Everyday Awkward

Here’s your daily dose of silliness – but something that is seriously all too common in my daily routine…can anyone else relate to my top five everyday awkward moments?

1. Showing someone a video/song, and immediately making excuses for it:

Show GIF

This happens to me a lot…usually it is a “funny” video – or a song that I think no one in their right mind couldn’t love…only to be met with blank stares. “Errrr, just stick with it! Err…it gets good soon…huh…hmm…it isn’t that funny on second thought…sorry…sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking.” Then your friend pretends it wasn’t that bad, and the awkward circle continues.

2. Holding the door open for someone, after miscalculating how far away they were:

Wait Door GIF

This was brought up on a recent post, but I think we can all agree that this one is a lurking MENACE. You are wandering along in your own world, you sort of realise someone is walking somewhere close behind you – naturally you hold open the door, only to look up, and see that they are A HUNDRED MILES AWAY!

Well, not exactly but it certainly feels like it. Again the awkwardness works on both sides, as you have to consider just letting the door close, and risking it slamming in their faces…or keeping it held open, and consequently forcing the stranger to quicken their pace, so that this horrible exchange can finally die. Urgh, how do we do away with this tradition?!

 3. Saying “nice to meet you”, during a phone call:

Awkward GIF

At least people can’t see your facial expressions on the phone…because if they could they would see my face curl into a URGHHHLLLLLDURGGG when I find myself dropping this absolute clanger. I usually attempt to clear it up, with an automatic compliment…like the following…honestly, it doesn’t really work ~

“Nice to meet you.. oh, err – you have lovely eyes – SHIT, no. Errr…can, can…can we just start all this again please? It’s my first phone call ever, so I am a little nervous.” 

– BEEEEEEEEP – Guess not. 

4. Answering back with “you too”, despite it not being applicable:

You Too GIF

This one can strike at any time – it seems to have a field day on birthdays though, you know like…“HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” – “Oh, thanks, you too!” And then you have to stand there as a tumbleweed rolls on by. Or perhaps it’ll happen when dealing with restaurants ~ “Hope you enjoy your meal!” – “I will, thanks – you too.” ARGH! 

Why did you even think you could leave the house? Total lack of foresight on your part, I’m afraid! NEVER LEAVE YOUR CAVE, IT’S NOT SAFE!

5. Pushing a “pull” door, and pulling a “push” one:

Push Pull GIF

It’s fine when there’s no one around…well, sort of – you still get a deep burst of sadness, that pushes its way all the way down to your core, and makes you feel worthless. But, still – at least no one saw it, and was able to pass smirking judgement.

This seems to happen more regularly (by horrific coincidence), when I am trying to imitate a cool, movie actor type walkaway. Something like…“well, I best be going – you take care now…see you when I see you.” The turn was perfect, your eyes were piercing, and there was a slight swish to your coat tail as you spun away from the now enchanted individual.

Cut to you, clumsily wrestling with the door, and then having to look back at the person, and use a pathetic, grovelling ‘he-he-he” laugh before you finally make your actual exit.

So, yeah – life…it can be a struggle! Are there any more I have missed out? 

facebook.com/storytimewithjohn

Hate at First Sight (Hungary)

Hungary ~ Budapest – 2014

I hadn’t been to Hungary in well over five years, so on this recent trip to eastern Europe I was hoping for a different experience with more mature eyes…for those of you who didn’t read it before, this was my last encounter with the country:- “scrotum-stares-hungary” I mean the name says it all…but it’s still probably worth a quick read just so you are up to speed!

Anyway, rest assured I had my fingers crossed hoping that there would be a lot less scrotums this time around, and a little less staring if possible! Well the short version is that I didn’t see any scrotums on this adventure (automatic huge plus!), but the staring was at threat level midnight! This time there was a lot more hostility to the gazes, I think it was due to the fact that I was now a young man…so therefore probably fair game, perhaps when I was a child they didn’t think it was so acceptable to give me the type of look that suggests they want to rip off my head and use it as an ornament, or more likely – an ash tray.

Hostile GIF

As my brother and I walked around it became clear that the male portion of the population were the most forthright in their glares – they sneered, growled, and made every other caveman-ish attempt to make us feel uncomfortable. We stood out I guess, the native’s clothes looked like they had been purchased in the early 90s…usually the look was completed with a raggedy mullet curling down the flabby neck of its owner – so in comparison, despite the fact we were just wearing shirts and dark jeans, in their eyes we may as well have been wearing Elton John style glitter jackets. This is largely conjecture, but we came to the conclusion that they probably thought we were two young homosexual chaps on a nice week break together…and that they would try and laser-eye the homosexuality out of us, or at least make us feel sufficiently uncomfortable with the whole thing. Hard to enjoy licking an ice cream cone, with 20 bigoted men staring at your every movement. Very awkward. 

On the subway we took to staring at the ground, pretending we were not aware of the blatant display of hatred – in our hometown it was pretty much the same drill in certain areas. Both places were filled with people who will aggressively stare, and if you even glance at them it will be all, “are you looking at me?! You want to start something?! Someone hold my brain I’m going to fuck this cheeky bastard up!!!” I can’t speak Hungarian, but I imagine it is pretty much the same, word for word. One time we stepped on the train, cue hateful stares of course – but this time we were also met with a strange gypsy-looking lady humming a bizarre tune loudly to the rest of the cramped carriage…I assumed she was asking for money for her performance, but nope…she was just rocking back and forth wailing out of her lungs…this would make a great eerie tune on a horror movie sequence, I thought to myself…but was cut short from this imaginary sequence by a mustached man in front of me – he pointed at my trainers, so naturally I looked down…maybe my laces were untied, or a bird had shit on them or something…nothing…I looked back at him, and he pointed again – oh God, leave me alone – I shook my head, and looked away, wondering if my ear drums would explode anytime soon so I wouldn’t have to be subjected to the lady’s groaning tune anymore –

“JUST LOOK, JUST LOOK!”

I knew it was him. I took my time to turn to face him, and even when I did it was with a slow robotic movement…I didn’t want to have anything more to do with him, but perhaps if I didn’t give him drips of conversation he would pin me down and make me listen to the harpy-lady’s song for the rest of time. And I couldn’t take that. He made gestures that insinuated he wanted me to take of my shoes, and give them to him…you know, just so he could look.

Oh my God, I am going to be beaten up and robbed for my trainers…I’ll have to walk back to the flat in my socks…I bet there will be loads of little stones that are mildly uncomfortable to tread on…oh God, no…just FUCK OFF, comb your mustache, slap a Gran, go cow-tipping, something, anything – whatever you do – JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

So scared GIF

I shot him a confused look, that in my head would be perfect Oscar-winning acting…”I done, I done no…what you say…when…I done” I stammered to him slowly, even introducing my hands and shoulders, to further emphasise just how little sense his broken English was making to me…in my head I was Russian…but I suppose it doesn’t really matter, so long as he didn’t run off with my Nike Airs.

We arrived at a station, the doors opened – and the majority of the cabin flooded out together, they had been some kind of strange collective group…the strange singing lady, the burly sneaker thief, and the rest of his staring entourage. I breathed a heavy sigh of relief…as did my shoes.

Stepped in shit on the way back to the flat though, go figure – should have left him have em after all! 

Like this story? Then why not like the Facebook page?http://www.facebook.com/storytimewithjohn YOU KNOW IT MAKES SENSE!

%d bloggers like this: