What Childhood Movies Taught Me…

I’ve been having myself a good old nostalgia fest today – thinking back to some of the best films I loved during my childhood (and still do!)  I suppose I didn’t realise it then…but a lot of the films were teaching me valuable lessons on life – and in many ways I owe everything I am now, to them! Here are ten of the most poignant philosophies that I, and millions of others were taught ~

1. “That breakfast food is the best – and there is no such thing as too much…”

(Uncle Buck)

Buck GIF

  • This lesson in particular, has held true all of my life. Although I am yet to use a snow shovel to make humongous pancakes – it is definitely on my bucket list.

2. “That they don’t sell human eyeballs in supermarkets…”

(Jumanji)

Jumanji Sale GIF

  •  Just in case they were ever on your grocery list. Also we learned that not all board games, make you bored – as the name may suggest. Obviously having Robin Williams present helps massively.

3. “That everyone always appreciates hip actions, winking, and pointing…”

(Toy Story)

Teeth GIF

  •  Having killer boots also helps. There’s just something about the sleazy wink that sends people wild with lust! In my experience, so wild they evacuate the building immediately.

4. “That you should go to great lengths to keep your special areas clean.”

(The Lion King)

Lion King GIF

  •  Cleanliness is next to godliness. Enlist a friend, or trusted person for those hard to reach places.

5. “That electrocuting dead people doesn’t bring them back – but crying does…” 

(Pokémon: The First Movie)

Pikachu Electro GIF

  •  This is obviously one of those practice makes perfect things, because so far it’s not working for me…I’ll stick at it though. I’m sure the magic Pokémon tears will come soon…

6. “That you should be distrustful of every single old lady…”

(The Witches)

Distrust GIF

  •  Especially ones with demonic purple eyes, huge claws – and a tendency to try and murder every single child they come across. The more lovely, and doting they appear…the more likely they are to have a penchant for incineration. Be careful, kids.

7. “That if your friends are unhappy, hit them with things until they’re not…”

(Drop Dead Fred)

Happy Drop GIF

  •  I haven’t had a 100% success rate with this one. Closer to 0% actually – but I’m not one to give up…she was happy-ish at the end of the film, so perhaps it takes a while to take effect.

8. “That it’s okay to set people on fire…”

(Home Alone)

Fire Alone GIF

  •  If you do it with a little cheeky smile that is. Don’t worry about the hideous life-long scars, and the medical bills. That’s not your problem…just keep thinking of new ways to torture people. They deserve it. Probably…

9. “That the world is your gym – you just have to get creative…”

(Matilda)

Gym GIF

  •  Also, another side point…it’s never to late to pick up some of your own hobbies. Perhaps consider having another person with you, the company certainly makes it more fun!

10. “That sometimes people won’t agree with your fashion choices…

(Space Jam)

Space Bill GIF

  • But despite all that Bill Murray will always be there to save the day. Oh, and that Michael Jordan’s Secret Stuff is good for you; so drink up – however this is not to be confused with Michael Jackson’s secret, Jesus Juice.

Well that’s all folks! Happy to be your daily dose of nostalgia today! Did I miss any vital ones? If so, let me know…perhaps I missed the message the first time around…

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A Hollow Halloween

Well guys I was waiting till the shame subsided…but it doesn’t look like it will any time soon…so I am going to go ahead and tell you what happened to me during Halloween of this year!

I didn’t go all out – not in the slightest in fact, however last year I did, I picked up a fake muscular chest-piece thingy, and a red martial arts costume…styled my hair in a crazy way, and really put my all into the persona! I was Paul Phoenix from the Tekken series. But no one, not even a singular human, realized this. Instead they thought I was some guy from Dragonball Z, and in the end I just agreed with them – despite having never really watched that cartoon…

Halloween

Here I am, with my deer friend, Ann

(Halloween 2013)

I had a few ideas this year…but before I knew it, the night was upon us! And I had nothing, repeat – NOTHING! So what did I do? Well took to Google of course! He is my companion through all walks of life…guiding me, and filling in my major gaps in knowledge that I possess in just about every subject. So I typed in something like…easy men’s Halloween costumes…I wasn’t impressed, they looked shit for one, but also they took a lot of work – I was looking for something that I could just out together in the house, out of like…foil…and…toilet paper…something that was at hand, and didn’t take effort basically. So I tried…very, very easy men’s Halloween costume…I stared at it, and added…last minute.

The search brought up quite a few positive results. Mainly jokey ones, that played on puns – which is basically saying; “yeah, I made no effort – but that’s what I was going for…so leave me alone…”

Mistake Shit GIF

I had gave some thought to going as Two-Face from Batman…you know, like draw all over one side of my cheek – and perhaps pat flour onto one half of a suit…but then that would surely ruin a suit, right? Nerrrr, pass on that! That’s when an image of Jim Halpert, from The Office popped up on my screen…it was from one of the Halloween episodes, in this one he had written BOOK across his face – so he could say that he had came as Facebook! I thought – YES! That is shit, but funny enough to get me off the hook! I would wear clothes similar to his, so that it worked on two levels…perhaps at the party some people would want to have a conversation about which version we prefer, and blah blah blah…it’s basically a conversation starter! What a great idea! Thanks Jim, you old dog, you!

So I was all dressed up, in a business-ish suit – a la Jim Halpert – and reached for a huge marker pen so I could etch out the giant letters across my face…it suddenly felt like it was a stupid idea, but not like haha stupid – more just plain moronic. I went for it anyway.  The first thick black line looked awful…but I thought it would get better…I carried on until I was staring at myself in the mirror…argh…KOOB…huh? So FaceKOOB?! I’d went, and done it the wrong way around…so had to scrub, and scrub, and scrub my sensitive skin until the PERMANENT (oops!) marker decided to come off…

It really, really hurt…it took a lot of convincing, and left me with red-raw cheeks…

Crying Space Man GIF

Perhaps I could turn this around in my favor? Perhaps I could go as…errr…like Pikachu, or Santa Claus…or somebody else that has red cheeks…hmm…

I decided I needed to commit – don’t get excited, I mean commit to the characternot…you know. Although to be honest rolling up in this state would be definite social suicide. Whatever, Who cares? I drew BOOK onto my burning face, and then bounced out of the door before I changed my mind.

At the bus stop I wondered why I had drawn all over my face, when I could have easily just brought the pen with me, and did it all last second. I could have just been a guy in a suit, just trying to go a place – no questions asked…but instead I was the weirdo attracting stares from the entire population of the town.I looked back at them, and nodded…tried an awkward smile, but their faces curled, and contorted as they tried to make sense of what was going on.  I lasted about fifteen minutes, which took a lot – but finally broke…I turned away, walked into a dark corner…and began licking my hand, and scrubbing relentlessly at my cheeks…then checking the reflection of my phone…then more saliva…more scrubbing…phone…then saliva…scrub…phone…saliva…cuffs of my jacket…phone

I seriously hate scrubbing, I don’t think I’ll ever scrub a day in my life again.

Scrub GIF

Unsurprisingly the stares still continued. I got on the bus, and made use of the window’s reflection to perfect my makeover back to my…err, natural look. I didn’t really care much that my cheeks looked like rashers of bacon, after all at social functions I always go red anyway…it’s just so embarrassing meeting people, and telling them about how saliva has been a key part of your night so far. Well, maybe I should just no say anything about that – but you know…I WILL. 

I took a deep breath, and walked through the door.

Fortunately my old friend Tequila was there too…so the night turned out better than expected…I just let people come up to me, and guess what I was – whatever they said was correct. Best thing was most thought I had made a real effort…I suppose in a manner of speaking I had been through a lot of trouble!

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Banksy-man

The internet was going crazy for a second, due to a rumor stating the infamous artist Banksy, had been stripped of his mysterious guise by the uncaring English police force.  Well I will admit, they got me too. And before I heard it was false, I was crazily infuriated…so much so, I haphazardly threw out some rather condemning comments – only to be told it was a hoax…naturally, I then shriveled into a ball, shrank back into my cave – to curse myself for being so damn stupid. 

Pikachu Slap GIF

 But what was it about this (false) news that angered me so? I had to think about that for a second…but after a little bit of time I recognised this – that I believe it is to do with what he represents, he stands for something – and could be anyone…isn’t that a wonderful thing? In a world that heralds celebrity individuals, who are desperate to cash in, and use any pull they have to generate income…he stands alone. A bit like the idea behind imaginary superheroes like Spiderman, or Batman…they are a symbol, a symbol that could be represented by anyone.

Probably not me…I mean, I doubt I would look good in spandex, it would look embarrassing…particularly around the groin-ish area…but you get my point. 

Danger GIF

A good friend of mine who is an artist, posted this in reaction: “This has actually made me quite emotional. I spent my whole life up to now admiring the mystery behind my all time favourite graffiti artist, Banksy. And now… Well now the government have just taken that away like they do anything that is ‘good and free’ – gutted!” Well thankfully it wasn’t true – and long may he continue with his artistry, and social critique!

What do you think? Were you fooled? Lemme know my potential crime fighter friends! And make sure you like the page at facebook.com/storytimewithjohn for more posts!

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