MIA: So many stories to tell.

Oh my Lordy, here he is: the prodigal son of WordPress – he was lost and now he is found, praise be to Baby Jesus!

Hi everyone, I know it has been forever and you’re probably wondering one of three things, either 1.) “Where have you been?!”, 2.)”What have you been doing?!”, or 3.) “Who the fuck are you?!” Perhaps even a mean-spirited cocktail of the three…not very festive but all good points. To tell you the truth I have been working, hard. See below:

I currently lead the Comms and creative campaigns for a small charity based in the UK – there’s always so much to do for this great cause, which takes me around the world (which yes, I still love) introducing me to beautiful souls on a daily basis. I can’t complain, it’s a dream in so many different ways!

But it has meant my own personal stuffs has suffered, and this makes me sad. I want to find the time to redevelop Storytime with John (if you still all want to hear from me!) – keep yo’ eyes peeled for 2020. Love, hugs, and tinsel kisses to all!

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Land of Fire and Ice (Iceland)

Iceland – Reykjavik ~2018

Life can move in very strange ways, and sometimes has a sense of weird irony that isn’t always immediately clear. Case in point, just a couple of weeks ago I was traipsing around Iceland (the budget frozen goods store) in a typical slovenly fashion, wearing scruffy sweatpants and a grim look like most of the shop’s inhabitants – my happiness levels raised only momentarily by the occasional must-buy purchase; cheesy garlic breads £1, double chocolate ice cream £1.50, enormous multi-pack of crisps £2. Time machine it to a few days ago and I am stood in actual Iceland, wearing no scruffy sweatpants (yes, I was wearing clothes, I’m not a maniac), marvelling at the natural beauty of the landscape and soaking in the living and breathing personality that this wonderful part of the world expresses.

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Not to ruin the picture I’ve just painted or anything…but I was also super pissed at how expensive actual Iceland is compared to frozen chicken nuggets Iceland. £10 for one diddy bottle of beer whut whuttt?! You could buy a whole deep-fried farm for that!

Iceland, the fabled “Land of Ice and Fire”, could not be more appropriately named…and it has to be said right off the bat that I give absolute props to any of the (just over) 300,000 people that despite all logic and common sense have decided to look pulsing volcanoes, feet upon feet of snow, regular sandstorms and much more not so fun stuff in the face and state, “I’m still staying. Fuck you.” After all, we all know the kind of effect that weather can have on people mentally, not to mention the physical obstacles of lava melting your toes.

*Insert moment of silence for all the lava toes lost out there*

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It seems that people in general are just as impressed and curious as we were beforehand: Reykjavik, which comprises the majority of Iceland’s population and trade, has been flourishing in recent years, with record numbers now visiting to see what all of the fuss is about. A record 1.73 million in 2016, up 34% from the previous year. These tourists probably come for the Blue Lagoon and the Northern Lights, sure, but I would hope they stay for the breathtaking fjords and the rainbows that dance precariously across waterfalls, for the fresh clean air and the naturally heated pools, for the 100% renewable electricity and tap water straight from a glacier…and then…when all of these incredible features have them stumped as to how they’ll ever return to ordinary cosmopolitan life…leave. Because how can any normal person afford to keep spending so much on soup and bread?

In all seriousness returning to ordinary life after adventuring around such a majestic part of the globe, has had be down in the dumps in a major way. I’ll probably try to cure this feeling by revisiting Iceland at some point…for some cheesy garlic breads, double chocolate ice cream, and an enormous multi-pack of crisps.

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The magic of Iceland, a place in which apparently a large percentage of the populous believe in trolls and elves, continues to play on my mind. There is a sense of unknown in such a place, an unreliability that doesn’t often accompany life in towns and cities – save petty drama at work, or news that someone you thought was great in a movie turns out to actually be a bit of a nightmare. There’s a freedom in not having the shackles of corporate life weighing quite so heavily on your conscience – because things like staying alive take precedent (big shout out to my fiancée for navigating many a snow storm and sheer drop on the road in a car the size of a cereal box).

Iceland = two big frosty thumbs up from me – just make sure you pack your thermals and remortgage your house to have enough cash to get a round of beers in.

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When England Meets Heat (Top 8)

 Something horrendous is happening to the once fair and graceful people of the formerly benevolent and peaceful  United Kingdom: this thing is transforming them into slow-moving, reddened, depleted semi-nude versions of themselves…and it shows no signs of relenting (until next week probably). 

Sun-pocalypse, is what some (me) are dubbing it – the few days in the year when the sun comes out, and British people freak the fuck out. Well, this year the rare appearance of that ball of blazes in the sky has, as ever, been accompanied by frenzied tabloid articles from The Sun (COINCIDENCE?! I THINK NOT!) about a looming killer heatwave approximate in temperature to the inside of a volcano. Cue warnings about not straying outside with your dog or she will melt, don’t give your Nan too much ice cream or she runs the risk of Cornet Clots…that sort of thing.

Yeah, it’s ridiculous – it’s a total farce: but we wouldn’t really have it any other way. “It’s just a bit of sun, what’s the big deal?” ask Aussies, Spaniards, and just about everyone else apart from Eskimos – but we are Brits, and we like to complain. So, stop attacking our culture, jheez.

Without further rambling here’s the top eight stupid things that we seem to do in the sun. If you are a Brit and don’t recognise any of these then you are either a liar, an impostor, or you have such a high degree of sun stroke that it is affecting your ability for rational thought (go get checked, I’m worried about you man) : 

1. We make obvious statements about the weather…

Okay so you look out of the window and it is sunny – you make a comment to a friend or colleague about this observation…something along the lines of: “it is sunny outside”, or “it is very sunny outside”, or perhaps if you are feeling a little outrageous: “wow, it is very sunny outside.” 

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You then have a five to ten minute exchange with said person in which you make parallels to how it was cold last week, and how it was even colder in Winter. Perhaps you share an anecdote or two, like the fact that you made a snowman back in February and now your diet is almost entirely comprised of ice cream…it’s craziness! Madness of the highest order! It’s also oh so bland. 

2. Partake in daytime drinking because, sun…

Listen, there are set rigid rules set out by our good Lord and creator himself that we must live by…struggle with. It’s a massive shame and not ideal in the slightest but we just have to get on with it and maintain our stiff upper lip.

One of these rules is that you must drink alcohol at any time in the airport when going on your summer holiday. I don’t care that it is 6am and you don’t feel like it – this is your duty to Queen and country…you must be pissed by 7:30am whilst boarding your plane or a Beef-Eater will come around your house and take away your television. That’s the rule, it’s in the fucking Magna Carta for God’s sake, so just shut up and abide by it.

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Another rule is that due to lovely long summer days daytime drinking in general becomes not just acceptable, but vigorously encouraged. Screw the whole waiting till 3pm thing…get in a beer garden and stay put – last week the weather was miserable so make the fucking most of it. (Sidenote: I know it’s a work/school night but just stay for one more, one more, one more…until you get the sack).

 

3. Get the guns/gut out…

Now not everyone is like me and has the body of a Greek God (shadddap I mean Dionysus, God of fertility and wine – oioi!) so they really should think twice before stripping off in public. Keyword there, should, but many don’t…in fact there is something about the start of British summertime that makes men think they are already doing a tour of Zante or Ibiza…

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I mean sure, if you’ve got it then flaunt it babez – but you’re going to pick up a couple of pints of green top milk for your Mam, please clothe yourself and save it for the beach.

 

4. Share your music with the world…

It’s summer, so you can get away with murder when it comes to your car playlist. You would likely get some peculiar looks looks from white van men if you were blasting Wham! on full belt during a grim wintry January evening – but add a little sun into the mix and you will receive knowing nods, thumbs up, and smiley sing-a-longs.

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Disclaimer: people may also throw things at you – please don’t hold me responsible for this. 

 

5. Be outraged that a 99 Flake doesn’t cost 99p…

“Back in my day they were 99p!” you croak through your wrinkled sallow face, suddenly feeling decades older. But it is true, the price has gone up quite a bit since the 1990s, when you could get yourself a 99 for 99p. But then again you could also get three houses, two cars on credit, and a jacuzzi fitted in your brand-new conservatory. Inflation, we hate you, ya bastard.

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Oh and while we are on, what is with calling “Monkey’s Blood” strawberry sauce?! I am going to write a strongly worded letter to my MP to really get – urgh scratch that…I am only 26, imagine how insufferable I will be by the time I reach retirement age. Apologies.

6. Have a food-poison laden spontaneous BBQ…

 

You know people the world over seem to denounce the Great British cuisine as lesser than shit, denigrating it to the ranks of some of the most boring flavourless tripe that humankind has ever seen. Now I find that unfair, because whilst it may not be exotic by any stretch of the imagination, it is most definitely interesting…and the British summer BBQ is evidence of that.

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By interesting I mean it will do unusual things to your insides – in fact it may likely kill you. But you wouldn’t want to be seen as impolite at a family BBQ so you munch half-hardheartedly at that suspect meat provided in a dry bun by your knobhead Uncle…dreading the next couple of hours that will undoubtedly be filled with a vile burning sensation…and not a one that after-sun can cure either.

7. Sunbathe in the front garden…

Most people don’t even go out most of the time: I mean, why would you when you have television and YouTube at your fingertips…but the sun makes people do caaaraaayzeee, things, things like well, (gasp) going outdoors.

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Suddenly that front step, that little bit of patio, or that patch of grass outside your house, are transformed into a paradise land that should be enjoyed for all they are worth. You get a chair and plonk it down, you survey your kingdom…every square foot of it. This is what summer is all about: “this is great why don’t I do this more often it’sss-fuckkkk I think I am burning” – 

8. Slap on the sun cream – realise you missed a spot…

Now I am whiter than white: so white I likely couldn’t even be a hue of paint…and even if you managed to create such a thing –  no one would want it. For instance I step outdoors  for a few moments to check if I should wear a long-sleeve or a t-shirt and-SIZZLE SIZZLE-my face swells up like one hundred pounds of ham.

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But like a lot of people in these lands I have a love-hate relationship with sun cream. I love that there is a cream that is supposed to help me not become an embarrassing shade of red, and yet I hate that said cream because it doesn’t fucking work at all. Most miss a spot, I seemingly miss all of my spots and then get actual spots due to the fact I just slathered a bunch of grease over my pores…

Ahhh summer, don’t you just love it?! Roll on Autumn. 


Well, what did I miss? Let me know…but I am about to return to my cave and stay there until the sun goes back into hiding – see you in a couple of months. 

FIRST FEATURE FILM: Montserrat Madness

COMING SOON – the dramatic epic that is sure to rock the world: a tale of two men, one mountain, and lots of stress fuelled largely by a lack of fitness.

This really tickled me, and I hope it does for you too – in a world where it seems horrendous things happen all too often, it is joy and happiness which should reign supreme:

You really should subscribe to his channel if you are big on the YouTubez, as my friend is not only a talented young whippersnapper but is also offering free cakes to the first few people who get in touch with him. DISCLAIMER: you have to fly all the way to South Korea to pick up said cakes, by then they may be gone, also I may have made this whole thing up – but still, subscribe anyway? Thanks pals.


I hope everyone is doing well, I have had a whole lot going on lately but haven’t forgotten about all you lovely people…I have Barcelona (Spain) to write about, Gdansk (Poland) next month, and a couple of weeks on the road in the USA in July…so let’s have everything crossed that I get my act in order and come back with some silliness after that – there’s bound to be a couple of tales. Till then, peace and love people – peace and love x

British & Korean vs. Barcelona (영국남자)

Check out my goofy bad self featuring in my friend’s brand spanking new YouTube channel…

Make sure to subscribe to his channel to keep the good stuff coming…the next one (Preview: 2:04) features an arduous hiking trail up Montserratt is sure to be an absolute crease…apologies in advance for the swearing and sweating that ensued.

#MakeStorytimeWithJohnGreatAgain

God’s Gift

I don’t know what it is lately, but all of a sudden I’ve been getting  friend requests from countless stunningly beautiful women! Perhaps they dig my pale skin, or they’ve heard about my flat feet…maybe huge wonky noses are now thought to be attractive? I’m not really sure what I have been doing differently, but whatever it is – it is working!

Some like the very lovely Krista are just looking to have fun, which is absolutely fine with me…I mean who doesn’t like fun? She hasn’t really put forward any ideas, but I thought we could go to see Logan on Tuesday when it is half price – would be nice right?

Or perhaps she is more of a home-bird…so we could stay in and play a board game? Charades? Whatever. I suppose it doesn’t matter, as long as there are good people, good company and good laughs.


But not all have been as cool as Krista: some seem slightly deranged in fact…as if they have had a few significant heavy knocks to the head and have been taught butchered English by highly sexualised versions of Yoda and Jar Jar Binks:

I mean I’m flattered and everything – certainly don’t want to seem ungrateful but; “narrow vagina and fragrant”, and “white liquid of boyfriend”…not exactly the best way to make pals online. Most people lead with something about their lives (this does not include news of vagina freshness) like where they have travelled to, or where they would like to go…music preferences, what they like to eat and drink. (Again, leave the white liquid of boyfriend off that description too.)


On a not to serious, but a bit more serious note…I get quite a few of these a DAY – at first it was amusing but now it is slowly driving me insane. I hoped this blog post would help me vent.

Jogging into the Abyss

It was the night before jogging and all through the house, my excitement was stirring – maybe soon I’d have a spouse. But then I awoke and with the toll of the alarm…my body was unwilling – getting fit, had lost it’s charm.

I’ve always been full of half-good ideasyou know; spontaneous expensive trips abroad instead of sensibly saving, new unnecessary shoes instead of paying the council tax bill, pizza for both tea and breakfast whilst still expecting a six-pack to materialise – that sort of thing. The sort of things that can be somewhat cute and quirky when you are younger, but unfortunately start to seem silly once the boring grip of age takes a hold.

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Now any choice I make seems HUGE; so huge that I often feel anxious even thinking about the what-ifs and the maybes…so huge that I occasionally feel like reverting to childhood where most decisions are made for you – so huge that I put huge in big massive capital letters so you know I’m not fucking around. Yeah, that huge. 

Leaving South Korea last year was one of those choices as it meant I was essentially hanging up my travelling boots and strapping on something a little smarter – simply put, I had loved it but it had run its course. And yet still I felt unsure of what would be, and there seemingly wasn’t much in the way of helpful articles out there other than people stating stuff like: “you will feel like a stranger in your own town”, “no one will understand you”, and “you will never ever feel like you have a home ever again”…

Great, fab, brilliant – shall I shoot myself now, or is that also a service you offer through your delightful blog?

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But listen it’s not all doom and gloom – so don’t for a second start believing those dreamy lost fucks online. You are still you after all…in fact you are the best version of yourself that you have ever been, it’s called growth and experience people! Those big choices define who you are and mould you into the person you will be…sure they take some getting used to, but it’s worth it in the end. Your life is irrevocably different as a result but that doesn’t mean it’s suddenly total dog shit:

Case in point I thought it was a black and white sort of choice I was making by returning to the UK after adventuring around the world. You know, leaving the “traveller” lifestyle behind and getting a “proper job”, aka trading in a vibrant and fun life for a boring and tedious one…as if I was fully expecting that the powers that be were readying the  drill to forcibly redesign me as a droid devoid of human emotion, and in doing so erasing all of my weird and wonderful memories…such a cartoonish way of looking at things!

I’m still me, and I’m still making stupid choices – trust me you don’t trade in your motivations at the door (just this year I’m going to Germany, Spain, France, USA, and potentially Canada…) How’s the saving going? Piss off, pal. 

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What’s my point? Oh yeah, choices. Life is what you make it people..sure I wallowed for a bit (I am a complainer first and foremost), but now I’ve got a terrific job in content writing and communications for an amazing little charity who do tremendous work (worth checking them out here)…and you know what? Things are pretty great. I’m not a stranger in my town, in fact I love that I know people and that they know me – this is my home, but being away and coming back makes me recognise that home can actually be potentially anywhere. I love that fact, it makes the future a little blurry…just as it should be.

Don’t worry I’m never going to stop with the stupid choices – I mean if I did, what would I share with you delightful chaps on my site…movie reviews? Come on.

Actually…that would be less stressful for me – as my most recent stupid choice means I am set to run a half-marathon in support of my charity  this year. Hence the 6am wake up call, and aching limbs. Urghhhh if legs could cry mine would be moaning like Myrtle – and I’m only two days in. SEND HELP. 

Banter with Buddha

New year’s resolutions are often mocked for how ridiculous they are….after all they are the result of arbitrarily linking the end of the year, and the start of a new one, to the thought that you will suddenly metamorphose into a bigger and better you with close to 0 effort. You’re not a Pokémon, and as a result such a thought process is doomed from the get-go. The sad reality is that real change comes from…real…change, and that’s that:

‘Everyday feel like the one before. Hunt the money, don’t hunt the hoe…if you do what you always done then you get what you always got, you dumb buffoons!’ – Gunplay (Gangsta’ Rapper,  and gardening equipment enthusiast)

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Well said Gunplay, and that’s exactly it – as hacky as it is to joke about, resolutions are going to remain as fickle dreamy ideas if we don’t institute real changes in our lives. Which is exactly why I made the leap last weekend of buying 4-ply toilet paper as opposed to 1-ply…I just thought; “John – you can do this…you deserve this. You owe this to yourself – pick it up.” And I went for it, I pushed through the pain barrier, and intend to keep it up for the rest of the year.

Not inspired by that? Okay…hard to please, jheez…what about this instead: last night I visited a Buddhist centre to attend a meditation class. You see to speak seriously-ish for a second I hate the idea of just plodding through life, with horse-blinkers on; simply living out your allotted days until you expire, never really experiencing things, or for that matter enjoying what you actually have in the first place. Groundhog Day, Groundhog Day, Grounhog Day – DEATH. Yeah, no thanks.

So I wanted to try new things…at first I thought of horse riding! I would be like Aragon stomping around the place – striding across the open plains of…Sunderland. I even Googled local stables in my area, and there was one close to my work which came well recommended. Ideal! I would finish work and then go play with-ah-shit…you have to be under 12 stone. Back to the drawing board you HUGE FAT GIMLI LOOKIN’ CRETIN!

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Ahem…so the next idea was meditation – and as there is no weight limit rule for sitting on a cushion on the floor, I figured it was ideal for me. Regular readers of my articles will probably protest this, but I am a little bit of a hypochondriac. No, no…come on. I get stressed out easily and then exaggerate about the severity of my situation, I can’t sit still, I tell people about my toilet paper habits. I mean objectively speaking I am strange sort of guy! So anything which could help de-stress me would likely mark a positive step in the right direction.

I went along with my sister, my friend, and his girlfriend – who at the last second decided it wasn’t for her. She didn’t want to talk to people, didn’t want to do the meet and greet, didn’t want to have to introdu – “WAIT…WHAT?!”  I hadn’t even thought there would be any sort of social element – I don’t want to be in there doing trust exercises with my genitals alongside total strangers (or whatever the hell they get up to in there). She was going to go off to a cafe instead, de-stress with a book and a good cup of coffee. What the hell was I doing? Why wasn’t I doing that? I don’t even like the smell of incense this incen-

I went anyway. You know I used to think that sitting was the best thing in the world, aside from maybe lying down…but let me say this, it was one of the most uncomfortable sitting sessions I may have ever experienced. It actually makes me wonder whether meditation classes are just a bunch of people packed into a room pretending they don’t have pins and needles the whole time: “Think of a looooved onee-send your love to them” YOWWW MY BIG TOE IS RINGING – “feel the energy of the universe pulse through your body” – ARGH IT’S TWITCHING AND TWITCHING – “let your body float into a state of pure posiiitivityyy ” – RIGHT THAT’S IT – LOST ALL FEELING – WILL NEVER WALK AGAIN.

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I have been back a couple of times though, actually I think I am going again tonight – so somehow the feeling that I would never ever get to walk again wasn’t enough to put me off. There must be, after all, some good to it, ey? So what if whenever I close my eyes and try to think of waterfalls instead it’s just flashes of painful childhood memories, peppered with looming doubts about the future – that’s great, that’s normal, that’s…I like that, it’s great…it’s…

…off to cry now (whilst standing up), tah tah! 

Love you all, old and new -and I truly hope you have an absolutely magic 201, are any of you try anything different this year? Going to try and get more articles out for you whenever possible. Shout out to Meagan for giving me a nudge!

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Please buy my collection of stories! Get it in paperback here – or on Kindle here! ALL proceeds go towards Macmillan Cancer Support!

5 Ways You Screw Up Your Life (and don’t even realise it!)

This may not be news to you, but it’s the new year – and with it comes a plethora of good intentions and subsequent feelings of “I hate myself, why did I eat an entire truckload of doughnuts?” But don’t worry, I’m here for you – and although I intend to eat whatever I want, and do whatever I want, I still somehow feel very comfortable giving friendly (as well as hugely condescending and patronising) advice like the rest of the internet.

I have identified five ways in which people, that includes you (however if you are an alien reading this, piss off back to Mars – this isn’t for you), screw up their lives monumentally on a daily basis…without even knowing it. Combat these five bad habits, and you will be well on your way to living the life you have always dreamed of!

1) We compare ourselves to other people who are more famous:

Listen you will never be Augustus Gloop. No matter how hard you try you will never be able to fall in a chocolate river and die by way of your lungs slowly filling up with choco milk. It’s not happening, ever. You can fall in a regular river, you can buy some chocolate from your local convenience store – but you cannot, repeat cannot, be Augustus Gloop. So stop beating yourself up because your reality doesn’t match that of Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory…you’re painfully normal, and that’s okay.

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Just a thought, but to you high-flyers reading this – how about you work your way up at Shell or another big oil company…become the head honcho…and then instead of leaking oil into the sea, you leak chocolate milkshake. That way you will make a real difference by letting us little people live out our fantasises!

2) We  don’t let people in:

Holding the door shut behind you every time you enter a room is a sure fire way to lose friends and alienate people. Perhaps that sounds good, perhaps that’s actually why you do it in the first place – but trust me when I say this…it’s not cool. Holding a hospital door shut? Well done you just killed someone. Holding a supermarket door shut? Well done an old lady somewhere isn’t going to have milk in her tea. Holding your own door shut? Well done…well actually no, no one is coming to your door anymore because they can’t stand you. 

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Let people in for God’s sake.

3) We  forget that life is a musical:

I know what you are thinking, for the most part musicals are incredibly annoying and people who like them are either demented or lying to themselves. But no – they are in actual fact, brilliant! So with that in mind you should live your life as a musical if you really want to find true happiness in your day to day life.

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“Seventeen-fifty!? Seventeen-fifty? Seventeen-fiiiiiiftyyyyy for condoms – you must be having a laaaaaaaaugh!” No matter the scenario everyone loves a good sing song, and they will likely join in. Especially at funerals. The best tip I can give is to narrate every single detail…it takes a bit of practice but eventually you will get the knack, and soon enough you will be the life and soul of every party. People will even throw things at you, sometimes even flowers. Which brings me to my next bit of advice…

4) We throw eggs at elderly people whilst shouting strange internet jargon at them:

It’s so ingrained in Western culture to do this that I will probably lose some followers just by suggesting it…but stop, stop it right now. These people should be treated with respect, so may I suggest that instead you use those eggs to create a delicious cake. Spend time with them and hear their stories…you can actually pick a lot of perspective. You also get to eat cake in the process – doesn’t that seem a healthier way to spend your time? Sure there’s no laughter but who needs humour in this hilariously positive world. No one.

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AND DON’T THROW THE CAKE. DON’T!!

5) We dig holes in the side of hills in a bid to become a real-life Hobbit, and then give up half-way through:

You’ve had a hard day at work, or an easy day slacking off at school, and you are worn out. It’s understandable, your mind starts to wander and you think “what if?” You watch a few YouTube videos and some American guy tells you that you need to live in the now, and that if you want something you should just do it, go for it, RIGHT NOW. You nod to yourself and grab a shovel – find a nearby hill – and get to work. But you didn’t really think it through…I mean how do I support the ceiling? Do I have to pay council tax? Where will my post be delivered to? How do I even…

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You return home defeated, and people start calling you a “Halfling” in your local area…not because you were almost a Hobbit – but because you did half a job, and are essentially a waste of space. Listen, I have been there, and it is a hard one to beat…but the best thing to do is to just not try at all. Perhaps try and be an orc instead? That would probably be easier…all you have to do is smoke 100 cigarettes a day and inject meth into your eyeballs every hour. Good Luck. 

For more helpful advice, check this out.

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Please buy my collection of stories! Get it in paperback here – or on Kindle here! ALL proceeds go towards Macmillan Cancer Support!

Lottery Wins…

Like most people I often dream of a lottery win…I romanticise the notion of a sudden influx of money and then think of where I would go, what I would do, and in most cases what I wouldn’t do: such as fly economy and mingle with the filthy peasants outside of my large manor gates. Just joking, they can come in but they better not make eye contact…or else it’s the hounds for them.

Anyway it’s a somewhat trivial and silly way to pass the time, but a fun one nonetheless. There’s something freeing about being able to dream, something child-like about the range of possibilities and the boundaries of realism which you can push past. There’s not enough of that these days I find, it’s all super serious – rather than nodding and furthering your dreams people are all: “oh nooo, you can’t do that! Come on now, get real! John pull your pants up, you’re in a fucking supermarket after all!” It’s ridiculous, it really is.  Just let me live, let me be.

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So as I sipped the finest ale (whichever one had the funniest name), from the finest establishment in all of Sunderland (admittedly a low bar) I allowed my mind to wander into the world of life-long holidays, happy smiles, and real differences to the population at large. My best friends and I wouldn’t have to work another day in our lives – apart from that which made us happy of course – we would go from place to place, we would meet with people from all different places, and would never have a care in the world. I’d also find the cure to cancer, and think up some way to eat as much Doritos as you want but still have washboard abs. It would be fucking fantastic. 

As I go through personal struggles and torment, it is brief stupid times like this spent with my nearest and dearest which make all the difference. As much as it is dreaming about a life so alien to your own, it also helps you remember what you do have, and how special that really is.

With that said I should probably start putting on the lottery if I really want to win it. I know I have as much chance of winning as Donald Trump does this presidential election…but…he may actually…hmm…got any lucky numbers?

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