Express Yourself…

BFF – LOL- ERRRRRRRRRRRR…

Expression.jpg

Tried not to be freaked out by these faceless clones…after all it’s not their fault that Marks & Spencers are so out of touch with what it is to be “down with the kids’!

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How to NOT do Halloween Make-Up!

So I tried to follow one of those ‘How To Do Halloween Make-Up!’ things…and well, it didn’t work out great…it wasn’t as easy as they tried to make it seem – BELIEVE ME! Check this out for proof, I’m sorry in advance…

Oh, and if you have a video request you can leave a comment, or send me an email – if it’s a cool/interesting idea then I will get to it as soon as I can!

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Please buy my collection of stories! Get it in paperback here – or on Kindle here! ALL proceeds go towards Macmillan Cancer Support!

Plastic Surgery (강남 언니)

One thing that makes me a wee bit uncomfortable about South Korea is the whole plastic surgery thing – they are easily ahead with the highest per capita rate of cosmetic plastic surgery in the world. But it’s not really the fact that it is so popular that freaks me out…I mean live, and let live, right? I know I have parts of myself I wouldn’t mind changing (the McDonalds forehead wrinkles, and wonky rugby player looking nose to name two!) The problem I have is that there appears to be only one accepted “style” that people go for…and that because of this it’s simply recreated, again, and again, and again…so much so that the rather offensive stereotype of “every Asian looking the same” – quite literally becomes true when you walk around in Gangnam, Korea. (As bad as I know that sounds.)

In fact things are so uniform on that front that it  takes no imagination for me to envisage an experienced surgeon doing all of the alterations with his eyes closed…just leaning back in a chair, while his hunchbacked assistant throws people on his conveyor belt one after another…shifting the forehead, elongating the nose, widening the eyes, sharpening the jaw…

“That’ll be a gazillion dollars please and thank you – now go and be a star, off you pop!”

Plastic Sameness GIF

I don’t get why you would want to be uniform, and fit in…at least not so much you would alter your entire appearance to do so – these people are beautiful just as they are, so it absolutely baffles me!

That’s why I want to give the message that I  strongly encourage people to stand out, and be different – after all, YOU ARE ALREADY EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU – so it’s simply easier that way! However if you must get surgery than I wish people would get something that differentiates you from your contemporary counterparts…an alteration that truly sets you apart.

Such as (and not limited to):

  • Shifting your eyes to where your cheeks are – so you can look at food more closely as it goes into your mouth. This will no doubt make the eating experience a lot more enjoyable.
  • Moving one ear to the back of your head – so that no one can ever speak behind your back, and if they do you can hear every word.
  • Getting a hand attached to your forehead so you can easily wipe away sweat, or keep your hair in check on a windy day.
  • Attaching extra skin to your chin, so you can use it as a fashionable scarf during casual occasions, or emergency rope when you are in dire need.
  • Putting an extra mouth on your thigh, so when people say “put your money where your mouth is!” you can insult them and make them look dumb. (Great party trick!)

So yeah, I feel these changes serve much more of a purpose, and at the very least no one can ever call you a sheep. So please take it as it is meant  – not as some smear campaign…more as a few words of wise advice.

Korean Gun GIF

UHHHH-OHHHHH…I HAD NO IDEA SHE WAS ANGRY YOUR HONOR, HER EYEBROWS DIDN’T MOVE!!!

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HOW NOT TO FACE-PAINT 101!

So this week we had a “fun day” for the kids because there’s a Korean children’s holiday coming up soon! We sang songs, did some arts and crafts, and there was even a magician! Such laughs, such jokes, such jolly good fun! 

Then a big horrible monster of a man ruined it. As soon as he came bursting in a dark cloud was cast above the classroom…thunder and lightning began to crack, and air became cold. The beast spared no one…scarring both faces and minds alike – with simple strokes of a paint brush. Ruining childhoods, and lives with every ignorant flick of his accursed wrist.

Here is a picture of one of the survivors…he’s still alive, but who knows what degree of mental damage has been done?

Face Painting

I’m sorry, so so sorry…what’s worse is this was 100% my best effort. I’m surprised the parents haven’t came around to my home with flaming torches and pitchforks…

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Japanese Faces

I just read of a Japanese proverb which goes something like; “you have three faces, – the first you show the world, the second you show to those closest to you, and the third you never show anyone…this is the truest reflection of yourself.”

Mirror CK GIF

 What do you think about that?

Well I’m not so sure, people often bandy around the expression “two faced” with differing levels of severity; ranging from iconic comic book villain, to your husband/wife sleeping with the neighbour for twenty years. But the truth is we all wear a whole host of different masks – we are each our own personal halloween costume store, and we pick and choose a different guise as and when necessary.

For your viewing pleasure why don’t you take a little tour around my little internal shop? Let’s see what you may find! :

1. The “I just ate an entire large pizza by myself, but I’m not even sorry” face:

Pizza GIF

2. The “what you said wasn’t remotely funny, but I’m trying to spare your feelings” face:

Fake Smile GIF

3. The “why are you distracting me from writing with YouTube videos?” face:

Distraction GIF

4The “hello little old lady, I promise I’m not one of those hooligan/thug kids you hear about” face:

Innocent Smile GIF

5. The “kindergarten teacher” face, aka – the “John Lee Taggart”:

Kindergarten Teacher  GIF

Clearly there are many, many, many more…but I am sure there are other stores to visit, and perhaps you are a little peckish – so off you pop, and come again soon! I get a new collection of masks every month! 

But what about you? Come onnnnnn…honesty is the best policy!

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Please buy my collection of stories! Get it in paperback here – or on Kindle here! ALL proceeds go towards Macmillan Cancer Support!