Everyday Expressions

There are a whole lot of phrases and idioms that I feel like we can all do without…I mean just because we are used to using them, and they have been around for a while doesn’t make them any less silly, or in some cases non-sensical! 

Here’s a little list of everyday expressions that I think we could all manage perfectly fine without! 

“I’ve got some skeletons in my closet…”

Creepy Skeleton GIF

This one has always bugged me, especially as a kid as it gave me the heebie-jeebies…I mean the insinuation is that someone has dead bodies in their closet, just sitting there. Rather morbid I’m sure you’d agree. But moral implications aside, wouldn’t people suspect you immediately when you are walking around in clothes that smell like corpses?! Wouldn’t be a big secret past for long! Yeeesh!

Suggestion: “I’ve done some things in the past I’m not proud of.” OR “I’ve killed many people, and I’m a little tardy with the cleanup – so now I have a load of skeletons in my closet. It’s truly embarrassing – can we go to your house instead?” 

“That’s really unique…”

Unique GIF

That odd looking fella at the bus stop, the mole on your aunt’s face, the unexplained growth on your groin – they are all unique, and one of a kind! So because of this, the description of their uniqueness cannot be assisted or amplified by any other word – they’re either unique, or they’re not. So we can throw out the use of; so, quite, really, very, etc and every other adverb of degree as they simply don’t make sense.

Suggestion: That’s unique.” (Now take a photo)

“I’m not gonna lie…”

No Lies Please GIF

Oh wait…so you have to make a little disclaimer before you say whatever it is you are about to say? I’ve been listening to your drivel and just assuming you are not a morally corrupt sith lying through your teeth…but now I doubt everything you have said before this point! It’s the same premise when people ask if you want “the honest truth” – like…WHUT?!

Suggestion: “I’m usually a massive liar – you’ve watched Pinocchio, right? Well it’s based on my past life as a professional bullshitter…but this time around I’m telling the truth. Maybe.”

“Needless to say…”

For Fuck's Sake GIF

If it’s truly needless to say, then why are you saying it? Why do you have this innate need – this unbelievably strong compulsion to just say it anyway?! Can we just sit in silence, or can you perhaps make me a cake or something? I’d probably like you a lot more if you were to do that.

Suggestion: Nothing…like literally, nothing. 

“It was a mutual agreement…”

Head in Hands GIF

An agreement is two people agreeing…and as they agreed on something, we can correctly assume that they had a mutual understanding (hehe, see what I did there?) on the subject of their agreement with one another. Urgh, my head hurts.

Suggestion: “We talked for a bit, and then agreed.”

“If someone would have told me 10 years ago, I’d be doing ____, I would never have believed them…”

Freaked Out GIF

If someone walked up to you in the middle of the street, presumably with a cape and a crystal ball – spouting out forecasts for your future, and telling of omens on what will be…well you would rightly be a little nervous. You’d probably run away, or at the very least pretend to be too engrossed in your earphones to hear what was been said. You may even beat the lady with her broom, and add another to the closet, who knows? 

Suggestion: “I know this is going to sound totally pretentious and self-involved, but my life is way more awesome than I could have ever expected 10 years ago! Seriously, I mean look at me – I am fucking fantastic.”

“You’re the apple of my eye…”

Bacon GIF

I feel like this used to work perhaps…you know back in the day when you would get an apple and an orange in your Christmas stocking – but now? No way. There are just way better things in regular circulation that would serve as better metaphorical comparisons to the feeling of true love!

Suggestion: “I love you! You are the bacon double cheeseburger of my eye!”

(SEE! The GIF makes sense after all!)

Anyway my friends, that’s all I’ve got…but did I miss any? Can you think of some more that should have made the list?! 

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The Facebook You

Thanks to the dear old internet we all know and love, we live a rather strange and abstract state of being. A one filled with more tricks than the mightiest of magicians. And just like the illusionist we are constantly revealing only select parts of ourselves, but refusing to show the whole thing to anyone…for fear we are unveiled as a fraud. Someone who won’t be accepted. Someone who won’t be loved…

Crying Alone GIF

But despite this people are often told “just be yourself!” – which is all well and good…but what if we suck? What if we truly act in ways that are in line with our true nature…and people reject us for it? What then? Just keep going on that path of loneliness till we die?

That’s our internal voice speaking…and in the age of the internet it is louder than ever, and moreover is listened to a lot more too. So to combat this we crop, cut, and reorder our life…selecting only the best parts of our existence to share with the rest of the world – and stifling the rest. Praying it’ll never be made public! I mean the shame of it all if someone found out something awful…

…like not giving two shits about fucking cute kitten videos.

Kittens GIF

People should just be honest – if you hate the sound of  babies laughing, and enjoy chewing on your hair…just state it! No one will think you are weird, I promise!

www.facebook.com/storytimewithjohn

www.youtube.com/storytimewithjohn101

Please buy my collection of stories! Get it in paperback here – or on Kindle here! ALL proceeds go towards Macmillan Cancer Support!

REJOICE MANKIND!

I HAVE SOME FANTASTIC NEWS FOR YOU! NEW, AND VERY SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH FROM MY KINDERGARTEN CLASS! BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU READ PEOPLE!

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www.facebook.com/storytimewithjohn

www.youtube.com/storytimewithjohn101

Please buy my collection of stories! Get it in paperback here – or on Kindle here! ALL proceeds go towards Macmillan Cancer Support!