ARE YOU SEEERIOUS?!? (England)

England ~ Sunderland – 2014

So I’m back to England at long last, and slowly but surely I am getting around to meeting up with my nearest and dearest – it’s always great to be back, but very, very weird…it’s like nothing changes, but at the same time everything does…I don’t know.

Anyway, so last week it was a friend’s birthday, so we got together and celebrated in a suitable fashion – I was excited, it would be good to meet up and reminisce on the old days. And I wasn’t wrong! It was like no time had passed at all, and soon we were back to the usual thing only best friends can get away with…calling each other deeply offensive things, and making fun of each other through a series of brutally embarrassing “did you hear about what happened when he…” tales. You will probably cry yourself to sleep later on while dwelling on these things…and it will all probably lead to deep issues that’ll require a psychiatrist in later life…but never mind, ey?

Yeah…just like the old days! Sob.

After eating at a rather nice Italian restaurant, we were lumbered with a novelty cake that no one wanted to eat…it had seemed like a good idea at the time, but after a big stodgy feast, it was something of a nightmare – which meant that we either had to carry around a Batman box in every pub and club we decided to go to…or pop back and drop it off at the house so we could boogie down without, well, no, with less, embarrassment. It fell to me and a friend to make ourselves useful, so we made arrangements to meet up with the rest of the crew later.

As we bounced back we were both in high spirits! The night was going well, the birthday boy seemed happy, and the reunion with old friends was going as smoothly as ever! But, no, that was soon to change…when we met with – her…

She was a total, and complete stranger. But decided to walk up to me in the middle of the street, and say…

“Are you fucking seeerious???? Are you…like come on…are you serious???”

She stopped in her tracks – staring at me in disbelief, her eyes popping out of her head – gesturing with her hands, pointing up and down in front of me…

“Are you serious, excuse me – like really???”

“Errr…what? Errrr…are you serious? What’s the…”

Awkward Glance GIF

I looked over to my friend and shot him a Professor X mental message of “what the fuck is going on here?!” He shrugged and shook his head. She continued her line of questioning…as her group looked on laughing. I was still confused, but began to walk away…WHAT HAD JUST HAPPENED?!?!?

I asked my friend if what I was wearing was laughable in some way…perhaps I had made some huge fashion faux-pas without realising it…maybe it was like The Emperor’s New Clothes, everyone else was telling me I looked great, but I was actually walking around stark-bollock naked and anyone with a brain was sick in their mouth as soon as they laid eyes on me…I mean, I had actually put a lot of effort into something completely to the contrary – I didn’t want to be the guy who went away for a year and came back looking like an absolute train wreck…with a big untamed Gandalf beard with rotten food from a month ago still lodged inside, and scruffy sandals that were now worn down paper thin! So rather than that, it was a fresh white shirt, navy blue blazer, mustard jeans and some brand spanking new Nike Air Maxes I was pretty proud of. I mean, I had never been able to afford them as a kid, and was forced to miss out on that trend in place of Mother bought Diadora trainers instead. My friend reassured me that I looked fantastic. So the question remained…”what the fuck was her problem?”

I looked at myself again – perhaps something was off – perhaps someone had put a huge “WHITE POWER” badge on my blazer without me realising, or draped a dead baby over my shoulder as some sick practical joke, or maybe my fly was open revealing my whole penis for some unbeknown reason…something…anything!?

Nothing.

Anyway, it got me thinking about manners a little bit – and social etiquette. Because when I had glanced up and spotted her coming towards me my first thoughts were a mixture of “oooh, she’s a larger lady/her hair makes her look like Honey Boo-Boo’s Mother a bit/is that a dress or a curtain/ewww, look at how yellow her teeth are…”

Honey Boo GIF

but you see, this goes through the machine of the mind, also known as GOOD MANNERS AND COMMON COURTESY, and amounts to nothing more than a pleasant smile and a friendly nod. I mean, yes, it backfired and launched this confused inquisition into what the fuck I was doing, and whether or not I was serious about it…but still.

I would never dream (I mean this sounds crazy to even say as a hypothetical!) of running up to her unannounced and asking her just what the fuck she thought she was doing – “Are you with your friends having fun, or are you auditioning for a remake of Mrs. Trunchbull for a Matilda remake?! You stupid bitch, are you serious?” Some would say that would be a tad rude, am I right? Maybe a little uncalled for? Out of line, perhaps?

Mammy Taggart always taught me that it is nice to be nice, and you know what guys? That has served me well so far – so that is my message to you too I suppose! After all, the old stereotype of the Englishman is supposed to be that of the city slicker, the gentleman, RIGHT?

So with all that said…my message to the lady is this…FUCK YOU! Ooops…sorry Mammy Taggart…


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59 thoughts on “ARE YOU SEEERIOUS?!? (England)

  1. Hilarious! I like….’With a big untamed Gandalf beard with rotten food from a month ago still lodged inside, and scruffy sandals that were now worn down paper thin! and all the rest too,.well done John

    Liked by 1 person

    • haha, thank you – it’s a story about nothing really, unfortunately this kind of thing is a regular scenario where I’m from! Doesn’t mean I can’t make fun of it! Anyway, glad you got a laugh out of it, cheers for reading!

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    • Yeah, my computer is constantly changing my spelling to American English, so not surprised you didn’t pick it up straight away! My family live in Newcastle these days, this little run in happened on a return visit to my hometown, Sunderland. Ahhh, how I missed the place…

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      • Ahh, my nephew Michael went to Newcastle University. He is also familiar with Sunderland. The soft so and so thinks that I don’t know about the time he spent a night in the cells there for being drunk and incapable. Still, that was a long time ago. Not that he is much more capable these days mind.

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      • haha, well I have been in that position too, but that is another story for another day. There’s certainly pros and cons for both places, but let’s just say people of her ilk bolster the con section somewhat.

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  2. I thought you were a Yank as well. Welcome home son xx. Your outfit though – is your concern I note, as fashions have probably changed a little since you were away in prison . You wore a sailing blazer, mustard trousers, and little plimsol things on your feet…? I don’t know…and I don’t know where you were or are – but it does sound half ‘Rupert’ – that off-duty army officer look, and half the ‘kung-fu’ which is a different look – I mean, if she was a drunken hag taking offence…they normally like both those sorts of outfits on a man. Maybe she was playing ‘random bloke humiliation,’ they can do that, girls in a crowd: I’m putting myself in her shoes, for you. Personally, I would never wear trainers ‘out’ – but that is a generational and cyclical shift. You’ll notice too hereabouts now, that everybody under 25 currently wears a beard. This is offensive to many of us in the clergy, but is an unrelated issue. If I was to dress you up nicely, I think blue jeans, a nice shirt, a belt and boots is best, You might accessorise this bottom layer with chaps on top, a waistcoat, poncho, a stetson and a horse.

    Liked by 1 person

    • hahahaha, I mean that’s what I get for trying to look all fashionable-like, serves me right really. I have noticed the beard thing – I mean I couldn’t help but notice – they look stuck on, makes me want to run up and tear them off to uncover the disguise…but then I remember that this isn’t Scooby Doo and that actions like that could probably land me in prison, for real. Oh well, I’ll just stare, sure they’ll get the message.

      Anyway I am off to buy a nice poncho, and possibly a horse. Cheers!

      Liked by 2 people

  3. I borrowed some Aussie guy’s lighter at breakfast in a hotel once. Were were outside. I lit my smoke, and when I gave it back to him and said thank you; he replied: “Fuck you.” It’s hard being nice sometimes. But I smiled and ashed in his breakfast. Strange, tough guy didn’t even up. There are some true wankers in this world.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Hope you’re loving your time back. I know exactly what you mean with nothing changing, but everything changing! Every time I go back to my town to visit people I feel like that too.
    Now on to the lady.. maybe her friends dared her to approach you and go crazy? Seems very random. Then again, I don’t know how the british are.. lol

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    • Oh, it’s all good – lovely to be back – although I have a lot of little Euro trips planned, so time back in England is actually like gold dust!

      Perhaps it was a dare, yeah…I could see that happening, but it was in the street…just…I mean, it wasn’t even late…I am still scratching my head – she was a maniac, maybe I can put it down to that, haha!

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  5. I always love reading your stories, I can’t help but think you’d be an interesting person to meet in a bar. You have to wonder sometimes about your luck though, don’t you? You always seem to attract the weirdest people! Poor you. Of course, you could put a spin on the situation and just say that it’s a pity there’s so many weird people in the world. A couple weeks ago I got approached by a man with a foot fetish. Weird crap happens.

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    • haha, well I’ll see you there! You can tell me all about the man with a foot fetish…I do actually attract the weirdos, I’m quite famous for it among my friends, which is great for stories, but not so great for well…me!

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  6. Poor John…..we’re always left feeling just a bit sorry for you and your magnetism for the oddities in life….but in recalling past posts, I’m wondering if you’ve told the story, the whole story, and nothing but the story? That’s just too random to contemplate. There has to be something you’re omitting! 🙂

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    • I wish there was, I really do – haha, it did confuse me – so much so I’ve been scratching my head ever since! There are just random things like this in life – but hey, they make the world an interesting place to be…so err…thanks to this strange lady…? Maybe…

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    • Oh, I love a good “kids these days” speech, often while I am rocking on my rocking chair and throwing my cane at the television! But she was older than me – perhaps ten or more years, who knows? SO yeah…just an odd lady I suppose, with a questionable sense of humour! haha, oh well – we leaughed about it later 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Hahaha (I’m still stuck back on White Power on blazer/dead baby on shoulder/accidentally exposed penis! Brilliant trifecta!!)

    Ok, seriously, that sounds very bizarre, but if I read you right, it sounds like she somehow took offense to your facial acknowledgment of her. Which suggests a paranoid and petty spirit. Return the favor: silently reflect on all the ways you are undoubtedly are, and always will be, better than her. Or I shall do it on your behalf for a small fee.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ahh yes the strength of three, haha! But yeah – perhaps you’re right there, But it was just a quick glance, she literally came up to me – she was about ten years older too…so I have assessed the situation and established she was just a world class bitch and there is really nothing more to it. I think if I started speaking she would just get confused at words longer than four letters.

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  8. She didn’t really see you at all, I’m sure. You just happened to be between her and her imaginary nemesis who was blowing up a building behind you while munching on some fish and chips as her ex (believe it or not, she had one) did some barber work ― or at least that might have been what happened in her drug-addled mind that was still disoriented after falling out the window three blocks down. Maybe? Loved the story! I’m glad to see that I’m not the only one who has random women saying really odd things. I once had one ask me to hold her bag while she tied her shoe, which I did. Then she proceeded to tell me how beautiful my eyes were and how she would love to cut them out and keep them. Being in the middle of a line at a convention, I was panicking hard.

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  9. So back in rainy England…., with your old friends and in comes this woman, or whatever it was. By the way I like the “it´s nice to be nice” and then the fuck you, just comes around quite neatly.

    I could use those Nike….

    Not to be to intrusive, but didn´t I read in one of your posts that there was a possibility of your stories getting published in a comic format?

    Stay Frosty John, keep up posting now that you have finally returned to the your motherland.

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    • That’s right Charly, good memory man!!! I return to Korea early next month, so there will be meetings and such once I get there – still a contract and boring stuff to get over, but it’s looking good! I am a little apprehensive at how big the artist will make my nose…probably be like a shark fin stuck on a face. Oh well.

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  10. Same thing happened to me once. This group of guys in my class were just pointing at me like I had crawled out of a chasm of death in the ground, and I spent the entire day wondering whether my facial features had rearranged themselves while I was taking a nap in class. Turns out I had a nose bleed while I was sleeping and the blood had dried around my nose and mouth.

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    • Oh, thank you so much! That’s a lovely thought! I must say I love the detail you out into your blog, makes me want to step up my skincare routine…haha…God knows I need it 😉

      Anyway, just pleased I can make you laugh, that’s great 🙂

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  11. You should have taken her down!! Girls are just so RUDE these days. I am one of those middle aged women who don’t five a toss, and talk to everybody – the kind everyone calls crazy, but tolerate good humouredly. I have two sons and five stepsons, all range between 18 and 24, so it is great to read your blog!! My biggest worry for them ( and I don”t have many – they should be more worried about their mother who regularly consumes too much alcohol and prescription drugs to be healthy), is meeting a NICE girl. And thanks for visiting my blog. I know its random,

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  12. Glad you could laugh it off. The aggressive rudeness of people in the UK is one of the reasons I don’t miss it much. Good pubs and good humour are the reasons I do. But sad that both those things are disappearing fast from my homeland but good to see someone like yourself keeping the latter alive. Happy travels.

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