Italy ~ Rome – 2014
Maps are annoying. I mean, that’s why some genius invented the isn’t it? But when you are without a car in a foreign country, people would be right to think you are odd (at best), or a complete and utter maniac, if you were to wander the streets clutching a big chunky device that is shouting out – “TURN RIGHT AFTER 100 YARDS!” You couldn’t really argue with them for coming to this logical conclusion…I mean you would look mad. That’s unquestionable, even if you did have the Sean Connery setting on…actually, perhaps that would be even worse.
With all that said, I did run into some problems with regular map-reading in Italy. Stupid problems that other people probably wouldn’t have encountered…but problems all the same. You see the friendly chap (Paolo) at the hotel had given me a map and had outlined all of the sites I should look for – I think I still have it somewhere…yeah, here we are –
Yeah, so he outlined where we can see the Roman Colosseum, Vatican City, and all of the other tourist must sees, which was awfully nice of him. He did it all with such zeal and enthusiasm, as if he had built them with his own hands just yesterday – he also gave us a recommendation for a historic ice cream place he appeared very excited about: Palazzo del Freddo Giovanni Fassi, or Fassi Ice cream to ignorant foreign souls like myself. Paolo also recommended that “people like you”, I assume he meant people who are so white they are practically see-through, really ought to stay indoors during the hottest period of the Italian summer day; which is 1-4pm ish. He certainly doesn’t need to tell me twice! I’ve had my fingers burned enough times!
I’ve also had my ears, nose, cheeks, back, and various other parts burned as well…but that’s not the well known saying, so I…yeah…anyway, sorry, you get the point.
So yeah, with the inferno hours well remembered, the next day we set out relatively early, to give us some time before the unforgiving sun turned my neck into pork crackling. I grabbed my trusty annotated map and headed out the door! I had a good idea of the general way we would be heading, but by coincidence we bumped into Paolo as we were on route, and I was able to double check if I was going in the the right direction – “yes, yes! You are exactly, exactly!” Brilliant! It was all working out! I mean so far we were only at the end of the street the hotel was on…but still, we were exactly, exactly! Woooo!
However before we knew it we found ourselves in a very different setting. We had already passed by some boarded up buildings, as well as what appeared to be a deserted railway system… “this can’t be it, there’s no way, this can-” I interrupted my little sister, shrieking defiantly that it is DEFINITELY the right way, as it said so on the map. As I attempted to avoid her gaze I took a brief look around the immediate vicinity…on second thought it certainly didn’t look like the kind of place where you would find a traditional ice cream shop. Why you ask? Well, for one the entire inhabitants were wearing patchwork coats despite the heat, there was also this little man-made cardboard village in a neat row behind some rubbish bins – complete with cardboard doors and tears for window holes…oh and someone was warming their hands over an oil barrel whilst whistling a tune…and…well, long story short, we had clearly stumbled into the bad side of town.
Maybe it’s up there? Past that, errrr, cardboard bit?” I muttered halfheartedly…
There is no ice cream here John. Let’s go.”
Argh, no – it has to be here! Paolo said…Paolo said!”
Eventually I had to accept defeat. And one thing was for certain, I was very upset, I mean we had came here with one purpose, and that was to sample some of the world’s best ice cream – but instead I was walking through a piss stench-filled subway for the second time today…life can be so harsh sometimes guys, it is often too much to manage.
I took another look at the map…and instantly recognised that I had lead us to the location of where he had wrote Fassi Ice Cream, rather than where he had pointed with the red arrow…
“Well, I said that John – you didn’t listen!”
YOU MUST HAVE WHISPERED IT, BECAUSE I DIDN’T HEAR IT!” I barked back, delirious with hunger after skipping breakfast…I had expected to be well on my way to diabetes by now, and my instant reaction was an insane uncontrollable anger – I suppose I am a little like The Hulk but instead my problem is people won’t like me when I am hungry. I’ll be the first to admit I am a horrible, horrible person when I haven’t ate. Just the worst.
Sorry…I…let’s just head back this way, okay?”
We looped around the corner beside the railway tracks, and as we passed the bushes we were met with two grubby looking gentlemen who were taking up most of the pathway – we automatically went in single file to allow for us to both pass, it was a pretty tight squeeze as they were refusing to budge! As we tried to nudge our way past something caught my eye – I glanced down at one of the two – then looked back in front, glanced down again – what was that? I looked back in front, glanced down again – then looked back in front…errrrrrr…one of them had just made direct bleary eye contact with me, whilst in the process of shooting heroin in one of his thin arms…errrrrrr…I suddenly remembered my manners and gave him a friendly nod, which I coupled with a hiya, probably not exactly the right setting for such a phrase…but it was all that came out of my dry, raspy throat.
We continued on in single file, around the short bend of the path – I tried to glance behind my shoulder, to see if they were following – actually I was expecting to have someone leap on me whilst wildly jabbing a used needle in my neck repeatedly – perhaps I have an over-active imagination, but it was actually pretty terrifying.
Anyway, a little dark, I know, apologies! But it gets WORSE! Once we actually got to the ice cream shop after a huge nightmarish detour, I accidentally picked out the wrong flavour…with devastating results…you see, the flavours were unnamed – they only had little pictures on…so I thought I was getting chocolate, caramel, and toffee – but instead I actually got chocolate, tiramisu, and rum n’ raisin:
IT WAS HORRIBLE. The rum flavour was so heavy that it overpowered the other ones completely…my God it was foul…I had basically skipped breakfast in lieu of some strong rum – if I wasn’t on holiday you would rightly call me an alcoholic. But as we all should know, there are a whole different set of rules regarding alcohol when it comes to vacations! Thankfully!
I spent the rest of the day trying not to be too disappointed, and of course when I ran into Paolo later I told him nothing other than:
“Yeah! Found the place no problem! Thanks for the map! Ice cream…wow…best I have ever had!”
I wonder whether every single person does the same thing, you know – just out of politeness…next time I’ll tell him the truth…mehh, who am I kidding?
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John Lee Taggart 
Hahahaha besides the awesome funny story, you picked just the right characters for each reaction. Too funny. 👍
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I am glad you appreciated that, I had a lot of fun looking for the most suitable ones! I was laughing at the dog one for faaaar too long…ahh, still cracking me up!
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Wow, a horror story of nightmarish proportions… a day set out in lieu of some very find ice cream…RUINED!! I don’t think I can bear it. My deepest sympathies. The ‘like’ was only a formality! Rum raisin you say?…instead of caramel and toffee?…oh I can’t even think about it!!
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Rum raisin Marissa, I mean how disgusting does that even sound? Never mind taste! Urgh! Urgh! URGHHHH! Appreciate the sympathy, thankfully now, back home in England I can use my voice to ask “is this a delicious caramel toffee ice cream? Or something which will make me retch?”
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Oh good! I feel a little better now!
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hahaha you crack me up, as per.
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No free samples at Fassi? 😉
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Next time, NEXT TIME! I was a little shaken I suppose and not thinking straight! If I was in my right frame of mind I may have stood there trying every single one 😉 haha!
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A misguided ice cream flavor choice is one of the worst things that can happen on vacation, heroin-shooting bums aside. I’m so, so sorry for the turn of events, but am happy you shared your misadventure! Thanks for the laugh! 🙂
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I am relieved you share my sentiments Jacqueline! Hopefully I’ll learn from my mistakes regarding the ice cream…the other thing…err…little more out of my control, haha! Oh well, pleasure to share the story, pleased you enjoyed it! 🙂
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Haha, it looks like you ended up in Roma town! I had a similar experience in Rome, you can’t trust those hotel connoisseurs of maps…it’s not that easy! But, that’s the zeal of Rome, you have to get lost to really experience it.
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haha, right?! It was my first time there – so I was a total novice! Just wandering around staring at street signs and hoping for the best! You’re totally right though, that’s all part of the fun 😀
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I’m sharing this story with my friends, really had me laughing there John 🙂
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Oh thanks Alicia, that’s made my day!
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I get angry when I’m hungry too (I call it Hangry). My mom was very shocked at my beastly attitude when we were travelling together. And you had to deal with disappointing ice cream to top it off! How did you not turn into the Hulk? Rum’n’Raisin? Like…What? Who decided THAT was a good idea?
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I’m one of those people walking around with their phones in hand cursing their GPS! Loved Rome, we found some great places while we were lost , (no one shooting up 🙂 Nutella on pizza dough! Fantastic!
Sorry about the Rum for breakfast 🙂
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Sorry to hear about your frightening detour and unfortunate ice cream choice. But glad to hear that you escaped being jabbed by a used heroin needle! I tend to have an overactive imagination too, so I’d be doing the exact same thing ahahaha. I’d have looked over my shoulder about twenty times and maybe even ran at a sprint out of there. Perhaps this will help you next time to be more careful with reading your maps? Although I’m pretty bad at reading them too HAHAHA. Everytime I’m driving somewhere, it’s Google Maps to the rescue!
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Thank you for sharing your adventure here! I really needed a laugh today and your piece, along with all of the little graphic clips, really had me laughing. Why do these sorts of things always seem to happen when you are supposed to be out enjoying vacation!? I’m sure you’ll have this adventure story to laugh about for years! 🙂
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Ha! Ha!!
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Wow, going on vacation with you is always an adventure. I don’t know anybody with so many special stories to tell…… and how you tell it……… you definitely should write a book with all your travel stories!
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I’ve traveled a lot and rarely get lost…until I went to Italy. Luckily, it’s a beautiful place to be lost in. Enjoy your travels!
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haha, right you are! Thank you so much!
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Reblogged this on Toddler In Tow From Canada and commented:
A good article illustrating the benefits of being able to read a map….wink, wink, wink “Mama”. And for my readers that tell me I should try to be more funny….this re-blog is for you. Sorry. “Funny” isn’t my style, so I’m sub-contracting the humour to “Storytime with John”. Enjoy.
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Although not in Rome, we’ve learnt to only use map as references in Italy. After a while, our senses will tell us where to go.
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I love reading your blog, I laugh every time!
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I’m very happy to hear that, thank you Autumn!
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John,
Laughing hard at your European adventures.
The map misreading is something I would excel at.
That look you get for having pale, anti-sun skin? Enjoyed that all my life especially when I lived in Sydney.
The Evil Baddie characteristics that surface when you’re hungry? Guilty.
To make a panic choice of the yukky flavour ice cream? Unforgiveable.
Now, please tell me that your travels included France?
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Reblogged this on Travels with Mary and commented:
Fabulous read! I love your style! Thanks for the great post. I cannot wait to read more. 🙂
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Italy a funny place, one minute your beautiful summer garden and next your passing through dilapidated buildings, actually I think most places in the world have this ‘ghetto’s or misery villages as I heard them call
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it’s funny how most travel stories talk about how amazing everything is and yours is legit. I appreciate that and you recognize how the love of travel includes the good, the bad and the ugly. that’s why I love it.
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Ahh thanks Adriana! I try and give it from the perspective of a friend, never really sugar coating things, but trying to give both perspectives! Over the moon you appreciate that, much love!!!
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I saw you check out my blog, so I decided to check out yours. I like how witty and entertaining you wrote this. Awesome entry and I’d love to drop by again and read more.
Too bad for the rum flavour though. Thanks for taking time to read this, I haven’t been really around much but, I’d like to post actively again so cheers to your inspiring blog! 🙂
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Hahaha wow… I like this story. You just turn your horrible experience into a funny story. Love that epic dog pics, looks like it represents your feeling in that time. Can’t imagine enough for that ice cream taste, though. Anyway, thanks for visiting my blog. I think that’s the reason why I caught myself here. I mean, cheers and good luck 🙂
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