How to NOT do Halloween Make-Up!

So I tried to follow one of those ‘How To Do Halloween Make-Up!’ things…and well, it didn’t work out great…it wasn’t as easy as they tried to make it seem – BELIEVE ME! Check this out for proof, I’m sorry in advance…

Oh, and if you have a video request you can leave a comment, or send me an email – if it’s a cool/interesting idea then I will get to it as soon as I can!

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Please buy my collection of stories! Get it in paperback here – or on Kindle here! ALL proceeds go towards Macmillan Cancer Support!

What’s the Point? (Existential Crisis)

Life. We slave away at jobs we don’t care about, or chase dreams that only ourselves can ever truly be invested in…and for what? I mean it doesn’t really matter, any of it – apart from for selfish reasons which in their very essence are dumb and somewhat childlike; they’re all – “I WANT THIS…I WANT TO BE THIS…I WANT TO GO HERE” as we kick our feet, and throw our metaphorical toys out of the pram hoping God, fate, or the universe will cut us a break.

Begging GIF

Okay, but gimme a nice house and a few human beings who think I’m great…

But the fact is I could get ran over by a bus tomorrow – POOF! Gone. Well…not really ‘POOF’ it’s not a magic trick…there would be a lot more moaning, screaming, and guts as opposed to wizardy and showmanship, but still; there would be a brief moment and then I would be no more. People would be all sad for a bit, and then life would roll on. And in the larger scheme of the universe nothing would have happened at all! You see let’s be honest, the Moon would look the other way, the sun wouldn’t care, and Pluto wouldn’t even hear about it! The self-serving bastards…urgh…

So what’s the answer to this depressing situation? Well I’ve googled it and there isn’t a real one, so apologies in advance. Instead all we can do is black it all out with drink, drugs, and/or knitting…well actually just whatever activity it takes to provide an internal padded room that dampens the “YOUR LIFE DOES NOT MATTER AT ALL” screams that can be heard with every waking second of your existence…

Peanut Butter GIF

Actually I’ve looked for peanut butter in Korea and couldn’t find it…so there’s yet another reason to wallow in self-pity.

Anyway, I’m just joshing…sort of. Well not really, all I have said so far is sadly true – but the miserable tone is not, as there is a lot to live for. Yourself for one, and for the ones who love you, and the others who you haven’t even met yet. You can enrich each other’s pathetically bleak window of existence and make the whole horrid thing that little bit easier to bear! Great right? Don’t you just feel like moon-walking on a rainbow right now?!

Sigh. Well, maybe not, but I’m not going to let a little negativity (well, a black hole of depression if I was being honest) stop me…despite the fact I know it’s vain, utterly pointless, and that Pluto doesn’t give a shit I am going to still have my own dreams, and spend each day working towards achieving them. If for no other reason than to retain a shred of sanity at the enormity of it all…

SO TAKE THAT PLUTO! I DON’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU EITHER! 

(Unless you grant wishes, in which case I take it all back and let’s meet for coffee sometime soon?)

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Please buy my collection of stories! Get it in paperback here – or on Kindle here! ALL proceeds go towards Macmillan Cancer Support!

The Psycho Stalker…

Some stories write themselves…and some take years, and years…well this particular one has been waiting in the drafts for a long, long time. Every time I went back to it I just couldn’t find the words, I couldn’t express all of the oddness, craziness, and horror on the page! I came close, but it didn’t ever seem quite right… 

So at long last it is done! But in the form of a video – seriously the funniest one so far, and well worth a watch! If people need a giggle…and also a way to not fall asleep at night (sorry in advance for the impending nightmares!) then press that play button!

How would you have dealt with this one? Remember I don’t know kung fu, so that’s out the window…

If you have a video request you can leave a comment, or send me an email – if it’s a cool/interesting idea then I will get to it as soon as I can!

www.facebook.com/storytimewithjohn

www.youtube.com/storytimewithjohn101

Please buy my collection of stories! Get it in paperback here – or on Kindle here! ALL proceeds go towards Macmillan Cancer Support!

A Hollow Halloween

Well guys I was waiting till the shame subsided…but it doesn’t look like it will any time soon…so I am going to go ahead and tell you what happened to me during Halloween of this year!

I didn’t go all out – not in the slightest in fact, however last year I did, I picked up a fake muscular chest-piece thingy, and a red martial arts costume…styled my hair in a crazy way, and really put my all into the persona! I was Paul Phoenix from the Tekken series. But no one, not even a singular human, realized this. Instead they thought I was some guy from Dragonball Z, and in the end I just agreed with them – despite having never really watched that cartoon…

Halloween

Here I am, with my deer friend, Ann

(Halloween 2013)

I had a few ideas this year…but before I knew it, the night was upon us! And I had nothing, repeat – NOTHING! So what did I do? Well took to Google of course! He is my companion through all walks of life…guiding me, and filling in my major gaps in knowledge that I possess in just about every subject. So I typed in something like…easy men’s Halloween costumes…I wasn’t impressed, they looked shit for one, but also they took a lot of work – I was looking for something that I could just out together in the house, out of like…foil…and…toilet paper…something that was at hand, and didn’t take effort basically. So I tried…very, very easy men’s Halloween costume…I stared at it, and added…last minute.

The search brought up quite a few positive results. Mainly jokey ones, that played on puns – which is basically saying; “yeah, I made no effort – but that’s what I was going for…so leave me alone…”

Mistake Shit GIF

I had gave some thought to going as Two-Face from Batman…you know, like draw all over one side of my cheek – and perhaps pat flour onto one half of a suit…but then that would surely ruin a suit, right? Nerrrr, pass on that! That’s when an image of Jim Halpert, from The Office popped up on my screen…it was from one of the Halloween episodes, in this one he had written BOOK across his face – so he could say that he had came as Facebook! I thought – YES! That is shit, but funny enough to get me off the hook! I would wear clothes similar to his, so that it worked on two levels…perhaps at the party some people would want to have a conversation about which version we prefer, and blah blah blah…it’s basically a conversation starter! What a great idea! Thanks Jim, you old dog, you!

So I was all dressed up, in a business-ish suit – a la Jim Halpert – and reached for a huge marker pen so I could etch out the giant letters across my face…it suddenly felt like it was a stupid idea, but not like haha stupid – more just plain moronic. I went for it anyway.  The first thick black line looked awful…but I thought it would get better…I carried on until I was staring at myself in the mirror…argh…KOOB…huh? So FaceKOOB?! I’d went, and done it the wrong way around…so had to scrub, and scrub, and scrub my sensitive skin until the PERMANENT (oops!) marker decided to come off…

It really, really hurt…it took a lot of convincing, and left me with red-raw cheeks…

Crying Space Man GIF

Perhaps I could turn this around in my favor? Perhaps I could go as…errr…like Pikachu, or Santa Claus…or somebody else that has red cheeks…hmm…

I decided I needed to commit – don’t get excited, I mean commit to the characternot…you know. Although to be honest rolling up in this state would be definite social suicide. Whatever, Who cares? I drew BOOK onto my burning face, and then bounced out of the door before I changed my mind.

At the bus stop I wondered why I had drawn all over my face, when I could have easily just brought the pen with me, and did it all last second. I could have just been a guy in a suit, just trying to go a place – no questions asked…but instead I was the weirdo attracting stares from the entire population of the town.I looked back at them, and nodded…tried an awkward smile, but their faces curled, and contorted as they tried to make sense of what was going on.  I lasted about fifteen minutes, which took a lot – but finally broke…I turned away, walked into a dark corner…and began licking my hand, and scrubbing relentlessly at my cheeks…then checking the reflection of my phone…then more saliva…more scrubbing…phone…then saliva…scrub…phone…saliva…cuffs of my jacket…phone

I seriously hate scrubbing, I don’t think I’ll ever scrub a day in my life again.

Scrub GIF

Unsurprisingly the stares still continued. I got on the bus, and made use of the window’s reflection to perfect my makeover back to my…err, natural look. I didn’t really care much that my cheeks looked like rashers of bacon, after all at social functions I always go red anyway…it’s just so embarrassing meeting people, and telling them about how saliva has been a key part of your night so far. Well, maybe I should just no say anything about that – but you know…I WILL. 

I took a deep breath, and walked through the door.

Fortunately my old friend Tequila was there too…so the night turned out better than expected…I just let people come up to me, and guess what I was – whatever they said was correct. Best thing was most thought I had made a real effort…I suppose in a manner of speaking I had been through a lot of trouble!

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