John Lee Taggart

South Korea – Jeju Island ~ 2013

I am pale. Very, very pale. Like Nosferatu pale. Really I shouldn’t ever see sunlight – that would probably work out best for me. But the heart wants what it wants unfortunately, which is to go outside and not live in a cave all of my life. So factor 5000 it is. Except they don’t make that (if they do then please send me a private message, PLEASE), so more often than not I am burned to a red crisp every single time there is even a peak of sun.

Let me take you back to last year, on a long weekend trip to Jeju Island…

It’s a perfect Friday morning for me, the clouds are out – the sun is not. I’m loving life! But as we board the ferry I am squished in the crazed congestion as people try to cram themselves inside all at once. I roll up my sleeves a little and fan myself with my cap to try and alleviate some of the heat and sweatiness. It doesn’t really work. Not even slightly. Actually I now feel worse – thanks to the old lady behind me screeching in my ear and poking me up the anus with her umbrella when I don’t move fast enough…

Never mind. Eventually we are all on, and I rush up to the top deck for some well needed fresh air.

There is not much to do, so I figure a little bit of cloud-bathing will pass some time…I quickly fall asleep, as the chilly wind whips reassuringly at my face…when I wake I feel gross and stiff, I guess sleeping on a metal floor, with a rigid luggage case as a pillow, isn’t exactly five star comfort. But I force myself up and marvel at the view with the rest of the people on the deck, apparently “OOOOOHS” and “AAAAAHS” basically mean the same thing in every language, good to know!

That’s when it started…the phrase I have heard over one million times in my lifetime…”John, I think you’ve caught the sun”…

I know that is just a nice way of saying I look like I have fell into the sun, after all – how many times have I heard that exact sympathetic line? That’s too much maths for my little brain to manage, but it’s roughly in the millions.

When we finally get to our hotel, we all decide to get showered and changed quickly so we can head out for dinner and a nice walk on the beach. I wasn’t going to let a little sunburn get the better of m-“OH MY, JESUS CRIES!”

Until now I hadn’t saw myself in a mirror. But staring back at me was a totally unfamiliar figure. There wasn’t a young man there, but a giant humanoid lobster. It looked back at me in disbelief and began to unbutton it’s shirt, revealing a weird luminously white chest piece…and thanks to the rolled up shirt it had been wearing, it was now sporting molten red gauntlets half way up its quivering arms.

After a freezing cold shower, I felt more like myself – but looked the exact same. I wondered what I should wear that might minimize how obviously red I was…that’s when I had a brainwave! I would wear my pink shirt! That way it would all kind of blend together and you wouldn’t really be able to tell I was burned at all! haha, wow! I wish I thought of this YEARS ago!

This was the result…not exactly what I intended:

Please note the white patch where my watch had fallen while sleeping…

Anyway, so as you can see it didn’t work at all. Instead I looked like I was wearing a massive sausage as a jumpsuit. It looked like I was just all one colour…and that colour was a pinky red mixture of embarrassment.

So my advice to people like me…don’t worry! There’s hope! Just stay in your cave and never leave – because even when there’s no sun, you can still get burned somehow. Seriously…get netflix.

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