What Food Cravings REALLY Mean…

This is a tale of woe, a tale of misery…you may even shed a tear…

I mean I just ate a burger so I’m quite content – but what about you?

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The Dadbod Myth

Okay internet, we have to talk…and I think you know why…

The fabled “Dadbod” thing that seems to be doing the rounds recently…apparently it’s the new hot thing? That every woman cannot resist? Is…this…like, are you actually for real though? You mean to say that suddenly those Grecian demi-god types, those sculpted walking statues, those action figurine looking fellas… are now of absolutely no value or merit whatsoever? I mean…huh?!

Bothering GIF

I have seen a lot of commentary about Leonardo DiCaprio, and many articles appear to use him as a figurehead for the Dadbod movement…as if to say;

“Look! Leonardo DiCaprio is slightly overweight, and has a number of girlfriends! This Dadbod thing must be true!” 

Which would make sense, if it didn’t make absolutely no sense. It’s almost like people are looking past the fact that he is a multi-millionaire…who also just happens to be LEONARDO DI-FUCKING-CAPRIO! I mean come on! Get real for God’s sake.

The truth of the matter is that it’s an attempt by the media to square up the conversation of body-weight acceptance between genders. A few years ago the “big is beautiful” thing was rolled out for females, and it really caught on – and I can see why! Suddenly women didn’t have to feel marginalised or devalued just because they were not Hollywood slim…this led to many men nodding in agreement, claiming they actually prefer real women, and blah blah blah.

Now that’s all well and good, so please don’t think I’m knocking it.

But then along comes the male version of “big is beautiful” – the Dadbod

Dadbod GIF

…and well, simply put – I’m not buying it! I would argue males have NEVER had the same kind of pressure based around physical beauty that women have – so this little trend is almost like someone saying; “hey! I took off the shackles – run free!” when the individual wasn’t even chained up in the first place. It just makes no sense…sure men would love to look like Ryan GoslingHugh Jackman…or (PICK ANY GLORIOUS CHISELLED ADONIS OF YOUR CHOICE), but if we are not gym going types we just shrug our shoulders and accept our lot; aka pick up the remote and some sort of cheesy snack…

Reason being we don’t get the same body shaming tactics that I feel females have historically received – that’s why it’s hilarious to hear that the Dadbod thing is “in!” You mean to say that I now have permission to eat eight slices of pizza, and drink a few pints of beer whenever I want? And that I am allowed to have that inevitable extra bit of weight as a result?

THANK YOU SO MUCH, I WAS WAITING FOR YOU TO GIVE ME THE GO AHEAD! I HAD BEEN STARVING MYSELF, AND HAD BEEN STONE-COLD SOBER! BUT NOW…PHEW…WHAT A WEIGHT THAT HAS BEEN LIFTED! AND I FEEL HOT BECAUSE YOU HAVE TOLD ME I AM NOW HOT. WOOOO!

Homer Dadbod GIF

 Ridiculous. Let’s live in the real world. 

Perhaps I’m wrong though…well, I’m not for sure – but what do you think?

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The Rebellion of the Stomach

This is a bit of an over-share, I know that for certain…but I am hoping someone can shine some light on what is so far a very dark day…

So after an innocent child mistook my man boobs for actual woman’s boobs sometime last week (to my absolute horror), I decided that perhaps I should clean myself up a bit. You know, look at my diet and regime to see what can be altered…so that people can hopefully stop asking me if I’ve had a sex change. That’s all I ask really, it’s not much is it? 

Pretty Please GIF

Well I saw that lunch and dinner (usually…) aren’t too much of a problem as I go for traditional style food…high in salt sure, but mainly balanced and full of vegetables. So instead it was breakfast where I was lacking, and making poor choices. Well not poor choices, fucking fantastically delicious choices – but you know what I mean. Not good for the dear old belly – although at the time they make the cuddly chap very happy indeed.

Oh, interesting side note – if I latch my belt tighter by one extra hole then it gives the appearance of a flatter stomach. Thought I would share that, because right now the discovery is changing my life. I am having my cake, and beating it! (Beating the bulge that is.)

Anyway, yeah – back to the horrendous diet thing. So I bought a load of fruits and vegetables, which as we all know are way more fun to buy than disgusting tasting things like pizza, burgers, and chips. I mean, ewww! Cheese? Grease? Fatty goodness? Gimme a break…some people are so selfish. They only like things that are like…delicious…in an obvious in your face kind of way. They have such lazy tastebuds. Myself however, I prefer things like fruit, and vegetables…because you really have to discover the tastes, and also (more often than not) lie to yourself and pretend it tastes great – which takes great dedication and character.

Harry Liar GIF

NO SERIOUSLY HARRY! That’s what real functioning adults do, and if you don’t do the same then you are a total loser and deserve to be thrown into a deep fat fryer – your natural habitat…

…ahh Harry man, I can’t stay mad at you – you were right.  This new fruit and vegetables for breakfast thing is ruining my life, and I am only like two days into it. Today I’ve had three poops and it’s not even 3pm yet. I mean…that’s simply not normal is it? When you have a pet rabbit it’s like fair-dos but humans have other things to do than sit on the pot 24-7. Or at least so I thought. 

Is this how all of the health nuts live? All the people that shame others into eating “right” in order to live forever (or whatever the claim is) – is this how their day looks? Just constant pooing? Is it like a fetish thing? Do they do it intentionally, or is this just a terrible yet unavoidable side effect?

Or am I a broken human, and this shouldn’t be happening? Perhaps I’m faulty? Maybe I should just have a pizza, and make everything okay again? Yeah…yeah? 

Oui GIF

ALRIGHT I’M HITTING THE RESET BUTTON! BACK TO PARADISE I GO, AWOOOOOOO, SEE YOU ON THE OTHER SIDE SUCKAS!

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REJOICE MANKIND!

I HAVE SOME FANTASTIC NEWS FOR YOU! NEW, AND VERY SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH FROM MY KINDERGARTEN CLASS! BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU READ PEOPLE!

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Low Fat…Low Fun.

Sitting here, staring into the grey abyss of my cereal bowl. The foul putrid liquid that softens, and dulls the frosted flakes – turning them into flavorless cardboard husks before my very eyes. How did it come to this? Do I deserve this fate, which is surely worse than death? 

Low fat…it’s low fun. It’s flavourless, it’s bland. There is no bacon, no cheese. No syrup, no chocolate – no extras, no treats.

EATING B GIF

You don’t want diabetes, you don’t want cancer, you don’t want obese bum cheeks…or whatever else they say. So naturally you end up following certain elements of these horrible currents of advice. I’m waiting, not so patiently – for when we begin to celebrate real men or whatever, who have a nice little pouch stomach…like a kangaroo I guess, but not as cute, and well no baby – just gluttony in there. When we begin to celebrate real men for having burger bap nipples, and chaffing thighs – well then I can just let go completely, and will possibly never stop. I can’t wait. 

EATING A GIF

Like I literally can’t wait, so fuck it – I’ll just start now, best to get a head start…right? 

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Losing weight.

I really want to lose weight. I am sick of it. It follows me around everywhere…clinging to me, dragging me down with no regard for how I feel. I have simply grew tired of this one sided relationship! So in desperation I tried to lose it in a shopping mall – I ran around a corner, and kept on running, hid in the bathroom for a little while…then meekly popped my head out to see if it had caught up, it hadn’t! But that moment of triumph was short lived…as it found me again in the food court. It always finds me eventually.

Fat GIF

One time I tried to lose it in the countryside, I thought I would take it out, and trek up a huge mountain to wear it out – give a  promise of a huge meal at the end of it, and then just leave it there – drive away, and let it starve to death. But then when I returned home, it was already in the kitchen, eyeing up the fridge and cupboards.

It will never leave me, I am stuck in this situation, and will be forever.

A friend of mine said she lost her fat, but it took over three years to do so…apparently it was agonizing, and there were a few occasions when she caved, and would meet up with it – ignore her better judgement, and have a date at Mc Donalds like the good old days! But after a while she cut it off completely…and rarely hears from it these days.

That gives me a glint of hope…maybe someday I can lose my fat too.

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GTL (Gym Tastes Lackadaisical)

I looked in the mirror yesterday after a shower, and just thought “you fat cunt” – actually I said it out loud (is that worse or better?), this was followed by a look of disdain from both myself and the reflection that stared back at me. I practically wept…I mean, what the hell has happened to me?!

Crying Baby GIF

“IT’S NOT MEEEE – IT CAN’T BEEEEEEEEE?!?!?!?!”

I don’t know what it is…there’s just something about looking like a huge slab of pork, that makes me vomit in my mouth every time I catch sight of myself. I wished that I could refer to my gigantic sides as love handles, but right now they are just flabby masses that my tighter t-shirts can no longer handle yeyyyy, baggy shirts that make me look like even more of a walrus! GreatI wish I could be all sassy and “I’m comfortable with who I am, so if you don’t like it, fuck off” but that’s not me at all…

Instead I am left to dwell on the poor quality human I am…maybe this is too much information, but I don’t think the man-boob nipple area is supposed to look as much like a beef burger as mine does – I suppose they do say you are what you eat though, so in that sense – fair enough. That theory would also explain my fatty chicken thighs, pork chop cheeks, jelly belly, and spotted dick. hahaha! I’m just joking…or am I? No I am…or…no I am.

Anyway, I decided that I had to do something about it so immediately signed up for the local gym in my new town! I was full of so much enthusiasm that first day, I quite literally hopped and skipped all the way there! I was ready to get started!

Fat But Awesome GIF

“White men can’t jump? FUCK YOU STEREOTYPES! God, I’m thirsty.”

It was an absolute nightmare. Just checking, but are you supposed to feel sick after every single movement? You’re not right? Even the ones where you get to sit down are a challenge…who ever thought sitting down would be anything but nice? You have to push the heavy things, pull the heavy things, pick them up…put them down, do it again, have a break (but not like a tea and biscuit type break, just water) – but you know…oh, you know – that soon you will be going back to the same thing in just a few short moments. I mean it’s terrifying really. My body was literally screaming, STOPPPPPPPP, PLEASE STOP, IF YOU STOP WE CAN GET A DOUGHNUT AND JUST FORGET ABOUT THIS WHOLE THING! And I was inclined to agree with my body, but then of course there are mirrors everywhere and you remember why you are there in the first place – the reason being that it looks like you are wearing a life jacket under your clothing, and you are worried people may use you as a buoyancy aid should you be swimming in the sea.

I have taken a “before photo”, which is just beyond gross – in the hope that I can compare it with the after model that I will carve out…which will hopefully be an amazing, superbly chiseled physique, …God like if you will…but not like beardy and robes, but all Greek…in short, I want to transform myself into a creature of mythological proportions, a person who inspires awe, so much so that people tell stories to their children about me…possibly even folk songs, or cave paintings…

This will be me at the New Year countdown ~

Phil Heath GIF

“I LIKEA DO DA CHA-CHA AT THA GUN SHOW!”

That’s not asking too much, surely?

I am returning home for Christmas this year, first time in three years that I will spend it with my family (missed the last two, booohooo!) By my rough estimations, (which are not fueled by mathematical and/or scientific evidence) – this should be more than enough time to right the wrongs that I have did to myself.

Paul Rudd GIF

“There’s no such thing as too much groin.”

In other, entirely unrelated news – boxes of Krispy Kreme are buy one get one free today. Good times!

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