How to (PRETEND TO) be a Normal Person

As you wade through the mysterious complexities of life, encountering such typical philosophical travails such as “why are we even here?”, “what is my calling?”, and “will I get caught if I burn my boss’ house down?” we can often feel alone…as if we are weird, and no one else is having these feelings on a daily basis. And the fact of the matter is – you are weird. You’re strange – odd…actually if I was to be completely honest you are probably Norman Bates level mental…but other people don’t have to know that!

Here are a few top tips that I have gleaned over my tenure as a full-time sociopath, which are sure to help you fit in and walk among the muggles undetected:

1. Nod, and smile when people are talking (even if you don’t understand what is going on):

Nod Smile GIF

You can throw in a few “ahhh I see”s for good measure – even though you don’t see anything at all. Just keep nodding, and smiling…nodding and smiling…people will tell other people you are a good listener, and ironically subsequently a great conversationalist!

2.  Say “oh my God” instead of an actual well-thought out reply:

Oh my God GID

There’s really no need for any other reply these days, not unless you want to have the possibility of saying something weird like your actual sick thoughts. Instead stick to the script…just alter the pitch and pronunciation of the “oh my God”  to suit whichever situation you may find yourself in; shock, sadness, humor, joy – whatever, whenever – you’re golden.

3. Reply with “it’s fine, don’t worry about it” when someone wrongs you terribly:

Fine GIF

Let’s get this straight – it’s definitely not fine, and you will carry around this bitterness for the rest of your life like a heavy noose around your neck…but never mind – it’s…fine. I mean you may need counselling and perhaps some form of radical electric shock treatment years from now – but until then…you’re fine…no really, you’re fine. 

4. Whistle a tune you are literally making up as you go along:

Whistle GIF

People who go around whistling are so annoying right? Just wandering about totally in their own world, without a care as to how irritating they are to the entire population of the earth…urgh! But funnily enough by masquerading as one of these rogues you can don the guise of a normal-o! (Please note you will appear normal but will have no friends and your entire family will abandon you.)

5. And finally…always shake stranger’s hands aggressively whilst repeating “I’M NORMAL, I’M NORMAL, I’M NORMAL!” in a shrill tone.

Aggressive Hand Shake GIF

This is the clincher and takes a little bit of practice – fortunately you can train for this in the comfort of your own home (toddlers, cats, and your bed-bound grandmother make for great training apparatus) – remember to truly believe yourself when you shriek “I’M NORMAL!”; after all if you don’t believe yourself, then why would other people?


And here marks the end of my knowledge on this subject – but if you enact these five simple steps you will be surely well on your way to a life of normality (and repressed feelings)…

…but anyway I’m going to leave this coffee shop now, I think my whistling is starting to anger the rest of the clientele. Good luck, and keep smiling my friends – it’ll be our little secret!

Please buy my collection of stories! Get it in paperback here – or on Kindle here! ALL proceeds go towards Macmillan Cancer Support!

30 Replies to “How to (PRETEND TO) be a Normal Person”

  1. Valid points but why would you want to fit in? Muggles are boring. Like, Bleh. Isn’t it better to let the people know that you ARE weird or maybe, a high functioning sociopath? 😀 but I like the 5th point though, all the shrieking sounds awesome! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

      1. That’s because they’re not drunk enough, yet. Use your wand, keep filling up their glasses, and if THAT doesn’t work, there’s always the Imperius Curse! 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Also important? Be seen to be eating. Somehow, people who just go off eating by themselves where they can’t be seen are suspect. One of the most important things Kings used to do, back in the centuries when we cared about them, was to be seen at dinner so that people knew they weren’t being ruled by robots or something like that.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Helpful advice, John! Being richly endowed with the gift of ADD, plus poor hearing, I pretty much live in my head. So, yes, I practice these techniques religiously. Except #5–I gave up trying to convince people I was normal long ago.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Haha….
    sure as hell, all of us are rather pretending to be normal, while no one is actually that.

    I have loved reading your stuff. It makes a mundane routine end with a nice laugh. Thanks 😀
    cheers to your sense of humour.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Reblogged this on NonchalantxFish and commented:
    I at least have been doing the first three without even realizing . . . does that mean I’m normal, or I’m just really, really good at pretending to be? The fourth — okay, I can’t whistle. And the fifth one . . . um. I’ll try it. See what happens. 😀


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