I have NO IDEA how to really write this sort of stuff, still want to possess an amusing narrative voice but don’t want it to appear odd/off-putting. This piece is basically the back-story of the world which my central character will find himself in once he crosses over…essentially a long time ago in a galaxy far far away. It’s not finished yet, but want to flick between the back-story and the protagonist’s experience as he encounters this world…so in many ways then the reader will be more aware of the conflicts and structure of the further world. Is it okay to do it like that? Is that the done thing?! Anyway, here we go – the creator Father Nature bestowing magical crystals on the unfortunate six:
“My energies and wisdom will be divided between you all, as the most prominent and powerful races to be found in this world” spluttered the now decrepit and decaying God…his voice shaking with doubt and regret as he lay there surrounded by six of the most unusual-looking war generals you are ever likely to see. To your eyes they would be figures of dreams or nightmares (depending on your sensitivities), but in this world and at that time they were noble and trusted leaders that were being handed the fate of all they knew and held dear in their hearts. No pressure then, none at all – I mean granted, if they were to mess it up and power was to fall into the wretched hands of Typhon then the world would likely become an active volcano of death, darkness and destruction…a place where vile tyranny, mass-enslavement, and loud perpetual crying would become more commonplace than oxygen, water, or human’s aversion to Mondays. But each of the weary figures were doing all they could to forget such things, as it was the only way of coping with how monumental the task at hand actually was…
And so whilst sharing telling glances with one another each of the chieftains were handed glowing purple crystals, which they were told possessed the shared potential of the creator himself. Energies which would boost the capability of their race, making them worthy matches for a demi-God, rather than weak beings who would otherwise be thrown aside quicker than fruit at a toddler’s birthday party. With these stones they would be able to rise up as heroes in this grave time of need…combining their differing powers and weaknesses to create a sustained harmony wherever and whenever darkness threatened.
This all sounds rather bright and rosy, but it would prove to be no small task. In fact each and every facet of the plan was stacked up in a precarious line of dominoes where even the slightest knock would send things spiralling into a cataclysmic mess – it would have to be cooperation between all six, or sure defeat…let me try to explain this lunacy as best as I possibly can:
You see, The Satyrs are renowned for their vast intelligence and deep connection to the natural world (great!), but are hindered by their selfish and often vain personalities (not so great.). However this could possibly be softened by the wise nature of the enchanted Djinns – a warrior- mage race who were ardent scholars of sorcery. And yet wars and battles can’t be won with brain-power alone, so therefore a physical presence would be necessary…which is where the immense Berserkers come in, with their four hearts, six powerful arms, and a penchant for beating people senseless for next to nothing (what could possibly go wrong?!) Well a lot, clearly, and so to counteract these rather dense behemoths, the miniature race of Claurichauns were also selected…with the idea that their cunning, plotting, and resilient nature would be helpful when dealing with the grumbles of the Berserkers. Finally the lizard race known as The Glycons and the ferocious 9-Tails were summoned, largely because they both possessed sheer numbers which would prove pivotal in vanquishing the legions of vitriolic creatures Typhon was likely to enlist. These choices still raised a lot of eyebrows, especially the choice of the latter for one reason in particular; they possess a biological necessity to feast on people’s kidneys in order to return to their none bestial form. So not ideal house-guests then.
Naturally this was a humongous burden on every person in the room – after all it wouldn’t be right to say “no thank you” to such things as power crystals and the dying wishes of a God now would it? But that doesn’t mean that they weren’t wishing none of this had ever came to be in the first place. If only they could have stopped it all before it had gotten to this point…
All critique is good. Even if it makes me cry. Thank you!
John Lee Taggart 
I quite enjoy it. I don’t think there would be a problem flicking back and forth as you mentioned. There are lots of books that do that. The only thing that gets me is when you use “I” during the narrative. Not sure why. It throws me off. Have you ever read any Terry Pratchett? He is a fabulously hilarious fantasy writer who uses a lot of humour. I would suggest checking out a book or two of his to see if that’s the kind of humour writing you’re looking for.
LikeLiked by 1 person
My mother bought me…what was it called…err, wee free men? Something like that – anyway it was great and I really enjoyed it. The I may seem weird so I will look into that, want the focus to be on the context rather than who is saying what! Thanks a lot Sarah Jayne! So helpful 😊😊😊
LikeLiked by 1 person
None of this sounds odd or off-putting, to me anyway. It’s your story, and it’s fantasy – you can do what you want with it!
From your intro description, I gather this is a first draft? If so, then just write. Don’t worry about techniques or rules, or any of the ‘official’ stuff. Get the general gist of it down first.
Then you can go back to revise, refine and clarify. There are some things that will need work later on – shorter paragraphs, for instance (which will help the inner voice and the narrative voice stand out from each other), some grammar/syntax corrections, and some dialogue would help (especially to ‘show, not tell’) – but the humor is there already and can be built onto (perhaps in some snippets of dialogue?).
Good luck and – most importantly – have fun. If you do, the reader will, too!
~~ Genie
LikeLiked by 1 person
Wow…you’re the best! This is indeed the struggle, of course this is just a rough draft and put out as soon as – but the temptation is always to edit and tweak rather than just writing and writing without much of a filter. Makes the process a lot slower so it’s something I want to refrain from doing!
Oh and thank you!
LikeLike
I see some typos and/or mistaken word choices, but I’m assuming you will have more people than me to proofread that stuff. So my only comment would be that you use non-standard English (whilst) alongside what are modern English colloquialisms (humongous). I would say pick one or the other, with my bias being to lose the whilst (awkward, and detracts from ‘your’ voice) since that isn’t a word you use naturally in your other writing. 🙂 No crying, right?
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m not crying (which is a surprise 😊 ) I’m nodding in agreement! Thank you for the wise words!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m not sure this counts as a critique, but I enjoyed reading it! 🙂 As you mentioned “amusing narrative voice” I thought I’d mention it reminded me, in its style, of P.G. Wodehouse who is my favorite author because of his writing style. I don’t know that this helps at all, but thanks for sharing – I quite enjoyed reading it and would look forward to more! 😀
LikeLiked by 1 person
It counts, and I’m thankful for it! Knew it would be tricky when introducing the weird and wonderful creatures, but still want to retain a human element. Now I have to research his writing…hopefully will provide inspiration 😊
LikeLiked by 1 person
I would avoid reading any particular author to get tips (i.e. Terry Pratchett) especially if they are not one you’ve read much of before.
If you’d read all his books (for instance) and were already a massive fan, then fine, I’d say take inspiration where you can.
But I think going to an author’s work and reading it purely to get ideas, (as opposed to reading for pleasure and something “rubbing off” on you over time) is more likely to result in you doing a subconscious Pratchett (for example) impression, which is never a good thing.
However, that’s just my opinion, I personally think you have a distinctive style already and you should concentrate on refining that.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks Dale, that certainly seems to make sense to me. I realise that I am crafting out my own style as I go…sort of trying to make the narrative voice of my other stories work in this setting…which is challenging but sort of fun at the same time. Sometimes I realise I am being unauthentic, and go back to write it how I would write it not how I think others would like it. It’s confusing. But anyway, cheers as always.
LikeLiked by 2 people