crazed – John Lee Taggart

August 20, 2015

Why am I Dying? (냉방병)

I’ve been suffering a little bit recently…and by suffering I mean clinging on for dear life – in fact I even thought about writing out my will, but then realised I don’t own anything of worth so just went back to crying alone instead.

Oh, but for the record my brothers can share my socks out on a first come first served basis.

Now I know this sounds a little over the top, and just a smidgen dramatic but I promise you it is (mostly) the truth, and only the truth. You see the thing is these past few days I have felt like the devil himself has clawed himself into my face, rummaged around in my skull, and then worked his way down my entire body before exiting painfully out of my rear end in a fiery burst. He has plagued me with a constantly shivering exterior that would make The Cowardly Lion look broad-shouldered in comparison; he has made sleep a struggling impossibility, and has made food pointless…as whatever happens it will spatter out in some mad acid rain dance moments later. Which actually sounds a lot more entertaining than the reality, might I add.

But what the hell is going on? Is this some sort of old testament punishment or something? I just had to know…or more to the point I had to discover a cure for my ailment! Any more friction down there and I felt I would spontaneously combust – which on second thought would at least provide some respite from the chills…hmm swings and roundabouts…

I’m as confused and uncomfortable as this image is.

Anyway, WebMD scares me, so I decided to stay away from it this time around…for fear I would misdiagnose myself with trench foot, cholera, pregnancy, or something else completely off base. Instead I just so happened to be moaning to a Korean friend who knew exactly what it was almost instantly! Turns out it’s something known as 냉방병 (naeng-bang-byong) – which put simply is your body freaking out due to going from nice cool air-conditioned rooms to the sweltering humid hell that is the outdoors of the Asian summer…which leads to migraines, high fever, digestive problems, and more…oh joy! Woopee!

So what happens is your body gets sick of this theatrical changing of the temperature dials and tries to keep your body at a regular stable heat…in essence it’s the movie I-Robot playing out inside your body; the struggle between human and the machines, a turbulent and wild fight except there is no Will Smith to save the day. Just you sitting on the pot, shitting yourself to death – or waddling around attempting daily activities wishing you were on said pot. A little less Hollywood-esque some may say, and they’d probably be right.

Yeah, well I’m sick of shitting by myself too Will!

“Well just get some bed-rest, watch a few movies, and paint your toenails for a couple days John!” I hear you scream. Hmm yeah, sure – I’d love to, but I simply can’t because I’m in Korea and for some reason that remains unknown to me time off work is a huge no-no – which means no rest and no medicine for the not even that wicked as I finish work after the health centres close. So instead I have to drag myself in, and do this really quite creepy weird whisper-shout at the children I teach:

“please…please…shhh…just please. I have naeng-bang-byong…please. Just shut the f-pleaz.”

Unsurprisingly they rarely listen, probably can’t even hear me – but I just hope to make it to the weekend so I can go into full on Snorlax mode and rest myself back to good health. Wish me luck, and a less sore bottom dear friends! It’s been a rough ride so far…

p.s. I can’t drink beer and cheesy snacks at this present time. So please do this on my behalf, it would really comfort me to know at least someone else is having a glorious amount of fun as I…well you know what I’m doing by now.

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June 5, 2015June 5, 2015

When Depression Strikes.

I’m in a mood, a raging horrible mood – but it’s not my fault because you can’t blame me for the fact that everyone around me is a fucking moron. Can you? No. So there we have it. Also you can’t blame me for the fact that the person who made this chair I am sat in intentionally made it too high to slouch properly in, and too low to sit without hurting your back – well done fuckhead you messed it up in each and every possible way, congratulations. And you can’t blame me for making this fucking table which appears to be designed so that the user constantly lashes their knees off it whenever they decide to, oh I don’t know…move.

Imagine if your job is to design furniture…why would you design a steaming great pile of shit claiming it is ready for sale, and be happy to put your name to it? Wouldn’t you be embarrassed and ashamed of such a lousy lump of dog shit?

Perhaps they are all watching me now, perhaps this is all some secret TV prank stunt bullshit, hahaha, let’s see if this sucker puts up with this fun-house carnival style seating arrangement! Oh the laughs, oh the giggles! Fucking bastards. Hate shit like that, can’t you just leave people alone and let them live in peace? Oh no, have to make your programme…have to make your viral vid. Scumbags.

So yes blatantly everyone is working fucking extra hard to piss me off today, that much is clear. And yes I’ve had a lot of coffee but that has nothing to do with how irritable I may appear to be. Sorry, but why is there still a ‘MERRY CHRISTMAS!’ sign up in the corner of the cafe? It’s fucking June. Fucking dumb-asses – if I was to ask could they explain it? You may as well spit in Santa’s face, what disrespect – after all he has done over the years, and this is how you treat him? Should be bitterly ashamed. Christmas is cancelled for everyone working in this coffee shop, give them some coal and make them eat it.

And why do old people talk so loudly during conversations – well shit, just in general? I’m not even sure if the women to my right are even together…because each and every one of them is talking at the same time – like, don’t they know the social conventions of a conversation, huh? Or did they forget that at some point? It’s supposed to be one person speaks, and when they stop it’s another person’s turn – not “ARRRR-BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH” x fucking 3 all at the same fucking time! And what is up with old people having afros? I have never understood that. But perhaps that’s a different point altogether, I don’t know.

I started doing pretend typing for a bit there because some guy was staring at me and I didn’t know where to look. So I just ksdojasdopsadkaskljasdjksdankjasdnjksdakasdksa, until I sensed that he had sat down and had finally remembered that it’s rude to gawk at people you don’t know. No fucking Christmas for him either, coal for him too.

And why do people take selfies? Okay obviously I know why, but there is no humiliation in it any more. I really miss embarrassment, it kept people humble. My laptop just tried to change selfies to selfless, oh the fucking bitter irony.

If I had a rope I would probably lynch the horrible fuck to my left who is screaming down the phone to some sorry sap. He’s slapping the table with every sentence, as if it is fucking punctuation or something – well I wonder how he would like an ellipses of hammer blows to his skull? Probably wouldn’t be fond of that.

Ahh, I feel a little better. If only people would stop slamming the door. God, I hate people – well no, I love people – I just hate each and every person in this specific area. How unfortunate that the most annoying people ever created have congregated in one spot. Lucky me.

I need fresh air. Goodbye.

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May 7, 2015May 7, 2015

Mixed Messages

You can’t win em all…

Play good music at my funeral, and have a few drinks in my honor. That’s all I ask.

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Please buy my collection of stories! Get it in paperback here – or on Kindle here! ALL proceeds go towards Macmillan Cancer Support!

April 9, 2015

Japanese Faces

I just read of a Japanese proverb which goes something like; “you have three faces, – the first you show the world, the second you show to those closest to you, and the third you never show anyone…this is the truest reflection of yourself.”

What do you think about that?

Well I’m not so sure, people often bandy around the expression “two faced” with differing levels of severity; ranging from iconic comic book villain, to your husband/wife sleeping with the neighbour for twenty years. But the truth is we all wear a whole host of different masks – we are each our own personal halloween costume store, and we pick and choose a different guise as and when necessary.

For your viewing pleasure why don’t you take a little tour around my little internal shop? Let’s see what you may find! :

1. The “I just ate an entire large pizza by myself, but I’m not even sorry” face:

2. The “what you said wasn’t remotely funny, but I’m trying to spare your feelings” face:

3. The “why are you distracting me from writing with YouTube videos?” face:

4. The “hello little old lady, I promise I’m not one of those hooligan/thug kids you hear about” face:

5. The “kindergarten teacher” face, aka – the “John Lee Taggart”:

Clearly there are many, many, many more…but I am sure there are other stores to visit, and perhaps you are a little peckish – so off you pop, and come again soon! I get a new collection of masks every month!

But what about you? Come onnnnnn…honesty is the best policy!

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Please buy my collection of stories! Get it in paperback here – or on Kindle here! ALL proceeds go towards Macmillan Cancer Support!

April 7, 2015

Alarm Clock Hock

I used to be awoken by alarm clock every day, like just about everyone the world over…it’s annoying little chime would rudely awake me from my peaceful rest in slumberland, and bring me back to the real world with a grunt and a grimace. However now this routine has became somewhat defunct:

No longer needed!

You see now my new neighbour (who lives just below) wakes me up instead. This is not an improvement by any means. After all he doesn’t come to my door with breakfast, or gently jostle me from my sleep with a good morning tune, or send in some chirping songbirds…no. Instead he wakes me by riving his window open with tremendous force, hocking (by which I mean drawing all of the saliva, and bogies from the back of his throat) a couple of times – and then slamming the window shut so hard that it shakes the entire apartment complex…it’s every single morning with the same visceral middle ages type sound:

“HUUUURRRRRLLLCCCCK! HURRRRRRRLLLLCCCCCK! ARGHHH, ARGHH ~Short sniffle break~ HUUUURRRRRLLLCCCCK! HURRRRRRRLLLLCCCCCK!” (Spit, and repeat up to four times)

“DON’T YOU HAVE A BATHROOM?!” I often find myself screaming out in desperation to the nothingness, to which there is never any reply – I mean it’s 6:30am why would anyone be up apart from Mr. Fucking Saliva; the early bird who is also a dirty worm…

We are yet to meet each other. My imagination is working overtime.

It’s that old chestnut – not knowing what you have until it’s gone. I think back to when I would complain about that annoying polyphonic mobile tone – but now I can’t see how I used to have the audacity! I reckon my blood pressure has gone up twofold since his arrival. In fact it feels like one of those cartoon thermometers every time…rising up rapidly until the glass at the top shatters! Yes, that’s how my day starts…as stressed out, and pissed off as poor old Coyote – except there’s no Road Runner high-jinx involved. Just “HUUUURRRRRLLLCCCCK! HURRRRRRRLLLLCCCCCK!”

If I didn’t spend a couple of hours with the cheeriest of chaps after this, it may be able to affect my day for the worst…but thankfully all the singing, dancing, and I’ll be honest blood-curdling screams takes my mind off it!

Till the next morning of course. “HUUUURRRRRLLLCCCCK! HURRRRRRRLLLLCCCCCK!”

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April 3, 2015April 6, 2015

Men are Dogs.

This may be one of those “is it just me?” circumstances…but honestly that just makes it more pressing that I get it off my chest!

You see I often find that…well…that I regularly…erm…okay. I do that dog thing, the instinctual spin before doing stuff. Not all the time, but it’s there for sure. Sitting down, standing up, bathroom time…the list goes on! Well, actually no. That’s pretty much it, BUT STILL!

Like I was on the subway yesterday, facing a little to the right of the map board…and rather than just turning, I did a moronic 270° turn! WHY OH WHY?! It was made worse because it was a pretty cramped train, as per usual in Seoul, so this little bout of lunacy was a terrific inconvenience for everyone…it is usually half way through the spin that I realise I am doing it, and that it is dumb – but as I’m already in the process I just have to curse myself internally, and finish up…

Which is all well, and good when I am alone! But yesterday in that moment I felt eyes on me, inparticular a (now) rather unhappy looking guy surveying me up and down as if I was a scientific exhibit…

Naturally I tried to focus on the map, as if I didn’t have a care in the world, but the active trying to look cool thing just made me more aware of how socially awkward I really am. And as punishment my cheeks swelled with blood until stress droplets seeped from my forehead, palms, and everywhere else. I started to sweat profusely basically.

I think it probably means that I am more caveman than most, right? That if we were in those times I would be the hero…the guardian of the clan – sworn protector of all…which is why my eyes never sleep, and I am always on watch! OR…well, hmmm…this isn’t as nice sounding – but I guess it could point towards me being far less evolved, basically a big lump who didn’t ever get past the neanderthal stage of it all – actually that totally explains the huge conk of a nose – but no, how come I can’t grow a beard, or thatch a roof using my excess chest hair?

So many questions…so many questions…hmmm…

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Please buy my collection of stories! Get it in paperback here – or on Kindle here! ALL proceeds go towards Macmillan Cancer Support!

January 27, 2015March 8, 2015

The Sad Eyes…

I find young children to be very attentive, certainly a lot more than people give them credit for anyway. It’s easy to look at them playing – pretending to be chasing after an imaginary monster, taking out evil ninjas, or goodness knows what else…and think that they are not clued in to the real world in the same way we are. But in actual fact they are a lot more involved in their emotions, and consequently less guarded with them – this is probably because they don’t have all of the usual adult complications, and worries. Well, that’s one of many reasons, but let’s not get into that!

What the hell am I rambling about this time? Alright, I’ll cut to the chase! You see the day that I was just wandering around, in a bewildered daze...I was actually feeling so lost. I am a positive person, or at least I’d like to think so anyway – but I have these drops down to deep, and rather dark depression every, now and again. Sometimes it just pops out of nowhere – like an evil little gnome….kind of…anyway, it whispers things into my ear, and allows for its wickedness to permeate into my living thoughts. Everything becomes tarnished, and everything becomes shitty in my view…a little bit like Cinderella – but in reverse. So imagine I had the fantastic chariot, the clothes, the dream life so to speak…and then this nasty little critter comes along, and suddenly all I see is a fucking pumpkin.

Not ideal. But anyway, this time around it was to do with the fact I’d just broke up with my girlfriend – we had tried to work out our problems, but they repeated themselves as they so often do. Sometimes you just aren’t making each other happy, and there’s not a lot more to it – just because you want people to change doesn’t mean they do. So this time it is done for good in my head…it’s not so much that I want someone else, it’s that I don’t want to be in a toxic negative situation. I’m certainly not installing Tinder, or hitting the town, and being all “hey good-lookin, how are”…okay, I’ll stop there because I’m making myself cringe. But yeah, I’m not doing any of that.

I’ve told myself I can focus more on my work, write more – be more productive or whatever…which is a plus…but unfortunately I’m not a robot- so those in between days when you’re alone, those are the ones that sting. Those are the ones that the gnome comes out for…

So come Monday morning I was feeling a little better, but still sad. Still would have much rather just sat in my pants, feeling sorry for myself…listening to one of my favourite “boo-hoo lfe is so unfair to me” break-up songs – front runners are Kid Cudi – All Along, and Nirvana-Something in the Way – the gnome loves them too, they’re horribly beautiful – and make me want to shoot myself in the head.

But anyway, I headed into school, desperate to not let it effect my time with the kids. It would be unprofessional, and unfair after all. So, I made sure I was extra-lively, I put on my best Jim Carrey mask, and bounced off the walls even more than usual, my expressions were far crazier, my voices even more weird…the kids were smiling, and laughing – I was doing well, or so I thought until one of the children, Angela – tapped me on the shoulder gently…

“Are you okay?” she gazed up at my face, examining me without a single blink –

“Of course! Today we are going to the PLAY ROOM! WOOOOO!” I replied, with a silly little jig, as the other kids cheered…

“Okay? Really? Teacher…has…sad eyes.”

Well maybe it’s true…actually it certainly is. But there’s happiness out there, just have to find out where.

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p.s. apologies if there aren’t as many posts during this weird time, once I’ve booted the gnome in his face, all will be well in the world again. And services should resume as normal!

January 24, 2015

Lost Marbles

I think I may have just lost my marbles…not literally obviously – I mean I don’t even own marbles in the first place, so it would be impossible to literally lose them. Also I’m quite careful with things, especially with particularly precious items – and I’m guessing they must be pretty fucking special marbles if people bemoan misplacing them quite so much. And make such a huge hullabaloo even when other people do the same with their own…

So yes…metaphorical marbles. I may have lost mine. Although I must say I wasn’t certain – so naturally I turned to the glorious all-knowing oracle we know and love – The Internet…she had this to say:

Well I’m not living under a bridge like poor Jimmy, but I do still feel slightly mad. I left my house today needing a change of scenery, I told myself I’d find a cafe so I could continue. But I didn’t find a cafe…well I did actually, I found several – but I didn’t stop. I just kept walking, and I was like “well, that was a cafe? Why didn’t you go in? What’s going on here?!” But I wasn’t listening to myself, or more to the point – I was, but I was ignoring my own queries every single time I passed a perfectly good place.

Just wandering around, then waiting for the lights to change – and then across the road I’d go, then down a street, then around a corner, and on again…and again, and again…sometimes seeing the same faces of stranger’s – who looked bewildered at having spotted me three times in fifteen minutes. I tried to look like I had direction. Like I had an urgent appointment. A business meeting…a lunch date…something that normal people do…

I feel deranged.

And all of this was poorly glossed over by the music that trickled out of my earphones. A droning crooning…about hearts falling off things, or into things…or something along those lines anyway. It began to grate on me, so much so that I would shut it off completely, if it wasn’t for the fact I’d hear the world’s external sounds. Better this, than that.

But where do you buy marbles? All this coffee, and no fucking marble shops – I haven’t even heard of a marble shop now I come to think of it, have you?

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