The Talking Dead

So for some bizarre reason, two out of three hotels in Italy decided that my sister and I didn’t require two single beds, and that a double would suffice. Perhaps they thought we were a young couple – and she was my 16 year old wife (hmmm…yeah, I doubt that one), or perhaps they didn’t think it was a big deal, or more likely just didn’t give a shit either way so long as I paid them upfront, which I stupidly had. But anyway…with all that said, it actually isn’t such a big deal. Unless you are a massive weirdo with all kinds of strange urges and psychological problems, then lying in a bed and going to sleep with your sibling should be pretty much a carefree scenario.

Naturally, I don’t do carefree scenarios though…so that isn’t actually how this story played out…if only, of only…

Anyway, the first couple of nights were actually, well, uneventful – but it was on the third night that weirdness took over…I burst awake in the early hours of the morning and found a zombie attempting to chomp on my leg –

“WUUUU-WAAAAHHH-ERGHHHHHH!”

The shrieks didn’t even sound like my own, they were so theatrically high pitched and full of a desperation I had never encountered before in my whole life – it was if someone was playing a soundtrack in the background somewhere, I mean – I didn’t think I was capable of such noises. I carried on kicking and began to flail my arms every which way to try and rid myself of this undead cretin…”MEEEHHH-HEHEHEHE-MARGHHHH” it gabbled crazily as it tried to rip my legs apart with it’s yellowing rotten teeth…it was the single most horrifying image I have ever laid eyes on, blank white eyes, bedraggled greasy hair, deep wrinkles with green streaks running through the skin…now I think about it I wonder if (as a bit of a clean freak) if I was shocked more because of how dirty this guy was, or if it was because he was a zombie…not sure…I guess it was the whole package…he was really, really filthy though.

Zombie GIF

“WUUUU-WAAAAHHH-ERGHHHHHH!” I continued to lash out –

“JOHN, WHAT THE FUCK?!”

Arghhhh! It knew my name, how did it know my name?!

“WUUUU-WAAAAHHH-ERGHHHHHH!” I kicked and screamed, still trying to rid myself of this creature – just what did it want from me?!

Shaun of the dead

“JOHN – WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!”

The zombie finally retreated, and rolled off the bed in a little escape mechanism – I remember seeing his filthy heavy coat slide out of sight – and the absolute relief that washed over my shivering body. It was over…thank fucking God.

Unfortunately just as this sequence occurred, the reality of the situation began to set in…as I saw my little sister – not a blood thirsty zombie, crawl up from the side of the bed…

El…Eleanor?!”

“JOHN…WHAT WAS THAT?! WHAT WAS -”

“I thought…I thought you were a zombie…you had a beard…it was…you were so dirty…you were…trying to bite my leg…it was horrible…you had a beard…you…had a beard…”

I couldn’t breathe…I was puffing and panting uncontrollably, trying to catch my breath – I hadn’t exerted myself like that in a long, long time – I suppose you go into fifth gear when you think you are going to die! We began to laugh at the lunacy of the whole scenario. I mean, what else can you really do? She eventually drifted back to sleep, seemingly un-phased by the madness that we had briefly stumbled into…myself however…well that was it, my eyes were wide open and the crazed adrenaline wasn’t going to leave any time soon. I kept thinking that if I fell asleep it would all begin again, she would transform…

The image of that disgusting beast gnawing at my leg with it’s foul tongue flicking wildly in front of its face was embossed into my mind…nothing had actually happened…it was totally a figment of my overactive imagination and (possibly) dodgy brain…but I was oddly happy to still be alive. As if I had survived I real life zombie attack!

As I stared up at the ceiling, I realised that I had stumbled across the answer to “which one” I would be in a zombie film…I wouldn’t be the brave one…I wouldn’t be the interesting one…or the hunky one…I would quite comfortably be the annoying one who dies half the way through, but that you kinda wish died straight away because he just gets on your nerves so much. Great. Perhaps I can be prepared next time…or at least not shriek quite so loudly…that would be a good start anyway.

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35 thoughts on “The Talking Dead

  1. I have resigned myself to the fact that if the world was to end via the zombie route, I’ll just sit in a corner and die. Mainly because I will not be able to take the smell. And now that you’ve pointed it out, they are so filthy. Eew.

    Congratulations on your zombie encounter!

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  2. Wow. Unarmed and you STILL survived a zombie attack while already in its horrid grasp!? That’s simply AMAZING! Well done. I can’t believe your sister tried covering for the zombie though. Did she at least apologize the next day, or did the charade of “no zombie here” continue?

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  3. I have similar kinds of nightmares. Mine are about spiders. Happily…or sadly…I can’t decide, my husband is so used to this that he barely even responds to what I’m doing anymore. Including when I used my pillow to “kill” the huge spider on the wall, knocking over the lamp in the process.

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  4. You would be the one who dies in the middle of the film for being annoying,can´t get more creative than you. By the way two things, it is a bit weird to sleep in the same bed as your sister ,maybe some unresolved passed issues? 😉 And second, man you´re a scary dude to sleep next to! You probably have now impacted your little sister in some way and she´ll probably will end up in therapy in about I say 10 years. She will blame you for all her problems, you and your zombie you.

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  5. Sounds to me like your sister has a zombie hunting secret and you almost became collateral damage in an uprising battle for humanity. How much did she try to convince you “it was just a dream”? Or you just took too much melatonin before bed. Either way this was a fun read

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  6. Why is it that nightmares are so firmly implanted in our memories, but the good dreams fly out of your ears the moment you wake up? This sounds like the kind that sticks with you for a lifetime. I have this recurring nightmare about an evil duck with big white teeth… Okay, never mind. I’m trying to forget that one.

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  7. I have been told by my teenage children and their friends that I, a middle aged mum, will be allowed to live in a zombie apocalypse. This is due to the fact I have a chauffeur’s license which they found out means I can legally drive a tank. Therefore saving all the teens. I sleep better knowing that I won’t be the first one thrown out the door to the zombies. 😉

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