50 Shades of CRAZY

I have held off telling this tale becau-shhhhhhh, quiet! Did you hear that…no? Oh…I erm…maybe it’s just the wind…sorry…sorry…

But yes as I was saying; I have taken my time with writing this story as it still frightens me a little, and truth be told I’ll probably always be a bit jittery about it…wait…did you seriously not hear that?! Oh God…please send help…she’s…here…

Scared GIF

Anyway, it was maybe a couple of months ago now – ahhh, how time flies when you are barricading yourself in a safe house, ey? And I was readying myself for a second date with a lucky/unlucky lady (not completely sure) – you see the first time had went quite well, she seemed fun, kind-hearted, and was outrageously beautiful – so much so I felt like a humongous wart of a man in comparison, like the hunchback with Esmeralda you know? …but I digress…

Despite all that I was pretty confident the second would go well too, just dinner then drinks or something – the usual set up; in all honesty as long as she laughs at my stories again it’s a good time in my book! So we met up and straight away she slipped a note into my hand before excusing herself to the bathroom – on the front it read; ‘you are my hero’…a call-back reference to the first date when she had almost aimlessly wandered into a speeding bus before I outstretched my arm to stop a messy collision – I had a new white shirt on after all, and it wouldn’t do to have been covered in blood spatter! There’d be no getting it out!

Red On You GIF

The rest of the letter was a long-ish rambled account of how happy she was to have met me, how I’m like no other before, and blah-blah-blah, all that good stuff…I thought it was a little much, especially so soon, but I confess I was touched and considered it to be quite cute albeit in a very cringe-worthy 15 year old first-love sort of way…

During dinner things were going okay, if not a little boring – you see, I was trying to take more of a backseat in the hope of learning more about her…I mean I love to tell stories and make people laugh, but it’s meant to be a date not a stand up routine, right?  – and I had noticed how little I actually knew about the person I was sitting across from. She obliged, and talked more about her job as a clothes designer, which I thought was somewhat interesting…she’d also been abroad, living in Australia for a few years…and I attempted to pick her brains over a number of things related to that…but the replies were usually uninspired and drab…one word answers in many cases…ah well…waiter, another beer please!

But then things took a huge U-turn right when I began to talk about the kids I teach, and how dealing with Korean parents can sometimes be a little complicated. Upon hearing this she instantly broke out a rather bizarre (yet undoubtedly compelling) tale…it turns out, she had heard a strange rumour…that foreign guys in Korea often go to teach private English  lessons in children’s homes one on one – which is true. And also she’d heard that sometimes the mothers want lessons too – which is also true…so yeah, still nothing out of the ordinary here…but bear with me…

Bored GIF

The more alarming part of the story is that allegedly these so-called lessons are not totally as they seem on the surface…instead the process goes a little like this; foreign chap teaches the child, after which the child watches the TV, then the teacher goes into the mother’s bedroom…time…erm…elapses…and then he leaves with his wage for the kid’s education, and a handsome tip for his other extra-curricular services…

Upon hearing this I broke out into raucous laughter – regardless of the fact the story was whispered to me in hushed tones as if it were a scene from the Da Vinci Code….I simply couldn’t handle the seriousness of it all, I mean I won’t say it couldn’t happen, or hasn’t for that matter…but it’s certainly not the seedy epidemic sweeping Korea that she was trying to make it out to be!

Well, if it is I am missing out…

“So, is it true…do you do that like every other?” she asked in a stern tone, after which I noticed how her perfectly shaped eyebrows actually look rather demonic when angered, sort of furrowed into a cartoon-esque V shape. All I could do was stare back in disbelief as her eyes burst out of their sockets in an interrogative glare…she was really stony-faced about the whole thing, but I couldn’t be…

“Yeah…yeah of course! Wait…I thought it was normal? Isn’t it? I was just trying to fit in…I thought it must be Korean culture? No? Oh – how embarrassing…”

Jim Shh GIF

She giggled in a really creepy way while stabbing her fork into a chunk of chicken…I was allowed a few moments to dwell on how ludicrous a story and question it was…but only a few moments mind, you see soon she had more to say…

“You know, if I ever find out you do that, hehehe, or cheat on me in any way – I’ll call immigration, have your VISA removed, and have you deported from this country forever. Simple. Really simple. You…out…life here, over. Simple.”

I laughed uncomfortably and squirmed in my chair…“I’m serious. I’ll tell a story in Korean. You won’t be able to deny. Simple, really simple. Out. Never to come back.”

Well, it should go without saying that I stopped laughing, but I couldn’t help but carry on squirming – that was out of my control now as a flood of fear took hold. To say I was incredibly uneasy would be a pitiful understatement, in fact if you want a more crude yet accurate description: I was completely shitting myself.  I mean there I was, sat on date number two and already knowing that if were to upset this stranger in any way, she was mad enough to move mountains just to destroy my life. I’m not talking about the cheating thing per-say, not particularly my bag anyway (too lazy for that business)…but if she was willing to do that what other negative potential does she possess behind those satanic eyes? If I forgot our anniversary would she chop off my fingers and play her xylophone with them? If I couldn’t recall her mother’s name would she remove my teeth use them as board game pieces for her own amusement? If I refused any one of her demands would she feed me nothing but dog food and make me answer to the name ‘Bruno’ for an entire week???


Crazy Eyes GIF

She must have noted my sudden silence and lack of eye contact (with anything other than my plate), as she stood up and pulled a chair around to my side of the table to perch next to me – her legs outstretched over my own, as she began to massage my perspiring face with her spindly witch fingers. Not exactly awkward…I’d define the situation as err…terrifying. 

I tried to persevere as if I was completely unphased; which for obvious reasons could only last so long. When I couldn’t take it any longer I put down my cutlery and took a deep breath – I knew I had to make my escape, but anything to horrible could potentially spark her wrath, so I would have to approach it all with tact…whilst mulling over this petrifying conundrum I accidentally made eye contact with her grinning face (YOU STUPID BASTARD, JOHN!) that’s when she threw her arms around my neck and started rocking me back and forth while cooing:

“You know I’m so happy we are together. I already feel like we’ve known each other for years, and years. Can’t imagine life without you…don’t want to…”

errr…yeah…sorry to interrupt the story but I have quick query if you don’t mind? Thanks a lot, it won’t take long! Okay, so why doesn’t life have a panic button?! Or perhaps even a Mr. Burns type trap door?! Like at that point I should have been able to reach for a hidden switch under the table and had her removed from my life instantly – it was just too close to a scene from a horror movie to be real…too jarringly awful to be my actual life.  But no!! Instead I have to sit there and deal with it, all the while sweating and shaking as this mental leech attaches herself to me…

Crazy Hug GIF

I’m sure to unknowing onlookers it looked like quite a sickly sweet scene …but it was anything but. Instead I was wishing we were in a taller building – so I could happily throw myself out of it…certainly a solution…but not so much at a ground floor restaurant. I imagine she’d have a lot of questions to ask my bloodied, but still live body – then she’d drag me to her lair to hump before making wallpaper out of my skin, and kitchen utensils out of my stripped bones.

Oh, not to mention ruining my VISA status! (Almost forgot that one!)

Anyway where was I? I got a little side-tracked with the whole crazy killer montage thing…oh yeah, so I was in the restaurant with her latched to me like some sort of evil barnacle when I decided enough was enough. So I just pretended I was really tired and that I should probably head home – which was double-talk for: “please let me fucking leave, so I never have to see you again”.

As we parted she waffled something about knowing I was special, because she now knows I would never do her wrong…and that she trusts she’ll see me again very soon. Yeah…right…perhaps in hell, if I’m unlucky…

Hell GIF

Safe to say she’s blocked and deleted on three different forms of social media…if that fails then I will seek help from two priests in order to perform an exorcism…

Wish me luck, my friends. (Was nice knowing ya!)



Please buy my collection of stories! Get it in paperback here – or on Kindle here! ALL proceeds go towards Macmillan Cancer Support!

32 Replies to “50 Shades of CRAZY”

      1. That’s for sure… I hope she won’t become a stalker? They can leave you emotionally scarred for a long time!
        So watch your back! 🙂 and good luck…

        Liked by 1 person

  1. If I’d be on that kind of date, I’ll do the classic I-need-to-go-to-the-bathroom exit, or just call for Charlie’s (of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory) transparent elevator to bust in the freakin’ place, this is just crazy! LOL

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Glad to hear that! This is (unfortunately) the story as is…there’s actually more…I bumped into her a couple of times after, but decided that was too convoluted and crazy a tale to tell so limited it to the second date experience.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Damn. I’m a pretty optimistic person….it’s people like this that make me want to get the awesome, cool people of the world and move to mars! Or maybe send all the crazy people to mars….something like that!
    Glad to hear you made it out alive! 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hmmmm … sounds like GONE GIRL. Have you seen it?

    Here’s a trailer — albeit an offbeat one:

    “The message boils down to, ‘don’t have sex with crazy people.'” 🙂

    BTW, so far, this is my favorite post of yours … don’t know why. Maybe I just saw GONE GIRL last night and your post reads like a tidbit from the film. You should see it if you haven’t … it’s creepy and a suspenseful thriller. Not the best movie in the whole world, but definitely entertaining. AND after you see it, you’ll have absolutely NO regrets about not ever, ever, ever, ever, ever seeing that girl again. Like ever.

    And on a related subject, in case you’re interested … here’s my post on 50 Shades of Grey stuff: https://hysterectomy4dysmenorrhea.wordpress.com/2015/02/16/what-50-shades-of-grey-a-hysterectomy-have-in-common/

    Keep up the good work John. Take my advice from a 40+ something: DO NOT DATE A JEALOUS (or vengeful) GAL. Seriously. Your life will be hell!


  4. Wow! That is a genuinely beautifully romantically terrifying story that I feel edified having read. Great descriptions. Loved the first pic from Shaun of the Dead (it certainly helped the story in my estimation by choosing a pic from one of the greatest movies ever) Doubly funny because I have a friend who is an American English teacher (I don’t think he teaches American English specifically, but is just from the country that Americans call America, but is actually just the US, or U.S.A, and doesn’t include Central or the Lower Americas, [which doesn’t necessarily mean lesser or central, not respectively, because I know other peoples don’t like Americans bragging about our owning the whole world, but not to digress, besides I don’t think Koreans would necessarily care about the difference between spelling color with a u in it or not) in Korea and told me a bit about his girlfriend there and how she dumped him…a funny story in itself, but not mine to tell 🙂 Anyway, I loved this story and will keep up to date when it comes to Storytime with John, as we share a first name in a way. Also, you recently liked my post on The Fingers’ Handbook to New Joke City on my blog, and not to bring it up here and bring attention to it on your story (sorry for doing that by the way) anyway, I am new to wordpress blogging and don’t have a clue how people see the posts I make, because I’ve gotten a load of likes for that one, but no views on the site, and I’m just in general dumb and confused and would appreciate any know-how you could offer. I’d also love to hear any comments you might have about my story in genesis. I just wrote the second chapter today…it’s really long, and it’s not called Chapter Two, because actually, it doesn’t come after the first chapter; its actually Ch.14 to the power of 27.

    Its called: Where our Heroes, the Ten Fingers, meet the First Reader, but Double U.B., the Writer’s Block, from the Plot, also known as the holy ground, doesn’t, and is very aggrieved.

    The preceding chapters and following chapters are all complete in intangible forms as well just waiting to come to maturity and be born onto the screen…


  5. Thank you for liking “Strange Passage.” What a disappointing and scary experience! Wow, she has the charm of a mafia hit man. That’s good you were in a public place. I sympathize with your situation because I am having a problem with a creepy guy who won’t leave me alone. I don’t even know his name. It’s a long story, and I do not want to post all of the details here. Stay safe. 🙂


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