Honeymoon suite hookers.

30th June 2014

So bit of a weird one. I’ll post this when I get an internet connection – but I am currently writing this from a hotel in Qingdao, China. Where is this place? I literally have no idea. I would Google it of course…but yeah…no internet connection. The reason I am here is that I have a FOURTEEN HOUR layover. FOURTEEN HOURS! Yeah, I didn’t book the flight – but that’s another story altogether…as you can probably work out, I am a little flustered at the moment!

Anyway, the flight from South Korea to China was actually pretty painless…well apart from the old man next to me who had the perfect three – bad breath, gas, and a fetish for belching…like honestly, there are well established rules when it comes to airplane travel, and emitting horrendously obnoxious odors from one orifice or the other, is definitely against the code…it’s terrorism of the nostrils, and should be addressed with the up-most seriousness.

Perhaps the air hostesses could add it to the safety bit at the start?

Ah, forgot to mention – some K-Pop superstar was on my plane, in the first class section – obviously. Doesn’t really mean anything to me…just another young Korean guy, with highlights and long earrings…but everyone else on the plane was going wild. In fact, even when we got to China and headed to baggage claim, you could hear the adoring Chinese fans screaming out in a wild hysteria. Waiting for just a peek of his perfectly applied eyeliner…I was ahead of him, and as I left the airport there were crazed screams upon seeing me…not sure who they thought I was, just err, a white guy? Your guess is as good as mine. Anyway, the white quickly switched to a much more red shade as I was overcome with my usual embarrassment in these situations…cue laughter and more clapping…I ran for cover.

That’s when I realized something. I was past security. I was under the impression that I would have to just wait around here till the next morning, but I had a number of taxi drivers pestering me non-stop:

“TACKSEE SIR, TACKSEE SIR, TACKSEE SIR. SIR! TACKSEE?”

I had forgotten all of the Chinese I had learned in 2012 (which was limited even then), and racked my weary brain for some words – I ended up having a game of charades in which I acted out a sleeping gesture…eventually the guy understood.

He led me out to the parking area, and we walked for what seemed like forever, we kept passing car after car – and every time I thought, “hmm maybe it is this one – NOPE. Hmm maybe it is this one – NOPE.” Until we eventually got to his vehicle. It was a (once) white rusty banger, that looked like it had been sitting in the same place since it was created in the 1980s. I was too tired to care. Instead I moved his gardening supplies and threw my bags in, before joining him in the front, he mumbled something and I remembered how to say yes in Chinese. He looked very confused, but started up the engine all the same.

He’ll get me to a hotel at least, that’s all I really need.

After a short drive through the dusty, tired roads (this is what China looks like for the most part outside of Shanghai) we came to the hotel. I was greeted by a short balding man, who seemed very happy to see me:

“MR.BEAN, MR. BECKHAM – YOU WILL GET THE HONEYMOON SUITE!”

I smiled as best as I could muster. He then ran off all of a sudden, leaving me with the bemused taxi driver and the leering eyes of the hotel receptionist. They both asked for an extortionate amount of money for their respective services, in Western terms it was just okay, but after living in China I knew the con was well and truly on. I decided not to make a fuss, and just paid anyway – I would have a bed soon. Soon I would be able to lie down and dream I was riding a giant marshmallow…soon…soon…

The man came back and waved me over to the elevator, as I followed he looked at me with a wide creepy grin…

“You want…you want errr…”

“Bed? Yeah please. I’m tired.”

“No…You want a Chinese girl, right?”

“Oh! Err, wow. Erm, no thank you…”

“You want one, I can tell…”

“I really don’t. Generous offer, but erm. No thank you.”

He looked back at me with disdain, as if I had just kicked his Grandma in the shins and slapped her with a fish. I didn’t mean to upset him, so did my best to comfort his bruised ego…

“It’s just I’m so tired, you know? But thank you.”

“I have some special ones for you…”

Awkwardness GIF

“Ahh –“

“Twenty years olllllddd-“

“No, I-“

“Fifteeeeen?”

“Oh my-I’m good, honestly…is this my room?”

So yeah, I ran in, bolted my door, locked it, and put the chain on (isn’t it worrying that a hotel even has those kind of measures available? Says it all!), anyway behind my barricade I’m now surviving on some chocolate truffles one of my students gave me before I left…it’s only 7pm local time…this is going to be a loooooooooooong night.

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More from this country below:

https://storytimewithjohn.com/2014/05/24/public-pooping-china/

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91 thoughts on “Honeymoon suite hookers.

  1. I stayed in a hotel in Bahrain once. The hotel bar was crawling with hookers. They would knock on your door at night asking if you wanted service. It was so funny you had to laugh. We were in a 3 room suite and I was staying with work colleagues, including my female boss, and all she kept saying, “I’ll give you some money if want?” Too funny.

    Liked by 1 person

    • haha! Well…I was all set to lock myself inside and just watch the tele, that way I’d avoid that character! But then and emergency broadcast interrupted EVERY channel on the TV! Something about North Korea I think…anyway I had been watching Ghost, as it was the only thing in English. But that was the end of that.

      I decided to creep out and go for a walk…dodged past him thankfully, he was sleeping in a chair. But I got back three hours later as I got completely lost! Everything looks the same!

      Decided not to add that bit as it made me well and truly look like Mr Bean…haha…

      Like

  2. I had the same experience in Thailand. But I have a feeling that they wouldn’t have met the 15-year old guidelines mentioned above. I bolted and locked the door and moved every piece of furniture against the door.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I laughed throughout this WHOLE post. In america I had a lady offer to flash me for a slushie and I was sad because, A)She didn’t have any and B)She offered to show them to me…..in her defense…it was pretty hot. Hahahaha. I hope you survive the prostitution ant hill.

    Like

    • Oh my! I’d love a slushie right now, so hot here! But not sure if I would go to those lengths for one…hmm…

      haha, but I survived China. In Nepal now trying to survive torrential monsoon rain, malaria filled mosquitoes, blood sucking leeches, and sheer drop bus journeys. Urgh. More on that later.

      As always thanks for reading Bethany, great to hear from you! 🙂

      Like

  4. OMG! Operation Yewtree has reached the Far East and now everyone thinks ALL Brits want underage girls!!
    I don’t suppose the man’s name was Jim, as he certainly tried to fix it for you?!

    Like

    • You’re certainly right there! Shower, bed, television and chocolate is more up my street! I have had most of this wrote out that very night, I just had to find a gold connection to post it!

      Glad you enjoyed it 🙂

      Like

  5. We had a stopover in Kuala Lumpur, stayed in a 4 star hotel…after 4 months travelling my husband wanted a haircut and went to the advertised “salon” in the basement…he came back quick smart because hair was not being cut down there!!! Cultural attitudes about sex are so interesting, we think we are the normal ones, but what is normal? In Japan, my son couldn’t get his head around the vending machines with girls (used) knickers in them!

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    • Oh wow! You’re totally right though, it’s just bizarre how cultural differences can lead to such a huge disparity between what we think is right and wrong! They have “salons” in Korea too…you have to be careful, haha!

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  6. Man! I’m jealous! It reminds me of some of the adventures I had when I was in the Marines on a Western Pacific float back in 1989. I was in Hong Kong and actually saw Michael Hutchence at a night club. I didn’t think it was him (after all, he was Australian; what the hell would he be doing in Hong Kong?). It ends up I should have gone up and introduced myself. I didn’t realize it was him until after he died. I read somewhere that he had lived in Hong Kong during the time that I was there. :/ I have never traveled outside of the USA since then, and I miss it!

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  7. Ya don’t even have to go to China for this type of experience. My friend was trying to find a parking spot cheaper than the $10 lot at the PNE Playland in Vancouver. A Chinese lady ran out in front of her car waving a sign that said “Park $5”. She was in front of a lovely looking house, so my friend assumed she wanted her to park in her driveway. As my friend slowed, the lady jumped into the front seat of the car and yelled, “GO, GO. I show you park!” Six blocks and a couple of alleyways later, my friend said, “I will pay you $5 to get out of my car and let me go!” Another $10 later, and she safely arrived at her destination.

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    • Oh my, how dramatic! It seems there are loons everywhere you turn – I love it though, I mean it makes for funny stories (if everyone is okay in the end!) Thanks for sharing Cate, got a kick out of that crazy tale – I hope your friend has recovered, haha!

      Like

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