airplane – John Lee Taggart

July 31, 2015July 31, 2015

Adult Movies and Angry Stares

I think as an eternally awkward and embarrassed individual certain scenarios are made doubly worse and triply…trebly…erm – errrr…three times as dramatic as they should be. Phew, that was an ordeal in itself!

But I have somewhat come to terms with this fact and now consider myself to be a somewhat fully functioning nervous wreck, as opposed to a few years ago where I was a full time rocking chair enthusiast…

That doesn’t mean that I’m suddenly a cool cucumber, reminiscent of Jude Law in his prime (before his hair receded and he started looking like a half peeled potato). You see, I don’t particularly have a strut, and my smile to strangers is still weirdly forced – but I no longer poo my pants at the prospect of talking to someone working in a supermarket. Which is sort of like a victory…in my own strange way…well, it saves money on new clothes anyways – which is practically the same thing.

But on a recent flight I found myself resorting to old habits…as the nerve-racked Mr. Hyde-side of my being crept uneasily back into my life, stammering and sweating with every embarrassed step. You see I was on a long-haul flight just a couple of days ago, and was the reddened meat of a Chinese grandmother sandwich…we had nodded, and smiled to each other – and had even exchanged some muddled pleasantries before growing suitably bored and reaching for our respective sets of headphones. (The internationally known sign for “don’t talk to me please.”)

I began to look through the selection of films, hoping to catch sight of a new-ish one I’d missed the first time around. There were a few that stood out; a serious looking one with James Franco and Jonah Hill, a thriller with Jake Gyllenhaal, and…the newest Spongebob Squarepants movie – all promised to offer some entertainment, and an opportunity to put a dent in the horrendous thirteen hour flight time. I then decided that I would keep these three in reserve, and would only start to watch them when life suddenly didn’t feel like living…until then I would watch some funnily bad films, whilst I still have the energy to put up with them. Strange logic, but made sense at the time.

So on went a low budget movie picture about a serial killer…can’t recall the name but after ten minutes some poor lady was being strung up in ropes as she screamed and begged for mercy – it was brutal. Unfortunately this opinion hadn’t escaped the grandma buns on either side…who were now staring at me as if I was the crazy killer myself…I mean, the scene had me uncomfortable, but the looks had made it unbearable: as if they were saying “ahhh, so this is the sick shit you’re into then, huh? I wish I had never smiled and said hello now…I retract them both from our shared history books.”

Anyway, the humiliation and embarrassment took over and so off it went – it was a terrible movie in the first place so nothing lost, right? Instead I searched for something else to fill the silence and put on a rather unsuspecting drama of some sort…which opened with a gratuitous sex scene – naturally. But surprise-surprise they weren’t fond of that either, and both began to swivel their heads, and tut louder than I had ever heard anyone tut. “Hmmm-mmm, oh” they began to murmur…but any fool could have worked out what they were really trying to say…

“So this is the sick shit you’re into, is it? That’s the check list for any movie you watch; violence, gore, and overly dramatic and cringeworthy sex scenes? Can’t you just watch fucking Toy Story like a normal human?! You make me sick – and after all we’ve been through as well…urgh.”

So I zapped off that as well; I had got the message loud and clear. There was something nice about staring at the blank black screen after the whole palava – there was to be no judgement, which felt good. I then pulled out the book I’m currently reading (W.H. Davies’: ‘The Autobiography of a Super-Tramp) and flicked through its pages until the grandma bread on either side of me slipped away into unconsciousness…about three minutes later thankfully.

I was then free to watch whatever I wanted. So on went the classic: ‘Killer Penis Hostage Bastard’. It was a fun watch, I’d recommend it to anyone! Apart from my new grandmother friends of course. But shhhhh, they don’t need to know about that!

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April 4, 2015April 6, 2015

Pee, and Pornography

I was chatting with a friend just the other day over dinner, when she told me a story of how she had endured a horrendous flight littered with visa complications – and vigorous crosschecks! Just my kinda story, right?! Anyway this led me to tell her of my last flight…which I think I didn’t share with you at the time!

…the tale takes place some time in January of this year – as I was on route from a lovely Christmas spent in England, back to the land of the morning calm: South Korea. The flight is a monster, but a necessary evil…I can’t sleep on flights at all, so it’s basically just a day of watching movies…oh and looking around at everyone else who is well and truly conked out as if in a witch’s spell…

Which I suppose is kind of amusing at first, but 12 hours later…six movies in…not so much. Anyway the flight in question was pretty normal in that respect – I had the distinct honour of being nestled in between two people; a hefty Chinese chap, and a young very smiley Chinese lady. For obvious reasons there wasn’t going to be much conversation, a few head nods here and there perhaps…pointing to the food, and giving a thumbs up (maybe), but no actual words. Which is fine with me ordinarily. But as you may already know…messages don’t always have to be sent by a flexing of your vocal chords alone…no, no – a picture is worth a thousand words…

…you see I was already a little uncomfortable thanks to the chunky overzealous arms of my new friend to the left – but he had finally fallen asleep watching an Adam Sandler movie so I had a bit of respite! But I was far from off the hook, as to my right there was still some rather odd activity going on…the young lady was on her phone which I wasn’t paying attention to – until she was sitting there holding it at a strange angle – the kind of angle you would use if you said “hey, check out this video of a cat punching a dog!” or “look at this picture of my Dad eating a pie!” …or – okay the list is endless, and I think you get it. So naturally I looked, what was she even trying to show m-

OH, WAIT. Erm, I see…at the end of her outstretched hand was a rather lurid mobile phone screensaver – to say it caught my eye is an understatement! I’ll stop skirting the issue, and just come out with it – It was a picture of a caucasian gentleman and his Asian lady friend getting rather fond of each other in a kitchen. I didn’t know where to look, and didn’t want to make it obvious I had just caught sight of it…so allowed my gaze to continue to the window, thinking that perhaps I could pretend that’s where I was looking all along…just staring blankly out of the glass, like the school days…

…but that wasn’t enough for her, she propped her arm up in my way, and opened the lock screen of the phone, to reveal a second wallpaper, with a similar kind of theme. I nodded, and gave one of those “ahh, I see!” forehead raising movements, before desperately busying myself with the movie menu screen in front of me ~

Whilst she flicked through her gallery of pictures.

We got over that little hump, and back to our polite manners when eating together – eventually I couldn’t hold it any longer, and needed to pee. I hate asking people to stand up, but I had been forcing it to the back of my mind for so long! So I gently nudged the guy, and asked if I could get past – “hmmm, NO.” He retorted, before pulling his sleeping mask over his sweaty face, and crossing his arms. Well I certainly hadn’t expected that…I asked again, but got no answer – so told myself I could probably wait another movie, after which I would probably violently stamp over him to urinate . Something to look forward to if you will! How long can you last John, let’s find out!

But you see great minds think alike! So the girl needed to go too…she did a similar nudge to me to get past – to which I explained about the immovable force blocking the way, she tried to get his attention by flicking him which I thought was odd, and even spoke in Chinese – but nothing. So she opted to climb over everyone instead. Perhaps it was all part of a master scheme, an amazing rouse that the guy was in on, but she suddenly became oh so clumsy…tripping over in some mad slapstick routine which always ended with her sitting on me. Like actually sitting on me – I’ll let you visualise it I’m not going to describe, you have imaginations, use them. However after this little bit, she slid majestically past sleeping beauty with no problem at all!

Strange that, huh?

Anyway, there is a happy ending to all of this – she woke him up coming back, so I was able to use this window of opportunity to use the bathroom myself. And it will go down as one of the best pees of my life. Waiting makes things more special my friends, remember that.

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September 24, 2014September 24, 2014

The Monkey King

Well guys I made it safely to Korea, after what was an utterly agonizingly long journey (27 hours – more thanks to delays? It sounds even worse when I write it out and say it back to myself!)...but anyway, as always on long haul flights you find yourself watching things just to pass the time, often it is a great thing as you catch films that passed you by at the time but you had sort of wanted to see…however after the first few films you still find yourself sat there, with a suddenly narrower and less enticing set of options – after all, I couldn’t write anymore, as the Thai lady next to me had spilled orange juice all over my my notebook – I said it was fine, it obviously wasn’t fine, but I had to keep things friendly between us if we were to endure this 17 hour nightmare.

I had exhausted the “NEW RELEASES” category, so decided to dig around in the “INTERNATIONAL” category…possibly there would be some French art-house films, or a strange Scandinavian flick that may pique my interest. This was not to be – not when I say The Monkey King offered up as the best film going. I read the short description on what it was about, and was instantly hooked! Something about a monkey who becomes a king…or something…I guess the clue is in the name, but I just wanted confirmation of this. Without hesitation I hit that play button – the Thai lady looked up from her crossword, I could tell she was thinking “nice choice my friend, nice choice!” but we had that special kind of friendship where you don’t really have to say anything…the love is clear, without the need for stupid and pointless words. I nodded in confirmation and popped on my headphones.

DISCLAIMER: IF YOU WERE PLANNING ON WATCHING THE MONKEY KING THEN YEAH, PLOT SPOILERS OR WHATEVER…THE PLOT ISN’T ACTUALLY ON WIKIPEDIA, PROBABLY BECAUSE IT IS SO ERRATIC AND ALL OVER THE PLACE, I’M RAMBLING, SORRY. MY THROAT HURTS FROM ALL THIS SHOUTING, SO I AM GOING TO STOP WITH THE CAPITALS, HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND.

So the film begins with an explanation that there are three powerful entities that exist in the world; the deity, the demon, and heaven. Unfortunately the demon part of the equation is a total dick, and for no reason whatsoever is attacking the deity in heaven – he’s proper wrecking all of the lovely architecture and decor they have going on up there – and it is totally pissing off the deity crew. The demon has a big fire whip or something like that, no sword…errr…anyway, doesn’t really matter as the deity turns into a massive dragon and brays him all over the place – he is about to make the killing blow which would effectively make everything right in the universe, literally forever, but this girl stops him and says he will never do it again. The deity is blatantly a moron, and despite the fact he has lived forever has not learned that demons are probably prone to lying. Oh well.

After the fight we have a little look around, and everyone is a little disheartened that they will all have to do so much DIY to fix up heaven – it looks like utter shit and people are worried it will be an expensive job. To save time a beautiful lady called Nuwa sacrifices herself, by spinning around and turning herself into magical crystals which means that no one has to do anything at all, as heaven is magically fixed up – good times – one of the stones drops down from heaven though, and lands in a jungle…we then see a quick scene that shows the crystal has an embryo thing in it which then turns into a monkey. It was then that I assumed this was the monkey king we would be dealing with throughout this…how long is this…two hours, Jesus Christ. Anyway, then in a rather sweet scene a small white fox comes up to the crystal and looks at the monkey, the hold out their hands…almost touching…then…they touch, and BOOOOOM – out of nowhere the paw burns up in flames and goes shooting up to heaven without much explanation, and then turns into three wise messengers who tell this beardy guy he has to train this monkey as he may be something special in future fights against the demon population.

So the beardy guy comes down and sees the monkey in question, playing around with his monkey pals – one of which who has a massive penis for a nose, which honestly I feel needs to be talked about because I just don’t understand what was going on there whatsoever. Anyway, the monkey accidentally kills a butterfly, and starts to cry about it – but beardy heals it and is promptly told he is awesome (this was the literal translation!) Naturally after this they are the best of buds, so they go flying off someplace in the clouds on a giant seagull.

If any of this makes sense you are an absolute trooper.

Alright, so meanwhile a woman with a candle for a face has a scroll which she is showing the demon guy. It basically says something about the Monkey King being a hell of a guy, ooooh I am leaving that unintentional pun in! Ahem…so yeah, it says he’s great. All of the demon guy’s pals are a little skeptical, a rhino scratches his chin, as a huge bear nods but doesn’t seem convinced and then this huge guy who looks like that dude from The Goonies speaks up and is promptly thrown in a lava pool. Short cameo for him, but worth it I feel.

When it comes to the Monkey Kings training it is an absolute doddle, he doesn’t really take it seriously but picks up the 72 transformations quickly due to sheer natural talent. Everyone in the class is divided on their opinion of him, some people think he is a complete and utter asshole, whilst others thing he is just a bit of an asshole but largely fun to be around. Personally I wanted to cut my own throat due to how annoying I found the monkey impressions the actor was doing…lots of hehe-hoawww! haha-whooo! he-huh-he! Oh fuck off please. But I am one of those people who stick with films hoping they will just suddenly burst into life…usually this doesn’t happen, but I stick by my methods.

The Monkey King is shown the eye of Sauron by the beardy guy, which I am sure is a copyright violation, but no one seemed to mind. It is explained that it is fire, lightning, and a tonne of other terrible ways the Monkey King will die…but hey, if he survives them he gets to live forever. Not exactly a fair deal, so the Monkey King is shitting is pants. Beardy guy is all, “you’ll be okay”ish about it…but doesn’t offer much in the way of constructive help. Just flicks his beard around and says a big speech about immortality which just makes no sense. Lost in translation maybe…hey, speaking of which I am going to watch Lost in Translation after this…yeah…yeah I think I will…just…an hour and…err…loads to go…fuck.

So back in the Monkey Jungle all of the monkeys are really excited to have their best mate back around, they give him the catchy nickname of The Handsome Monkey King which he is naturally pleased with. However after the honeymoon period is over, penis nose is all “what about when you are not here? What do we do then? Go get some weapons and then we can fuck up people who wander into our bit of jungle!”

So the Monkey King dives into a magical pool to look, he is attacked by a giant fish which he kills and then brags about it to this fat mustache man who appears to be the emperor of the pool. Worst luck the fish was his bodyguard! Doh! Who would have thought it?! Eeee…well…anyway, they try to kill the Monkey King but he proves to be tricky, as he traps them in a giant bubble and then…errr, it all gets weird, I can’t remember – they give him some weapons and then –

ANNOUNCEMENT.

After the announcement my screen went dead…and went back to a raw loading screen…I had to get the lady to come help me with it – “NO WATCHING FOR TWENTY MINUTES, OK?”

There is a God I guess. Let me just say, Lost in Translation is a great film…my Mother hasn’t stopped mentioning it since the first time I visited Asia…so I just nodded along although I hadn’t watched it myself…but yeah, great. I am sure it has nothing to do with the standard of the film I half-watched before it…no, no…not at all.

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August 12, 2014August 29, 2014

The Surf King

It may surprise you to hear that I actually detest the whole flying process, despite the fact that I do fly quite often. Everything from the treatment you get as part of a herd…shepherded through this little bit, then the next, then the next, all of these false obstacles designed to make you feel like you are making progress – so you are forced into this little desperate shuffle as you edge closer and closer to being able to sit down…you are regularly fondled under the guise that you may have a bomb or drugs lodged up your anus…and even when you get on the plane you are not safe! As there is the groin check, where the air hostess goes and basically stares at everybody’s crotch one by one…under the guise of “checking if you have your seatbelt on”, yeah right – I see through your LIES, you SICK, SICK WOMAN! Then there is the gross food, that you shovel down anyway like the immense waste of space you are – because, well…what else are you going to do on this flight that appears to have an estimated duration of ETERNITY.

But still I get on these tin cans in the sky, why oh why?!

Continue reading “The Surf King”

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