Writer, Filmmaker, & Procrastinator
This is a tale of woe, a tale of misery…you may even shed a tear…
I mean I just ate a burger so I’m quite content – but what about you?
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Okay internet, we have to talk…and I think you know why…
The fabled “Dadbod” thing that seems to be doing the rounds recently…apparently it’s the new hot thing? That every woman cannot resist? Is…this…like, are you actually for real though? You mean to say that suddenly those Grecian demi-god types, those sculpted walking statues, those action figurine looking fellas… are now of absolutely no value or merit whatsoever? I mean…huh?!
I have seen a lot of commentary about Leonardo DiCaprio, and many articles appear to use him as a figurehead for the Dadbod movement…as if to say;
“Look! Leonardo DiCaprio is slightly overweight, and has a number of girlfriends! This Dadbod thing must be true!”
Which would make sense, if it didn’t make absolutely no sense. It’s almost like people are looking past the fact that he is a multi-millionaire…who also just happens to be LEONARDO DI-FUCKING-CAPRIO! I mean come on! Get real for God’s sake.
The truth of the matter is that it’s an attempt by the media to square up the conversation of body-weight acceptance between genders. A few years ago the “big is beautiful” thing was rolled out for females, and it really caught on – and I can see why! Suddenly women didn’t have to feel marginalised or devalued just because they were not Hollywood slim…this led to many men nodding in agreement, claiming they actually prefer real women, and blah blah blah.
Now that’s all well and good, so please don’t think I’m knocking it.
But then along comes the male version of “big is beautiful” – the Dadbod…
…and well, simply put – I’m not buying it! I would argue males have NEVER had the same kind of pressure based around physical beauty that women have – so this little trend is almost like someone saying; “hey! I took off the shackles – run free!” when the individual wasn’t even chained up in the first place. It just makes no sense…sure men would love to look like Ryan Gosling, Hugh Jackman…or (PICK ANY GLORIOUS CHISELLED ADONIS OF YOUR CHOICE), but if we are not gym going types we just shrug our shoulders and accept our lot; aka pick up the remote and some sort of cheesy snack…
Reason being we don’t get the same body shaming tactics that I feel females have historically received – that’s why it’s hilarious to hear that the Dadbod thing is “in!” You mean to say that I now have permission to eat eight slices of pizza, and drink a few pints of beer whenever I want? And that I am allowed to have that inevitable extra bit of weight as a result?
THANK YOU SO MUCH, I WAS WAITING FOR YOU TO GIVE ME THE GO AHEAD! I HAD BEEN STARVING MYSELF, AND HAD BEEN STONE-COLD SOBER! BUT NOW…PHEW…WHAT A WEIGHT THAT HAS BEEN LIFTED! AND I FEEL HOT BECAUSE YOU HAVE TOLD ME I AM NOW HOT. WOOOO!
Ridiculous. Let’s live in the real world.
Perhaps I’m wrong though…well, I’m not for sure – but what do you think?
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Please buy my collection of stories! Get it in paperback here – or on Kindle here! ALL proceeds go towards Macmillan Cancer Support!
Sitting here, staring into the grey abyss of my cereal bowl. The foul putrid liquid that softens, and dulls the frosted flakes – turning them into flavorless cardboard husks before my very eyes. How did it come to this? Do I deserve this fate, which is surely worse than death?
Low fat…it’s low fun. It’s flavourless, it’s bland. There is no bacon, no cheese. No syrup, no chocolate – no extras, no treats.
You don’t want diabetes, you don’t want cancer, you don’t want obese bum cheeks…or whatever else they say. So naturally you end up following certain elements of these horrible currents of advice. I’m waiting, not so patiently – for when we begin to celebrate real men or whatever, who have a nice little pouch stomach…like a kangaroo I guess, but not as cute, and well no baby – just gluttony in there. When we begin to celebrate real men for having burger bap nipples, and chaffing thighs – well then I can just let go completely, and will possibly never stop. I can’t wait.
Like I literally can’t wait, so fuck it – I’ll just start now, best to get a head start…right?
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Please buy my collection of stories! Get it in paperback here – or on Kindle here! ALL proceeds go towards Macmillan Cancer Support!
I really want to lose weight. I am sick of it. It follows me around everywhere…clinging to me, dragging me down with no regard for how I feel. I have simply grew tired of this one sided relationship! So in desperation I tried to lose it in a shopping mall – I ran around a corner, and kept on running, hid in the bathroom for a little while…then meekly popped my head out to see if it had caught up, it hadn’t! But that moment of triumph was short lived…as it found me again in the food court. It always finds me eventually.
One time I tried to lose it in the countryside, I thought I would take it out, and trek up a huge mountain to wear it out – give a promise of a huge meal at the end of it, and then just leave it there – drive away, and let it starve to death. But then when I returned home, it was already in the kitchen, eyeing up the fridge and cupboards.
It will never leave me, I am stuck in this situation, and will be forever.
A friend of mine said she lost her fat, but it took over three years to do so…apparently it was agonizing, and there were a few occasions when she caved, and would meet up with it – ignore her better judgement, and have a date at Mc Donalds like the good old days! But after a while she cut it off completely…and rarely hears from it these days.
That gives me a glint of hope…maybe someday I can lose my fat too.
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John Lee Taggart 