The world is filled with labels and I must say I find it pretty annoying. There’s just so many of them; white, black, gay, straight, fat, thin…you name it, there’s a label that goes alongside it. But of all of the man-made labels that exist in this god-forsaken world of ours one stands out that grates on me the most…I loathe it beyond measure…as it actually makes me a totally different person…like Anakin Skywalker levels of demented rage…
And that label is…the label on shirts.
I just can’t handle them, I just can’t! They itch, and itch, and itch – just completely torment me with an unrelenting dark energy, which is intent on destroying my day. It’s not even like a friendly tickle – it’s like a barrage of angered scorpions continually being poured down your back after being told you just insulted their mother. Pssst…go on…GETTTHIMMM! ATTTAAAACK!
So as a result you spend your time, often in public – flailing around like a possessed kite, whipping and turning, wriggling and writhing – trying to free yourself from the constant irritation – but nothing helps…no matter how inventive you get…
Even bears have trouble with labels on their fur coats. To see this majestic animal in such discomfort brings tears to my eyes.
But fear not my brothers, and sisters; I bring a message of hope to all animals of this earth, and indeed of this entire universe – you don’t need those labels…in fact they are of barely any value in themselves…and we can cut them out completely.
In doing so we can be rid of those wretched things which only serve to bring mankind down, and darken our days. My usual weapon of choice is kitchen scissors – they are robust, and strong enough – and the sliiiiiice sound gives me a warm sense of satisfaction as it rips through the tag with ease. Two cuts, and that’s it – gone forever.
And as I see it sitting there, I think what was the point? Just in place to create friction…and for what? To tell me of how much it is worth, where it’s from, or the size? WHOOOOOCAAAARES?!
Hogan…HOGAN! I said kitchen scissors! KITCHEN SCISSORS, NOT…ahhh never mind…do your thing, man.
So free yourself by either using my advice, or Hulk Hogan’s…both are pretty effective: life without labels…bliss.