bacon – John Lee Taggart

November 2, 2015

Failure = Bacon

It seems more and more common in this day and age to force ourselves to do things which we know to be uncomfortable, or in some cases totally impossible…

We sign up for classes in which you actually pay money to jump up and down until you feel like your intestines are about to fall out…we buy books and download language apps – promising ourselves we will be fluent in French, Chinese, and Elvish in one year…we say we’ll never drink again: but the thing is this kind of talk is as far from reality as Legolas himself – it’s a complete fantasy land, or at the most too much of a pain in the arse to ever be worth it. But it’s this whole “no pain, no gain” mentality that pushes us on, as if it only really counts as an achievement or a success in the end if you suffered, cried, and almost died to get it. But why is that? Why do we have to have a horrible time for it to be something worthwhile – what ever happened to just enjoying life?

I’m rambling, I know, I know. I’m just upset because amidst the Halloween celebrations on the weekend I overdid it and spent an absolutely monstrous amount of money…and I’ve being hating myself ever since because I was trying to force myself to save money for next year’s travel budget. I was planning on living like a monk – very minimalist; perhaps I would treat myself to a sprinkle of salt over plain uncooked rice every now and again – but aside from that it would be a rather grim and unexciting existence, days spent staring at blank walls to avoid being suckered into buying things, refusing to listen to music in case Jay Z convinces me to splash out where I know I shouldn’t.

But apparently when I dress up as a vampire I become an entirely different person, like a Jekyll and Hyde transformation…and suddenly I’m buying people I don’t like drinks, and announcing it’s no big deal that guys have to pay double the amount that girls do into clubs (I mean, what?! Why?!) I almost had a heart attack the next day looking at my bank balance – and then ate some bacon to make myself feel better, so a real one may be coming any day now…that’s not a lofty target, that’s just science unfortunately.

I need to set realistic goals, as does everyone else – making huge claims and promises are all well and good…but normally you’re never going to meet a finish line which you have placed a million miles away, it’s just not going to happen. So I’m rethinking my savings forecast and being a little more lenient, allowing for splurges here and there…whenever Count Drac decides to surface for large pizzas, imported ales, and tequila shots: hate and love that guy. In the meantime I will try and take on a little more work to make up the difference financially, after all it is true that most good things don’t come easy, but all work and no play makes Jonny and Drac very dull boys indeed.

To put it simply: pain and barely any gain – just make a person insane; so don’t be so hard on yourself.

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October 29, 2015October 29, 2015

NEWS: Everything Fun KILLS You.

Despite many attempting to campaign against the overwhelming facts – it has now been confirmed in no uncertain terms that everything that is fun does indeed kill you. As a direct result of these new findings bacon dispensers (like the one below) will be removed and destroyed, and there are plans in place to also make doughnuts and other sugary goods illegal.

In response to this new development doctors are now suggesting something which most would consider to be controversial; that you end your life as soon as possible, as there really is nothing to live for anymore…

One of these left-wing doctors is Dr. Madeup, and he had this to say:

“The thing is, the data is there for all to see: so if you wish to ignore it and carry on living then that is your personal decision…I am simply suggesting to my patients and the rest of the world alike that their quality of life will invariably be greatly affected when you take away such things as alcohol, drugs, laziness and bacon…which despite being the most fun things available in the universe – are all things which can kill, or at the very least make you very very dead.”

People have fought back against this model of thinking, deeming it to be limiting and close-minded…but none can really discount the actual reality; that there is a moving scale between ‘fun’ and ‘health’ – which consequently means the more healthy a thing is, the less fun it is: and vice-versa. Take intensive exercise for an example; it makes you feel physically sick and often like dying would be a more preferable alternative…but is reportedly good for you. And yet on the other hand a bacon triple cheeseburger with extra cheese, extra bacon, and extra anything your heart desires – is reportedly bad for you…despite feeling like a warm and loving hug in a bun. It’s no wonder then that so many people are confused due to this huge discrepancy…

I interviewed somewhere between 0 and 1,000,000 people in the hope of gauging public opinion on this subject, and every single one of them seemed to feel the same way, namely; let down, disappointed and in some cases morbidly depressed at the horrific state of the world’s future.

One person in particular still echoes in my head:

“It’s crazy, you know? I used to think bacon was truly good for me – I mean it made me feel great: like a supportive spouse but…food, you know? So I had it on everything; bread, pasta, pizza, cereal, erm…my windowsill. So to hear so suddenly that it is unhealthy and a leading cause of cancer – well, I just feel betrayed by scientists. They led us to believe it was pretty much a salad…”

What will happen next is unclear, but leading well-respected authorities including Colonel Sanders, Ronald McDonald, and The Burger King are all united in their stances – that we are now entering a post-apocalyptic era…but not exciting like The Hunger Games or Mad Max – and there seems to be nothing we can do about it…

Please Note: It has also been suggested by a few radical scientists that life itself kills and that we will all inevitably die one day; but these rumours have been widely discredited by most skeptics.

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June 12, 2015

Everyday Expressions

There are a whole lot of phrases and idioms that I feel like we can all do without…I mean just because we are used to using them, and they have been around for a while doesn’t make them any less silly, or in some cases non-sensical!

Here’s a little list of everyday expressions that I think we could all manage perfectly fine without!

“I’ve got some skeletons in my closet…”

This one has always bugged me, especially as a kid as it gave me the heebie-jeebies…I mean the insinuation is that someone has dead bodies in their closet, just sitting there. Rather morbid I’m sure you’d agree. But moral implications aside, wouldn’t people suspect you immediately when you are walking around in clothes that smell like corpses?! Wouldn’t be a big secret past for long! Yeeesh!

Suggestion: “I’ve done some things in the past I’m not proud of.” OR “I’ve killed many people, and I’m a little tardy with the cleanup – so now I have a load of skeletons in my closet. It’s truly embarrassing – can we go to your house instead?”

“That’s really unique…”

That odd looking fella at the bus stop, the mole on your aunt’s face, the unexplained growth on your groin – they are all unique, and one of a kind! So because of this, the description of their uniqueness cannot be assisted or amplified by any other word – they’re either unique, or they’re not. So we can throw out the use of; so, quite, really, very, etc and every other adverb of degree as they simply don’t make sense.

Suggestion: “That’s unique.” (Now take a photo)

“I’m not gonna lie…”

Oh wait…so you have to make a little disclaimer before you say whatever it is you are about to say? I’ve been listening to your drivel and just assuming you are not a morally corrupt sith lying through your teeth…but now I doubt everything you have said before this point! It’s the same premise when people ask if you want “the honest truth” – like…WHUT?!

Suggestion: “I’m usually a massive liar – you’ve watched Pinocchio, right? Well it’s based on my past life as a professional bullshitter…but this time around I’m telling the truth. Maybe.”

“Needless to say…”

If it’s truly needless to say, then why are you saying it? Why do you have this innate need – this unbelievably strong compulsion to just say it anyway?! Can we just sit in silence, or can you perhaps make me a cake or something? I’d probably like you a lot more if you were to do that.

Suggestion: Nothing…like literally, nothing.

“It was a mutual agreement…”

An agreement is two people agreeing…and as they agreed on something, we can correctly assume that they had a mutual understanding (hehe, see what I did there?) on the subject of their agreement with one another. Urgh, my head hurts.

Suggestion: “We talked for a bit, and then agreed.”

“If someone would have told me 10 years ago, I’d be doing ____, I would never have believed them…”

If someone walked up to you in the middle of the street, presumably with a cape and a crystal ball – spouting out forecasts for your future, and telling of omens on what will be…well you would rightly be a little nervous. You’d probably run away, or at the very least pretend to be too engrossed in your earphones to hear what was been said. You may even beat the lady with her broom, and add another to the closet, who knows?

Suggestion: “I know this is going to sound totally pretentious and self-involved, but my life is way more awesome than I could have ever expected 10 years ago! Seriously, I mean look at me – I am fucking fantastic.”

“You’re the apple of my eye…”

I feel like this used to work perhaps…you know back in the day when you would get an apple and an orange in your Christmas stocking – but now? No way. There are just way better things in regular circulation that would serve as better metaphorical comparisons to the feeling of true love!

Suggestion: “I love you! You are the bacon double cheeseburger of my eye!”

(SEE! The GIF makes sense after all!)

Anyway my friends, that’s all I’ve got…but did I miss any? Can you think of some more that should have made the list?!

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Please buy my collection of stories! Get it in paperback here – or on Kindle here! ALL proceeds go towards Macmillan Cancer Support!

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Please Note: It has also been suggested by a few radical scientists that life itself kills and that we will all inevitably die one day; but these rumours have been widely discredited by most skeptics.

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