GTL (Gym Tastes Lackadaisical)

I looked in the mirror yesterday after a shower, and just thought “you fat cunt” – actually I said it out loud (is that worse or better?), this was followed by a look of disdain from both myself and the reflection that stared back at me. I practically wept…I mean, what the hell has happened to me?!

Crying Baby GIF

“IT’S NOT MEEEE – IT CAN’T BEEEEEEEEE?!?!?!?!”

I don’t know what it is…there’s just something about looking like a huge slab of pork, that makes me vomit in my mouth every time I catch sight of myself. I wished that I could refer to my gigantic sides as love handles, but right now they are just flabby masses that my tighter t-shirts can no longer handle yeyyyy, baggy shirts that make me look like even more of a walrus! GreatI wish I could be all sassy and “I’m comfortable with who I am, so if you don’t like it, fuck off” but that’s not me at all…

Instead I am left to dwell on the poor quality human I am…maybe this is too much information, but I don’t think the man-boob nipple area is supposed to look as much like a beef burger as mine does – I suppose they do say you are what you eat though, so in that sense – fair enough. That theory would also explain my fatty chicken thighs, pork chop cheeks, jelly belly, and spotted dick. hahaha! I’m just joking…or am I? No I am…or…no I am.

Anyway, I decided that I had to do something about it so immediately signed up for the local gym in my new town! I was full of so much enthusiasm that first day, I quite literally hopped and skipped all the way there! I was ready to get started!

Fat But Awesome GIF

“White men can’t jump? FUCK YOU STEREOTYPES! God, I’m thirsty.”

It was an absolute nightmare. Just checking, but are you supposed to feel sick after every single movement? You’re not right? Even the ones where you get to sit down are a challenge…who ever thought sitting down would be anything but nice? You have to push the heavy things, pull the heavy things, pick them up…put them down, do it again, have a break (but not like a tea and biscuit type break, just water) – but you know…oh, you know – that soon you will be going back to the same thing in just a few short moments. I mean it’s terrifying really. My body was literally screaming, STOPPPPPPPP, PLEASE STOP, IF YOU STOP WE CAN GET A DOUGHNUT AND JUST FORGET ABOUT THIS WHOLE THING! And I was inclined to agree with my body, but then of course there are mirrors everywhere and you remember why you are there in the first place – the reason being that it looks like you are wearing a life jacket under your clothing, and you are worried people may use you as a buoyancy aid should you be swimming in the sea.

I have taken a “before photo”, which is just beyond gross – in the hope that I can compare it with the after model that I will carve out…which will hopefully be an amazing, superbly chiseled physique, …God like if you will…but not like beardy and robes, but all Greek…in short, I want to transform myself into a creature of mythological proportions, a person who inspires awe, so much so that people tell stories to their children about me…possibly even folk songs, or cave paintings…

This will be me at the New Year countdown ~

Phil Heath GIF

“I LIKEA DO DA CHA-CHA AT THA GUN SHOW!”

That’s not asking too much, surely?

I am returning home for Christmas this year, first time in three years that I will spend it with my family (missed the last two, booohooo!) By my rough estimations, (which are not fueled by mathematical and/or scientific evidence) – this should be more than enough time to right the wrongs that I have did to myself.

Paul Rudd GIF

“There’s no such thing as too much groin.”

In other, entirely unrelated news – boxes of Krispy Kreme are buy one get one free today. Good times!

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78 thoughts on “GTL (Gym Tastes Lackadaisical)

  1. I love this article! I always feel so self conscious at gyms – everyone seems to know what they’re doing and even the girls manage to wear makeup which isn’t running* down their face (what is that about?!). I therefore chose to do sit-ups at home with two bottles of wine in my hands as weights (which I consume straight after to get over the trauma) 🙂

    *no pun intended

    Liked by 5 people

  2. Oh my goodness! You are so funny. I do wish you luck on your exercise journey. Don’t worry! I get so disappointed by all the “exercise makes me feel awesome!” people because I never feel awesome after.
    P.S. I’m not sure how I feel about the pictures. Especially the creepy baby. I’m laughing with tears. Hahaha!

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    • Thank you, haha! I feel awesome after, well…relieved would be a more fitting word actually! Same thing? No, I guess not.

      The pictures were just so STUPID, probably the most ridiculous ones I have ever used! 😀

      Thanks for stopping by!

      Like

  3. You made so much in your young life already. So this shouldn’t be a problem at all. It is only about discipline and having your goal in front of your eyes. You can help yourself forcing the outcome by drinking lots of water (only water) and skipping all the sweet stuff. You will be surprised, but you can really wean from something in a pretty short time. It is not forever but at least until you are happy with your look. And the good part is, since weaning your body from the used sweet stuff it is not interested in all of that junk anymore. Don’t lose your goal out of sight! If it is important for you then you will make it! If it is not important enough to hang in then accept it as well and don’t be sorry for yourself 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • Wise words Erika, wise words! I am taking steps, I do falter often, but I will stick with it all the same (doesn’t mean I won’t be dramatic and complain a lot though 😉 haha) You seem fit and healthy, so I shall follow your advice!

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  4. John, I love your posts and thought the videos in this one were very apt. I have to admit though that I do struggle with the swear words, but that is just me and despite feeling ‘uncomfortable’ at times I still have to laugh (and cry sometimes) at the way you right and the way you view the world! All my empathy for the weight loss and gyming! Believe me, I know that feeling when you look in the mirror and think ‘where on earth did that triple chin come from’ and the fact that all your clothes seems to have shrunk in the wash. Good luck.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m glad Noelene, I know it isn’t to everyone’s taste (which is fine), but I don’t like to remove it as it wouldn’t be my authentic voice if you will, I know what I mean haha 😉

      Anyway, I too am insisting there has been some clothes shrinkage at play, haha – better not to face the truth…hopefully I will set things right!

      Liked by 1 person

  5. This was so funny, John. Sorry, I don’t mean to laugh at you, but you write absolutely brilliantly!

    As for training? Yes, I know. I want to get back into fitness as well. I need to use energy so I would eat more. I know, a stupid problem, but whenever (once in a blue moon) I do go to the doctors it always takes me half an hour to explain that I actually am eating and not starving myself. Can’t help having a small frame.

    Also- it doesn’t matter what size you are- as I found out, a tiny ant like me could me more unfit than a person 2 sizes bigger than me because of internal fat around the inner organs… sounds creepy, I know…

    Liked by 1 person

    • haha, glad you think so! Urgh, it seems a long uphill road this whole fitness malarky, one I would rather not take but never mind – has to be done…right? Wait…right? Because if not I am so lazy and would rather just lie in bed eating!

      Urgh.

      Like

  6. People in fitness videos makes exercising seem like a walk in the park.I actually watch the moves and say in my mind ‘pfttt..I can totally do that’.Then I get on the floor and after a minute of pushing myself I pant and lay there for close to 30 minutes before trying the next move.So don’t beat yourself up too much.Some people are from the planet JupFITer.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I always watch what I eat. I have to make sure it doesn’t go to waste. I exercise everyday to. I serve my self, I go for seconds, sometimes thirds. Cup up, then down. Scoop food, now chew, feel the burn. Oh yeah!!! 😉

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  8. The first gif frightened the shit out of me, then I calmed down and read the rest of the post. Very funny cos I am a recent member of the -holy shit how did I put on so much weight – club. But now I finished reading I Want Food

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  9. This post spoke to me sooooo much. I am currently in a similar delimma. And I have an audition next month for a character that’s supposed to be a model. HA! Right. Let’s see how that goes. I’m going to the gym, but the tastey food keeps calling my damn. *shakes fist in air*

    Liked by 1 person

  10. This post made me go “HAHAHHAHA” and “AWWWWWWWW” at several different moments. Reading this while sitting on the couch at home, and my sister asked me, “Is this how you read things at the library?” And if I’m being completely honest, I would do all of the same things without the audio. So I’d just be making really weird faces at my laptop. BUT BACK TO THE POST!

    I can’t say that I’ve ever seen you naked, but I’m sure things aren’t as bad as you describe them to be. Plus, you work with kids who have a habit of being brutally honest. If you were gaining loads of weight, they would tell you HAHA.

    But I feel your pain! Went to the gym yesterday with my super fit friend, and I felt winded after 30 min on the elliptical. I told her about how bad I was feeling, and she just kinda laughed at me and continued to do cardio for another half hour. While I slowly walked on the treadmill next to her trying to loosen my poor muscles 😦

    Wishing you the best of luck in your fitness endeavors! But remember to not be so hard on yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

    • hahaha, how funny – I am always aware of grinning like an idiot on the subway, or actually bursting out laughing at times and having to scratch my head and return to the usual silent drone with the rest of the public!

      haha, the naked thing made me laugh – but listen it is horrendous, well okay it isn’t but it is pretty bad. It is about time that I did something about it…too much “hello, how have been?” dinners and drinks with old friends when I was visiting back home!

      30 mins WOW! I am impressed, but maybe that shows my level 😉 I am off there now…urgh…

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      • You see, I’m never really aware of it happening, it just happens. And then I look up, trying to see if someone is going to smile or laugh with me, but most of the time they’re just looking like, “What a weirdo!” But you know, can’t please everybody.

        That is true. Seeing people you haven’t seen in a while somehow gives off pressure that you have to look good. Like all the people who suddenly start working out a week before their high school reunion.

        I’m impressed with myself for finishing the fitness program. You can choose different “programs” which puts you through different resistance intervals and stuff. I felt so accomplished! It was only overshadowed by the fact that my friend has done this a thousand times. When the screen said that I had completed it, I literally did a fist pump in the middle of the gym.

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  11. This spoke to me so much, haha! Except imagine being in a place where you are going to get so big that you might literally explode and then you can’t do exercise that’s too strenuous and you just have to wait for the human being growing inside of you to GET OUT!! I haven’t gotten so big yet that I don’t fit in my clothes…..but it’s just around the corner and it’s killing me already! I kind of have to resign myself to being a fatty for a few months and I think I’m going to go cry…….
    HOLD THE PHONE!! KRISPY KREME?!? Oh no!! BABY WANTS DONUTS!!! I gotta go now…..

    Good luck on going to the gym! You can do it!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I mean sure, the whole human being growing inside you is scary as shit…BUT, you have a great (and valid wooo) excuse to totally pig out, well that is what I would do and that is why I am in this mess in the first place I guess…so err, maybe don’t take that advice, actually do you deserve this!

      Meanwhile I “eat for two” with no known reason other than greed and gluttony 😉 hence, the gym 😦

      Liked by 1 person

  12. Been there, said that. (Fat cunt…lol) You gotta find a way to make your work out fun…or find a way to distract yourself so you don’t notice how fuckn awful it is. Music, YouTube, whatever. Great post though. Loled all the way down.

    Like

  13. RIGHT, YOU SHOULD SEE P.E AT MY SCHOOL.
    You do cross – country for like an hour, then push-ups, then you do a LOT of stretches.
    Believe me, they try to make you feel like you are SERIOUSLY UNFIT!
    Now, about the bit at the end…
    I THINK I WILL OVERLOAD ON DOUGHNUTS FOR A WHILE…

    Liked by 1 person

  14. It’s hard work, but well worth it. I have recently started a strict workout, and while I haven’t even lost any weight, I can definitely feel the muscle definition. The best thing is to have a motivation partner 🙂
    Keep up the good work!

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  15. Having started much heavier than I am now, and having paused to take a rest, I can certainly feel with/for you in your return to the gym. It’s been at least six months since I was there seriously last, and man did it show the first week! I still haven’t gotten back to the heavy stuff, but at least the water is starting to feel like a second home again. Perhaps, when the year turns its corner, we can share horror stories between now and then? (Or should I say hilarious stories?)

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  16. Hi John! Not sure if you read one of my really early blog posts (called I’m a Model / You Know What I Mean) where I talk about just how unfortunately catchy this whole negative body image thing can be – for men and women! 😦 Don’t buy into it – we always tend to be harder on ourselves than anyone else. Best of luck with the fitness regime, and take care!

    Like

  17. Gym is for wimps anyway! Thanks for liking Five Go Mad John. I look forward to pulling up a chair now and then. I am very envious of your swanky blog and it’s gorgeous design – complete with buttons that work and links that link. I look forward to the day I’m that technologically advanced. For now I’ll have to hope my words make up for what the design lacks. Oh, and I’m in awe of you getting the word lackadaisical (had to check the spelling) in your title. Cyber chat again no doubt. Jo (aka The Reluctant Housewife)

    Like

  18. Bahahahaaaa….This killed me. SO funny! The picture at the end was the icing on the cake. Or should I say the Krispy on the Kreme? Awesome post John.

    Like

  19. Lol honestly you. I think you’d be better off with exercise that is soothing and fun like tai chi (for the prematurely old and grumpy among us – like me, ahem) or something that gives you instant achievement like housework. Cleaning is always a workout.

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    • My Momma is a yoga teacher, maybe I should try and get lessons…well she gave me one recently, and it became clear that I am about as flexible as a an uncooked piece of spaghetti. Maybe I will try housework…can’t make any promises though 😉

      Like

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