The Surf King

It may surprise you to hear that I actually detest the whole flying process, despite the fact that I do fly quite often. Everything from the treatment you get as part of a herd…shepherded through this little bit, then the next, then the next, all of these false obstacles designed to make you feel like you are making progress – so you are forced into this little desperate shuffle as you edge closer and closer to being able to sit down…you are regularly fondled under the guise that you may have a bomb or drugs lodged up your anus…and even when you get on the plane you are not safe! As there is the groin check, where the air hostess goes and basically stares at everybody’s crotch one by one…under the guise of “checking if you have your seatbelt on”, yeah right – I see through your LIES, you SICK, SICK WOMAN! Then there is the gross food, that you shovel down anyway like the immense waste of space you are – because, well…what else are you going to do on this flight that appears to have an estimated duration of ETERNITY.

But still I get on these tin cans in the sky, why oh why?!

Maybe it is a little bit like that stupid thing people (well, men), say to Mothers with more than one child…”Oh, well it can’t be that bad (when referring to pushing an entire human out of your vagina), you have done it three times – if it was so terrible, you would have surely stopped after the first!” It’s dumb because obviously the joy of producing a life beats the severe woes of one day. By the way I am SO HAPPY I don’t even have the option to go through that, moreover I think you are a massive asshole as a guy, if you don’t respect and acknowledge the fact of how easy we have it in that regard – I mean my Mother had five children…FIVE children – can you imagine that? Well I can’t. Which is great. I’m not showing off or anything, I just appreciate the hand I have been dealt.

Funny side story actually, last year I overheard two of my Korean kindergarten kids having a heated debate about this very issue…the little girl was arguing that “it is best to be a girl” as they don’t have to do mandatory military service…but the boy was arguing that “it is best to be a boy” as they don’t have to “push a baby out of your belly”. They asked me to weigh in as a judge, but I was at a loss. They assessed after some time that both were equally horrifying…two years military service and the whole childbirth thing, were about equal. Out of the mouth of babes…

I’ve only just realised that I am comparing dealing with airlines to child birth, which is not what I set out to say, I hope that doesn’t make me a terrible person – but whatever, here we are. Anyway, all I was meaning was that despite the terrors of air-plane travel – the eventual destination and series of wonderful experiences you will have, make you forget (ish…almost…not really).

Unfortunately on one of my recent flights something happened I won’t forget in a hurry. Out of nowhere, the plane started theatrically swaying from side to side…there was no polite “Ahhh, folks we are running into a spot of turbulence, nothing to worry about…” etc, etc…it was just unannounced carnage as the entire vehicle shook and threw itself every which way…my legs went numb with fright, I suddenly felt icy cold – I looked across to the air hostess…who was a man…so errr…air host? I don’t know…not important, anyway;I looked across at him for some form of comfort, perhaps some reassuring words, or maybe some herbal tea or something…anything…but to my absolute dismay I found him SURFING.

Surfing GIF

Well acting as if he was surfing, hands out stretched, catching the big fucking imaginary waves – the bastard might as well have been exclaiming “if it swells – ride it, DUUUUUDE!” – my entire body got pins and needles in response…we were going down and he was wanting a quick game of charades?! We were going to plunge to our fucking watery deaths and he was fucking playing around, this was the last fucking thing I was going to see – I was about to fucking die and –

Oh.

The plane balanced and everything became smooth again. He immediately stopped the act and returned to professional mode.

“Will there be anything from the trolley sir?”

“Oh, err…tea please.”

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43 thoughts on “The Surf King

  1. LOL, well said! I hate to fly. There’s just something about being treated like a sack of potatoes or a number or something. Or perhaps it’s the perpetual groping. Regardless, I find it all unpleasant. Now trains I love, even though they’re pretty much the same thing, just much slower. What can I say, it’s not rational, trains are simply romantic in a way airplanes are not.

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    • I couldnt have said it better myself! I hate it for that very reason! Trains…yes…are you inside my brain?! I took a number of high speed trains in Italy recently, great way to get around – far more comfortable and a wonderful way to see the country! 😀

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  2. Similar experience for me on a plane from Hong Kong. Except instead of looking at the flight attendant for comfort, I was hoping the elderly couple next to me would accept me as their adopted grandchild in the next few minutes before we plunged to our deaths…yeah, they weren’t having any of that -__- and I lived to tell the tale! So all’s well.

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  3. LOL! I went up in a DC 9 once, which is good for me, because they pulled all the DC 10’s off the shelf because of a tail rudder flaw caused by Mechanics taking short cuts, and they found 12 more in the same condition, and 3 of them had to crash that way, before they found out the problem! Flying? Maybe after I’m dead… Hopefully, they will have perfected flight a little more by then… Could be months! LOL! You know progress… It really does wait for no one.

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    • Oh my! That all sounds far too technical for my little brain – I can barely navigate the check in line!!!! haha, I do hope they advance things quickly though – I am all for teleporting…fingers crossed those science boffins have something planned!

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  4. I can imagine the way that air hostess was surfing… SO COOL yet SO ANNOYING!
    I have had a weird experience with cabin crew before on my holiday to Zante. I was calling for one of them to give me tea before I fell asleep and unfortunately I went to sleep… They only managed to IGNORE me and come once I was fast asleep. Yet again, it is so ANNOYING!

    Another was when I was on a plane back home and the captain said “We’ve gone past Gatwick.”
    HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?! 😀

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  5. As much flying as I have done I will admit very rarely do I “enjoy” the experience.

    Oddly enough my worst experience was also flying out of Hong Kong (referring to B&B in Brooklyn’s reply). I knew that a typhoon was coming and I have a great picture, taken from Victoria Peak’s, of the front smashing into the city. I was very shocked about an hour later that my plane was still indeed departing. Needless to say, taking off in a typhoon was a ghastly experience. One of the few times that I truly felt worried for the passenger in front of me getting some shrapnel from a serious bout of projectile vomiting.

    Travel Tip: (Street food + Luzhou Laojiao) * Turbulence = BAD, BAD Mojo

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  6. I loved flying as a kid and went to college to get my pilots license. Got the private and commercial licenses. And found it so boring that I never flew as a pilot again. But now, I’m terrified of flying and hate every little bump. Maybe it’s not being in control at all since I don’t like riding on the back of a jet ski when someone else is driving either. Oh well. I’m fine with car vacations.

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  7. i haven’t flown anywhere since 2007. the whole thing process skeeves me out anymore. the military was over 40 years ago so a bit of the rose tinted glasses thing there sort of, maybe. never had a kid but i’d probably do the military again so as not to.

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  8. tough dilemma about girl vs boy. I think Israel has got an answer to that – everyone does some sort of military service there, but only girls give birth. so once again boys get a better deal 😉

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  9. Pingback: The Surf King
  10. Started out with a laugh and ended up with goosebumps…
    I think I would have just fainted or wet myself if anything like that would happen during flight.
    Planes being shot out of the sky or just disappear…your worst nightmare
    Thank god you got there safe and sound!

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  11. I found a way round the airport security grope this weekend. Wear a pair of small swimming shorts. It’s a high risk strategy but the guard looked at them with such disgust he just waved me through. Warning – this costs huge dignity points.

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  12. The only reason we bounce back for a 2nd or 3rd is because the pain is forgotten immediately after childbirth, until once again we are on that table, legs in the air, then the swearing and cursing begins all over again 😉

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  13. I think your wave-riding air host is so funny & it would make a woman in labor chuckle, then breathe, then scream. Hopefully, the kids will come up with a way to end wars & no one will have to worry about that one. Thanks for visiting & so glad you enjoyed my post.

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  14. OMFG!!! Worst timing ever for me to read this seeing as I’m on a plane tomorrow 😀 Haha, your ears are going to be efin burning like red hot coals on fire because I’m going to be thinking about your story the ENTIRE trip. Good thing, I’m traveling interstate – but it is Australia 😉

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  15. Hahahaha, your stories are always so funny. I think I would have shit my pants if the plane started bouncing around like that and then I would have developed a good case of Turrets syndrome and told that host-ess to fuck off with the surfing already 😮

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  16. thanks for this humor – i needed it. just flew back from seattle to los angeles, but the first scheduled flight was delayed due to “mechanical problems” (now, do i want to know that?) but then the plane was serviced and was approved to fly at 25,000 feet only (now, do i want to know that, too – i mean, if it goes one mile higher will it explode or something?), and then that flight had to turn around due to the instrument control panel failing! and when we returned to the seattle airport the flight attendant said, “yay!, we landed safely” and the pilot said, “we have another plane for you. this one is an excellent plane.” by that time, i booked another flight and hoped the gods of flight would smile on me (which they did).

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  17. I’m imagining the flight attendant surfing the plane in as it lands on the water. You know the water landing wouldn’t go as smoothly without the amazing skills of said attendant! Great story.

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  18. ” regularly fondled under the guise that you may have a bomb or drugs lodged up your anus” — hahahaha this is darn funny,

    But I know how alarming it is during an Airplane Turbulence, it happened to me. As I was walking close to the loo, the sudden swing of the plane gave me a hefty shove and my face nearly hit the door. Was pretty scared that my mind just started thinking about plunging into the ocean and kaboom!

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  19. After some really insanely treacherous and turbulent flights (one of them over the Atlantic Ocean in the middle of the night), I still enjoy flying. I just hate, loathe, and despise airports and the “special” treatment given by the screeners.

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  20. I love to fly. Well, maybe as I age I downgrade that to “like”. The memory of every crash story does pop up occasionally as well as the new found problems associated with aging-stiffness and the fear of blood clots. And it never fails that the person sitting next to me is 50 pounds heavier than my already “stocky” frame and the battle for elbow room…and room for the lungs to expand fully is a long and exhausting one. You know you are crowded when you go to the plane BATHROOM for the joy of luxury space!

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