Unwanted Room Mate

It’s a well recorded, and commonly recited sentiment – but you truly never know what sort of day a stranger on the street is having…of course our imagination fills in the huge gaping blanks, but that doesn’t mean we should trust these assessments – more often than not they are way off…

Like you may look at a berserk man storming down the street, and immediately come to the conclusion that he is a thug looking for old lady’s purses to steal, or children’s sandcastles to kick over. But who knows? He could very well be that, but it is also within the realms of possibility that he is just a regular Joe…and that he is simply having the worst day of his life. Perhaps his dog may have to be put down, perhaps there is a close relative who is terminally ill, or perhaps his girlfriend made him binge watch every single episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians the night before. We can never know for sure…

Crazy People GIF

Or you may be pushed out of the way by a severe looking lady – who resembles Miss Trunchbull in every way (except sadly there’s no chocolate cake)…and yes, your automatic thought will be that she is rude and you ought to say something passive aggressive to her. But what if she too is having an awful day, or a series of awful days? She could be about to be evicted, or she may be on the verge of losing her job…or maybe she is being bullied by some weird snooty kid with magical powers. Again, you just never know..

So it’s nice, to be nice – as my Momma used to say. Just in case any of these things are true…or just in case this one-dimensional cartoonesque image we have of odd looking strangers is not exactly on the money! To throw myself in as an example – if you were to see me out in public last week you’d instinctively have thought something along the lines of “who is that attractive, young whipper-snapper?!” no…sorry, getting ahead of myself. You’d actually have wondered: “who is that strange man, and why is he so red and sweaty?!” Well friends, what you couldn’t have known is that I was enduring a horrendous trial that week…which will go down in history as “The Battle of the Grasshopper Room-Mate.”

Scared Draco GIF

You see on one unsuspecting Monday I was met with a grasshopper in my bathroom – he was perched on the windowsill and had gotten in through the small crack I allow for ventilation. I wrongly assumed it would just be a brief visit – that perhaps he would just be someone to chat with while I have my pee, and then he’d be on his way. However the next time I was in there he was all laid out on the floor, making himself comfortable….time, and time again he was just sat there, changing positions every now and again. Not saying a great deal, but making his presence felt…making toilet time a little bit more uncomfortable than usual – with those buggy staring accusing eyes of his.“I’M JUST TRYING TO WIPE SIR, LEAVE ME ALONE!”

So now you’re probably thinking, “well just get rid of the fella, evict him! Call the police even!” which is all well and good, except I am not a proper man who can do the whole cup and piece of paper trick – also I teach kindergarten and I’m trying to make a concerted effort not to nurture future serial killers so I impose a ‘let’s not kill living things’ policy…I try to practice what I preach, rather than being a hypocrite so here I am…

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AND YES I EAT BURGERS, I KNOW, I KNOW – I JUST DON”T WANT TO DO THE EXECUTIONS MYSELF, OKAY!

Anyway, he was there. For days. So eventually I left my bathroom door wide open hoping he would just hop on out at some point so I could poop in peace… that perhaps he’d go under the bed – or any place else where he couldn’t be seen, or heard. We could cohabit. We could make this situation work, somehow…perhaps we’d have a day where we’d watch movies together and eat junk food – but otherwise we’d keep ourselves to ourselves for the sake of our own respective sanities. 

I’ll keep you posted on that. But this ongoing drama has undoubtedly taken a toll on me; so who knows what blustered and worrisome appearance I had on my stupid stressed out face on those days I was battling with my unwanted room mate…I was probably a bit more short with people, a little less good humoured. But I was going through something…and so are other people, probably.

Stressed Parks GIF

So let’s remember that, or at least try to – yeah?

Oh, and another thing before I go – does anyone have a spare room going? I’m asking for a friend…he’s clean and quiet – I’ll pay his first month’s rent. Shoot me an email if you do, would be greatly appreciated…

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What’s the Point? (Existential Crisis)

Life. We slave away at jobs we don’t care about, or chase dreams that only ourselves can ever truly be invested in…and for what? I mean it doesn’t really matter, any of it – apart from for selfish reasons which in their very essence are dumb and somewhat childlike; they’re all – “I WANT THIS…I WANT TO BE THIS…I WANT TO GO HERE” as we kick our feet, and throw our metaphorical toys out of the pram hoping God, fate, or the universe will cut us a break.

Begging GIF

Okay, but gimme a nice house and a few human beings who think I’m great…

But the fact is I could get ran over by a bus tomorrow – POOF! Gone. Well…not really ‘POOF’ it’s not a magic trick…there would be a lot more moaning, screaming, and guts as opposed to wizardy and showmanship, but still; there would be a brief moment and then I would be no more. People would be all sad for a bit, and then life would roll on. And in the larger scheme of the universe nothing would have happened at all! You see let’s be honest, the Moon would look the other way, the sun wouldn’t care, and Pluto wouldn’t even hear about it! The self-serving bastards…urgh…

So what’s the answer to this depressing situation? Well I’ve googled it and there isn’t a real one, so apologies in advance. Instead all we can do is black it all out with drink, drugs, and/or knitting…well actually just whatever activity it takes to provide an internal padded room that dampens the “YOUR LIFE DOES NOT MATTER AT ALL” screams that can be heard with every waking second of your existence…

Peanut Butter GIF

Actually I’ve looked for peanut butter in Korea and couldn’t find it…so there’s yet another reason to wallow in self-pity.

Anyway, I’m just joshing…sort of. Well not really, all I have said so far is sadly true – but the miserable tone is not, as there is a lot to live for. Yourself for one, and for the ones who love you, and the others who you haven’t even met yet. You can enrich each other’s pathetically bleak window of existence and make the whole horrid thing that little bit easier to bear! Great right? Don’t you just feel like moon-walking on a rainbow right now?!

Sigh. Well, maybe not, but I’m not going to let a little negativity (well, a black hole of depression if I was being honest) stop me…despite the fact I know it’s vain, utterly pointless, and that Pluto doesn’t give a shit I am going to still have my own dreams, and spend each day working towards achieving them. If for no other reason than to retain a shred of sanity at the enormity of it all…

SO TAKE THAT PLUTO! I DON’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU EITHER! 

(Unless you grant wishes, in which case I take it all back and let’s meet for coffee sometime soon?)

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Five Reasons to be HAPPY!

Alright guys, I’m done with moping around – I’m done with the feeling sorry for yourself, kind of stuff! So I came up with five reasons that there are to be happy – this should help me, but it should also help you…or anyone else, who is a moany, groany bastard lately!

Enjoy! Oh…and if there are any more reasons – why not share them! Would love to hear ’em! 

If you have a video request you can leave a comment, or send me an email – if it’s a cool/interesting idea then I will get to it as soon as I can!

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How to (PRETEND TO) be a Normal Person

As you wade through the mysterious complexities of life, encountering such typical philosophical travails such as “why are we even here?”, “what is my calling?”, and “will I get caught if I burn my boss’ house down?” we can often feel alone…as if we are weird, and no one else is having these feelings on a daily basis. And the fact of the matter is – you are weird. You’re strange – odd…actually if I was to be completely honest you are probably Norman Bates level mental…but other people don’t have to know that!

Here are a few top tips that I have gleaned over my tenure as a full-time sociopath, which are sure to help you fit in and walk among the muggles undetected:

1. Nod, and smile when people are talking (even if you don’t understand what is going on):

Nod Smile GIF

You can throw in a few “ahhh I see”s for good measure – even though you don’t see anything at all. Just keep nodding, and smiling…nodding and smiling…people will tell other people you are a good listener, and ironically subsequently a great conversationalist!

2.  Say “oh my God” instead of an actual well-thought out reply:

Oh my God GID

There’s really no need for any other reply these days, not unless you want to have the possibility of saying something weird like your actual sick thoughts. Instead stick to the script…just alter the pitch and pronunciation of the “oh my God”  to suit whichever situation you may find yourself in; shock, sadness, humor, joy – whatever, whenever – you’re golden.

3. Reply with “it’s fine, don’t worry about it” when someone wrongs you terribly:

Fine GIF

Let’s get this straight – it’s definitely not fine, and you will carry around this bitterness for the rest of your life like a heavy noose around your neck…but never mind – it’s…fine. I mean you may need counselling and perhaps some form of radical electric shock treatment years from now – but until then…you’re fine…no really, you’re fine. 

4. Whistle a tune you are literally making up as you go along:

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People who go around whistling are so annoying right? Just wandering about totally in their own world, without a care as to how irritating they are to the entire population of the earth…urgh! But funnily enough by masquerading as one of these rogues you can don the guise of a normal-o! (Please note you will appear normal but will have no friends and your entire family will abandon you.)

5. And finally…always shake stranger’s hands aggressively whilst repeating “I’M NORMAL, I’M NORMAL, I’M NORMAL!” in a shrill tone.

Aggressive Hand Shake GIF

This is the clincher and takes a little bit of practice – fortunately you can train for this in the comfort of your own home (toddlers, cats, and your bed-bound grandmother make for great training apparatus) – remember to truly believe yourself when you shriek “I’M NORMAL!”; after all if you don’t believe yourself, then why would other people?

~~~

And here marks the end of my knowledge on this subject – but if you enact these five simple steps you will be surely well on your way to a life of normality (and repressed feelings)…

…but anyway I’m going to leave this coffee shop now, I think my whistling is starting to anger the rest of the clientele. Good luck, and keep smiling my friends – it’ll be our little secret!

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BRITISH TEA (RIP)

Well my dearly beloved…I had prayed the day would never come – and yet…here it is…I’m saddened to report that I have indeed…sorry I promised myself I wouldn’t cry…

…ahem, I am saddened to report that…I have ran out of tea, and with this dagger to the heart – I have also ran out of hope, I am absolutely beside myself. 

Tea

RIP.

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Don’t EVER Travel!

We all have our own custom-made worries, responsibilities, musings, and quandaries…things we must do, things we dream of doing, and a whole bunch of things we don’t ever even want to think about doing. And it’s because of this that the weight of the world can, at times, get on top of us…and if we’re not careful – overwhelm us completely…

I’m having one of those times at the moment,  I mean I’m fine for the most part – but not fine-fine…like if someone was to ask “how are you?” – I’d still reply with “I’m fine” – but it wouldn’t be entirely truthful, I’d just be sort of going through the usual motions, you know?

Fine GIF

I’m a better liar than Ross though, I think…

That’s what they don’t tell you about leaving home for some far-flung country; the way you feel so feckless, helpless, useless, and a whole load other things with ‘less’ at the end. Apart from bless of course, as it’s no blessing to be away from family in times of need – in fact I’d argue the exact opposite; it’s a fucking curse. 

You feel guilty for not being there, particularly during the more miserable occasions; deaths, illnesses, surgeries – all that fun stuff. But when you do return you realise that everyone is…well…everyone is fine – and that life has been rolling on without you, as it inevitably always will.

That’s the irony, I suppose – you feel selfish for being away from loved ones, and yet when you come back you feel selfish for believing you were so necessary to people’s daily survival that your homecoming should have been on a Jesus level…that the very sight of you should have cured all of the woes people had been suffering in your absence…that you were the missing piece, and now you’ve been found again – so let’s rejoice and have a thousand wines, or you know, whatever Jesus did*…

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Artist’s rendition*

Either way, life’s not like that. It would be great if it was – but it isn’t, and that is hard to deal with. We have to make our decisions, and live with the consequences; “happily ever after” is just a narrow and simple-minded fallacy that seeks to act as a blanket statement to cover over all of life’s hidden intricacies and complexities…all of the pain, and suffering…all of the worry, and remorse…basically all of the things that mean you truly care, all of the things that make you a living, breathing, and feeling human.

Sucks to be you, sorry mate…I’m sure you’ll be fine.

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When Depression Strikes.

I’m in a mood, a raging horrible mood – but it’s not my fault because you can’t blame me for the fact that everyone around me is a fucking moron. Can you? No. So there we have it. Also you can’t blame me for the fact that the person who made this chair I am sat in intentionally made it too high to slouch properly in, and too low to sit without hurting your back – well done fuckhead you messed it up in each and every possible way, congratulations. And you can’t blame me for making this fucking table which appears to be designed so that the user constantly lashes their knees off it whenever they decide to, oh I don’t know…move.

Oh God GIF

Imagine if your job is to design furniture…why would you design a steaming great pile of shit claiming it is ready for sale, and be happy to put your name to it? Wouldn’t you be embarrassed and ashamed of such a lousy lump of dog shit?

Perhaps they are  all watching me now, perhaps this is all some secret TV prank stunt bullshit, hahaha, let’s see if this sucker puts up with this fun-house carnival style seating arrangement! Oh the laughs, oh the giggles! Fucking bastards. Hate shit like that, can’t you just leave people alone and let them live in peace? Oh no, have to make your programme…have to make your viral vid. Scumbags.

So yes blatantly everyone is working  fucking extra hard to piss me off today, that much is clear. And yes I’ve had a lot of coffee but that has nothing to do with how irritable I may appear to be. Sorry, but why is there still a ‘MERRY CHRISTMAS!’ sign up in the corner of the cafe? It’s fucking June. Fucking dumb-asses – if I was to ask could they explain it? You may as well spit in Santa’s face, what disrespect – after all he has done over the years, and this is how you treat him? Should be bitterly ashamed. Christmas is cancelled for everyone working in this coffee shop, give them some coal and make them eat it. 

And why do old people talk so loudly during conversations – well shit, just in general? I’m not even sure if the women to my right are even together…because each and every one of them is talking at the same time – like, don’t they know the social conventions of a conversation, huh? Or did they forget that at some point? It’s supposed to be one person speaks, and when they stop it’s another person’s turn – not “ARRRR-BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH” x fucking 3 all at the same fucking time! And what is up with old people having afros? I have never understood that. But perhaps that’s a different point altogether, I don’t know. 

Can't Handle GIF

I started doing pretend typing for a bit there because some guy was staring at me and I didn’t know where to look. So I just ksdojasdopsadkaskljasdjksdankjasdnjksdakasdksa, until I sensed that he had sat down and had finally remembered that it’s rude to gawk at people you don’t know. No fucking Christmas for him either, coal for him too. 

And why do people take selfies? Okay obviously  I know why, but there is no humiliation in it any more. I really miss embarrassment, it kept people humble. My laptop just tried to change selfies to selfless, oh the fucking bitter irony.

If I had a rope I would probably lynch the horrible fuck to my left who is screaming down the phone to some sorry sap. He’s slapping the table with every sentence, as if it is fucking punctuation or something – well I wonder how he would like an ellipses of hammer blows to his skull? Probably wouldn’t be fond of that.

Murder GIF

Ahh, I feel a little better. If only people would stop slamming the door. God, I hate people – well no, I love people – I just hate each and every person in this specific area. How unfortunate that the most annoying people ever created have congregated in one spot. Lucky me.

I need fresh air. Goodbye.

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