Why Do Men Have to Use Urinals?! (Video Request)

Why is it that it is okay for men to pee in a pot with an audience, but not for ladies? Well, it’s certainly a pretty weird issue…but a one I was glad to delve into (eww)…

What do you think? Don’t be a shy bladder – get involved with the gross debate!

Oh, and if you have a video request you can leave a comment, or send me an email – if it’s a cool/interesting idea then I will get to it as soon as I can!

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A Smelly Trump

Something strange is happening in American politics, something that seems to go against all reason and common sense…it’s being dubbed as “The Trump Surge” – which is just as handy as there are many similarities between Donald Trump and flatulence; namely that they are both entirely unwanted but still stink up a room whenever they’re introduced.

But although the old beaver-flap haired fella is awful, his apparent popularity says more about the climate of discontent than it does about the man himself…I mean if people are giving him a pass how bad must the other guys be in comparison, right? You see the problem with Donald Trump is simple and clear – it’s Donald Trump. But for the most part the other contenders come off as career politicians who are in it for themselves, and consequently cannot be trusted…they’ll back any cause, or make any promises just to get votes…all in the hope that they can repay the donations from billionaire elites with hushed deals and secret handshakes once in office – after all it is those figures who hold the true (and very scary) global power.

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So consequently as people become more aware of how strong a grip banks and big business possess they are gravitating away from the typical slick snake-tongued politicians and towards average-Joe ‘truth tellers’; by which I mean people who they feel represent themselves and tell it like it is, rather than just saying what they think the electorate want to hear. The same can be said about the rise of Jeremy Corbyn within the realms of British politics, who is seeking to completely flip the miserable script of austerity in the hope of something new for the UK – and although he is not everyone’s cup of tea, he has gained support in unprecedented numbers, especially among the young and disenfranchised…all because people consider him to be not just another lizard robot politician-puppet.

(Little side-note…haven’t you wondered why world leaders take so many holidays? Well it’s because they’re cold-blooded and NEED to bask in the sun for warmth. And again, have you ever witnessed David Cameron, or Barack Obama eat flies? No you haven’t – and why is that? Because they’re ultra-careful not to be caught so people don’t find out the hideous reptilian truth! OPEN YOUR EYES PEOPLE! THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE!)

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Ahem, anyway…what we have with Trump is hardly comparable to Corbyn (I was trying to be nice, and balanced – but screw it), you see instead of good common sense we have a typical offensive uncle-type spouting bigotry at whatever function he has been invited to. Except it’s not just your cousin’s wedding reception this time around…it’s the world, the global stage, and literally everyone has to hear all he has to say. Whether it be about Mexican immigrants being murderers and rapists, or women and their menstrual cycles, there is no topic that is off limits – so it’s less of a case of ‘I wonder if he will say anything controversial?’ and more just ‘what will he come out with this time?’ Because where other candidates would tip-toe Trump stomps through with enormous muddy boots on…not giving any real consideration or care about whatever vile babble comes out of his mouth, or who he tramples all over in his seemingly self-destructive speeches.

But despite this rather heinous resume of public speaking hiccups Trump still has everything to gain and nothing to lose. He won’t win, he won’t ever become president…but as strange as it sounds that’s not really his aim. He is joining the likes of Sarah Palin, and Hermain Cain who are simply using the process as a platform for attention and have no intention of ever getting into office – largely because they are not running out of political desperation but out of an ego-maniacal attempt to boost their own image and brand. (All funded by gullible people’s donations may I add.)

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However the fact that his ridiculous pantomime of a candidacy appears to be gaining steam and momentum remains really quite worrying – as it suggests a large section of the Republican party are so desperate for someone who isn’t Barack Obama that they feel only an extreme right wing political zealot will suffice…that someone who is deliberately oblivious to obvious problems is the man for the job…that a person who would openly suggest he feels the US police need more power in the wake of such overbearingly horrendous examples of corruption and terror is a person who should be an actual potential president of the United States of America…

…it’s bonkers to me, but what this whole charade unveils for me is one truth; that not all Republicans are racists – but most racists are Republican.

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No God, No Good?

First in the new debate series – here we hear a story from the lovely Linda Bethea (thanks Linda!), and later I discuss religion, morality, and…probably a few other things. Hope you enjoy it. 

Opinions are obviously more than welcome, I expect this issue to be a little bit more controversial than say…the time some leeches attacked me in Nepal, or a Chinese guy looking at me weird in a bathroom – but that’s not a bad thing, it’s healthy to have discussions. I’d love to learn something new. 

If you have a video request you can leave a comment, or send me an email – if it’s a cool/interesting idea then I will get to it as soon as I can!

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Please buy my collection of stories! Get it in paperback here – or on Kindle here! ALL proceeds go towards Macmillan Cancer Support!

Existential Spices

As humans I think it’s pretty normal to ponder our own existence…although I often like to believe I am one of the elite few who is really thinking about it, that everyone else is just passing through, experiencing things at face value – and that basically I am some sort of superior brain amongst a mass of morons. This is solely a luxury for my ego, and in truth is probably only half true…

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Arghhh fine, but keep it to yourself sister!

Anyway, what’s the meaning of life? Why are we here? What are we doing? You know, all of those “what’s the fucking point of it all?!” existential crisis type questions – are ones that plague our waking days, and pester our subconscious even when sleeping, because at the heart of things we know we’re just highly intelligent (hmm, sometimes) beasts, and the real innate purpose is just that of a really dreadful commander of an alien legion – “THE RACE HAS TO CONTINUE, WE MUST PROCREATE AND CONTINUE THE BLOODLINE! THE RACE MUST GO ON!” 

So when this rather carnal impulse meets our meddlesome overactive mind we become part of an ongoing battle for self-actualization and understanding…one which basically can never be won in the traditional “yeyyyy, I got a shiny medal and certificate!” kind of way…perhaps that’s why it feels so uncomfortable…we just have to pick a side, and stick with it…that’s literally it.

SO WHAT DO WE DO?!

Well, perhaps you head to religion for your purpose? And you essentially believe this is a humongous audition/amazingly well-orchestrated dress rehearsal for the spectacular afterlife? Where you get to hang out with all of your best friends, and family members (presumably you get to pick which ones make the grade), and spend your days eating whatever you like and never gaining unwanted weight. All the while being able to pick the brains of the most clued-in individual ever to exist; the creator man himself, God!

Sounds bloody perfect! So if that’s your belief and reason for living…then yeah, good for you! I can dig it!

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Praise him with the boogie!

Or do you venture into the romantic side of things…the spirituality of love for love’s sake? You know…the life is about being happy, and making others happy sort of thing. With this seems to come an acceptance that life is a horrifyingly complex and confusing state of being – and that one should basically just make the best of it. Because yeah, why not? After all why lose sleep over the complicated nature of the day to day when you can observe such fantastical beauty in your world; from the love of those who are dear to you, the laughter of children, and the possibility to add extra cheesy bacon bits to items of your choosing and much more! There is indisputably a lot to live for, and eventually die f…shhhhh no, let’s not mention that bit…no, no…

Then there’s the idea about immortality…why work out what it is to live, when I can never die?! Now, I’m not so much talking about actually living forever…although that would be great, and if anyone has a secret potion they’ve been working on I’d be a willing patient! But no…I am speaking of self-expression, creating a legacy that will succeed you long after your death. This may be through art, scientific discovery, politics, business…whatever really. Basically anything that inflates your ego and makes you feel a little less like a minute speck of nothingness in a vast and uncaring universe…bleak I know. But it is, what it is…

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Not a happy camper.

Yeah…and I guess the last option is to just check out altogether…but if you do that you are missing out on the potential joy and ecstasy that life can bring…as well as the harrowing lows which despite being awful, can in turn provide a deeper perspective and understanding of what it is to be alive, and what it is to be human…

I suppose, all we can do is look for ways to flavour and make the most of our life right nowafter all they say “variety is the spice of life”, and I believe it. You should seek out new passions, new friendships, new adventures, and new meaning…expand your mind, and open your heart. But errr…make sure you take it with pinch of salt, as none of us get out alive after all…* 

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~~~

Unless you have that immortality potion thing*, in which case EMAIL ME. Cheers in advance Dr. Controverso! 

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What is Bravery?

We’ve all heard about the Caitlyn Jenner situation…and if you haven’t then I can only assume you are deaf, dumb and blind, live under a rock, and are from a completely different planet altogether…

If that applies to you then I’m a little jealous about the space travel thing – but putting that aside, I’m sure the rest of us able-bodied earthlings will agree we have been well and truly flooded with the news story for the past week or so. It’s been everywhere. EVERYWHERE! 

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But listen, I’m certainly not looking to get into a debate about transvestites, transgenders, or any moral points regarding such a transition (who the fuck gives a shit about a stranger’s personal fucking decision?) – but what I am looking to open up is a discussion about bravery. What is bravery, and how does it differ from person to person?

You see ever since this story broke there have been a whole host of people bringing up stuff that they feel takes real bravery, and then comparing it with the life of Caitlyn Jenner. So you know there have been photos thrown up of war veterans, soldiers…historical figures, pioneers of social change…etc, etc – and then a few words about how their actions takes true courage and bravery, and in turn Caitlyn’s is basically bullshit.

I find this a little silly, because why are we suddenly turning this into a competition? Why do we have to disgrace one, in order to praise the other? You see, the truth is bravery comes in all shapes and sizes…and just like everyone, I have my own definition of true courage

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True courage to me can be witnessed every day, with your average everyday folks…true courage is warming up that chicken the next day for lunch when you know it may give you a funny stomach…true courage is sitting through Braveheart and not being in tears when the “FREEEEDOMMM!” bit comes on…true courage is that person you see singing and dancing in public with their earphones in…true courage is when someone with my complexion goes out in the searing sun with lotion any lower than factor 50…true courage is going outside when you called in “sick” for work! And so on, and so on! 

But fortunately this is just my opinion, so I won’t be forcing it as a rigid definition of bravery onto other people. I invite others to adopt the same approach…after all, it’s a lot less dickheadish. Think about it, we don’t do that for other definitions because they are so clearly subjective, rather than objective, that’s why you don’t really hear things like this; “ohhh you think that fried chicken is delicious?! Pftttt…that’s not delicious at all, this pizza is truly delicious” ERRRR, OKAY. “hahaha,you think you are truly happy with your new husband?! That’s not happiness, look at me in this photo – that’s true happiness, look at that smile!” ERRRR, YEAH OKAY. “Ahhh you think you are having fun at this party? You’re not having fun in the slightest, look at me I’m dancing on the table and waving my junk around.” PLEASE STOP, I – “You seriously think you’re weird?! That’s not being weird – this is weird…watch me lick this lamppost, kiss that stranger’s dog – and do a nude handstand in front of that police officer!” 

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Just consider it – not everything has to be compared and contrasted, not everything has to be in place to divide another. Live, and let live, yeah?…cheers in advance my friend – you brave bastard you! 

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Please buy my collection of stories! Get it in paperback here – or on Kindle here! ALL proceeds go towards Macmillan Cancer Support!