Posted on by Storytime with John

I WON THE LOTTERY

So New York state lottery officials say that the first-prize winning ticket for this Tuesday’s $326 million Mega Millions jackpot was sold at an upstate New York gas station. But, no one has come forward yet to claim the huge jackpot!  Seriously what is going on…what is this person up to which is more important? There must be something really good on the television…maybe they are just getting into Breaking Bad, and can’t tear themselves away. Maybe they are seeing how long they can last without electronics, and worst luck it was right when they were due this GARGANTUAN windfall.

I mean there are many possibilities…

Hare GIF

But I honestly think if I did, I may literally shit my pants with excitement. Sure, I could buy a thousand more pairs once I cashed the thing in, so no big deal…but the immediate moment after realising I have won would be a very painful, and embarrassing situation for me. I’d have to waddle around with this mess in my trousers – maybe that would lead to me walking awkwardly…kinda like a penguin, but not cute…

And as I walk, and it sloshes around – it starts chafing…even when I am a millionaire the rash is still there, and rubs against my expensive trousers I just bought…but I have to wear them, because I don’t want to be judged by all those fucks at the golf club I was told I needed to join – so it’s rubbing, and rubbing, and the rash becomes raw, and bloody – I need more trousers, but it’s okay I have the money – but they STILL chafe! And then that becomes infected, and then they tell me I have to get them amputated, “you shouldn’t have shit yourself” the Doctor says – and then the surgery for bionic legs costs about $300 million dollars – but I miss having legs, because I am sick of people calling me names like Professor X…so I pay them the money, and I am back to my normal life, with all of the normal people, they used to like me – but I thought it would be funny to stick my middle finger out of the Bentley as I drove away from my hometown.

Could have just been nice about it, but I blew it, because I shit myself, and everyone knows as it was in the local paper.

Bill Murray GIF

Phew…you know what…the lottery sounds like a lotta’ work. I think I’ll pass. 

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52 Replies to “I WON THE LOTTERY”

  1. Maybe that person fainted (over excitement) and hit his/her head so hard that he/she can’t remember to have won such a crazy amount of money… Might totally happen to me… Although… I might try to leave a message for myself before fainting…

    Liked by 2 people

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  2. People should be warned about this. We need to start some kind of campaign addressing the risks of lottery: “You might shit yourself/lose your legs”.
    Or else next thing you know, you’re surrounded with pretentious cyborgs. Don’t give lottery a chance.

    Liked by 4 people

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      1. umm…probably not. to my knowledge no BIG money prize has gone unclaimed. it’s a dollar or five here and there with some larger amounts thrown in. it adds up. people run lots of tickets thru the wash, lose them or just forget they have them. as a matter of fact, my wallet went thru the wash earlier this year pretty much ruining a couple of tickets. one was like a five $ winner. too much trouble to try cashing it in for just five bucks. not worth the bother.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Hmm I see, it just looks all the more staggering and shocking when it is the big winner! Although I suppose the same rules apply, probably floating around in a garbage heap somewhere! 😀

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      3. yes, it’s all very shockingly sad. some poor sod down to his last couple of dollars buys a pint and a ticket. only to lose the bazillion dollar winning ticket while taking a midnight dip in the pacific trying to sober up. he’s found face down in the sand in the morning. rather dead. the ticket? caught in the japanese current and half way to cabo san lucas. the horror.

        Liked by 1 person

  10. Pingback: Handsome Blogs – Pollin’ Thursday | Life, Etc.

  13. Your humor is so wild and unexpected. Sometimes it borders on disgusting or being rather unconventional, but I think that’s what I love about it. It’s just so ridiculous I can’t help but laugh out loud when I read. You go places where other people don’t. Thanks for sharing your humor with us 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. Disgusting, yes. Probably. It’s when I let myself off the leash so to speak, that things just flow out – I keep it in if I think the shock value, or unexpectedness of it will translate to humour 🙂

      I’m glad you enjoy it!

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      Reply

  18. I play that “won the lottery” game in my head a lot and it usually starts out great…trips, maid, liposuction…but rapidly disintegrates as I see people I love avoiding me because they feel weird and people I hate sticking to me like my new best friend covered in crazy glue…they show up in my gold plated shower…Anyway, I’d like to win just enough to pay off my mortgage. I’d live off of my husbands wage (because he defines himself by his job and would never quit) and I’d work part time instead of full time to pay for all our trips…and may be some lipo…..

    Liked by 1 person

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