The Offensive Nature of Being Offended

Have you ever being offended by something? I’m certain you have…but what happened exactly? What did someone say to rile you up so badly? What was it that they did that struck a nerve, and had you seeing red?

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Perhaps you looked something like this.

I’d guess there was something personal and dear to you – that a person took upon themselves to disrespect and desecrate…and you consequently felt a certain type of way about it, or “massively pissed off” as it is also sometimes known…

In fact I am sure there are many situations that would personally have you raging…but for the sake of an example here is one (hypothetical) scenario that should be a one size fits all…are you ready? Okay then…

…so let’s just imagine I grope your (INSERT LOVED ONE)’s behind, before pushing him/her down a steep hill whilst strapped into a wheelchair with no brakes…then I get all up in your face, even though I haven’t brushed my teeth in ages, and block your way whilst shouting something like;

“…your (INSERT LOVED ONE) is so stupid that he/she eats urinal cakes from public bathrooms on a daily basis as a treat, and the weird thing is he/she actually likes the taste because his/her taste-buds are all fucked up from years ,and years, and years of drinking nothing but bleach because he/she fell in love with Mr. Muscle one hazy drunken night way back when, and wanted to be really clean for him…” 

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Well, how would you feel? (After you ran down the hill to stop your (INSERT LOVED ONE) from colliding with traffic, of course!)

…probably a smidge annoyed I’d reckon. Well sure, it’s perfectly natural – I have just came at you directly with an unbridled level of offense, not only through insults, but most importantly actual physical danger to a person you cherish above all others. Now you want to wring my neck, and/or stomp on my head for hours – or at least until you get too sweaty and have to go home to take a shower. And hey, that’s totally normal! I mean you’re going to prison, sure…but it was a typical reaction, so for now; relax and enjoy the soothing memory!

The problem I have is not with that, but that the meaning of being “offended”, has been bludgeoned into a whole different shape, and now represents a completely foreign paradigm.  Where it was once something reserved for tarring the most unthinkable actions, it’s now usually just people sitting at home voicing their personal opinion on something…it’s not being “offended” at all – simply put it’s just not liking something! Except that doesn’t sound dramatically charged enough, and won’t catch anyone’s attention on or offline…“offended” however, oh yes! That’s the secret password in this day and age! Being offended will have everyone looking! Let’s go with that!

And for some reason…we do listen – primarily because we are given no choice in the matter. Just think about all of those times we hear news stories of how many letters of complaints certain TV programmes receive, as if it even matters…and then inevitably the media proceeds to blow it up to an insane proportion and ultimately someone has to pretend they’re sorry and make a public apology. I mean, it’s just absolute lunacy of the highest order to think that people’s personal opinions are being reported as actual news, rather than say – breaking news storiesyou know, commentary on horrendous wars our governments have embroiled us in, updates on some terrifying natural disaster, or even a feel-good piece about a really friendly donkey who thinks he’s a dog…stuff like that, quality actual-actual news…but no, what do we hear instead? A whole segment of tedious spiel from a sub-group of a sub-group about how horrified they personally were by an episode of South Park, or Nicki Minaj’s ass, or whatever the hell else they have decided to take issue with at any given time.

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GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Side note: it’s clearly asking way too much for people to just not watch something if they don’t like it, and instead change the channel to something they do – that would obviously be way too exhausting.

Personal taste should be just that; personal. But that’s not the world we live in anymore, instead these windbags rant and rave, because other people (aka the majority) disagree with their own preferences – so it’s all, you don’t think the same as me so you’re therefore wrong! That kind of schtick. So all of these people are branded ignorant of course, and it’s only the offended minority who are seen to be thinking correctly – after all, they’re special little snowflakes and the entire world revolves around them, don’t forget that! That’s why millions can love something, but a few hundred can pen letters and they get all the power. I mean why else would that happen? (COUGH COUGH, BULLSHIT SENSATIONALIST MEDIA!)

To be more specific, in the case of comedy  these so called offended people are normally too bloody dull to even understand the joke or comedian they have taken a disliking to – normally because they can only see the humour on one level…and because of this they easily miss the deep-rooted layered meaning that the act was trying to make. More often than not this is pointing out societal and cultural flaws that can be found in our everyday lives…and by taking on these roles in a dramatically exaggerated manner it pushes it from the shadows and into the forefront, basically saying something like: “see how fucked up this shit is? This is our every day truth – and it’s messed up, let’s try and not make these mistakes.” 

In no way is the comedian instructing people to be racist, sexist, or anything else. (And if they are they don’t get my vote, may I suggest a shotgun rather than a complaint letter next time? Thanks.) 

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…I have spoken. Please no letters about me though, I’m not a fan of those. 

Anyway, I’ll close with these words from an ever so slightly greater mind than myself; Stephen Fry:

“It’s now very common to hear people say, ‘I’m rather offended by that.’ As if that gives them certain rights. It’s actually nothing more… than a whine. ‘I find that offensive.’ It has no meaning; it has no purpose; it has no reason to be respected as a phrase. ‘I am offended by that.’ Well, so fucking what?”

Couldn’t have said it better myself – which is why I let him do the talking! But what do you think? Is there anything that should be off limits? Let me know, I’f love to hear your opinion!

p.s. if your opinion doesn’t match with mine, then you are wrong. Simple as that. 

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Existential Spices

As humans I think it’s pretty normal to ponder our own existence…although I often like to believe I am one of the elite few who is really thinking about it, that everyone else is just passing through, experiencing things at face value – and that basically I am some sort of superior brain amongst a mass of morons. This is solely a luxury for my ego, and in truth is probably only half true…

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Arghhh fine, but keep it to yourself sister!

Anyway, what’s the meaning of life? Why are we here? What are we doing? You know, all of those “what’s the fucking point of it all?!” existential crisis type questions – are ones that plague our waking days, and pester our subconscious even when sleeping, because at the heart of things we know we’re just highly intelligent (hmm, sometimes) beasts, and the real innate purpose is just that of a really dreadful commander of an alien legion – “THE RACE HAS TO CONTINUE, WE MUST PROCREATE AND CONTINUE THE BLOODLINE! THE RACE MUST GO ON!” 

So when this rather carnal impulse meets our meddlesome overactive mind we become part of an ongoing battle for self-actualization and understanding…one which basically can never be won in the traditional “yeyyyy, I got a shiny medal and certificate!” kind of way…perhaps that’s why it feels so uncomfortable…we just have to pick a side, and stick with it…that’s literally it.

SO WHAT DO WE DO?!

Well, perhaps you head to religion for your purpose? And you essentially believe this is a humongous audition/amazingly well-orchestrated dress rehearsal for the spectacular afterlife? Where you get to hang out with all of your best friends, and family members (presumably you get to pick which ones make the grade), and spend your days eating whatever you like and never gaining unwanted weight. All the while being able to pick the brains of the most clued-in individual ever to exist; the creator man himself, God!

Sounds bloody perfect! So if that’s your belief and reason for living…then yeah, good for you! I can dig it!

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Praise him with the boogie!

Or do you venture into the romantic side of things…the spirituality of love for love’s sake? You know…the life is about being happy, and making others happy sort of thing. With this seems to come an acceptance that life is a horrifyingly complex and confusing state of being – and that one should basically just make the best of it. Because yeah, why not? After all why lose sleep over the complicated nature of the day to day when you can observe such fantastical beauty in your world; from the love of those who are dear to you, the laughter of children, and the possibility to add extra cheesy bacon bits to items of your choosing and much more! There is indisputably a lot to live for, and eventually die f…shhhhh no, let’s not mention that bit…no, no…

Then there’s the idea about immortality…why work out what it is to live, when I can never die?! Now, I’m not so much talking about actually living forever…although that would be great, and if anyone has a secret potion they’ve been working on I’d be a willing patient! But no…I am speaking of self-expression, creating a legacy that will succeed you long after your death. This may be through art, scientific discovery, politics, business…whatever really. Basically anything that inflates your ego and makes you feel a little less like a minute speck of nothingness in a vast and uncaring universe…bleak I know. But it is, what it is…

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Not a happy camper.

Yeah…and I guess the last option is to just check out altogether…but if you do that you are missing out on the potential joy and ecstasy that life can bring…as well as the harrowing lows which despite being awful, can in turn provide a deeper perspective and understanding of what it is to be alive, and what it is to be human…

I suppose, all we can do is look for ways to flavour and make the most of our life right nowafter all they say “variety is the spice of life”, and I believe it. You should seek out new passions, new friendships, new adventures, and new meaning…expand your mind, and open your heart. But errr…make sure you take it with pinch of salt, as none of us get out alive after all…* 

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~~~

Unless you have that immortality potion thing*, in which case EMAIL ME. Cheers in advance Dr. Controverso! 

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The Facebook You

Thanks to the dear old internet we all know and love, we live a rather strange and abstract state of being. A one filled with more tricks than the mightiest of magicians. And just like the illusionist we are constantly revealing only select parts of ourselves, but refusing to show the whole thing to anyone…for fear we are unveiled as a fraud. Someone who won’t be accepted. Someone who won’t be loved…

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But despite this people are often told “just be yourself!” – which is all well and good…but what if we suck? What if we truly act in ways that are in line with our true nature…and people reject us for it? What then? Just keep going on that path of loneliness till we die?

That’s our internal voice speaking…and in the age of the internet it is louder than ever, and moreover is listened to a lot more too. So to combat this we crop, cut, and reorder our life…selecting only the best parts of our existence to share with the rest of the world – and stifling the rest. Praying it’ll never be made public! I mean the shame of it all if someone found out something awful…

…like not giving two shits about fucking cute kitten videos.

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People should just be honest – if you hate the sound of  babies laughing, and enjoy chewing on your hair…just state it! No one will think you are weird, I promise!

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Please buy my collection of stories! Get it in paperback here – or on Kindle here! ALL proceeds go towards Macmillan Cancer Support!

Justin Bieber – Comedy Roast! (RANT)

How do people feel about the Justin Bieber, comedy roast thing?

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Please buy my collection of stories! Get it in paperback here – or on Kindle here! ALL proceeds go towards Macmillan Cancer Support!

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