thanks to www.edwinaepisodes.com for being one of the nice ones. 

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