Posted on by Storytime with John

KIDS MAKE ME SICK.

Kids make me sick. And, no, not just uncomfortable, or a little bit queasy – but down right, pit of the stomach, SICK. It’s just something that they do that can turn that “thank God it’s Friday!” feeling, into “thank God I didn’t eat a large greasy breakfast”…let me run you through Friday’s events real quick ~

So I’m sitting in my kindergarten class, going through one of the books – most of the kids say that it is “easy peas” (they’re Korean so cut them some slack on the misuse of the phrase!), however one of the boys struggles with learning difficulties, so I’m giving him a little bit of extra help. That’s when I hear the long whine that I hear about 3000 times a day (approximately): “Teeeeeeeaaaacccccherrr? Oh, Teaaaaaachhherrrr? Teeaaaaachherrr! TEAAAA-“

“Oh my GOH…WHAT?”

As I turn in a fit of rage (but still trying to maintain a pleasant kindergarten-esque smile), I see a horrendous sight. A six year old boy. With his arms outstretched, a crayon in each hand, has the squelchiest sick ever seen ALL down his front. He stares at me without blinking. I look him up and down, examining the new addition to his teddy bear t-shirt, in sheer disgust. This most certainly was not in the job description.

SHOCKER GIF

That’s when I suddenly realise I shouldn’t make a big deal out of it, so I walk around to his table, with as close to a reassuring face as I can muster. “Don’t worry, we’ll get you, WHOA, WOW”, that’s when I almost slide over on the mixture of rice(?) and carrot(?) that is right by his chair. So I pull him up without looking at it again and walk him out. (For some reason he still holds his arms out, holding the crayons, as if crucified in a state of shock).

I explain as best as I can to the assistant teacher outside, she nods and hands me some face wipes. FACE WIPES?! Perhaps I had some on my face? Did he projectile vomit all over me? Maybe I am in a similar state of shock, so I don’t realise? Not sure…oh no, scratch that! She’s gesturing that I should clean it up with them. Fantastic stuff. Thank God, it’s Friday.

So as I drag myself back into the room, which we can now refer to as, “THE PIT OF STENCH”, the other kids are going crazy, waving their hands over their noses at a frenetic pace and squealing in weird excitement; accompanied with the putrid smell, it is all making me very dizzy. Anyway, duty beckons – so begrudgingly I kneel down next to the specimen, I don’t want to seem like I’m scared of a little bit of…“URGAAAH” I yelp unintentionally…I’d forgotten just how gross the sight was. Of course onlookers think it is hilarious…I force myself on, and get out a few of the face wipes (like seriously though, what the hell?), and attempt to mop it up, I am of course, ill-equipped, and the sloppy goo seeps over the top of the wet tissue and floods between my fingers, “URGAAAAHHHHHHHH!”

Disgusting GIF

I am now convulsing and retching uncontrollably, gasping for fresh air, only to be met with more of the same foul odor – again, onlookers think it is the funniest thing they’ve seen since Despicable Me 2. 

“What’s wrong Teacher?” someone sniggers

“Well…I think that should be obvious – I am wiping up sick with my bare hands” I mutter,

“What Teaaaacher?”

I go for a change of tactic and pick up some of the sturdy flash cards we have for vocabulary, by chance it is “meat” and “story” that will be giving me a hand. I crouch back down and scoop it up, using meat as a makeshift plate and story as a knife to scrape it on to. (I’m basically the Bear Grylls of the kindergarten classroom.) I then push them together like the grossest Subway sandwich ever, and walk out of the classroom trying my best not to look at the contents of my hands. The assistant gives me a look that says something along the lines of “ohhhh, I would have did it…you have done it already? Oh, okay! Never mind!”

I decided to keep the offender out of playroom time, we sat and played on my phone quite happily. I was hoping he would be some kind of prodigy and beat my high score for me. He didn’t. But I didn’t let that get me down – thank God it’s Friday, right? Right. After the playroom time is up we all skip out and BLURAAAAGGGGGHHHH. Round two, all on a carpet this time.

Back in class again. (WHY ARE THEY NOT CALLING HIS PARENTS?) And we are trying to take it easy, coincidentally we are writing and drawing about good manners, I ask the offender for an example of polite etiquette – he answers “sitting nicely?” It’s a great answer! Isn’t it funny how we can always give good advice to each other, but don’t exactly follow it ourselves? Anyway, I digress.

It’s getting close to lunch time, it’s one of those watching the clock days.That’s when round three comes in, it’s exhausting to even recall it. And it’s putting me off my coffee even now, two days later.  But to say it was explosive would be an understatement. This child is like four foot or something and he basically has a river of vomit flooding from his mouth, where is it all coming from? I’ll say it like this, I had time to look at every kid’s facial reaction in the time that it took for him to finish. I could see this was scarring them for life. Good to know I wasn’t the only one.

I picked him up with one arm and grabbed his bag with the other. I then told the assistant to call his Mother, immediately. I don’t like to come off rude ever…but the new reservoir of sick that I had in my classroom was starting to distract the others just a little.

For some reason, he was still sat there when I returned from lunch. Whatever happened to three strikes and you’re out?! He wanted to play, and call me a “silly Grandpa man” when his vomit was probably still under my fingernails. Come on man, have a heart.

Alright GIF

And that is why kids make me sick.

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476 Replies to “KIDS MAKE ME SICK.”

  6. This story had me in stitches!
    I’ll be starting a job at a child care center soon, for kids as young as six weeks and as old as five years. I should soon have lots of stories and/or poems to share on my blog, maybe even grosser than this one. I should be experiencing plenty of spit-ups and dirty diapers, maybe even older child vomit (hopefully not).
    I’m glad I found a fellow blogger who is comfortable talking about gross stuff as well as a kindergarten teacher. I’m looking forward to reading more of your posts.

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  7. I’ve been there! I taught 5th grade. It took me a few times; but I finally found what worked for us. My rule was if you’re sick – “Go”. They were to go to the bathroom and I’d send someone to check on them. Rarely did anyone take advantage of the rule. They knew they’d be checked on by me, the nurse or even the principal. Of course, that’s not quiet so easy with kindergarteners. Sometimes, they don’t know they’re sick until they’re sick. I also kept a special packet of some great “cover it up” powder the custodian gave me. You threw it on the “stuff” and it neutralized odors somewhat. I hope you have a great year. 🙂

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  12. I enjoyed reading this post very much. I have the same feelings about the sick mess, even if it is my own children. Thank goodness for husbands.

    Thank you for reading about the Servants of Charity. My our stories help to inspire the work that you do.

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  13. I have been vomited on by my own children enough times to know how horrible that is. When your children are feeling ill, they come to you for a cuddle, so inevitably, you end up with sick all down your front and a child who is too traumatised to move and STILL wants a cuddle. It is bad enough having to clean it up if it’s your own child’s, but there is no way I could clean up anybody else’s. No way.

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  16. It reminds me when my daughter got sick while they were all in a circle and she threw up right in the middle of it. Worst part is all the other kidz got sick too by watching her get sick. My daughter was laughing so hard when she told me what happened (2 weeks laterlike she always does with embarrassing or reprehensive behaviors) but I couldn’t help laughing at it too..Imagininng the chain reaction…Poor teacher!!

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  18. That was hilarious! One time my younger son was throwing up, then his brother who was watching couldn’t help but throw up…I screamed for their father, who in turn, threw up….now I had three messes instead of just one. Ugh. I enjoyed your blog. Next time, get gloves on first John, they are located in the bio hazard kit in your classroom. 🙂
    -blessings-Loretta

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  19. I am currently studying to become a primary school teacher, and this story has made me think of all the little ‘accidents’ I may just encounter. Funny that until now I have pictured cute little children listening as I read them a story etc haha. This gave me a great laugh, but my god how gross!

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  20. As a mom, I sympathize! I have had to clean up my share of vomit, etc. Three times in one day! Wow, that’s too much for anyone to put up with … expect maybe with your own child. But someone else’s? My hat is off to you. 🙂

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  22. As a single mother to 5 offspring who have literally made me sick with their germs…I once lined the living room floor with plastic and then towels….I had three, toddler pukers going simultaneously for 6 hours one, fateful night. Welcome to the trenches, soldier. ❤

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  23. That was hilarious! Disgusting…but hilarious! You deserve a medal for putting up with three times of that. I’m pretty sure I would’ve just walked out and not come back. Can’t wait to hear more of your (hopefully less vomit-full) stories!

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  24. It will be silly of me to try and tell you how awesome your posts are after all these wonderful people have clearly done a better job than I ever could! Hence, I’ll just stick to what I came here for. I started my blog two weeks back very timidly and I had no idea other people were ever going to read any of it. But I was pleasantly surprised to see your “like” on my post and it actually made my day and inspired me to continue writing. Thanks a lot 🙂

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  25. I had to reread this to my mom and my son. This is so funny and they loved it as well. I have been there with my kids, but not other kids. Usually, I get sick too.

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  27. Umm, exactly why are you a teacher? Do you really hate these kids as much as it sounds like you do?

    If so, you seriously need to get a new line of work. Life is way too short to live with days full of rage and resentment and you’re not doing those kids any favors either. Whether you say the words out loud or not kids can pick up on the poisonous way you feel about them. Give yourself and them a break by finding a new job.

    If you’re just venting over a bad day, and I really hope you are, then try deep breathing any time you feel like losing it. Deep breaths in while counting to 6, hold for 4 seconds and then big breath out slowly for the count of 6. It helps more than any tranquilizer on the market, provides immediate stress relief and can be done at any time and place. You have to practice doing this when you’re NOT upset in order to remember to actually do it when you are upset. In the heat of the moment you WILL forget unless you’ve practiced.

    Kids get sick. Adults get sick. No one likes it and everyone could use a helping hand when they’re ill. Getting angry to the point of rage is a strange and unproductive reaction to a normal part of life.

    Good luck. I wish you and those poor kids better days ahead.

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  29. I worked in a nursery as a creative play assistant and as I never had children, I found it to be delightful, however, I had to laugh at the reality of this and the fact that you can’t help but love them…. They are kids after all…. Hopefully one day they may be the one scooping up sick with flash cards. Priceless. Thanks for the smile x

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  30. Thanks for liking my blog. Oh my goodness this story had me cringing and laughing all at the same time! Seriously eewww. What a great story teller you are though. 🙂

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  35. My OH my, you are as BRAVE as a WARRIOR! I wonder where that Janitor was??? (Hiding under the stairwell?) And where were those tardy parents??? And that assistant probably just assisted you by running away to another room right?! Oh yum, yum I can’t see her wanting to clean it up either! Blaaaahh… But Good on you man for staying at the scene of the crime.

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  36. The best way to deal with vomit is with a large bucket of clean-ish sand. It stops the smell and hides it from view, lessening the chance of sympathetic vomiting. Wait for a few minutes (really, the longer the better) so the sick is absorbed into the sand. Then you can use a shovel to scoop the lot into a bucket and dispose of it. Or you can keep a dog on standby. That works too. I was a nurse before I did my teacher training. It helped a lot! But seriously, if a kid throws up they should go home. They could have a serious gastro infection. If a kid vomits on you and you want to avoid catching their bug, boil up a big vat of water and Dettol. Jump in it.

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  37. Laughing outright! I taught 1st and K for 4 years. I had a similar experience that turned into a wave of vomit. One got sick, six other sympathy up-chuckers followed suit. Worst Day Ever!

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    1. haha! I hear you Darell! You can be the cool uncle…and then be like “ahh look at the time, have to go now!” much less errr…restrictive and a lot less sick I would imagine 😉

      Your comment made me happy too man, so thanks a lot!

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  42. Hi John! Oh my God this was hysterical, but you had me retching the entire time. I can’t believe his parents were not called immediately the first time around. Your blog is great. Thanks for following me. 😀

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  43. Priceless story, and oh, so funny! I work in a preschool, so I have had my share of sick goo to clean up, the worst ever being a hideous flu break-out. We needed Hazmat suits as four violent explosions occurred in the common room in a fifteen minute span one morning. Cat litter and scarves over our faces saved us from a similar fate…

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  45. And this is why I prefer junior high! Lol junior high comes with it’s own problems, but projectile vomiting is a rare occasion!
    I have two children grown now, and I’m pretty sure I paid my dues in vomit cleanup.
    Love your humor! I hope to have many funny (but not so gross) stories to share on my own blog as I start my new position!
    Here’s to a great year for both of us!
    Patti

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    1. hahaha! Ahh Patti, there are certainly pros and cons for both sides, that ‘s for sure…but that would be one HUGE pro for the older kids 😀

      Good luck with your new position, you are going do great! Wishing you all the best, will look out for stories, but fingers crossed for now gut-wrenching, sickening, and straight up gross ones such as this 😉

      Take care,

      John x

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  47. That was a hilarious story and reminded me when I was in the fourth grade and actually threw up on the new boy in class. He never was interested in me after that!

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  48. My first year of teaching I committed the number one sin of teaching: I left the room unattended. Yes, I know..horror upon horror but, hear me out..I was in a portable waaaaay in the back of the school, I was young and stupid and I had no assistant teacher. I was short on copies for a new student so I warned the kids to be on their BEST behavior and I would be back in a flash and would KNOW if anybody had gotten out of their seat! I RAN to the work room (of course it was across campus) to make my copies. I RAN back and the room was silent. DEAD silent. They were behaving BETTER than when I’m in the room with them. My eyes squinted, I scanned the room and when I didn’t say anything…the silence got to them..or least to one…One student couldn’t stand it anymore..Melanie whispered my name in a question. I scanned the room for any possible clues of what the hell was going on.

    “Yes?” I responded, and then she continued.
    “Well”, she stammered, “Jeremy got sick.”
    “What?” I snapped, “What do you mean sick?”
    “Well, he threw up.”
    The rest of the class simultaneously inhaled.. I didn’t see or smell anything…
    Jeremy was sitting in his desk, a little shell shocked perhaps, but looked normal and was doing his school work.
    “Jeremy, are you ok? I gently asked.
    “He shook his head yes and shrugged his shoulders, “Yeah, I feel fine now.”
    “Well, where’s the mess? I need to clean this up” I insisted.
    Melanie said, “we cleaned it up.”
    “What?”
    “Yes, Sarah and I cleaned it up.”
    “Why?”
    “We didn’t want to get in trouble.”
    I fell in love with my class that day and knew I had a great year ahead of me.

    And that is the difference between kindergarten and third grade. 🙂

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  49. thats too bad that you wound up almost adding to the puke the kid made. it could have been worse your whole class could have followed the kid and had you with a class room of puke .if nothing else you know what to do next time now.

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