I WON THE LOTTERY

So New York state lottery officials say that the first-prize winning ticket for this Tuesday’s $326 million Mega Millions jackpot was sold at an upstate New York gas station. But, no one has come forward yet to claim the huge jackpot!  Seriously what is going on…what is this person up to which is more important? There must be something really good on the television…maybe they are just getting into Breaking Bad, and can’t tear themselves away. Maybe they are seeing how long they can last without electronics, and worst luck it was right when they were due this GARGANTUAN windfall.

I mean there are many possibilities…

Hare GIF

But I honestly think if I did, I may literally shit my pants with excitement. Sure, I could buy a thousand more pairs once I cashed the thing in, so no big deal…but the immediate moment after realising I have won would be a very painful, and embarrassing situation for me. I’d have to waddle around with this mess in my trousers – maybe that would lead to me walking awkwardly…kinda like a penguin, but not cute…

And as I walk, and it sloshes around – it starts chafing…even when I am a millionaire the rash is still there, and rubs against my expensive trousers I just bought…but I have to wear them, because I don’t want to be judged by all those fucks at the golf club I was told I needed to join – so it’s rubbing, and rubbing, and the rash becomes raw, and bloody – I need more trousers, but it’s okay I have the money – but they STILL chafe! And then that becomes infected, and then they tell me I have to get them amputated, “you shouldn’t have shit yourself” the Doctor says – and then the surgery for bionic legs costs about $300 million dollars – but I miss having legs, because I am sick of people calling me names like Professor X…so I pay them the money, and I am back to my normal life, with all of the normal people, they used to like me – but I thought it would be funny to stick my middle finger out of the Bentley as I drove away from my hometown.

Could have just been nice about it, but I blew it, because I shit myself, and everyone knows as it was in the local paper.

Bill Murray GIF

Phew…you know what…the lottery sounds like a lotta’ work. I think I’ll pass. 

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