How to (Pretend) to be a Human.

I just read through, well attempted to read through – an entire list of things that make up what it means to be the ‘Modern Man’.

Well it should go without saying that it made me violently sick…after all, lists of that kind can only ever be restrictive and judgmental…sort of like; “this is the way you should do things and if you do anything else then you are a massive knob head who no one could possibly ever love.” That’s all I hear anyway – there’s just something off about it, something not quite right. I don’t get why people believe there is a fixed way to behave; what a drearily dull place it would be if we were all just dragging ourselves around humming the same tune and exchanging pleasantries until one day we are in the ground.

Which is why I am creating my own set of principles in which we can all live by as semi-functioning humans…I know, I know – there’s a glaring hypocrisy in all of this, but think of it like religion: mine is completely 100% correct, and all others are a steaming pile of shit. Hmm…did I just compare myself to Jesus? Well, perhaps. That’s for you to decide, although I don’t have a beard which may be a drawback…every good messiah needs a beard. Dammit. Fell at the first hurdle…urgh – but still yes, listen to what I have to say (please). 

ANYWAY. So,  every good human needs to keep a few things in mind as they go about their business otherwise he/she will likely be burned at the stake or cast out into the wilderness and banished from the office kingdom. Thankfully I have the scoop on what these criteria are, so you have no reason to worry. The chances of the aforementioned happening to you are now a lot slimmer*…you’re welcome. 

1.) Every human needs to be able to pretend to be a “Good Loser” – (whatever that is…)

Good Job GIF

Remember that life is about loss – we lose our child-like fascination, we lose our hope, we lose our hair, and then we lose our marbles…so you sure as hell better get used to losing. Consequently mastering sentences such as “Oh that’s great.”, “I’m so happy for you.”, or “You are absolutely amazing!” when you lose, or someone else achieves something, is vital for your survival…bonus points are awarded if you do it without a sarcastic tone or aggressive bestial snarl…advanced humans will also master the art of refraining from puncturing the winner’s tires, or throwing a brick through their window (although it is understood this is rather difficult to avoid at times). 

2.) Every human needs to pretend to only have community-approved obsessions:

Weirdo GIF

For some unknown reason some obsessions are deemed okay, and others are thought of as psychopathic…and often verge on the criminal side of things. For example if you announce you are “obsessed” with Game of Thrones, or with collecting fridge magnets – you may be thought of as pretty typical, or at worst quirky. However if you were to cheerfully let people know that you like catching, skinning and disemboweling vermin around your city, and occasionally attempt botched  Frankenstien-esque experiments on them…you are suddenly branded as a “weirdo”. It’s a strange world, and one I don’t particularly understand – but sadly that’s reality: some obsessions are okay, and some aren’t. You can check if your obsession is regarded as peculiar by practicing on strangers in the street…just walk up and let them know – if they run away as soon as you start talking, then it’s probably best to keep that one to yourself.

3.) Every human should pretend the internet is a bad thing:

Hate Computers GIF

This is one that baffles researchers everywhere but again appears to be a trend that cannot be shaken…despite the clear evidence that the internet is absolutely fantastic, most humans enjoy divulging the conclusion that they hate Facebook, or that they are sick of Twitter, or that Wikipedia is awful…usually this is told across some form of social media which only creates even more confusion. So even though you likely spend a tremendous deal of time watching great YouTube videos, or you learn something new everyday thanks to Google, or you never have to leave the house to buy stuff because of a whole host of online stores…it is best that you claim everything to the contrary. The most typical lines are; “I hate Instagram – why do I want to see people’s food? I don’t care if they starve or not.”, “I absolutely hate getting music for free, why can’t we just pay for the album which only has one good song on, like the good old days?!” and my personal favourite – “if it wasn’t for the internet, I would have written 400 best selling novels by now!” 

4.) Every human should pretend they never ever see difference, because no one is different:

Copy GIF

Yes we look different, yes we live in different places, yes we have been brought up in different cultures, yes we speak different languages, and yes we are blatantly different…but listen to me clearly; we are not different. Say it with me…“WE ARE NOT DIFFERENT.” Well done, great job – now say it with a more confident tone, you don’t sound like you believe it.

And you must, it is paramount to every human remaining in good favor. To suggest otherwise is to face the firing squad. Even if you embrace difference as a clear positive thing, in which we can all come together as a global community and learn from one another – you are still considered to be an enormous prick who doesn’t deserve friends. You are boxing people in, and it’s rude to put people in boxes (it’s cramped and there is poor lighting). 

5.) Every human should pretend their current job was always their dream job:

Ken GIF

Do you remember when you were a lot younger and you dreamed of the adult days which would be whiled away without rules, and limitations…where every day would be filled with aspirations waiting to be met, and ambitions waiting to be embraced…where you would spend the morning eating your weight in bacon, but still looking amazing, and then spend the afternoon rapping your latest hot single to thousands of adoring fans…possibly in the evening you may fit in a stand up show if you can be bothered to drag yourself away from your hot tub…yeah? Sounds great, right!?

WELL NO IT DOES NOT – THAT WAS A TRICK QUESTION, IT SOUNDS DREADFUL.

What you actually find as you grow from a smaller more positive human to a larger and more miserable version of a human, is that all of that was an illusion and you didn’t ever want it in the first place; and that coincidentally what you really wanted was to take calls from angry old ladies, get screamed at by a moron boss, and spend every morning weeping. So please at least pretend to tow the line…keep it on the low if you are doing anything that brings colour to your life, and certainly don’t openly wish for something more…apart from winning the lottery, people are allowed to do that apparently…

Done GIF

So there you have it, you are looking more like a regular human already! I can sense the dissatisfaction in your attitude, the redness in your eyes, and the look of desperation in your furrowed brow! Great job! Go forth and repress yourself!

*you could still be burned at the stake, sent out in exile, or find yourself friend-less – Storytime with John offers no guarantees. 

www.facebook.com/storytimewithjohn

www.youtube.com/storytimewithjohn101

Please buy my collection of stories! Get it in paperback here – or on Kindle here! ALL proceeds go towards Macmillan Cancer Support!

Unpretty Cheater with Brother!

You may or may not know, that there is a new hit talent show in South Korea named ‘Unpretty Rapstar’…it’s an interesting concept as (I assume) it centers more on talent, and less on looks – which is somewhat of a big deal in a country that’s so focused on the importance of physical beauty.

The girls still look attractive to me, but never mind…

CHeetah GIF

Anyway in one of my tutor classes last week, my 13 year old student brought it up – and I was over the moon that for once I understood the Korean pop culture reference! We had a broken conversation about it for a little while…before his eyes lit up, and his arms begin to flap frenetically like a mad baby chick attempting to fly the nest! Clearly he had something to say, something urgent! 

“Myyy…myy…ARGH! MY…hmmm…” 

(There was obviously a violent joust going on inside of his head, as he attempted to force an English description out of his mouth! But what? No idea…but I knew one thing… it certainly seemed interesting…whatever it was…)

“ERRRR…BROTHER…OLDER…AAAAARGHHH!”

Harry Frustration GIF

“Your older brother? You mean, older friend?” 

“YES, YES! Older brother…with…together…AARRGHH!” 

He took to his phone, in search of further assistance – and within seconds pulled up a photo of the show…and then pointed out one in particular – to which I nodded; signifying I sort of recognise her…

“OLDER BROTHER…WITH…”

“Yes, YES?!” 

(I was clinging on to every single word!)

“CHEAAATER!”

Cheeetah GIF

“WHOA! Really?! Together…but cheated?”

“YES!!!”” he screeched, clearly happy with my overzealous reaction,

“Before…before show – with…now…CHEATER!”

I tried to hold my ooohs, and aaahs – my huge gasps of shock at the tabloid smut news! I had just received a major scoop – which is such a turn around; as for once I was one of the in-the-know people, rather than the last-to-know people! I didn’t really know what to say, or do…so I just shook my head, and kept saying something dumb like…“that’s crazy! How crazy! …that’s crazy!” 

“Yes! Crazy!” he repeated,

That’s when he ran another search, and placed his phone in my hands for a second time…yup, and there she was – the guilty party, still looking smug, and self-confident…unbelievable, the things fame does to people…jheez… 

But my excitable student wasn’t finished just yet, as he then pointed towards the text below the image…which read something like: ‘Unpretty Rapstar: Cheetah’…

(Ahem…yes, the penny had well, and truly dropped!)

Nodss GIF

“CRAZY, CRAZY! My older brother…with, no…SAW – Cheetah! On show!”

“Ahhhh, right. Wow…that’s…erm…mhmmm! That is…something…”

So yeah, it turns out that the true story was a lot less dramatic – and in reality it was all down to another rather typical misunderstanding…very sorry Cheetah…I’m sure you’re a lovely lady really, and not a cheater! Good luck with the show…

…AND STAY AWAY FROM MY BROTHERS!!!

www.facebook.coms/storytimewithjohn

www.youtube.com/storytimewithjohn101

Please buy my collection of stories! Get it in paperback here – or on Kindle here! ALL proceeds go towards Macmillan Cancer Support!

Feels Good to be a Gangsta

FINALLY! My super top-secret, massively illegal, and deep down, dastardly plan is almost complete! It’s been a long time in the making, but it was good to see my super mysterious confidant (Allan Still – real name, Margaret Smithson) come through for me.

Email Winner

I trust you guys, which is why I am letting you in on this little hustle. You may have noted that my code name is “Attn”, it’s what I’m known as in the streets you see…it stands for, errr…“Astronaut Trout Trouble Neanderthal”  – because one time I punched a guy so hard, he thought he had went into space, and now he talks like a trout…just sitting in a chair bubbling away to himself.

Anyway, if you want to be involved then all you need to do is send your name, address, telephone, blood type, and left lung to the “Delivery Agent” (wink, wink, nudge, nudge, he-he-he)  listed above. Cheers! See you in prison soon! 

www.facebook.com/storytimewithjohn