ASS IN FACE (A Gym Story)

I’m not much of a talker at the gym…a nod and smile usually suffices most interactions – as the large majority of people just want to be in and out as soon as possible so the entire ordeal doesn’t drag any longer than necessary…

So like many others I put in my earphones and just silently do my time as if counting down a horrendous prison stretch…each set of exercises representing another etched line on the cell’s walls that leads up to freedom and release to the outside world – where sweaty groins and burning muscle pains are a lot less frequent. Unless you’re a pole dancer I suppose…

Pole Dancer GIF

Anyway that doesn’t stop the chatty Kathys out there unfortunately, or the other talkative people who are not called Kathy for that matter. No Sir! There are still a few bizarre individuals who feel the best time to enter into conversation with strangers is when they are one squat away from being sick all over the dumbbell rack, or one strained leg press from caking their underpants…let me tell you this right now: these people are stupid – they should let people die alone, not interrupt their struggle and offer unwanted opinions on the weather and current events!

It makes me deeply saddened to report that despite being in South Korea I am not immune to these types. Just yesterday one entered my life, and just like herpes once you have a new buddy (even one that is against your will) there is no getting rid and you will have to face it every day. If you are in this situation you have my sympathy – but there is nothing that you, a doctor, or a personal trainer can do about it…you simply have to learn to coexist…errr yeah, I think I lost my train of thought a little…

Metaphor GIF

Also may I add you may hear that a flamethrower will help alleviate this problem – I am not legally at liberty to comment. But…yeah, DO IT. 

Anyway so back to the story – I was sat at a bench, except not a nice bench like a park bench, on which I can do nothing but listen to the birds sing in the trees, and smile at babies who just stare back dumbfounded…no you see this bench is different. On this bench I have to lift up heavy things, without moving them anywhere, and then put them down again…and then repeat. As if I am really indecisive like “hmmm where shall I put this, perhaps over here, perhaps over…err…nah just put it down and think again.” REPEAT, REPEAT, REPEAT! So is the life of the gym goer, and so was my situation in that moment.

So anyway while I was sat there an older but still rather fit looking (as in healthy, settle down you!) lady got right in front of me- despite there being quite literally all of the rest of the gym to stand. She then began some weird very bum orientated moves that I don’t know the name of, there was a lot of gyration going on…too much. They were like squats I suppose but more butt, and each movement was so close to me that I got a bit of a breeze with every rep.,.it made me uncomfortable…very, very uncomfortable…each bum jerk was the equivalent to a sloppy Aunt kiss when you’re 12 years old.

Awkward Workout GIF

Now I’m a nervous fella at the best of the times but I felt like I knew how to deal with this one…so I deployed the good old half a clock method; I simply looked down at my phone, looked left at the Korean drama beaming on a small TV screen, then back to the mirror (looking only at myself…not even a glimpse to the right, oh no!) – and then repeat! You see I didn’t want anyone wagging a finger and shrieking “DID YOU JUST LOOK AT THE BUTT I AM SHOVING IN YOUR FACE?! HOW BLAAADY DARE YOU?! YOU FIEND YOU!” 

Nahhhh, it was far too early for that sort of exchange – so I stuck to my guns. Even when the butt turned around, I stuck to the strategy…even when she stared right at me from two feet away, I tried…even when she began waving her hands in my face…I…well yeah, at that point I had no choice…

“Errr, hello?” I mumbled, removing my earphones which I had been led to believe served as a magical artifact which lets people know you are totally not up for conversation.

“How are ya?!” asked the butt lady, who seemed very keen to know all about me despite my dour expression. I nodded and mumbled something, before remembering my manners (after all I didn’t want to be mean). She then rambled on about something gym related that I didn’t understand at all, so to both change the subject and be kind I thought I’d try a compliment; “wow, you’re English is great by the way!” “Well yeah…I’m American.” she said in a solid monotone. 

“Haha…well that explains that then…”

Awkward Oh GIF

She snapped back from the silence and continued with questions as I wondered when it was socially acceptable to put my earphones back in and continue with my workout. You know, the REASON I am here in the first place! Five minutes passed and that time didn’t seem to come…then ten minutes trickled by….and then I felt I had to make it happen myself, so made my excuses and got my sweaty body out of there, despite not being done.

“See ya tomorrow then John!” 

Argh man…I mean she’s so nice, bless her. But I don’t need a bud every morning at the gym (but now I have one, so oh well) I just need to be in and out! You know, put my body through hell till it cries so maybe, just maybe, I can eat pizza, bacon, and cheese without quite as much guilt as I do when I just have a lie in. I’m not a powerhouse masochist superhero model  type who has ‘NO PAIN NO GAIN’ tattooed across their balls – instead I’m a degenerate blob who isn’t fond of movement across the board, especially (most) movements which make me grunt. ohLIGHTBULB MOMENT! 

What if I grunt really weirdly and say strange things when doing exercises?! Just brainstorming at this point but what about something like; “URGHHYEEEAAAAH, URGHHHH-AHHH-MILKKK, MILKKK, MIIIILKKKKKKKK! OHHHH – YOOLKKKS! EGGYYYYAAAARGHHH!” 

I mean, surely no one will speak to me then? Even people named Kathy…well I’ll give it a go and let you all know…in the mean time enjoy your freedom my friends, unless you’re reading this in the gym – in which case, you have my pity…

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37 thoughts on “ASS IN FACE (A Gym Story)

  1. Hmmmmmmm….am trying not to be offended.
    My name IS Kathy and I have never done butt movements in someone’s face.
    Probably because I don’t go to gym.
    Never have and never will.
    Life is too short to endure self inflicted pain.
    She is one of those Americans who would not believe I am South African because I am white!

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  2. You will need to use the direct approach with this one…you will need to lay it on the line…be kind, but thanks but no thanks, gym time alone time.. maybe repeated over and over will sink in….bummer her name was Kathy. as I am a Kathy, and like you, I feel the gym is a prison, just waiting to be broken out of but we must pay our price first….perhaps her name is spelt with a “C” Cathy…that would make all the difference, those Cathy’s are always obnoxious and hang onto the first person they find in a gym….beware…be very aware……LOL good luck getting rid of your new gym bug…..LOL I am no where as nice as you…..bugger off will ya….works for me….LOL

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  3. Unfortunately, there are just those people who like to talk your ear off at the gym. I give them a few minutes and, while putting my ear phones back in, say “Well, back to work!”. That usually gives them the hint. On the ass in the face situation, there are times and certain machines that put you in an awkward position really close to someone. Key here is to avoid eye contact during the movement. If the gym is not crowded and you still get an ass to the face unnecessarily, then she wants you to check it out. That simple.

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  4. Ugh, gym time is not talky time. It is get my ass to work in my own little world time. I go to the gym for me time, friend talky time is some other activity type like coffee drinking or puppy buying.

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  5. I wrote a story (Much Nothing About Ado) with a character named Leonard who would be a perfect match for your butt lady friend. Although, they might not hit if off because they both want to do all the talking.
    You’re just too nice a guy, John. Some would have said, “If I want an ass in my face I’ll go to a strip joint.” That would have gotten rid of her.

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  6. Funny!

    Not all Americans are so in-your-face. Wonder what she would’ve done if you’d stood up and “accidentally” fallen on her. You’d be oh-so-polite about not knowing someone was there because, after all, the gym was almost empty. She’d be oh-so-embarrassed. If not, you could ask her if she charged by the hour for a lap dance. 🙂

    Seriously, I used to go to a gym and can tell you that guys do that sort of thing to women, too. It was just as uncomfortable to be at the receiving end of it. I’d rather meet the man first than the ass (If I’d been looking for a man). It’s the reason I started going to a gym for women only.

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