laughs – John Lee Taggart

August 18, 2016August 18, 2016

Eating in Bathrooms

There are a fair few things in this life that are not okay. That list seems to be getting exponentially larger with every passing day, but currently includes the likes of; kicking people in the face (unless you are a professional face kicker), driving as fast as humanely possible (unless you are a professional fast car racer), and being an ignorant bigoted racist dickhead (unless you are Donald Trump). Now another thing I would throw in there, and I’m sure you would too, is eating sandwiches in public bathrooms…

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DISCLAIMER: Although I’d rather you didn’t – you are free to eat sandwiches in your own clean bathroom. The world will still judge you harshly for it, but then again – you are probably not going to tell anyone are you? It’ll be your little secret held away from the judgemental eyes of the world’s media – fearful you will be nicknamed “The Pee-Pee Pepperoni”, “Ham and Cheese Bare Knees”, or “Ugly Naked Person Eating a Sandwich”.

The point is it’s weird. But there’s just something about public bathrooms that makes the act way more weird. Most of them I have ever been in scream: “GET IN, GET OUT. DON’T TOUCH ANYTHING. NO CRUMBS ON THE URINE!” Don’t misunderstand me, apart from the grunting guy in the stalls there isn’t much noise; I was simply suggesting that the oddly sticky floor, the foul stench, and the altogether horribleness of the environment makes for internal screaming so loud you can almost be deafened.

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All of that also makes for a place not okay to munch on a Subway sandwich. Especially if you have another hand steadying the ship (I mean penis.) as you wolf down your lunch.

If it isn’t already obvious I witnessed this, and I still don’t get it. How busy are you mystery stranger? What is going on that you need to multi-task to such a degree?

I really wanted to know, but he already had so much going on.

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August 15, 2016August 15, 2016

Bloodthirsty Seagulls

I honestly don’t know what to think. I don’t know how to feel. I don’t know what to do…I just…I don’t know.

I truly believe we are witnessing something huge, a seismic shift into a re-ordered food-chain, and yet still no one is talking about it, no one cares. Then again maybe I am the only one who sees it, perhaps I am the only one not jacked into the Matrix, and everyone else is just waltzing through life watching Game of Thrones and eating various types of sandwiches, oblivious to the darkness that is slowly seeping into our rosy top of the food chain lives…

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DON’T YOU SEE IT, HUH?! DON’T YOU?! GAAD YOU’RE BLIND. LOOK OUT THE WINDOW AND HEAR THE BLOODCURDLING CRIES!

Seagulls are taking over. They are everywhere, not just the sea – in fact let’s change their names to Everywheregulls, it would make more sense. A little bit of a mouthful, but still.

With every passing day they rise further and further, gaining numbers and strength, and before you know it they will infiltrate your perfect little Dairylea Dunker life…it won’t be long before it’s all be over.

They have wings, there’s advantage one. We don’t have wings, so that’s our disadvantage…err one. Also they have beaks. Yes I have a large nose, that is jokingly referred to as a beak by hurtful people who were never loved as children – but the truth is it is not an actual beak so would not be much use in combat. That’s 2-0 for Team Seagull. And I know what you’re (probably not) thinking, but even if I could fashion some sort of beak-looking thing out of bits of cardboard and tin foil they would outnumber me massively. Also they get to publicly defecate on people’s heads with little to no repercussion. It is highly frowned upon for humans to do this.

Basically it’s all over, we had a good run I guess. But it’s all over.

Ever since my return to the UK I have realised only one thing. Actually no two – the first one is that British bacon is just the best in the world, and my goodness do I enjoy that lovely goodness. Preferably in a Greggs stottie bun along with HP brown sauce. Heaven on earth. Ahh, it’s just so great.

Sorry – getting distracted from serious things due to bacon, as per usual. But the second is that there has been a horrible adjustment to life as I used to know it…seagulls have inflitrated where they once did not wander, and we find ourselves in a sort of Planet of the Seagulls type of grim situation. Don’t dare steal that name Hollywood, because if we survive this I will be making that movie.

Why do you people always want explanations?! Can’t you just believe whatever I am saying without any sort of…fine. Well just this past week I have witnessed first hand two things which emphasise my point: firstly I was held hostage in my own home by a crazed dive-bombing family of seagulls, and then just a few days later I witnessed a savage seagull ripping into a pigeon – feasting on its innards, and then… and then it laughed and was all “hahaha, what are you going to do John, huh? Fucking nothing you worthless little human. Run home. Fucking run home.”

Just joking. He was eating the pigeon’s face, not the innards.

Now call me a stickler for the facts, or maybe even a person who overreacts at any given thing – but…seagulls…they are supposed to be close to the sea doing sea-related things, like stealing ice cream cones and shitting all over public landmarks. Not hanging out in a terraced street terrorising the locals, or enjoying an all you can gobble pigeon buffet outside a Tesco Express. So this suggests that they are looking to change the status quo. They want a shake up. And as we slowly but surely move into the future predicted in WALL-E they will easily be able to achieve their goal.

Please join with me in my resistance. And bring sponges please, my windows are a horrific sight at the moment.

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January 17, 2016January 17, 2016

Death of People.

People keep dying, and I wish we could do something about it.

Not actually stop people from dying in general you understand; I mean that would be ridiculous, a mad scheme of a raving lunatic…something you would pull from a bad science-fiction novel (or something I would write, which is effectively the same thing), so yeah – no. Instead I am suggesting maybe some sort of system where we know when people will say goodbye to the physical world as we know it. That’s all.

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I’ll let the technological boffins see to the details and the fine-tuning of the actual logistics of such a thing; I’m more of the Steve Jobs in this situation, barking out grandiose ideas and then coming back once they’re all done to unveil the finished article, (and then taking all the glory).

You see, I don’t like waking up to news about family who have passed away, which seemed to happen a lot in recent years…and I also don’t like hearing some of my favourite people from the world of celebrity are no longer with us. Just this year we’ve had David Bowie and Alan Rickman, last year it was Gunnar Hansen (Leatherface from the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre), and then 2014 saw the untimely exit of Robin Williams, Philip Seymour Hoffman, and Richard Attenborough – I MEAN COME ON! IT’S RELENTLESS!

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You see it’s not just those that are directly related to us that matter. The death of a beloved celebrity can be extremely personal…it goes a lot deeper than just people on the screen, or voices that sing on the radio. Those which connect to us on a deeper level become part of our lives, and as such part of our entire human existence. A movie which once provoked a feeling will forever be remembered, a song can become the background music for an entire section of our life or can spark a memory of past friendships, accomplishments, and possibly even failures. And so when these people leave us, seemingly so abruptly, it feels as if a piece of us has been lost – cut out with a crude tool leaving a Snape sized hole (or whatever it may be!) where he used to be nestled so comfortably moments before.

It’s the shock which is half of the problem. They’re here, and then the next day they’re suddenly not. Of course the fact that such a life countdown device (still working on a more catchy name) is not available at the moment means we can only attempt to grasp life with as much passion and vigor as humanely possible. We have no choice but to abide by the unforgiving rules of our species, and try to treasure the here and now as that’s all we have. And anyway do you really think a Starman or wizard can ever truly die? No fucking way…not when we can always relisten and rewatch. And even in the void their physical death leaves, you can never scrub away the lasting impression their short burst of life gave you…

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I hate the idea of resting in peace – I’d much rather they dance vividly in my memories, just as they did before their deaths…that, in my opinion, is a much better way to view such bitter sadness.

p.s. don’t steal my idea, there’s a patent pending – cheers.

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Thank you so much ~

November 13, 2015November 13, 2015

The Power of Film

Film is important:

And there are many reasons for this as it is such a vivid combination of so many arts; cinematography, music, sound design, editing, storytelling, acting…they all play a part in this unparalleled form of expression. It also possesses the sufficient wizardry required to transport us to faraway places and times – both physically and mentally…we can also experience a character’s life and gain an insight into their point of view, however wacky and odd their personality may be. This can serve to make us more accepting, and less prejudice people…or more unaccepting and discriminatory people – with great films comes great power, and (often) well…irresponsibility.

For a quick example I watched the new James Bond film recently (Spectre), and I found myself nodding along like…“yeah…yeah…I AM in essence 007!” I mean I like clothes, travel, and alcohol – also I’m not a huge fan of overpowering authority figures – the only mark against is that I don’t shoot people for money: but that’s only a minor part of the whole movie franchise, so there we go! I am Bond, James Bond: and I don’t want to hear any arguments about it…

In other news my kindergarten kids have just got into Star Wars…I suppose they’ve been playing it on the TV recently, what with the new one coming out next month – and we’ve been delighting in having non-stop lightsaber battles throughout the duration of the day. I’ve also realised that I am more than likely closer to the dark side than most would say is normal…case in point I have been delighting in killing my six year old Jedi students with my force lightning ability. I mean someone has to be the Sith bad guy – and the red swords are a lot better looking…and yeah, yeah, I know I will eventually lose – but at least I get to look cool while doing it…

« So you see there is this sense of escape, fantasy…or perhaps even unattainable galactic dreams – and it’s not a thing which can be easily shaken. Or stirred… (urgh, see what I mean?!) »

It’s always been this way though: perhaps I’m easily influenced, but there’s never been a time I can remember where films and their characters haven’t played a pivotal role in either how I want my life to be, or who I wish to be as a person. And naturally I haven’t adopted these roles entirely like some mad life-long method actor – but rather I have just absorbed certain elements which I then begin to endorse…case in point with The Lord of the Rings I became aware through Gimli that running for long distances wasn’t fun – and with Merry and Pippin, that second breakfasts were not something to be embarrassed about. And in Dumbo I learned that if you drink too much bloodthirsty pink elephants will appear in a frenetic dream sequence intent on killing you. All of these things are totally necessary, and I’m thankful for the world of film for enlightening me in so many ways…

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this ramble…would love to hear of some characters and movies which you have enjoyed – especially ones I haven’t heard of! Always on the hunt for a new favourite!

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November 8, 2015November 8, 2015

Elderly Children

The other day I laughed like I haven’t done in months…and it wasn’t from a well-crafted and intelligent political barb either, or an amusing satirical comment on Western society’s culture – or anything else that demands some level of brain activity to “get” – no…it was a lot more simple and pure than all of that, but not any less meaningful. Well, maybe a little…

Anyway it was undoubtedly something silly; and it came about by me walking into a classroom, and coming across a rather strange sight – a small hunched character who couldn’t have been more than five or six years old. It was one of those moments where it takes a few seconds to take it all in and process…

You see this kid had pushed his shoulders up, and his head down – basically eliminating his whole neck…making him look vaguely reminiscent of both Frankenstein’s monster and a penguin with a spinal problem at the same time. To keep the shoulders in shape he was forced to waddle as he walked to maintain composure…and felt it was necessary to emit a few R2-D2 style “BOOP-BAP-BEEP”s every now and again, which (thanks to his missing front teeth) had an eerie and creepy sound to them…this was all probably necessary though, just to remind people he was still there circling the table.

I also noted that he would occasionally outstretch his right hand slightly as if reaching for an imaginary walking stick which he had sadly misplaced…which led me to believe this was perhaps an older Frankenstein’s monster penguin model. But that was of course an assumption I am still yet to verify. Either way I felt in my heart of hearts that if I had some spare teeth lying around I wouldn’t hesitate to offer them to this bizarre yet amusing creature, he was just trying to live dammit – and seemed like a pretty nice guy.

There was just something about the whole spectacle which made me burst out laughing, and as he inevitably began to giggle too the shoulders began to droop slowly but surely…and the beeps turned into baaps, and the baaps quickly turned into “ba-ha-ha-ha”s. Before I knew it we were both in hysterics with laughter, and so the rest of the kids in the class took the baton: copying the same character, busily circling the table with their now neckless bodies.

Such little weirdos, seriously!

But it made me think though…where do we lose this? And when…and WHY?! Because I know I still behave like this – but I’m seen largely as stupid, childish, or immature (there are other words but it’s a family show). However I do feel like if we were all a little more like this, just having fun and amusing both ourselves and each other…then life would be that little bit more enjoyable. In other words if the elderly had as much of a laugh imitating children as these kids had imitating the elderly then this world would be a lot less dreary.

All I know is I’m writing a mental note to do the Frankenstein’s monster penguin shuffle at age 93. Don’t let me forget…okay? Even if I scream at you to get off my lawn and begin a rant about “kids these days”…make me do it.

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October 26, 2015November 4, 2015

How to NOT do Halloween Make-Up!

So I tried to follow one of those ‘How To Do Halloween Make-Up!’ things…and well, it didn’t work out great…it wasn’t as easy as they tried to make it seem – BELIEVE ME! Check this out for proof, I’m sorry in advance…

Oh, and if you have a video request you can leave a comment, or send me an email – if it’s a cool/interesting idea then I will get to it as soon as I can!

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October 5, 2015October 5, 2015

Travel Tips!

Okay, finally got down to this one! I’m certainly no expert, and don’t really claim to be – but I feel like I can at least impart some advice I’ve picked up along the way! I will say this; they are (mostly) all just common sense – but that doesn’t mean they aren’t worth saying!

Hope they help!

If you have a video request you can leave a comment, or send me an email – if it’s a cool/interesting idea then I will get to it as soon as I can!

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September 16, 2015September 16, 2015

Why Do Men Have to Use Urinals?! (Video Request)

Why is it that it is okay for men to pee in a pot with an audience, but not for ladies? Well, it’s certainly a pretty weird issue…but a one I was glad to delve into (eww)…

What do you think? Don’t be a shy bladder – get involved with the gross debate!

Oh, and if you have a video request you can leave a comment, or send me an email – if it’s a cool/interesting idea then I will get to it as soon as I can!

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September 12, 2015September 12, 2015

Drunk Sign Language

On another seemingly normal day I ran into a new friend…sort of…well, a random stranger who had a rather urgent message for me in an unknown version of sign language. I have actually no idea what was going on – but it takes all sorts to make this weird and wonderful world, right?

Still haven’t got the foggiest clue what was going on…

If you have a video request you can leave a comment, or send me an email – if it’s a cool/interesting idea then I will get to it as soon as I can!

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