Plastic Surgery (강남 언니)

One thing that makes me a wee bit uncomfortable about South Korea is the whole plastic surgery thing – they are easily ahead with the highest per capita rate of cosmetic plastic surgery in the world. But it’s not really the fact that it is so popular that freaks me out…I mean live, and let live, right? I know I have parts of myself I wouldn’t mind changing (the McDonalds forehead wrinkles, and wonky rugby player looking nose to name two!) The problem I have is that there appears to be only one accepted “style” that people go for…and that because of this it’s simply recreated, again, and again, and again…so much so that the rather offensive stereotype of “every Asian looking the same” – quite literally becomes true when you walk around in Gangnam, Korea. (As bad as I know that sounds.)

In fact things are so uniform on that front that it  takes no imagination for me to envisage an experienced surgeon doing all of the alterations with his eyes closed…just leaning back in a chair, while his hunchbacked assistant throws people on his conveyor belt one after another…shifting the forehead, elongating the nose, widening the eyes, sharpening the jaw…

“That’ll be a gazillion dollars please and thank you – now go and be a star, off you pop!”

Plastic Sameness GIF

I don’t get why you would want to be uniform, and fit in…at least not so much you would alter your entire appearance to do so – these people are beautiful just as they are, so it absolutely baffles me!

That’s why I want to give the message that I  strongly encourage people to stand out, and be different – after all, YOU ARE ALREADY EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU – so it’s simply easier that way! However if you must get surgery than I wish people would get something that differentiates you from your contemporary counterparts…an alteration that truly sets you apart.

Such as (and not limited to):

  • Shifting your eyes to where your cheeks are – so you can look at food more closely as it goes into your mouth. This will no doubt make the eating experience a lot more enjoyable.
  • Moving one ear to the back of your head – so that no one can ever speak behind your back, and if they do you can hear every word.
  • Getting a hand attached to your forehead so you can easily wipe away sweat, or keep your hair in check on a windy day.
  • Attaching extra skin to your chin, so you can use it as a fashionable scarf during casual occasions, or emergency rope when you are in dire need.
  • Putting an extra mouth on your thigh, so when people say “put your money where your mouth is!” you can insult them and make them look dumb. (Great party trick!)

So yeah, I feel these changes serve much more of a purpose, and at the very least no one can ever call you a sheep. So please take it as it is meant  – not as some smear campaign…more as a few words of wise advice.

Korean Gun GIF

UHHHH-OHHHHH…I HAD NO IDEA SHE WAS ANGRY YOUR HONOR, HER EYEBROWS DIDN’T MOVE!!!

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Lost Child

Gotta tell you this one real quick…it’s a story I was told just yesterday – drama central over here trust me!

So there’s a larger school near the kindergarten I work at…and the parents are up in arms at the moment – full pitchfork and flaming torches kinda deal (well you know, metaphorically!) …news travels fast here with a dedicated community of Mothers in place to spread stories, as and when necessary! And boyyyy, is it necessary!

Crowd GIF

Usually such upset is over trivial matters…but the latest is pretty ridiculous I have to admit, and the uproar levels are definitely justified; let me cut to the chase…one of the students (five years old I think) was on the school bus home…when he decided to have a little snooze! I mean, there’s nothing better right? You wake up, and you are at your destination! Perfect! 

Ingeniously he decided to stretch out over a couple of chairs for maximum comfort! And slowly but surely the bus made its way around the student’s homes…and before long there was no one in it ! Apart from the driver, and that little sleeping chap in the back of course…

Well the driver wasn’t the most screwed on fella in the world (it seems) – because he eventually finished his usual route, did one little look back and saw no one…so then proceeded to drive the bus to the school’s shelter and head on out into the night! Naturally an hour or so later the boy woke up to nothing but darkness, wondering just where the hell he was!

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Thankfully the door of the bus was open – so the petrified boy was able to free himself from his prison…but that only meant he was in a strange place, with no idea how to get home. It’s basically the kindergarten version of The Shawshank Redemption. Poor lad. So all he had left in his arsenal was to wander these unfamiliar streets, whilst crying out loud. This went on for an hour or so apparently.

Finally the police asked him what the hell was going on. Or words to that effect I imagine! And were able to get in touch with his parents…who were freaking out. Like Drake getting kissed by Madonna levels of freaking out. 

Anyway, important info is – he’s coming to our school now! Feels kind of intriguing, he has an air of something about him…he is the boy who lived! Not quite Harry Potter, but definitely someone with a story to tell…just think of the things he must have seen on that detour of his! The bus seats…the pavement…the…well okay, it’s bland when I put it like that!

Awkward MIley GIF

But come on! HARRY POTTER IS COMING TO OUR SCHOOL! REJOICE!

In unrelated news, we now have a strict seat-belt policy for the kids, and a final check procedure when the bus is finishing its route. But as I say…totally unrelated. 

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“Asian Yellow Dust”

I’m dying…please send help – well not really but this “Asian Yellow Dust” stuff is far from fun!

Excuse the weird ramble at the start, you know what I’m like!

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Nike – Just Do…

I don’t know who makes all of the t-shirts in Korea...but there are some bad products out there! Bad is an understatement – there are some AWFUL products out there! Actually, I don’t even know where to begin! Sometimes they are just harmless errors, or sometimes the English doesn’t make sense at all- but occasionally the English sentence is just down-right woeful!

I have no idea who who checks the grammar, or perhaps it doesn’t even matter in people’s minds…but for some reason I reckon the old lady with ‘SEX GIRLS ONLY’ written on her cap would probably have a minor heart attack – if someone where to tell her!

Cringe Host GIF

The best example, (and by best I mean worst!) I can give is this particular instance…you see I was walking around a shopping mall, when a little girl ran into me all of a sudden – this surprised her for a second (and me too!) but then she toddled off someplace else, the image of her stayed with me though. You see she was wearing a t-shirt that was meant to be an imitation of a style one…you know their famous marketing phrase – ‘JUST DO IT!’ Which is supposed to excite people, and tells them they should always try hard, take risks – and do their utmost in every task! Quite inspiring! Right?

Well yes, I certainly think so!

But the imitation t-shirt was just that, And so it wasn’t exactly like the original…it was the same colour, and it had the style tick design…the same type of font for the lettering…but instead of ‘JUST DO IT!’ it read…

‘JUST DO ME!

Which errr, yeah…means something completely different…

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Kim Jon Un’s Hairstyle…

Sorry for the many expletives…but that’s to be expected when a hairdresser gives you a KIM JON UN style makeover – against your own will! I mean…COME ON!

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Dreaded Dong Chim (똥침)

I’ve discussed it before…but that doesn’t mean it’s anything less than shocking – every – single – time! Surprise fingers jolting up your bum…no one should get used to that!

Oh,  and here’s the aforementioned post, about the dreaded dong chim! I hope the craze stops soon…I’m sore. 

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Language Barrier

I struggle on an almost daily basis with the language barrier.

Now you may be fooled into thinking that this is simply a vague metaphor…a creation of our imagination to describe a certain feeling, when we cannot deliver our thoughts to another human. Well I can tell you now that the language barrier, is so very real – although I’d probably describe it as a language battering ram, if anything! As it hits me with such force, and leaves me very, very confused…with no idea what to do next…

Confused Guy GIF

I’m trying my best to learn Korean, but it is all happening very slowly…I need someone to constantly lie to me, you know…tell me I am amazing even though I am terrible, otherwise I just feel like setting myself on fire in protest. Or at least ripping up the book, and quitting.

I remember one time I spent ten minutes, trying to get the Korean pronunciation for syrup right in a cafe…sheerop, shurop, sherrup, shar…errr…in the end I just pointed, and smiled. The lady immediately understood: “ahhhhh, shueropu?” Yeah, sure. Whatever. Urghhh! 

It certainly makes me thankful for being back in the UK, where I can freely speak English without the language battering ram smashing into my face – reminding me how stupid I am, and how my pronunciation makes me sound “like a crazy alien” (actual quote from a bemused Korean guy).

Crazy Alien GIF

Funnily enough, I have just read a story on this subject which intrigued me a lot! You see apparently a young man was in some kind of horrific accident…the news said it was a car crash, but we know that we can’t ever fully trust the news – what is more likely is that it was the language battering ram! The reason I say this is that the guy woke up from a coma, and for some bizarre reason he found he could speak fluent Chinese. CAN YOU IMAGINE THAT?! And now he is working over there on television! I mean, I wish my Korean tutor would have told me it was that easy!!!!

I have to run, I am off to play in traffic! Wish me luck! 

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Fun…but errrr…

Just so very, very bizarre…but the good news is that there is another twisted individual off the streets – JOB DONE!

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