Posted on by Storytime with John

Maddening Meatballs

Are you sitting down? Because, you certainly need to be seated for this…as what follows here, may be the most excruciatingly painful bit of news you will here for some time…a horrendous event that has certainly scarred me for life, and has depressed me to no end. 

So it all started off relatively normal, I was hungry…which is always a vulnerable state to be in…you fall for marketing ploys more easily, and the lovely smells start to take on that cartoonish effect – where they basically carry you into the nearest restaurant! I wanted something quick, as I had places to go, people to see. So thought I couldn’t go wrong with good ol’ Subway. With being in Korea, I thought it would be a rare taste of the staple Western cuisine we all know, and love…this has been true throughout the world for me – actually I remember at the foot of The Great Wall of China, there was a Subway…and I held up the whole tour group (accidentally), when I decided I shouldn’t miss the chance to snag a foot long sandwich…I didn’t expect them to wait for me…but they did…so I had to  endure the rest of the walk up there with jealous faces staring at me, as sauce ran down my face…

kevin-smith-sandwich GIF

Anyway, I just got sidetracked, sorry…so yeah, I walked into the Subway, and was ecstatic to find that the meatball sub had some kind of special set menu deal thing going on…like a lunch time offer I guess. This was great news, because then I could tell myself that I did really well, that I was saving money, I was being a thrifty so-and-so, and that the money I hadn’t spent – could now be put towards something more productive…or even charity…yeah! It’s lucky I actually decided to come here, good for me…and more so, good for the WORLD!

So there I was waiting in line, planning out which veggies I may put in this, soon to be Nobel Peace Prize winning sandwich. And as I was doing so, I noticed the guy in front of me was ordering three foot long sandwiches…THREE! I would be amazed if they were all for himself, but it’s highly likely he is bringing them for some of his pals in the office…man, I wish I was his friend…that’s a true friend. Throwing you a sandwich, and giving the nod that says; no big deal (even though you BOTH know this is love of the highest kind). Or perhaps even leaving it by their computer with a little post-it note…slightly more sentimental…you could be like, “I love you thiiiiiis much!” Because…foot-long…foot is a measurement…and…alright, that’s only good advice, if you want to be the office weirdo. Apologies.

It was soon my turn, so I snapped out of my usual daydreams, and ordered what I wanted by a mixture of terrible Korean, English, and vividly illustrious pointing. I am a really good pointer…pointing is good in every culture, every country…smile, and point…smile, and point. Sounds like a workout DVD…but seriously, it WORKS. 

Pointing Bale GIF

“Aaaaahhhh! Meatuh-bol?” YES! She understood! We were in business! Once again the handy old index finger had came in…err…handy…anyway, I watched as she pulled out the bread, I couldn’t help but lick my lips in anticipation…she then cut it in half, and I nodded, almost like I was greeting it…she then opened up the metal tray for the meatballs – so far so good, nothing amiss! 

AND THEN THE WORLD WENT TOPSY-TURVY – STARK, RAVING MAD. PIGS WERE FLYING, I REPEAT – PIGS WERE FLYING.

I did think it was weird she put her hands in the tray…not a scoop, or a spoon…but I wanted to believe that it couldn’t be true. But before I knew it, I could no longer keep lying to myself. She pulled out a few rotten grey, grandpa testicle lookin’ balls, and threw them on the bed…I did one of those mini sick in your mouth things, but held myself together. I began to wonder what parallel universe I had wandered into…what version of hell is this?! The balls were so sad there on the bread, so alone…they were crying out for some marinara sauce…they were screaming, pleading with me…but there was nothing I could do, there was glass between us – it was as if they were on death-row, and I was coming to visit them one last time. But then the prison warden, the sick bastard she was…went, and made it about three hundred times worse…this must be how she gets her kicks…she picked up a mysterious bottle…everything began moving in slow motion…as she squirted lashings of ketchup across the balls, over, and over, and over again…drowning them into oblivion…

NOOOO GIF

…this was served to me with a grin…a cruel, cruel grin…as she held it out to me…“Meatuh-bol!” 

I gazed longingly at the poster next to me…it had been so full of promise – now all I have is a soggy ketchup testicle bun. The horror, THE HORROR! I cried bitterly as I ate it…and spent the rest of the afternoon skipping rocks across a lake, and thinking deep thoughts, about life…and why we are here…and how can there be a God if cruel things like this exist in the world?

I don’t know…it was just a lot to handle…I’m tearing up just re-living it…I have to go…

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66 Replies to “Maddening Meatballs”

      2. Uh Meatballs with sauce is a bad thing? Sorry I am not familiar with the etymology of meatball mastication 😀 enlighten me friend of your preferences as the old debates of pancakes and filling (I am not being sarcastic) 😉

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  2. I can’t believe you ate that!! I would be devastated!!

    I once ordered the chicken breast on flatbread (which flatbread MUST be toasted–they all tell you that) and it wasn’t. They didn’t even bother to warm up the chicken! I contemplated throwing it out and going to the next Subway up the road where their sandwiches are ALWAYS perfection, but I ate it before I got there.

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  13. Your stories make tears run down my face sometimes. Laughing. Grandpa testicles? Of my Gawd! Let’s just say I’m glad I’m a vegetarian. Yep. Keep up the GREAT stories!

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  17. She must have been familiar with our infamous Spaghetti O’s, which are way over cooked pasta and…ketchup. I love the meatball sandwiches, but I have to just totally go blank in my mind, not even trying to guess what the meatballs are made of. The times I have heard there has been horse meat in some of these things, I just have to turn off all my senses, and attempt to enjoy it in ignorance. Never look back! Love the story.

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      1. I know, but on the bright side Babe doesn’t come to me in my dreams anymore with a hack-knife, that was getting very, very creepy and expensive. My psychiatrist kept on telling me I had unresolved issues with pigs in my past life or something, it was all very weird, well, weirder than usual

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  30. You’re hilarious John. Your voice reminds me of the exceptional writing in the film “About a Boy” starring Hugh Grant. Have you seen it? You made me laugh out loud. Thanks for that ☺. Also, thank you for dropping into, reading and liking my freshman post here on WordPress. I’m honoured. Looking fwd to continuing this conversation. Best, j

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  31. OMG! That’s all I can say…
    Next week I’m in Cardiff with a friend Wondering what to eat there, she said…”hey they have a Subways!” Hmm … Is there any sub you can safely recommend? Never had one before can you imagine!?

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  34. Well, see, this is why I go for the Italian BMT. Or the egg-and-cheese omelette thing, since those omelette things are mass-produced in a toy factory outside Dayton and can’t be improved or worsened by any process known to man and I can’t get enough of them.

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    1. Thank you! 🙂 It did I am afraid…I couldn’t bring myself to type out an in-depth description, as re-living that mess would have given me nightmares! Just left it to the imagination…but it was squelchy, cold inside…and soggy thanks to the ketchup. Not fun. Not fun at all!

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    1. Yeah Ben, my point wasn’t really about the hands (couldn’t care less!), it was that it meant there was no spoon involved to get the normal meatball marinara situation going on!!!!

      Urgh. Like what is ketchup doing in the mix of all this? haha!

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  40. It’s good to know that Subway food is just as unappetizing in other parts of the world as it is here in the U.S. I’ve seen from your comments that the whole hand scooping of the “meatball-esque” concoction wasn’t the worst part for you, but for me, I’d have draw the line right there and walked out long before she drowned them in ketchup.
    Interesting story. I’ll definitely be back to read others.

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  42. Well look at the bright side, you could have been up all night worshiping the porcelain Gods of hell! At least it didn’t make a rerun performance 🙂 hahahaha, and for the record, I am a huge germaphobe and probably would have just walked out of the shop at the first sight of grey meat and the fact that she used her hands to scoop them out, double YUK!

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