Posted on by Storytime with John

India Visa NIGHTMARE.

This is an open letter to the Indian Embassy…

Firstly, so there is no confusion – I just want to say an honest and sincere: FUCK YOU. Ahem, okay great – now that is done with I can continue with a little bit more tact (not my strongpoint I know, but I will try my best). You see I can only feel a little annoyed due to the monolithic barriers you have put up to stop me from entering your country. Why must you be such a monumental pain in the arse? I called your office in South Korea (my current location), and you seemed irritated even to deal with me at all, before I had even spoken…

“Hello, what?”

“Oh, erm. Hello! I have a few questions about getting the visa for India, you see I won’t be able to attend an interview, becau-

“You must come for an interview.”

“Ahh, it’s just I work all day you see. I was ho-“

“You must come for an interview.”

“Well maybe I can ask for some time off…do you know how long the interview actually takes, please?”

“Maybe two hours, maybe a whole day. So just take the whole day off just in case.”

“Oh wow. You’re not open weekends are you?”

“Of course not.”

“What about bank holidays perhaps?”

“You think if we don’t work weekends we will work bank holidays?”

“Okay, never mind -well thank you so much for all of your wonderful help, bye-bye!”

Crazy Leo GIF 

As you may have worked out already this conversation wasn’t particularly fruitful, in fact I wanted to reach through the phone and thoroughly wring your filthy neck…isn’t it weird that we have all of these new apps that seem to do everything and anything – except killing rude people on the other end of the phone! It’s like, errr hello, hurry up with that one please. So anyway, instead of phoning a hit man I called you back a few moments later – half-hoping a different person would answer me this time…of course sod’s law, the exact same person did. Awkward. You then not so kindly suggested that perhaps I just shouldn’t come to India. Like, seriously? After a few more unenthusiastic minutes on the phone you suggested that I organize my visa through my home country, England.

Great idea I thought! I had guessed I couldn’t do it that way, but when I was told you could it would certainly work out a lot simpler! Woooo!

So I sent off my (non-refundable) monies and filled out the intentionally difficult and error prone website forms, before mailing it off to London! At last, I can have some peace of mind! Phew! Maybe I can actually sleep at night, now!

But nope. I get an email saying something along the lines of “thanks a lot for your money! We are not going to give you a visa, but we’ll keep it anyways, cheers, we are off to the pub” …before you said that(ish) you also explained how I would have to be in England for me to get a visa from England, which makes sense, BUT WHY WAS I TOLD OTHERWISE?

But hey, don’t worry, I’m not mad, despite what my skyrocketing blood pressure may tell you. Instead I am going to handle this whole situation like the gentleman I strive to be…and burn down your office to the ground. I have been looking at some pretty informative You Tube videos on explosives and think I have the hang of it. I figure I will be like a present day Guy Fawkes; no one will ever have to deal with your wretched service ever again, I will make sure of it. People will praise me…they’ll make Facebook fan pages and print my face on t-shirts…my name will crop up in folk songs and I will get a day named after me. Perfection.

With that said, I’m now going to go to Nepal instead, due to the simplicity of the “on arrival” visa system they have in place…however you guys still have my passport, and are dragging your heels over whether or not you will return it to me…YOU MASSIVE FUCKING CUN…excuse me. I apologise. That was wrong of me…it may seem like you are trying to destroy my holiday plans, and it may seem that you are the spawn of Satan, but you’re not, you’re not…you’re just a hive of horrible humans. So basically you have no excuse. GOD I WISH THAT MURDER APP WAS A THING.

Dexter GIF

On a totally unrelated side note, I am sending you guys a cake next week! It’ll be a really big cake! Just to say thank you for everything you have done for me! I appreciate it! You are such nice, polite people. Please open it and tuck in with your whole office!

p.s. no, it is not a bomb. Please open it. It’s a cake. A delicious but heavy cake.

p.p.s. if the police and/or authorities see this, know I am just joking, obviously!

I really am sending a cake and that is all, just a cake. A BIG FUCKING KABOOM BOMB INDIA EMBASSY GO BYE-BYE CAKE. Ahem…I mean…Victoria sponge…

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64 Replies to “India Visa NIGHTMARE.”

  1. Oh, my what a hassle! Am really sorry you’re jumping through so many hoops pointlessly. Who would ever have thought, huh? Fingers crossed for you.

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    1. Thank you so much, you were actually the reason I wrote this – and you know what? I feel a little better writing it all down! Here’s to hoping I get my passport back and can actually go on this Nepal trip!

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      1. Well, am glad I prompted this update then! Will be waiting here with bated breath to hear further developments!

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      4. Lots of Indian friends warned me against it, but I was like “NO I HAVE TO GO, I HAVE TO AND THAT IS THE ONLY TIME I CAN GO!” But yeah…you are probably right haha! And yes, I am mad probably!

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      5. Hahaha!! Sep-Dec you can come!! U can tolerate the weather than!! June here you will get sick!!! Specially you all who are not used to such scortching heat and yes its really terrible 😐😐😐😐 !!!

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  4. Agggggrrrrrrrrr :-/ :-/ !!!! Be nice !!!! we are nice people!!! 🙂 It’s just that we are doing what other countries have been doing to us!!! Yes it’s me!!! rejected 4 times for a US visa!!!! 1 time for UK visa 🙂 !!!!!and you know the process time?? 2 days in a different city means 4 days off at work!!! Indian embassy is much better!!! Try a lil harder and BE NICE to them!! 😉 🙂 !! Nyways it was hilarious post 🙂 But dude chill 🙂 It happens everywhere!!!

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  6. This cracked me up the whole time I was reading. I’m sincerely sorry to hear your trouble but I must thank you that you have successfully turned your misfortune into an entertainment, your rage into something we can actually laugh about. I actually enjoyed it. Hahaha. You’re a really funny guy!

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    1. haha, I’m glad – and thank you! I was feeling pretty stressed and down about the whole thing, so as always I like to write it down and hopefully people can get a kick out of it! Happy you enjoyed it, you’re the best!

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  8. Hey thanks for checking out my blog. Your blog is cool, looks like you are a fun teacher and have fun teaching.

    I didn’t know that any organisation can refuse to return your passport, surely that is illegal? Maybe you should make the British embassy aware that the Indian embassy are keeping British passports. I hope you get it back in time for Nepal. Have a good trip 🙂

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    1. No problem! Liked what I saw so I’ll be coming back 🙂

      Grrrr I’m trying to get in touch with all the embassies but the time difference makes it difficult…oh, and they don’t seem to answer the phone when I do! Jheez! But thanks a lot,I appreciate it!

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  9. Ahem! Even though I’m from India, I laughed reading this. I’m ever so sorry you had to go through so much just for a visa. I do hope you eventually get one and come down. NOT during the rains. At least not to a city.

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    1. I hope people don’t think I’m mad at the whole of India, just the embassy people haha…but actually I’ve been told it would have been a stupid time to go, so maybe I’m lucky?

      Glad I made you smile, that’s wonderful!

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      1. No, I doubt people will think that. In fact, they’ll completely understand your plight. I live here and have harrowing times so…
        Honestly, it depends a lot on where in India you would like to go during the rains. Hence the ‘skip the cities’ suggestion. But if it’s your first visit, then yes, skip the rains altogether.

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  10. Do you think the universe is getting back at you for something? Think hard my friend 🙂 wanted to drop by and say hello. Please do check out my teeny tiny space when you have some free time on you. Thanks 🙂

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  11. “Instead I am going to handle this whole situation like the gentleman I strive to be…and burn down your office to the ground”….Hahahahaha. LOVE it. I say get your passport back first, then send the explosively delicious cake.

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  12. 🙂 This reminds me of me getting my indian-student visa. They messed up the dates on my visa, according to them I sent it in too early. But why the heck you have to write down the dates of your stay, send the flight ticket and all this shi…if they don’t read it? And why telling me I sent it in too early when they state on their homepage, that it willt take up to 3 month to get a student visa? So once the visa was in my passport with the wrong dates (too early and hence not long enough for my stay) they told me that a cancellation was not possible… After some shouting at the phone and several visits to office it worked out in the end. But they showed me that they have more power: They made me go back to the embassy only the night before my flight was going to Dheli the next morning. And once in India it keept beeing complicated: I wanted to get a train ticket in Dheli to go to the the univerisity. So I went to the tourist ticket office in the railway station. After waiting in line for 3 hours (ok maybe it was ony one but it was june and freaking hot and felt definitely like 3) it was finally my turn only to hear from the man behind the counter shaking his head: “Miss, you don’t get a train ticket here. According to your visa you are a student not a tourist…” “But I am a foreigner!” “No, your a student. Go down and get in line there..” “but…” “no.” Thats how they are in official places. But still hope you get to go there once – since it is a lovely place otherwise! 🙂

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    1. Thanks for sharing this story Martina! It certainly is a nightmare going through these things, they seem to make it intentionally difficult! Grrrr! I’m glad you got there eventually, for me I am not going to India now and will be going to Nepal instead. Sad…but never mind!

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  13. Dear John
    I am extremely sorry for Indian Embassy behaviour. I am an Indian and we Indians put up with such rudeness from government agencies. Anyway enjoy the trip to Nepal but remember Nepal is very similar to India in government system. And as far as India is concerned, visit in December, especially if you want to go to Agra Taj Mahal, Rajasthan Jaipur etc. behaviour of government agencies will remain rude so be prepared but you will find private citizens happy to assist you.
    If I can be of any help, please let me know.

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  15. Holy shit, you scared me with that anger. But I got the solution to your problem, remember how the captured Bin Laden in Pakistan uninvited with no visas? The Navy SEALS? That´s your ticket, get in the military, then into(if you´re admitted) some special black op´s type of outfit and you´ll be in India without nobody knowing about it. Then you can hide weapons, gear, e.t.c and blend into the population. I was in the army, didn´t need visa´s to go to some other screwed up countries. Not recommendable though, my path, but if you really want it….Just be a Navy SEAL. See? Problem solved.

    By the way is Nepal, like part of India or China? or was the Chineese who wanted Nepal?I could google it up, but I´m too lazy, my 10 year old computer takes for ages to load pages, so I just ask.

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  16. Have to laugh; my other half has to travel to India for work quite regularly and each time his company asks him to apply for a five year Indian visa, and each time they take the money and say “no” so he has to apply for a (only slightly cheaper) one year visa, which takes for ever while they dick around and finally issue. I’ve played messenger with some of the paperwork a couple of times and it’s extraordinary. The consular office is only open for visa applications between, like, 11.30 and noon on alternate days, unless it’s not …. The hubby hates going there anyway, and keeps wishing they’d just totally refuse him 🙂

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    1. Oh my goodness, what a nightmare! I’m relieved to hear it is not just me in a way – I have had no end of trouble with them! They’re currently holding my passport and keep demanding obscure documents/payments/forms in order to get it back…after doing…well…nothing with it! Terrific! Does your husband like it there at all? Should I simply not bother Su? haha!

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      1. Wow, your situation sounds even worse. My husband hates it. He goes for work and has to deal with incompetence and corruption. It’s never been on our leisure travel list, and frankly given the entrenched attitudes to women and appalling violence against women, will never make it onto my list. Good luck. Hope you get some resolution soon.

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  17. Cool. I like your blog. And this is hilarious.
    Just a warning: I’ve had several conversations like this when I was on a trip in India. So you better prepare yourself! 🙂

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  18. I’m Indian and I can totally relate to this. Overall yes, we are very hospitable people and might go out of our way to do something for others. But at offices and similar setups people tend to be rude and curt.

    Ps: Thanks for liking my post! You have an awesome blog and a (hilarious) way with words! 🙂

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  21. Well. Try living with this bureaucracy your whole life (or should I write ‘hole life’) and you’d know how we survive. Argh. Hopefully you will come see us still.

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  22. I’m in the process of a Visa application for the Wife and I. I have decided that it is the equivalent of IT water boarding and there are probably a hundred things which would be simpler in life, I have suggested eight.
    Solving the Palestinian problem.
    Building a tower block on planet Mars
    Recreating the Third Reich.
    Curing cancer.
    Getting men pregnant.
    Organising peace in Syria.
    Getting all of the Beatles back for a recording.
    Finding Elvis in a burger bar.

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    1. hahahaha I can’t say I disagree! So many barricades and obstacles thrown in the way…I am sure we are part of some elaborate Big Brother style entertainment show…they are probably watching and laughing, as we ponder and pull our hair out reading through the forms and small print…urghhhh…I have an issue EVERY time I apply for a visa…so yeah, A LOT! Wishing you luck.

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  23. Getting an Indian visa is always a fucked up process. They never pick up the fucking phone, never ever, for each single time I need an Indian visa.

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  24. Visas require interviews, offices are closed on weekends & bank holidays. This is all searchable on the WWW. You tell an immigration office you can’t attend the interview in any country you won’t get a visa. Visas are nightmares but this situation is worldwide & seriously you didn’t expect this and telling an immigration official you can’t do what they ask as your opening line..? I can’t help but empathise with the immigration guy, which is far from mr original search of ‘visas are a f***ing nightmare’.

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