5 Stages to a Job Search

To those who don’t know I am back in the UK:

Now this is as wonderful as you may expect; I’m seeing family and old friends, walking around familiar streets and experiencing our tropical climate – however it is also becoming increasingly frustrating. This is for one reason and one reason only: I’m on a hunt for a job, and a good one if you please.

So for your entertainment and my own catharsis I thought I would note down some of the stages to this job search so far – perhaps it may curse me forever, or perhaps (hopefully) the universe will decide to cut me break after this divine offering to the Blogosphere Gods.

Well we can always hope…anyway, here we go – in at number one:

1. Looking through the amazing opportunities:

(ENDLESS SCROLLING AND FUCKING CLICKING)

Clicking GIF

This is great at first as you can look through all of the wonderful positions and delight at how many there are! “I thought there were no jobs?” you chuckle with a moronic sneer to yourself, as if everyone was over-reacting and that somehow you are a genius who will slide into one of these roles so easily it’ll be as if you were always there…

Very quickly you begin to picture yourself in these roles – aaah yes there it is…an amazing image of a suited you dancing merrily in your mind’s eye at a workplace where everyone thinks you are hilarious. Unsatisfied you continue to design this world with further complexity…you will no doubt become a high-flyer, there will be lots of managers saying you did a great job, and everyone will just give you constant high fives for no real reason other than they want to be best pals, and…

But you have to stop your daydreaming at some stage or you will never get to the application process (this takes longer than others to get around to…)

2. Writing out the fine tapestry of your life:

(RE-WRITING YOUR RESUME AGAIN, AND AGAIN, AND AGAIN)

Resume Writing GIF

I blasted off 15 applications on my first day back in the UK…how? Well it was easy, I just found the jobs I liked and sent them a resume – case closed, that’s that! I then slapped my hands together and congratulated myself on a job well done with a sugary tea and a few chocolate brownies. Sounds great so far, I know. 

But this isn’t always the case – actually it usually isn’t for any of the jobs you truly want. You see these corporate devils don’t want your CV (they are allergic to the sight of Microsoft Word I suppose), and instead want you to fill in the exact information that is on your existing resume into their own little boxes. Cue typing, and scrolling, typing and scrolling – until you are so bored of your own life story that you begin to wonder if you should bother in the first place. And you probably wouldn’t if it wasn’t for the whole needing money to feed, clothe and shelter you thing. 

But eventually you get to the next hurdle…albeit with a sore clicking finger.

3. Patiently waiting for your dreams to come true…

(EXPERIENCING BOREDOM, EXHAUSTION, AND RAGE AT THE SAME TIME)

Waiting GIF

It is a well known and scientifically proven fact by the University of Job-Seekers Anonymous that time passes by at a tiny fraction of the rate it would ordinarily when you are waiting for a response about the job interview you just went on. Of course while you are waiting for the answer to what could be a huge section of your later best selling autobiography the people at the office will just be milling around…making cups of tea…talking about weekend plans and whatever else. You are not their priority. Hard to get your head around, but a sad reality.

This information doesn’t particularly help. You are still sat there stressing out and unable to focus on little else, thinking over all of the stupid things you said and all the tremendously impressive things you would have said if you were to be given a second chance…you also eat and drink constantly with little to no enjoyment, in fact grazing would be a better word.

This leads you to begin feeling like a big fat fucking moose as you fucking…argh, why are you such a big useless loser who – OOH AN EMAIL! YES! HERE WE GO FUTURE! 

4. Not getting the job this time around…

(BEING TOLD IN A LOVELY WAY THAT YOU SUCK AND SHOULD NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE)

FUCK YOU GIF

Perhaps you weren’t right for the position, or you weren’t qualified/experienced enough, maybe the owner got someone they knew in or they hired internally…there are many reasons you may have not got it this time…but only one sticks in your mind and torments both your living and sleeping mind.

YOU ARE THE WORST LAHOOOOOSER EVER – IF YOU WERE TO SHOWER FOUR TIMES A DAY YOU STILL COULDN’T WASH THE LAHOOOOSR-ISHNESS OFF YOURSELF!

Or something like that. My point is your mind can be a cruel cruel thing…it is unrelenting and with each email and phone call your resolve only weakens and your lack of confidence grows. It’s pretty grim, but you should…

5. Recognise you are a great person, and that the right job will come along soon.

(HATE YOUR LIFE, AND ALL YOUR PAST CHOICES)

Crying GIF

This is where I am at right now, or at least somewhere between these two polar opposites – things look bleak, and despite the fact it is sure to work its way out somehow/someway eventually…this offers very little comfort. 

So drop some inspiration in the comments…a stage 6 if you will – it’s really what I need to hear right now! And who knows, we could help some others feel better about their job search at the same time!

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Finally Returning Home (FEELINGS)

It’s a very weird thing this whole travelling lark – especially when it is to far-flung lands and for prolonged periods…you see the home you once knew sort of changes…

Would love to hear of some of your experiences with this…

…how did you deal with it, how did you cope with the sudden change?

If you have a video request you can leave a comment, or send me an email – if it’s a cool/interesting idea then I will get to it as soon as I can!

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www.youtube.com/storytimewithjohn101

Please buy my collection of stories! Get it in paperback here – or on Kindle here! ALL proceeds go towards Macmillan Cancer Support!

ROTK

Just a quick one to keep you guys updated!

I am finally, finally, finally returning to Korea! After a long wait, employment fall-outs, and various visa complications (that I won’t go into or I will give myself high blood pressure) I am set to travel back to my adopted home tomorrow morning! There were times when I thought the day would never come!

Happy Jez GIF

But if you think it is all fun and games, then think again…I mean, just have a look at my flight schedule below. It’s as if Satan himself designed it. This is what happens when you don’t book flights yourself I guess…perhaps it’s a test…I think just like most of my Maths exams at school, I will fail. I looked around in the medicine section of the supermarket today, hoping there were some powerful pills that would just knock me out so I could sleep through the whole thing…you know something named like EXTRA STRENGTH NITRO SNOOZE or something…I dunno…but I couldn’t see anything of the sort, it was all herbal slumber and blah blah blah…I am thinking I will just make friends with the passenger next to me in each of the flights and ask him/her to bonk me on the head with a fire extinguisher or something.

MONSTER FLIGHT

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK! WHY IS THE WORLD SO BIG, AND WHY CAN PLANES NOT JUST HURRY UP – GAWD LAZY ENGINES, GET A MOOOOVE ON!!!!

Crying Jim GIF

Wish me luck…I NEED IT!

ARE YOU SEEERIOUS?!? (England)

England ~ Sunderland – 2014

So I’m back to England at long last, and slowly but surely I am getting around to meeting up with my nearest and dearest – it’s always great to be back, but very, very weird…it’s like nothing changes, but at the same time everything does…I don’t know.

Anyway, so last week it was a friend’s birthday, so we got together and celebrated in a suitable fashion – I was excited, it would be good to meet up and reminisce on the old days. And I wasn’t wrong! It was like no time had passed at all, and soon we were back to the usual thing only best friends can get away with…calling each other deeply offensive things, and making fun of each other through a series of brutally embarrassing “did you hear about what happened when he…” tales. You will probably cry yourself to sleep later on while dwelling on these things…and it will all probably lead to deep issues that’ll require a psychiatrist in later life…but never mind, ey?

Yeah…just like the old days! Sob.

After eating at a rather nice Italian restaurant, we were lumbered with a novelty cake that no one wanted to eat…it had seemed like a good idea at the time, but after a big stodgy feast, it was something of a nightmare – which meant that we either had to carry around a Batman box in every pub and club we decided to go to…or pop back and drop it off at the house so we could boogie down without, well, no, with less, embarrassment. It fell to me and a friend to make ourselves useful, so we made arrangements to meet up with the rest of the crew later.

As we bounced back we were both in high spirits! The night was going well, the birthday boy seemed happy, and the reunion with old friends was going as smoothly as ever! But, no, that was soon to change…when we met with – her…

She was a total, and complete stranger. But decided to walk up to me in the middle of the street, and say…

“Are you fucking seeerious???? Are you…like come on…are you serious???”

She stopped in her tracks – staring at me in disbelief, her eyes popping out of her head – gesturing with her hands, pointing up and down in front of me…

“Are you serious, excuse me – like really???”

“Errr…what? Errrr…are you serious? What’s the…”

Awkward Glance GIF

I looked over to my friend and shot him a Professor X mental message of “what the fuck is going on here?!” He shrugged and shook his head. She continued her line of questioning…as her group looked on laughing. I was still confused, but began to walk away…WHAT HAD JUST HAPPENED?!?!?

I asked my friend if what I was wearing was laughable in some way…perhaps I had made some huge fashion faux-pas without realising it…maybe it was like The Emperor’s New Clothes, everyone else was telling me I looked great, but I was actually walking around stark-bollock naked and anyone with a brain was sick in their mouth as soon as they laid eyes on me…I mean, I had actually put a lot of effort into something completely to the contrary – I didn’t want to be the guy who went away for a year and came back looking like an absolute train wreck…with a big untamed Gandalf beard with rotten food from a month ago still lodged inside, and scruffy sandals that were now worn down paper thin! So rather than that, it was a fresh white shirt, navy blue blazer, mustard jeans and some brand spanking new Nike Air Maxes I was pretty proud of. I mean, I had never been able to afford them as a kid, and was forced to miss out on that trend in place of Mother bought Diadora trainers instead. My friend reassured me that I looked fantastic. So the question remained…”what the fuck was her problem?”

I looked at myself again – perhaps something was off – perhaps someone had put a huge “WHITE POWER” badge on my blazer without me realising, or draped a dead baby over my shoulder as some sick practical joke, or maybe my fly was open revealing my whole penis for some unbeknown reason…something…anything!?

Nothing.

Anyway, it got me thinking about manners a little bit – and social etiquette. Because when I had glanced up and spotted her coming towards me my first thoughts were a mixture of “oooh, she’s a larger lady/her hair makes her look like Honey Boo-Boo’s Mother a bit/is that a dress or a curtain/ewww, look at how yellow her teeth are…”

Honey Boo GIF

but you see, this goes through the machine of the mind, also known as GOOD MANNERS AND COMMON COURTESY, and amounts to nothing more than a pleasant smile and a friendly nod. I mean, yes, it backfired and launched this confused inquisition into what the fuck I was doing, and whether or not I was serious about it…but still.

I would never dream (I mean this sounds crazy to even say as a hypothetical!) of running up to her unannounced and asking her just what the fuck she thought she was doing – “Are you with your friends having fun, or are you auditioning for a remake of Mrs. Trunchbull for a Matilda remake?! You stupid bitch, are you serious?” Some would say that would be a tad rude, am I right? Maybe a little uncalled for? Out of line, perhaps?

Mammy Taggart always taught me that it is nice to be nice, and you know what guys? That has served me well so far – so that is my message to you too I suppose! After all, the old stereotype of the Englishman is supposed to be that of the city slicker, the gentleman, RIGHT?

So with all that said…my message to the lady is this…FUCK YOU! Ooops…sorry Mammy Taggart…


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