Posted on by Storytime with John

NEVER try to reason with kids…

Just a quick one here, but do please tell me what you would do in this situation.

You see today one of the kids made it his aim to bite my bottom at all costs…like, he wasn’t going to let anything get in his way until my butt cheeks were shredded to pieces and bleeding profusely (not that it matters or anything, but I was wearing white so this would have been an issue)…anyway, yeah – not sure if this kid hadn’t had breakfast or if he had just watched Jaws, but either way he just wouldn’t stop! And I wasn’t really sure what I was supposed to do…like do I just let him do it till he gets bored…or do I make him a sandwich? Like seriously…

He’s one of those huge, how the hell are you only six kinds of kids – I am not sure what his Mother feeds him, but if I had to guess it would be probably be something like; steroids, Miracle-Gro and elephant meat. Anyway…with that said, he is six, so restraining him was still not much of a challenge, even for a skinny guy like me. Problem was that when I put him in a corner by himself, he would start thumping himself on the head, over, and over, and over, and over…

“ALEX!”

THUMP “OW!” THUMP “OW!” THUMP “OW!”

“ALEX! STOP THAT YOU”LL-“

THUMP “OW!” THUMP –

I grabbed his wrists and began to try and explain…

“OKAY! That’s enough…you’ll hurt yourself Alex, you ca-“

“No…I am going to tell my Mom that you hit me…and that you wouldn’t stop…”

I saw that devilish glint, that horrid zeal, that evil genius, flash in his empty brown eyes.

“YOU DISGRACEFUL LITTLE FUCKING SHIT! YOU ARE GOING TO HELL!” I said (to myself), while smiling like a TelliTubbie,

“I’ll tell her tonight.” He smirked proudly.

 

Can you imagine that conversation?! haha, children really don’t think things through…

Image

Anyway, in other news today I was playing doctors with a couple of the kids and it just so happened one of them had heart problems (my specialty, luckily for her!) I did my usual thing, but unfortunately it didn’t seem to do the trick – I was told it had moved somewhere else…when I asked where she pointed to her butt hole, (oh the gross joys of kindergarten)…

“Yeah, we’re not playing this game anymore…”

“Why? Doctors can go there!”

“ERRRRRRRR…YEAH BUT PEOPLE…ERRRRRRR…”

“Come on, you’re a Doctor!”

“ERRRRR…YES, I AM, BUT…ERRR…WHO WANTS CANDY?!”

 “MEEEEEE! MEEEE! MEEEE!”

 

Phew…averted, for now…

 

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58 Replies to “NEVER try to reason with kids…”

      1. Ha!

        I happen to think teachers have just as much reason to wear scrubs as a nurses do.

        I mean, both professions serve people who have difficulty controlling bodily functions, and the odds of coming in contact with vomit, blood and jello are basically identical.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. My son does this sort of thing, occasionally. I refer to my technique for dealing with his behaviour as, “tickling into submission”. Just tickle the child until he SWEARS he won’t do it again, then tickle some more, then stop, and if he tries again, repeat until a satisfactory result is achieved. You can tickle kids you teach, right? ‘Cause if not… I got nothin’.

    Although farting sounds good, as well.

    Liked by 1 person

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      1. Interesting, indeed. Or dangerous. First you get accused of beating a child. Admittedly a demon child, but a child nonetheless.Then a little girl wants you to examine her bottom while you’re “playing doctor.” After which you offer her candy. I see a possibility for all sorts of illegal offenses here, John. 😉

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  8. Haha! Oh you poor thing! I guess when it comes to kids, candies always comes to the rescue… be it for the children or in your case, the teacher!

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    1. So true…often they ask “why are you eating chocolate? Why are you drinking coffee?” And I feel like saying “you’ll understand when you’re older!” haha

      But I don’t want to seem so ancient!

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  9. My cat tries to bite my butt when I’m sitting on the toilet…I know this doesn’t help your cause at all but still funny, right? 🙂 my mom used to say if someone bites you, bite him back, heehee

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      1. Yes, in fact once she bit me hard so I did bite her ear…but not hard, Just to teach her a lesson. She didn’t like it much either but the lesson was completely lost, hahaha.

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  10. Dude, this is hilarious!!!
    And props to you for wearing white around kids, I have trouble wearing white around adults!
    I love kids but, good grief, they can say/do some things that make you freeze up…
    It sounds to me like you handled things the way any rational person would: by using the persuasive power of candy! 🙂

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  12. I had a big closet in my class…In which there were toys!! If any my babies were all manner-less i used to lift them up and make them sit on the closet till they promise to behave and looking ta them others behaved 😉 !!!! Put him up on the fan lol!!!

    PS: I am not a devli, i was a very good teacher!! Just a way to teach lesson :p

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    1. Hmmmm, sounds extreme…but it may just work! These kids are extreme cases after all!

      The kid in question is pretty heavy though…I don’t want to be liable for any damages…actually I can bill you right? 😉

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  14. If I can’t keep white clean myself I certainly can’t trust it around kids, why is the colour white such a beacon to mess in general? It’s almost like nature rejects it’s blandness and strives to add colour to the otherwise blank canvas… it’s true white does go with everything… Bologna, crayon, mud, vomit, snotty noses and it is perfect with tomato sauce.
    Tell the kid that your butt has a curse on it and if anyone bites it their face turns into a butt and then anything they eat for the rest of their life will taste like poo. He’s 6 he’ll appreciate a good poo curse 🙂

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    Reply

    1. That’s certainly an interesting theory, hahaha! The smallest little red pasta sauce drip or ANYTHING shows up as if it is a giant splodge too, not fun – DAMN YOU NATURE. With that said, I think you are on to a winner there – anything poo related has a kid’s attention, like that is just a scientific fact/

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      1. That’s why I think that women wearing massive white dresses for their weddings is like tempting fate… 🙂
        Why is ‘poo’ such a magical thing for children? ‘Poo’ has serious power over kids! When my 2 year old nephew is having a tanty or is really upset all I have to do is say in a ‘I’m telling you a secret voice’, “Hey Hendrix, Hendrix…” I wait until he looks at me and then I whisper, “…poo!” It’s magic man! Way better than abracadabra! He stops and starts giggling… Best. Word. Ever! hahaha

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  19. yea, kids like this are always tricky. Likelihood that this child will remember that it happened by the time he gets home is very little. Littles like this want to get a rise out of you, so if you don’t give in, they’ll get frustrated and quit. Don’t drop you end of the rope (tug-of-war)!!! Pshh Kindergarteners 🙂

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  20. My Husband, Daryl, teaches special education at a private school in PA. He is currently dealing with NON-verbal autistic older kids. I know he’s had a good day when he greets me at the end of the day with a hug and asks, “do I smell like vomit or urine?” Ah… Kids. Thanks for the story.

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  21. Omg! Having raised three girls myself and shared in the raising of a boy…I usually refer to kids as alien life forms. Hahaha! This made me laugh so hard!!!

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