How to NOT do Halloween Make-Up!

So I tried to follow one of those ‘How To Do Halloween Make-Up!’ things…and well, it didn’t work out great…it wasn’t as easy as they tried to make it seem – BELIEVE ME! Check this out for proof, I’m sorry in advance…

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CHEEZ ND UNN EE N (Germany)

Germany ~ Baden-Württemberg (The Black Forest) – 2000

We encountered some pretty strange kids when we were on our summer holidays, in fact it often seemed that every other family we ran into across Europe were…odd. Or maybe we were the weirdos? Nah, surely not…that’s not…possible…

The Black Forest in Germany is an amazing place, it looks straight out of a fairy tale, full of ancient natural history and a mysterious beauty. The campsites on the outskirts however, are anything but. I suppose there is still a certain kind of mystery to it…but rather than “wow, I had no idea there were trees of that colour!” it’s all “wow, I didn’t expect there to be so much pubic hair in the communal showers!” So yeah, as always – pros and cons guys, pros and cons!

Continue reading “CHEEZ ND UNN EE N (Germany)”

Tricky Decisions

There are often tough decisions we have to make in life – some of them are major heart-wrenching numbers, you know; should I move abroad to look for work? Should I go back to school? Do I really need extra cheese on this XL pizza? 

But occasionally these choices demand an instant response, and can’t be deliberated – the choice is a split-second one…and in this moment your brain spins into total chaos attempting to pick out the least offensive best fit ~

Fresh GIF

That happened to me a few hours ago…in a frenetic snapshot that lasted only a few seconds. You see I was innocently on my jolly old way to the supermarket at about 3:00pm – so I could beat the lines, and get it all over with before I had sniffling school children, and their beleaguered parents wrestling with me for the last on sale pork chop. No siree – not today! 

I was moments away, when a silver blacked out car pulled in. I thought maybe it was the Korean version of The Men in Black, who would drag me in – question me, and then realise I am a complete dunce – and return me to my average activities. But it wasn’t. It was actually a family car, as out hopped a little girl (maybe eight/nine?) who went fleeing off into a nearby building with an excitable spring in her step…

That’s when I noticed she had dropped one of her gloves in her hurry…and was faced with a tricky split-second decision…

Which was of course exacerbated by the fact that I am limited in my grasp of the Korean language…I mean, I certainly don’t know how to say:

“hey excuse me, you dropped your glove! I’m not a creepy weirdo – this isn’t stranger danger, this is stranger…help…err…ing!”

So, my only real option was to pick the glove up, and go running after the girl in silence…like some insane modern-day child catcher…but yeah I immediately figured that’s not a good look – imagine if you dropped your child off, and you immediately witness a strange looking man sprinting as fast as his chubby thighs will carry him, in the direction of your now heavily freaked out daughter…you would probably be a little alarmed? Possibly a smidge concerned at the very least?

Nervous GIF

My brain picked up on that thankfully, so high five brain! Anyway I had deliberated too long so my target had escaped…not target John…erm…mark? No…well yeah, she was safe, and sound in the building is my point. So I picked up the glove, and went over to the car…

Again – I couldn’t just knock on the window, and say “Excuse me there! Your daughter appears to have dropped her glove! Oh, what a to-do! There you are! Have a good day now!” Or whatever people in England say to each other, I can’t recall for sure – it’s been a while. So instead my brain had the bright idea of just opening the door, and throwing it in. The windows were blacked out, so it’s not like I would have to have awkward eye contact…

…well the car was pulling away, so it was now or never…I tried to bypass the possibly terrible idea, but I couldn’t think of anything else. I’m one of those odd people who would worry about this whole situation not meeting a nice resolution, if I don’t act. I’d be kept awake at night crying over someone’s glove, and what should have happened…I like a happy ending you know? Every glove should stay with their soul mate. 

Soul mate GIF

So that’s what I went with. It was probably the better of two evils – I know that people probably don’t like some random guy opening their car door without permission, probably would be quite a scary moment..what does he want?! Is he going to steal my car?! Try to kill me?! Is he selling something?! OH MY GOD – is he an extremist Jehovah’s Witness?! Maybe this is what they do now!?

Well as I said I didn’t have to deal with eye contact. I just opened it a little, murmured something which I couldn’t even hear through my blaring earphones, threw it in, and then slammed the door – before walking off hastily. I didn’t look back, the car could have blown up for all I know.

But the important thing is that at least it wasn’t on my mind, festering away for years. And the gloves were reunited…wait…perhaps it was a taxi?! That would explain the blacked out windows…OH GOD, I AM GOING TO BE THINKING ABOUT THIS FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!!!! ARGHHHH!!!

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Tweety Bird

The other day I was at a shopping center, and needed to pee. Nothing out of the ordinary there! After all, I often need to pee…well not often, I don’t have bladder problems, or weird kidneys – don’t get the wrong idea, it’s not like a running to the bathroom every two seconds thing, just you know sometimes – I just drink liquid, and then…it’s like…I think we are over-thinking this, can we please move on?

Ahem. So yeah, errr…I headed to the bathroom…

Bieber Nervous GIF

I walked past a guy leaning on the wall, who then decided he would tail me in…quite odd behaviour – I would have probably been more concerned was I not bursting so much to urinate. In fact, I would have definitely highlighted him in my peripheral vision as a possible lunatic, and taken the necessary steps (using a cubicle) so I wouldn’t have to deal with him. But the burning pain of the wee-wee clouded my judgment. 

Instead I just picked a urinal (hate that word, I know you didn’t ask – but still, urgh), and got down to it. He was a starer…I could feel his eyes on me, you always can – I tried to man-oeuvre myself for minimum genital visibility, using a bit of coat, and left hand to provide some camouflage…but he didn’t give up – this whole process made my whole process stop, I couldn’t handle the pressure of the sudden audience I had…but I was strangely still desperate to go…if only he would stop staring this whole thing could be over with! I began to sweat, and shake – as the sharp shooting pains ran through my lower regions.

sweat nervous GIF

I changed tactic. I began to stare back at him, not like…at his…I wasn’t doing eye for an eye, I was staring at his eyeballs instead – I also coupled this with a look which I hoped said loud and clear; “I am not enjoying this little exchange, so can you kindly please stop staring at my penis, thank you ever so much, and good day!”

He turned away, the complete relief flooded out – I turned to read the advertisement on the board in front of me, something about hair-loss by the looks of it…I pondered whether I would ever get it done, will I go bald? I am not sure if-

“TWWWWEEEETTTT, CHIRRRUPPPP, TWEEET – TWEEET!”

I instantly spun around to face him again, he was smirking…what a psychopath…oh, hahahaha – let’s pick out a guy who is clearly dying to pee, and then torment him so that he can’t do it…let’s stare at him, let’s make strange weird noises, everything, anything – to drive him MENTAL.

I tried not to let him bother me, I stared into the other corner…imagined running water…visualised the wee-wee…

“TWWWWEEEETTTT, CHIRRRUPPPP, TWEEET – TWEEET!”

There he was again. And what could I do? I can’t exactly run up to a police officer, and announce “excuse me, this man…he won’t let me pee!”  I mean, I certainly haven’t ever witnessed that on an episode of CSI – maybe they should do a story-line regarding that subject, make people aware that this stuff does happen, and it needs to STOP!

“TWWWWEEEETTTT, CHIRRRUPPPP, TWEEET – TWEEET!”

He turned to face me, smirked…and then headed out of the door, obviously didn’t wash his hands, but then again who has time to wash their hands in between creep sessions? He has a schedule to keep Godddamit!

But at last I was alone, at last I could pee in peace.

Leo relief GIF

In that moment, I was on top of the world – had someone else been there, I may have attempted a high five…well actually, that would be very unhygienic, but you get my point – it was a simple pleasure, but an amazing one…it felt like a victory for some reason.

“TWWWWEEEETTTT, CHIRRRUPPPP, TWEEET – TWEEET!”

There he was again!?!?! As I was washing my hands, I looked around the corner, expecting to seem him perched there giggling to himself….I checked the cubicles…I began to wonder if I had imagined it all in some bizarre delusion…

“TWWWWEEEETTTT, CHIRRRUPPPP, TWEEET – TWEEET!”

That’s when I looked up, and saw a huge speaker with the words “BIRDS_RELAX_1”

Naturally I felt like a fool – but then I did the usual self protection of my ego, internally questioning as to why anyone would create such a device. Especially in a men’s bathroom…could there be anything more scary, and less relaxing, than a bird of prey circling a man with his err, manhood, out?

Pfft…well, at least I know for next time. Sorry for the hostile stares Mr. Creeper!

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Cannibalistic Kid…

“John…I really, really, want to eat your life.”

– Quiet six year old kindergarten child.

 

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What does she mean by that? I don’t think we’ll ever know…or at least, I hope I never find out!

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