The Shit Sandwich

Sometimes life doesn’t go smoothly. No sorry…let me rephrase that –  life never goes smoothly. And you know what? That’s good! This is what makes life interesting in my opinion! The thrills, the spills! The highs, the lows! The laughter, the tears! All of this serves to add vibrant colour to life’s pages, and forges memories that make your short window of existence somewhat less dull. You see smooth would be boring. I mean look at peanut butter if you want further conclusive proof of that. It’s all about those nuts. 


But sometimes that bumpy old road can take a horrifying turn; an unexpected pot-hole that has you crashing into the bowels of the earth…into the fiery brimstone of hell, where all evil resides, and all horrors of the underworld come out at once to strip you bare and thrash you – cutting into you with ragged daggers, and pouring vinegar into your open wounds whilst playing anything off the top ten, over, and over, and over. I’m speaking metaphorically of course, I just got a little bit too into it – my apologies – but hopefully you get the picture ~

“Shit happens” – as the rather detached and emotionless expression goes. That probably sums it up a little bit more coherently. And my goodness me, the aforementioned shit certainly does make an appearance every so often. Like last Thursday for example…I was notified that a debt collection company was calling my school, asking if I was still in the country as they were hunting me down – something about an unpaid phone bill. So the day after (just before leaving for Japan) I went into the store with my Korean friend to ask what was going on. After all I don’t even use the phone’s calling plan anymore, my now ex-girlfriend cancelled it MONTHS ago.

I hope GIF

Well yeah, about that…

It had been rolling on, and on, and on…and had been stopped only for a short window – before continuing with it’s destructive course like a giant tumbling Indiana Jones boulder…my jaw was hanging open, my eyes dumb with confusion. I could barely believe the situation. Rather desperately we had to make a call to the external debt collection people as it was no longer on the phone company’s books – in fact some Korean guy is now using my old phone number, which is nice…I like recycling…yeah, but anyway when my friend rang up they let him know in no uncertain words that it was the last day for me to pay – or they would be sending the police around to my door, in order to eject me from the country, never able to return again. EXILE…pretty cool right? In like Game of Thrones or whatever…but in real life, kind of a bummer. A life ruiner, if you will. 

He pleaded with them. There was no way I could pay whatever costs the whole palava had accrued…I mean, we were on our way to Japan! Literally on the airport shuttle bus! We would be back on Monday if they could find it in their hearts to wait…well, thankfully upon hearing this they gave us till Tuesday morning – and we were able to breathe a sigh of relief. Only momentarily though. As when I read the total cost ($830) I was instantly back to puffing, and panting like a dying asthmatic Darth Vader.

Breathing Hurts GIF

My Korean friend called it “a shit sandwich” – an expression he had probably picked up watching US movies (this is how he taught himself English), but in all honestly I don’t agree. After all a shit sandwich implies there would be bread, perhaps some salad, or extra sauce involved, maybe even a side dish – not just the shit filling. Bits I would sort of enjoy. So no, this wasn’t a shit sandwich – this was just a complete and unadulterated humongous turd. With absolutely no garnish. Thanks life. 

But the wheels keep turning, and the clock keeps ticking – this hiccup just means I have to do some extra work in order to afford my July/August trip to Thailand (TBC)…and there are so many who have it so much worse, so I am not wasting time moaning or complaining…after this post of course! This is my therapy. 

So wish me luck my friends, and I hope you are having a somewhat smooth ride today – but at the same time there better be some nuts in there too…it would be bland without them.

Please buy my collection of stories! Get it in paperback here – or on Kindle here! ALL proceeds go towards Macmillan Cancer Support!

19 Replies to “The Shit Sandwich”

  1. Always look forward to a new post from you. I think I may have ruptured my lung trying to hold in some laughter while sat at my desk here, I probably should have just laughed, some of my facial expressions were obviously a clear give away that I’m not actually doing any work, well, thats what Im thinking judging by the looks some of my work colleagues are giving me. Maybe I just look like shit today? Who knows…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. haha, thank you my friend appreciate that! Enjoyed hearing of your work situation, but think what are they doing behind their screens…it’s one big swizz they’re clearly taking online quizzes/reading buzzfeed lists! No one works these days 😉

      Liked by 1 person

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