Really Neat

Thanks to perseshow who nominated me for the “Real Neat Blog Award” many moons ago – sorry I’m only just getting around to working on it now!  The drafts section can be a cold, and unforgiving place…where many, many, posts never see the cold light of day…

 Anyway yeah, cheers! I wasn’t sure what was meant by ‘Really Neat’…I suppose it means cool rather than well organised – as my blog is more often than not, a mad free for all!

But either way,  here are my answers to the questions that were posed:

If you could travel to one place anywhere on the globe, where would you go?

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Well, next on the list is Japan…probably in a month or two…but a dream destination of mine which some may already know is New Zealand. I almost feel guilty that the sole reason is based around The Lord of the Rings – and that aside from that I have no real knowledge of the place whatsoever. I’m a simple soul really, I just want to put in my earphones with the soundtrack blasting…and wander through the foothills pretending I’m on a quest….after which I will kick back in my hobbit hole, eat some bread, smoke a long pipe, and bathe my unusually hairy feet. Can’t wait.

If you could change one thing about the world, past or present, would you and what would it be?

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For the sake of keeping this light-hearted I’m not going to mention the holocaust, or slavery – but obviously those, and a number of other human-induced atrocities are the first to spring to mind. Damn I technically just mentioned them…so will move swiftly on! 

Errr, yeah! Lets have fun with this instead, and allow my imagination to wander a little, will you?  If I could change one thing about the world it would be a rather major (and impossible) one…I would change the whole structure of things so that less time, and effort could be dedicated to mindless inane jobs in order to buy the newest plastic pollutant…and more could be put towards people fulfilling their passions. Of course it couldn’t really happen as no one would be so passionate about cleaning a toilet, or emptying a stranger’s bin…but one can dream, one can dream…

What’s your favourite pastime activity?

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I’ll let you guess…go on, GUESS. No it’s not playing with my slinky, and perfecting the sexy I couldn’t give a shit bed head hairdo! It’s comedy. A rather broad answer, but most things in my life revolve around it these days, which kind of gives me an enormous sense of well-being and purpose. Which is nice. If I’m not writing some humorous stuff, then I’m making videos, or recording a podcast…if I’m not doing any of those then you may find me lazing in bed watching a stand up special…or in a classroom acting the clown with the kids, or perhaps even in a bar someplace laughing with friends over a few beers. Good times. 

What do you think is the greatest hurdle of blogging?

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Well, a couple of months ago I would have told you that the biggest hurdle to blogging is yourself…that if you stick in, and keep on track with it you can be sure to become successful. But that’s not my battle at the moment…you see I am still to this day limited by the WordPress Lynch Mob through the amount of new blogs I can follow/discover – I used to keep up to date with a lot more people. And that’s impossible to do now. I am happy to be here still, but a bit of the zeal has gone as I feel I am being punished for gaining a larger audience. Take whatever wisdom you can from that, if any. 

If you could make a wish come true, would you and what would it be?

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“If I had one wish, it would be more wishes – DURRR!” Wise words from Kid CuD…and I certainly echo that sentiment! Although for the sake of this post I won’t be a dick about it, and will answer in a more fair way. My wish would be that all of my immediate family, and close friends will permanently be okay financially. Not billionaires, or even over-night millionaires! (Money can change people into Gollum very easily) But yes, it would be just enough that they could pursue any interest they have, without worry…go on any trip at any point – not have to work, but want to work as they are building their own dreams. I know, such a romantic! haha! 

What advice would you give to a new blogger who showed up at your blog asking for directions?

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Jokkkkking! Many do, and in spite of my own difficulties I still think interaction is the best way to build your blog, increase your presence, and most importantly foster good relationships with other cool bloggers! But listen…you have to make sure what you are putting out is GOOD – personally I would rather read a blog that posts once a week, or a month even and was filled with gripping, and entertaining content – than a ten times a day poster that is laden with utter TRIPE. So yeah, work on that…and good luck to you my young padawan.

I think I am supposed to link a few people to this? Well, whatever – check out these trill OGs, they’re my typa people: vanbytheriver,  apestract,  nutsrok


Please buy my collection of stories! Get it in paperback here – or on Kindle here! ALL proceeds go towards Macmillan Cancer Support!

Justin Bieber – Comedy Roast! (RANT)

How do people feel about the Justin Bieber, comedy roast thing?


Please buy my collection of stories! Get it in paperback here – or on Kindle here! ALL proceeds go towards Macmillan Cancer Support!

How Do I BEAT Anxiety?!

This video request is from Rehma Aziz – she asked a great question, which was “why do we feel anxiety?”

So in this video I explore that topic, and have a good old root around in my messed up psyche! Enjoy! 

CORRECTION – Rehma is not a gentleman…she’s a gentle…er, lady! I’m just an idiot as per usual. Sorry about that, but thanks again, Rehma – keep em’ coming my friends!


Please buy my collection of stories! Get it in paperback here – or on Kindle here! ALL proceeds go towards Macmillan Cancer Support!

Video Requests/Storytime

Hi friends. I just want to try something, that could become a regular feature (if successful) – if people don’t dig it, or it just straight up doesn’t work then I’ll know it was a silly idea – but here it is…

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…I’d like to start doing weekly or biweekly video requests – they would retain the Storytime format – but the stories themselves would come from you guys, that way the lovely community feel we have going here can continue!

So if you have a story, a situation, or something you want advice on…or even if you want my view on something in the news, or even an abstract rambling from the darkest part of your mind – I’m all for it!  Just send it over, I’ll read it and then make a video discussing/debating the issue…whether it’s serious or just for fun – sometimes it’s nice to get another person’s view.

Email me at – if you want it to be private then PLEASE SAY SO – otherwise I will assume I am being nice by linking your blog/putting your name out, when really I will be committing the worst of sins! Got it? 

Okay hit me with it, if I get interesting stories/discussion points then I may start this tomorrow…maybe it can be every Monday…hmmm…


Please buy my collection of stories! Get it in paperback here – or on Kindle here! ALL proceeds go towards Macmillan Cancer Support!

Lost Marbles

I think I may have just lost my marbles…not literally obviously – I mean I don’t even own marbles in the first place, so it would be impossible to literally lose them. Also I’m quite careful with things, especially with particularly precious items – and I’m guessing they must be pretty fucking special marbles if people bemoan misplacing them quite so much. And make such a huge hullabaloo even when other people do the same with their own…

So yes…metaphorical marbles. I may have lost mine. Although I must say I wasn’t certain – so naturally I turned to the glorious all-knowing oracle we know and love – The Internet…she had this to say:

Losing Marbles

Well I’m not living under a bridge like poor Jimmy, but I do still feel slightly mad. I left my house today needing a change of scenery, I told myself I’d find a cafe so I could continue. But I didn’t find a cafe…well I did actually, I found several – but I didn’t stop. I just kept walking, and I was like “well, that was a cafe? Why didn’t you go in? What’s going on here?!” But I wasn’t listening to myself, or more to the point – I was, but I was ignoring my own queries every single time I passed a perfectly good place.

Just wandering around, then waiting for the lights to change – and then across the road I’d go, then down a street, then around a corner, and on again…and again, and again…sometimes seeing the same faces of stranger’s – who looked bewildered at having spotted me three times in fifteen minutes. I tried to look like I had direction. Like I had an urgent appointment. A business meeting…a lunch date…something that normal people do…

I feel deranged. 

And all of this was poorly glossed over by the music that trickled out of my earphones. A droning crooning…about hearts falling off things, or into things…or something along those lines anyway. It began to grate on me, so much so that I would shut it off completely, if it wasn’t for the fact I’d hear the world’s external sounds. Better this, than that. 

But where do you buy marbles? All this coffee, and no fucking marble shops – I haven’t even heard of a marble shop now I come to think of it, have you?

What is Success?

“What is success?”

And I know, I know…everyone has a different version of the definition – apparently...but we are all people, and for the most part this drives us to want the same things. To love, and be loved…to have a purpose, and a core motivation…to eat an entire family sized lasagna by yourself without being sick. See, that’s probably just me with that last one. But yeah, the question does confuse me – and if I don’t fully understand what it means to be successful, then how will I know when I have reached this grand milestone?

You see at the moment I feel like I have graduated from the meager caterpillar stage…wandering around aimlessly, just consuming everything – with no clear direction…and now I am in the chrysalis stage, locked away in my bedroom cocoon, beavering away…with the hope that I will somehow magically burst into life, like a vibrant butterfly, and spread my wings. Confident, and suave…the Kanye West of comedy writing.

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Precious, ey? Well, although it would be lovely if all that were true – and trust me, it’s what I like to tell myself during my various conversations with, well…myself. I don’t think it is what life is like. Not really. Although it isn’t a sleek, or glamorous metaphor; I reckon we are a lot more like the snail.

Yup. We just mosey on along…pulling along all of the baggage that we accrue day after day…yes, the moss…the dirt…it builds on top of us, but we keep on going, we absorb it…it becomes who we are. 

We can look back at any time, and see the trails that we once took, glistening behind us. Often we went the wrong way, repeated back on ourselves, or looped, and looped, with no clear purpose. But we are still here – and the only real decision is…where are we going now? 

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Well to success of course! Alright…but which way’s that?

The Forking Path

As this year draws to a close, I find myself musing on all that has happened up till now – and pondering on what may come my way in the future…the funny thing is, things never turn out the way you expect – which is what makes life so interesting! Or scary depending on how you look at things…

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I could have taken a lot of different pathways already, and by not following certain ones it has in turn led me on to other things – for better, or for worse! 

Like when I was seventeen, or eighteen…or something, I found myself on the pathway to becoming an accountant. Yeah, exactly…ME…an accountant?! It was complete madness, as I have never been any good at maths; actually even now I find myself counting on my fingers out of force of habit! I recall in school I was often lucky to even get a C grade…that was probably because it didn’t engage, or excite me as a subject – instead I did a lot of looking out of the window, and day-dreaming, which for some reason didn’t pay dividends when it came to my exams. In English it did…which may be unsurprising, but more on that later…

But you see I wasn’t on the accountancy pathway by chance. I had purposefully plonked myself there, albeit with a somewhat faulty compass. I had my (first) girlfriend, who I loved a horrendous amount…you know, the horrible first love where you would tear your eyes out, and fry them for dinner should it ever be requested. It’s manic, and a total roller-coaster – it has ups, and downs,  makes you physically sick, and  leaves you full of regret afterwards. That’s why I only like the bumper cars at theme parks. Wait that sounds like a weird metaphor…

Anyway, as I was in love, like true Disney style love – and clearly this young lady was the one with which I would spend the rest of my days, and nights with – it would be necessary that I provide for my to-be wife, and our inevitable swarm of children. It sounds farcical, and ridiculous now – but at the time I was very serious about all of this. So I found an accountancy training programme with Proctor & Gamble, in which they would pay for me to do a finance degree (OH MY GOD CAN YOU IMAGINE MAN?!), whilst also earning a good salary. Sure, I would hate my working life from start to finish, and would probably eagerly await death to put an end to the constant Matrix style stream of numbers, as every day I would return from my toil to my resentful wife, and the children who hate me because I am never there – because I am at a job I don’t even like, to get things I don’t even want…but still, at least I would have money. Which is all that is really important, right? …wait, RIGHT?!

So I told my plan to one of my best friends…who in turn told me I was a fool, and reminded me in no uncertain terms that this was a silly choice to make. I tried in vain to create circumstances in which my life in accountancy would be one of excitement, and thrill…

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But he came back in amazing style, bombarding me with text, after text, after text, of cruel accountancy jokes – of which most centered on the premise of how boring that career path would potentially be for me, a person with no interest in mathematics whatsoever. I wasn’t convinced, or at least I told myself I wasn’t. That is until my girlfriend broke up with me out of the blue, (leaving me utterly destroyed may I add) and I came to a new clearing in which another pathway emerged…after the soul-blackening anguish that was getting over her, of course. But after that I saw the pathways more clearly – filled with real dreams, and hopes – not made up ones that were only fueled by money, and things.

So sure I headed on with my heart as my guide, rather than my head – but I am glad I did. Even if my Mother does often hark back to those times whenever I am hard up; whether it be facing rejections, unemployment, or general urghhhhhnessss frustrations – all things that will come to writers/English graduates. She likes to reminisce, and remind me that I could be driving a “flash sports car”, and living in a “classy apartment” now, like the guys in American Psycho. Well, nerr. It’s not me.

Instead here I am, suddenly at a spaghetti junction of pathways, which stretch out, and wind in all different directions. And despite all the madness…I am happy, and I am hopeful. 2015. I am pretty much blind to what you may have to offer along the road, but I am walking with you all the same.