Posted on by Storytime with John

KIDS MAKE ME SICK.

Kids make me sick. And, no, not just uncomfortable, or a little bit queasy – but down right, pit of the stomach, SICK. It’s just something that they do that can turn that “thank God it’s Friday!” feeling, into “thank God I didn’t eat a large greasy breakfast”…let me run you through Friday’s events real quick ~

So I’m sitting in my kindergarten class, going through one of the books – most of the kids say that it is “easy peas” (they’re Korean so cut them some slack on the misuse of the phrase!), however one of the boys struggles with learning difficulties, so I’m giving him a little bit of extra help. That’s when I hear the long whine that I hear about 3000 times a day (approximately): “Teeeeeeeaaaacccccherrr? Oh, Teaaaaaachhherrrr? Teeaaaaachherrr! TEAAAA-“

“Oh my GOH…WHAT?”

As I turn in a fit of rage (but still trying to maintain a pleasant kindergarten-esque smile), I see a horrendous sight. A six year old boy. With his arms outstretched, a crayon in each hand, has the squelchiest sick ever seen ALL down his front. He stares at me without blinking. I look him up and down, examining the new addition to his teddy bear t-shirt, in sheer disgust. This most certainly was not in the job description.

SHOCKER GIF

That’s when I suddenly realise I shouldn’t make a big deal out of it, so I walk around to his table, with as close to a reassuring face as I can muster. “Don’t worry, we’ll get you, WHOA, WOW”, that’s when I almost slide over on the mixture of rice(?) and carrot(?) that is right by his chair. So I pull him up without looking at it again and walk him out. (For some reason he still holds his arms out, holding the crayons, as if crucified in a state of shock).

I explain as best as I can to the assistant teacher outside, she nods and hands me some face wipes. FACE WIPES?! Perhaps I had some on my face? Did he projectile vomit all over me? Maybe I am in a similar state of shock, so I don’t realise? Not sure…oh no, scratch that! She’s gesturing that I should clean it up with them. Fantastic stuff. Thank God, it’s Friday.

So as I drag myself back into the room, which we can now refer to as, “THE PIT OF STENCH”, the other kids are going crazy, waving their hands over their noses at a frenetic pace and squealing in weird excitement; accompanied with the putrid smell, it is all making me very dizzy. Anyway, duty beckons – so begrudgingly I kneel down next to the specimen, I don’t want to seem like I’m scared of a little bit of…“URGAAAH” I yelp unintentionally…I’d forgotten just how gross the sight was. Of course onlookers think it is hilarious…I force myself on, and get out a few of the face wipes (like seriously though, what the hell?), and attempt to mop it up, I am of course, ill-equipped, and the sloppy goo seeps over the top of the wet tissue and floods between my fingers, “URGAAAAHHHHHHHH!”

Disgusting GIF

I am now convulsing and retching uncontrollably, gasping for fresh air, only to be met with more of the same foul odor – again, onlookers think it is the funniest thing they’ve seen since Despicable Me 2. 

“What’s wrong Teacher?” someone sniggers

“Well…I think that should be obvious – I am wiping up sick with my bare hands” I mutter,

“What Teaaaacher?”

I go for a change of tactic and pick up some of the sturdy flash cards we have for vocabulary, by chance it is “meat” and “story” that will be giving me a hand. I crouch back down and scoop it up, using meat as a makeshift plate and story as a knife to scrape it on to. (I’m basically the Bear Grylls of the kindergarten classroom.) I then push them together like the grossest Subway sandwich ever, and walk out of the classroom trying my best not to look at the contents of my hands. The assistant gives me a look that says something along the lines of “ohhhh, I would have did it…you have done it already? Oh, okay! Never mind!”

I decided to keep the offender out of playroom time, we sat and played on my phone quite happily. I was hoping he would be some kind of prodigy and beat my high score for me. He didn’t. But I didn’t let that get me down – thank God it’s Friday, right? Right. After the playroom time is up we all skip out and BLURAAAAGGGGGHHHH. Round two, all on a carpet this time.

Back in class again. (WHY ARE THEY NOT CALLING HIS PARENTS?) And we are trying to take it easy, coincidentally we are writing and drawing about good manners, I ask the offender for an example of polite etiquette – he answers “sitting nicely?” It’s a great answer! Isn’t it funny how we can always give good advice to each other, but don’t exactly follow it ourselves? Anyway, I digress.

It’s getting close to lunch time, it’s one of those watching the clock days.That’s when round three comes in, it’s exhausting to even recall it. And it’s putting me off my coffee even now, two days later.  But to say it was explosive would be an understatement. This child is like four foot or something and he basically has a river of vomit flooding from his mouth, where is it all coming from? I’ll say it like this, I had time to look at every kid’s facial reaction in the time that it took for him to finish. I could see this was scarring them for life. Good to know I wasn’t the only one.

I picked him up with one arm and grabbed his bag with the other. I then told the assistant to call his Mother, immediately. I don’t like to come off rude ever…but the new reservoir of sick that I had in my classroom was starting to distract the others just a little.

For some reason, he was still sat there when I returned from lunch. Whatever happened to three strikes and you’re out?! He wanted to play, and call me a “silly Grandpa man” when his vomit was probably still under my fingernails. Come on man, have a heart.

Alright GIF

And that is why kids make me sick.

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476 Replies to “KIDS MAKE ME SICK.”

  4. oh you poor thing!!!…I can’t press ‘like’ because as much as I smiled reading this post it also made me feel sick!!! -soooo descriptive! (I hope the little boy is feeling better now…) and why on earth did they not send him home straight away?!?! and surely there must be some cleaning staff that could have taken care of the vomit…stay out of it! take care now x

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      1. Unfortunately you are correct, I have seen that stuff shoot across a room. Recently on a car trip my nephew missed the passenger seat and hit the front windscreen while my brother was driving.

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  6. Oh my goodness. I just laughed outloud for a really long time. “Scarring them for life” “I’m basically the Bear Grylls of the kindergarten classroom.” “Grossest Subway sandwich ever.” “I’d forgotten just how gross the sight was.” “For some reason he still holds his arms out, holding the crayons, as if crucified in a state of shock” Awww man – I need a tissue, I’m crying. I just called my mom out of her office to read it.

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  7. Reblogged this on Clothed with Joy and commented:
    In a pool of mediocrity occasionally you come across a written piece of work, so true and so stinkin’ funny that you cry. I’m going to be laughing all day over this one. If you have taught children, parent children, occasionally spent time in the presence of children – you’re gonna get this… Enjoy, it’s worth the four minutes of your life. -Rebecca

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  9. Well, well, well… Choosing to ‘follow’ you was an easy decision after reading this HILARIOUS look into a day in the life of a Kindergarten teacher! Thank you for the countless number of giggles, John! I look forward to reading more from you!

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  11. I did some day care work in college, trying desperately to keep both ends dry and at least one end in the pampers. That’s why in my teaching career I would only do secondary. Never had to worry about accidentally diapering a face again. Did find out there are worse things to clean up than vomit and poop, though.

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  13. Hahahahahaa!!! I just fell down laughing at this!!! I was a teacher 3 years back for 2 long years!! A primary School teacher :p (Not any more, this days i am a Social Media Strategist – trust me its not as classy as it sounds 😉 )!!! You made those memories so fresh!!!

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  15. This post makes me re-think how much I loathe working in an office. At worst, my colleague only spills her coffee. Never her cookies. I hope you’re now better prepared for the next time a small-fry upchucks their weight in breakfast, lunch and dinner. If not, it’s time to invest in a haz-mat suit and gas mask.

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    1. There are pros and cons I suppose, haha! But you’re right, I doubt you would be expected to clean up after your office colleagues if this did happen! Good idea about the suit…hmm…I’ll check ebay…

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  16. Hi John. Loved your story. Though I can’t relate in the manner you experienced, I can in the way you suggest your Mother did, even though I’m a father. It’s simply amazing how much vomit a small child can accumulate, and share, over and over. Even with this episode, I suspect you’re really enjoying yourself. Cheers. Jerrie

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    1. haha, thanks for reading Jerrie! In between the bouts of sickness and God knows what else, I am still enjoying it…says something doesn’t it? With that said they say sharing is caring ~ but I’m not so sure in that case!

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  18. This. This is just amazing! I myself am a kindergarten teacher so I can relate. Though I’ve never had the same kid get sick that often. Yuck! Once the new school year starts I’m hoping to blog some of my stories as well. I teach kids with emotional and behavioral disorders so I sometimes come home with some interesting things to say the least.

    Thanks for sharing!

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    1. Let’s form a support group or something? We need this! haha, you will have all kinds of tales no doubt ~ my Dad used to work in a school like that and always had an interesting tale to tell, definitely tough, but interesting! I’ll hope to hear some of these stories soon!!!!

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  20. Oh gosh, I thought being asked to wipe their bum was a bit much when I had a group of 4 year olds, (which I refused to do) lol! I would have never cleaned that up! Sorry, not in my job description, heehee. Bless you, you are a Saint! 🙂 i hope you get paid a great wage for that kind of dedication.

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  21. That reminded me of my early teaching years. A little girl came up to me on the playground and mumbled something. I squated to get eye level and leaned forward to make out what she was saying, just in time to have her vomit in my face, all over my head and all the way down my almost waist length hair. Needless to say, I went home a little early that day.
    The last schools I taught in had clean-up bins in each room with kitty litter and disposable gloves. They were for sanitation, but I counted them as teacher sanity bins.

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    1. hahaha wowwwww, if this was a game of chess you just put my story in check mate! Hilarious, but so bad! I feel your pain! I need to get me one of those bins, or at the very least some sanity…haha…

      Thanks for reading and sharing that crazy story!

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  22. Oh, dear me. 🙂

    I’m pretty sure, for the record, nobody has ever NOT called me when my kids have been sick at school (though that was just once). They seemed pretty keen to ship the child home, or at least off, and they supposed it should be home.

    I hope everyone else was ok the following week?

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    1. haha, that is usually how it works right? But for some reason the young chap just wouldn’t go! Thankfully it was a Friday so they all came back right as rain on Monday (I couldn’t have handled round 2!)

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  23. First, let me say I am glad you enjoyed my tractor post–it is one of the least thought out posts I have ever written. Second, no way could I teach little kids. No way absolutely. However, I teach high school and really, really like teenagers. Never a dull moment and I never have to clean up vomit and never have someone yell “TEEEEacher”. Most people prefer little kids. Your post gave me several new reasons to prefer teenagers. Plus, at least one student a year gets in the habit of yelling at me down the hall, “Hey, gorgeous!” Who could resist that!!

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    1. No problem, I can’t believe it wasn’t well thought out, I enjoyed it! haha I used go teach older ones but they have such an attitude, can be very annoying!

      You’ve got it good! With me I’m either handsome or grotesque, there doesn’t seem to be any middle ground! Arghhhh there goes my self esteem!

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      1. You have no idea how much—-I needed a laugh today, unfortunately at your expense of course. You got me with the title, because I was expecting you to be one of those people that just hate children for no good reason at all, but once I saw where you were coming from and the fact that you are a teacher, I immediately felt for you, was proud of you, and agreed with you all at the same time—thanks for sharing 😉

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      2. haha that’s great, you just made my day! I was hoping the title would do that, that people would think I was a mad kid hater…not the case unless I’m put in this situation, haha!

        Thanks for reading, I’m honored!

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  27. I laughed so hard, sorry you had to deal with that. I’m a mother and so glad he is now a young man of 20. No more wiping up messes from him being sick! I imagine some day when I am a grandma that I will be more than happy to wipe up my grandchildren’s messes or just turn around and give the little tike back to his parents. Thanks for the laugh!

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    1. Yeah, there is something wrong if you were still contending with this situation at age 20! haha, I’m sure you’ve had your fair share as a Mother ~ not fun at all!

      I’m glad you enjoyed reading my tale of woe!

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  33. Love it!!!!!!!!!!!! I myself have had my fair share of these disasters with my daycare children and believe me it never gets any easier. You at least can add some humor to it which I will remember the next time I am cleaning up a mess like this.
    Thank You 🙂

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  37. haha oh gosh! When you said kids make u sick , i thought, i have to read this. how can anyone say kids make them puke?! i certainly give u credit for trying to clean it up, and going back ! Its more than I would have been able to handle !!

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  38. Hysterical! The graphic quality of your description is making me laugh and grimace. Incidentally, I thought I was already following you but no. I have rectified that. Thanks for all your support of First Night Design – much appreciated. The ‘like button isn’t loading…grrr!

    Liked by 1 person

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    1. No problem, hopefully I can see more of what you’ve got going on there!

      Happy I could make you laugh, I appreciate your kind words…still can’t get the image out of my head, but at least some good came of it! haha!

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  45. I must say, being a child myself and seeing the title of your story, I felt compelled to take a look at it. The title depicted in capital letters made your statement ‘kids make me sick’ very adamant. I was perhaps slightly perplexed at why you would ever ‘like’ my story, seeing as how I am a ‘kid’, people that make you ‘sick’. After reading your story, though, I found myself corrected my initial suspicions. It sounds like a very unfortunate event indeed. I cannot say I relate to your experience, but you have my deepest condolences. I hope to read more of your work.
    –Lola Elvy

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    1. haha, Lola I am glad you realised I am not really a kids hater! I love kids really…I don’t care for cleaning up sick, but hey I doubt I’m the only one!

      Oh and I’ll take all the sympathy I can get! haha!

      Thanks for reading, I’ll be following you now too!

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  47. I actually think kids are awesome. Though I have a secret: I feel that way as long as they aren’t mine—I used to work at a school—and at the end of the day I have nothing to do with the little rug rats.

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      1. The hard part is that they’re little people, with all the implied BS that comes with it. And I am learning as I get older that I am not particularly fond of peole who aren’t particularly aware of who they are and why they are however they happen to be.

        I expect that from children, and enjoy their presence for it, though I am somewhat intolerant of it in adults.

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  48. Hey thanks for liking my latest post! Which led me here to your blog, home of the puke-fairy no less. Because she visited my small children last week and the week before, I have absolutely no trouble recalling the acidic, stomach-retching assault on the senses you describe. By the time two weeks of yakking-on-the-bed-linen-at-2am was up, I have to admit I was really having to dig deep to still love my children. Hats off to you, it’s hard enough doing this for your OWN children!

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  50. Ah ha haa You know how some people think middle school teachers are crazy? Guess what. Some of us would rather see that insolent middle finger up in the air, than be barfed on. Enjoy!

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