This is an open letter to the Indian Embassy…
Firstly, so there is no confusion – I just want to say an honest and sincere: FUCK YOU. Ahem, okay great – now that is done with I can continue with a little bit more tact (not my strongpoint I know, but I will try my best). You see I can only feel a little annoyed due to the monolithic barriers you have put up to stop me from entering your country. Why must you be such a monumental pain in the arse? I called your office in South Korea (my current location), and you seemed irritated even to deal with me at all, before I had even spoken…
“Oh, erm. Hello! I have a few questions about getting the visa for India, you see I won’t be able to attend an interview, becau-
“You must come for an interview.”
“Ahh, it’s just I work all day you see. I was ho-“
“You must come for an interview.”
“Well maybe I can ask for some time off…do you know how long the interview actually takes, please?”
“Maybe two hours, maybe a whole day. So just take the whole day off just in case.”
“Oh wow. You’re not open weekends are you?”
“Of course not.”
“What about bank holidays perhaps?”
“You think if we don’t work weekends we will work bank holidays?”
“Okay, never mind -well thank you so much for all of your wonderful help, bye-bye!”
As you may have worked out already this conversation wasn’t particularly fruitful, in fact I wanted to reach through the phone and thoroughly wring your filthy neck…isn’t it weird that we have all of these new apps that seem to do everything and anything – except killing rude people on the other end of the phone! It’s like, errr hello, hurry up with that one please. So anyway, instead of phoning a hit man I called you back a few moments later – half-hoping a different person would answer me this time…of course sod’s law, the exact same person did. Awkward. You then not so kindly suggested that perhaps I just shouldn’t come to India. Like, seriously? After a few more unenthusiastic minutes on the phone you suggested that I organize my visa through my home country, England.
Great idea I thought! I had guessed I couldn’t do it that way, but when I was told you could it would certainly work out a lot simpler! Woooo!
So I sent off my (non-refundable) monies and filled out the intentionally difficult and error prone website forms, before mailing it off to London! At last, I can have some peace of mind! Phew! Maybe I can actually sleep at night, now!
But nope. I get an email saying something along the lines of “thanks a lot for your money! We are not going to give you a visa, but we’ll keep it anyways, cheers, we are off to the pub” …before you said that(ish) you also explained how I would have to be in England for me to get a visa from England, which makes sense, BUT WHY WAS I TOLD OTHERWISE?
But hey, don’t worry, I’m not mad, despite what my skyrocketing blood pressure may tell you. Instead I am going to handle this whole situation like the gentleman I strive to be…and burn down your office to the ground. I have been looking at some pretty informative You Tube videos on explosives and think I have the hang of it. I figure I will be like a present day Guy Fawkes; no one will ever have to deal with your wretched service ever again, I will make sure of it. People will praise me…they’ll make Facebook fan pages and print my face on t-shirts…my name will crop up in folk songs and I will get a day named after me. Perfection.
With that said, I’m now going to go to Nepal instead, due to the simplicity of the “on arrival” visa system they have in place…however you guys still have my passport, and are dragging your heels over whether or not you will return it to me…YOU MASSIVE FUCKING CUN…excuse me. I apologise. That was wrong of me…it may seem like you are trying to destroy my holiday plans, and it may seem that you are the spawn of Satan, but you’re not, you’re not…you’re just a hive of horrible humans. So basically you have no excuse. GOD I WISH THAT MURDER APP WAS A THING.
On a totally unrelated side note, I am sending you guys a cake next week! It’ll be a really big cake! Just to say thank you for everything you have done for me! I appreciate it! You are such nice, polite people. Please open it and tuck in with your whole office!
p.s. no, it is not a bomb. Please open it. It’s a cake. A delicious but heavy cake.
p.p.s. if the police and/or authorities see this, know I am just joking, obviously!
I really am sending a cake and that is all, just a cake. A BIG FUCKING KABOOM BOMB INDIA EMBASSY GO BYE-BYE CAKE. Ahem…I mean…Victoria sponge…
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