Flashback to Jeju Island’s “LoveLand”

And yes…I do wake up in hot sweats from time to time, not sure why…

Anyway – I found this website: http://www.jejuloveland.com/eng.html but I am guessing it is a have to see it to believe it kinda place – they were certainly very inventive with what they could do with the human penis.

Ahem. I am going to stop right there.

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NEVER try to reason with kids…

Just a quick one here, but do please tell me what you would do in this situation.

You see today one of the kids made it his aim to bite my bottom at all costs…like, he wasn’t going to let anything get in his way until my butt cheeks were shredded to pieces and bleeding profusely (not that it matters or anything, but I was wearing white so this would have been an issue)…anyway, yeah – not sure if this kid hadn’t had breakfast or if he had just watched Jaws, but either way he just wouldn’t stop! And I wasn’t really sure what I was supposed to do…like do I just let him do it till he gets bored…or do I make him a sandwich? Like seriously…

He’s one of those huge, how the hell are you only six kinds of kids – I am not sure what his Mother feeds him, but if I had to guess it would be probably be something like; steroids, Miracle-Gro and elephant meat. Anyway…with that said, he is six, so restraining him was still not much of a challenge, even for a skinny guy like me. Problem was that when I put him in a corner by himself, he would start thumping himself on the head, over, and over, and over, and over…

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Old-Man Piss.

You know what I like? Being surprised every now and again – you know, little things! Someone at work bringing me a coffee out of the blue, an unexpected email from a long lost friend, finding money in an old coat…the list goes on! These things serve as little day brighteners that boost your mood and make you feel like the world isn’t all so shitty after all…

But as we all know, not all surprises are positive. In fact some are downright vicious…whether it’s finding out you put on three tons (three pounds if we’re not being dramatic), slipping over on dog shit, walking about with toilet paper attached to your foot, sending a text talking about someone to the actual person, walking in on…okay, so that list also, unfortunately, goes on and on…

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Poo is funny.

pooh

I think you have to be a certain type of person to be a teacher…you have to be supportive, empathetic, motivated AND motivational – actually I’m sure the list of adjectives could go on forever, but I won’t bore you with that. All I’ll say is that when it comes to teaching kindergarten, there is really just one thing you need…one belief that will see you through the day with great success – you can’t exactly put it on your resume as a skill, but it will no doubt make you an automatic success with your class. You must completely and wholeheartedly believe that poo is funny.

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Kindergarten Cutie vs. Teen Psycho.

Kindergarten Cutie vs. Middle School Psychopath.

Seriously…what happens in those years between kindergarten and middle school? The top picture is a lovely note I was given from one of my younger students, the bottom one is yet another crazed piece of work from a young teen I teach in the afternoon. Bizarre!

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Scrotum Stares

Hungary – Budapest ~ 2005

If you ever venture to Eastern Europe, then be prepared for one thing – the stares. They’re wonderful places, and they’re filled with just as wonderful people (I’m sure), but it seems, that wherever you go, the total sum of its inhabitants can’t help but stare you down with a look that says “I’m seriously going to murder you and harvest your organs”. But you know…different cultures, one love, live and let live. All that jazz.

Ermmm. Moving swiftly on!

Anyway, I’ve visited the city of Budapest, in Hungary, a couple of times – and apart from the vicious murderous stares that I’ve just mentioned, I find it to be a beautiful and culturally rich place, what with the elaborate architecture and historic monuments, I would probably recommend it to any would-be tourist! That is, if it wasn’t for the scrotums. You see no trip to Budapest is complete without a visit to the Turkish bath spas…

“You just have to try them! (People will tell you!) You’ll feel so relaxed and it will just melt away your stress!”

Disagree GIF

Well you know what people? Call me a prude if you like, but there is something about a large group of naked 80 year men staring at me while I shower that makes me uncomfortable…maybe it’s the fact that they’re licking their lips? Maybe it’s the fact that their testicles are hanging down to their knees? Who knows…but hey, it didn’t do much for relieving my stress…even when they massaged my shoulders without me giving consent. I didn’t mean to seem ungrateful or anything,  but the whispering in my ear was a bit much.

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The Truth about Dog Cafés…

Unbelievably I have already been in South Korea for eleven months, and I have only just experienced their fabled “dog cafés” this weekend! The reason for the wait you wonder? A mixture of inadvertent racism and unintentional ignorance I’m afraid! You see…when I was in China, a couple of years ago, I found that the dog café scene was distinctly different – namely that man’s best friend was served to you in a stew, in the middle of the table, with rice, and a beer. To answer your question, yes I do still have nightmares.

Dog Cafe GIF

But, more about that another time…

Anyway, so when it was suggested to me in Korea, I was dead set against it! Well, as it turns out, the Korean counterpart is somewhat different…it’s just a café with dogs, that you can pet as you drink your hot chocolate! (Oh, and yeah – the dogs are alive, which is a fantastic feature!) So yes, I was pleased – as it certainly posed less of a moral dilemma this time around…it was “hmmm, coffee or tea?” rather than “hmmm…eat some dog stew or go hungry tonight?”

I must say the whole thing was an interesting novelty; sitting with an americano while a couple of dogs lie lovingly in your lap! However, I wouldn’t suggest it for a first date…I can only imagine that a dog taking a shit on your table might turn the romance levels down to approximately -10, or that a dog pissing on your jeans might kill off any of your chances of a second meeting. Unless you’re into that kind of thing. Erm…

Naturally I feel like a bit of lunatic  now, as I recall screaming at some friends who asked me to accompany them to the same place a few months ago, “NO! I HAVE BEEN ONCE BEFORE IN CHINA AND THAT WAS QUITE ENOUGH – I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU WOULD GO?! WHO ARE YOU? YOU MAKE ME SIIIIIICK!” And all they were doing was going to drink a cup of tea and pet some animals. The word “cringe” doesn’t quite cover it.

Cringe GIF

At any rate, I will be returning as it was definitely a lot of fun; I just hope next time around the sausage dog doesn’t use my thigh in lieu of a girlfriend. That’s all I ask…

I’m off to take four showers, as I still feel dirty.

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똥침 (“Poop-Needle”)

There are always pros and cons to every big decision in life…and if you are a level-headed (ish) kind of person like me, it is best to think things over before jumping into something big. Like moving abroad for example, you do your research and find some other people’s thoughts on the place – they might mention that the country is rich in culture and historic tradition (oooh, interesting!), but also add that there is some negative bias from the older generation against foreigners (oooh, who cares?)…but nowhere in my research of South Korea did I find any reference to the horrific craze among Korean children that is, the “dong-chim” (똥침)

Continue reading “똥침 (“Poop-Needle”)”

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