Why You Should NEVER Ski.

Have you ever been skiing? Because you see, I hadn’t until this Saturday – so the whole thing was a completely foreign experience for me! For those of you who haven’t, and/or are visitors from out of space, let me give you the low down…

…basically you get to wear bizarrely fitted clothes which always make you feel like you’re either incontinent, or as if your pants are forever at your knees – this is all thanks to the strange swish, swish, swish the material provides. But forget about that, it’s not important – so yeah, then you put these big moon boots on, which you are sort of expected to walk around in, as if it isn’t a big deal…but you look like a demented zebra who is trying to walk on their slightly bent hind legs. Seriously everyone just staggers around, trying to pretend like they are walking properly…as if they always walk with their legs positioned in a strong C curve…

Weird Walking GIF

…then you attach these sticks to your foot, and you have these walking stick things. Except they don’t really help you walk so much, as just get tangled in your new-fangled extended feet contraptions, and doom you to fail from the first off. Your natural reaction is to laugh at all of the morons who are falling over…it’s your own personal screening of You’ve Been Framed…like a 3-D performance just for you! But then you fall, and it is no longer funny. You want to change the channel, but no…you are living it, this is real life. And now there is slushy grey snow down your butt-crack. And no, it is not at all pleasant.

Anywaaaaaaay, I didn’t do too badly – at first. I was on the baby slope as they called it, or was it the bunny slope? Either way it made me feel rather emasculated – why can’t it be called ‘the mini GOD track’ or ‘the tiny TITAN’…why do we have to feel like shit just because we’re not fucking winter olympians?! But I digress…I was doing pretty well, or so people lied to me anyway. I hadn’t fallen down (apart from when I tried to help another person up, and ended up being pulled down with her! Doesn’t count…doesn’t count…) I was actually getting a lot of confidence, and had started to shoot all the way, throwing in some imitation skill moves I had either played on a Playstation, or watched on a bad movie from the 90s. As I said to many…I felt like Pierce Brosnan….but probably looked more like Piers Morgan…

Piers GIF

So I was killin’ dem slopes, yo. I hadn’t caught any air, or curved the…alright I don’t know any skiing/snowboarding slang so I’ll just stop for both our sakes! I was doing well, so after a lot of pushing I decided to take my amazing skills to the big hill. WHAT A FUCKING DISASTER OF A DECISION. I mean I had an incline as soon as I saw the damn thing…it was basically as steep as a wall. Like an actual wall. There wasn’t much of a slope at all. But I still found myself sitting alongside some small children on the rickety steel lift thing…what the hell was I doing…and was I responsible for these children now, should they tumble to their death?! 

I needn’t have worried. They whizzed off with no problem. On the other hand I peered down the track uneasily, with all the confidence and cheer of a man on death row. It was basically the same thing. But only one way down…which was, like down, down. A new version of down I had no idea was even a thing. Sheer drop, break your neck, rest of your life as a vegetable level of down. That’s when gravity took hold…and against my will I was just sliding down this thing…I tried to retain composure….the speed increased, and increased, and increased…I thought about slowing down, but this hadn’t been much of a problem before…what had people told me about fries? Or pizza? Or…was it watermelon? No…maybe I’m just hungry! Trust me to be thinking of food at a time like – 

SLAMMMM! My pizza was too damn cheesy for the slope I guess, and I went tumbling, and falling with the grace of a rhino on stilts – I felt my leg click, I suppose I must have dislocated it or something….no matter, still tumbling, still falling – it should stop soon. Cartwheel here, back flip there, gravity will get sick of me soon, and move on to someone else to bully…hmmm…I think…

Ski GIF

But in that moment, looking up at the sky, I was relieved to have jarred to a halt. I was positioned awkwardly, splayed out like a swastika – basically the most offensive snow angel you’ve ever witnessed in your whole entire life.  I eventually dragged myself up, I was barely a quarter of the way down the hill…and could see me leg somewhere in the snow right up near the top…well okay, not my leg – but my stick slidy ski thing that had jolted off from my right leg – I’d have to reapply it, and continue on this cursed path…

But no, there was to be more shame, and embarrassment to come. You see the patrol ski guy…who thinks he’s so great because he has a red, and yellow jacket, with a little cross on it…and he can probably do backflips intentionally, rather than you know…by accident like me. But still, doesn’t make him any better than me! Apart from maybe, just maybe…at skiing…

He picked up my dismembered leg. And yanked off my other one. “YOU. WALK.” That was all. I was left alone of this icy tundra…just with my little grandpa poles to help me down, as everyone else whizzed past me…I felt like a pensioner version of spiderman…trying to walk down this basically vertical slope…digging my heels in, and bending my knees, so that I didn’t tumble, and turn into a giant destructive snowball – if cartoons have taught me anything, that is never fun, and ruins everyone’s day involved.

At the bottom, I got back my skis, and returned to the other hill. I was the big fish again…then again that’s not saying much when the other users were largely seven, and under.

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31 thoughts on “Why You Should NEVER Ski.

  1. Yes, I wanted to say I was one of those people from outer space who never skied, but I actually do have some memory of going on a camp trip as a child, at a resort hotel in the winter where they took us to a skiing. All I remember is falling flat on my face.

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  2. I love it. Brought back a lot of memories. After I “mastered” downhill skiing I thought I could do anything and took up motorcycle racing. I don’t know how I lived so long. Thanks for the memories.

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      • Did you find your muscles incredibly sore afterwards and have trouble moving much the next few days? I sure did! I thought I was in shape at the time, but apparently skiiing really humbles a person in multiple ways. Crazily enough I tried snowboarding a couple years later. Still fell, still had muscle soreness, still had to deal with those ridiculous pants, but at least when I fell I wasn’t laid out in a swastica shape! Skiing surely must be evil…

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  3. oh, boy… You are brave. I don’t like the cold white wet stuff, so have never been skiing. Ice-skating? Yes the two times I have gone, nice wet buttocks because I could not stay on my feet. Other than the fall I hope you had fun.

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  4. Hahaha. Nothing like going down a mountain at terrifying speed with a couple of planks strapped to your feet. You should go again and write about it so we can all have another bloody good laugh at your expense! Brilliant mate. Brilliant.

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  5. My first time was with those who were weened on skis. To be brave, I got on the lift, but could not get off in time. They had to stop it for me. That was just the beginning of the humiliation. I did go back, though. So will you. ☺ Van

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  6. Aaarrgghh, skiing! In another life I did lessons etc and endured those slopes for what seemed like an eternity (3 seasons) for my kids’ sakes. Officially gave it up and have never been happier. When I tell people I don’t like skiing they look at me like I’m crazy, but can’t stand it and I suck at it. If we were meant to ski we would have long plank-like feet. Stay on non-snow covered land!

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  7. I love skiing but my boyfriend hates it. He’s 6′ and I’m 5’2″…and 1/2. My theory is that I’m more comfortable because I’m lower to the ground. Yep, I’m basically one of those children “whizzing” by you. Lollipop guild represent!

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  8. I tried it once. As I was making my way towards the bunny hill (not on the hill yet) I fell. A pregnant woman had to help me up. Fast forward to the bunny hill…I slide half way down…on my behind. A 6 year old whooshed up to me and asked me if I was okay then sped off like a demon in a hover craft. I took my rental skis off and stormed back to the shop demanding my money back! I was going to drink it in the bar instead.

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  9. Yep. I went once. I love the bunny hill (but not the inevitable multi-skier pile-up of the button lift). I also do NOT love the big hill. I can still hear reverberations of the one word I uttered for my entire descent: Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuccccccccccccckkkkkkk!!!!!!!!!!!

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