KIDS MAKE ME SICK.

Kids make me sick. And, no, not just uncomfortable, or a little bit queasy – but down right, pit of the stomach, SICK. It’s just something that they do that can turn that “thank God it’s Friday!” feeling, into “thank God I didn’t eat a large greasy breakfast”…let me run you through Friday’s events real quick ~

So I’m sitting in my kindergarten class, going through one of the books – most of the kids say that it is “easy peas” (they’re Korean so cut them some slack on the misuse of the phrase!), however one of the boys struggles with learning difficulties, so I’m giving him a little bit of extra help. That’s when I hear the long whine that I hear about 3000 times a day (approximately): “Teeeeeeeaaaacccccherrr? Oh, Teaaaaaachhherrrr? Teeaaaaachherrr! TEAAAA-“

“Oh my GOH…WHAT?”

As I turn in a fit of rage (but still trying to maintain a pleasant kindergarten-esque smile), I see a horrendous sight. A six year old boy. With his arms outstretched, a crayon in each hand, has the squelchiest sick ever seen ALL down his front. He stares at me without blinking. I look him up and down, examining the new addition to his teddy bear t-shirt, in sheer disgust. This most certainly was not in the job description.

SHOCKER GIF

That’s when I suddenly realise I shouldn’t make a big deal out of it, so I walk around to his table, with as close to a reassuring face as I can muster. “Don’t worry, we’ll get you, WHOA, WOW”, that’s when I almost slide over on the mixture of rice(?) and carrot(?) that is right by his chair. So I pull him up without looking at it again and walk him out. (For some reason he still holds his arms out, holding the crayons, as if crucified in a state of shock).

I explain as best as I can to the assistant teacher outside, she nods and hands me some face wipes. FACE WIPES?! Perhaps I had some on my face? Did he projectile vomit all over me? Maybe I am in a similar state of shock, so I don’t realise? Not sure…oh no, scratch that! She’s gesturing that I should clean it up with them. Fantastic stuff. Thank God, it’s Friday.

So as I drag myself back into the room, which we can now refer to as, “THE PIT OF STENCH”, the other kids are going crazy, waving their hands over their noses at a frenetic pace and squealing in weird excitement; accompanied with the putrid smell, it is all making me very dizzy. Anyway, duty beckons – so begrudgingly I kneel down next to the specimen, I don’t want to seem like I’m scared of a little bit of…“URGAAAH” I yelp unintentionally…I’d forgotten just how gross the sight was. Of course onlookers think it is hilarious…I force myself on, and get out a few of the face wipes (like seriously though, what the hell?), and attempt to mop it up, I am of course, ill-equipped, and the sloppy goo seeps over the top of the wet tissue and floods between my fingers, “URGAAAAHHHHHHHH!”

Disgusting GIF

I am now convulsing and retching uncontrollably, gasping for fresh air, only to be met with more of the same foul odor – again, onlookers think it is the funniest thing they’ve seen since Despicable Me 2. 

“What’s wrong Teacher?” someone sniggers

“Well…I think that should be obvious – I am wiping up sick with my bare hands” I mutter,

“What Teaaaacher?”

I go for a change of tactic and pick up some of the sturdy flash cards we have for vocabulary, by chance it is “meat” and “story” that will be giving me a hand. I crouch back down and scoop it up, using meat as a makeshift plate and story as a knife to scrape it on to. (I’m basically the Bear Grylls of the kindergarten classroom.) I then push them together like the grossest Subway sandwich ever, and walk out of the classroom trying my best not to look at the contents of my hands. The assistant gives me a look that says something along the lines of “ohhhh, I would have did it…you have done it already? Oh, okay! Never mind!”

I decided to keep the offender out of playroom time, we sat and played on my phone quite happily. I was hoping he would be some kind of prodigy and beat my high score for me. He didn’t. But I didn’t let that get me down – thank God it’s Friday, right? Right. After the playroom time is up we all skip out and BLURAAAAGGGGGHHHH. Round two, all on a carpet this time.

Back in class again. (WHY ARE THEY NOT CALLING HIS PARENTS?) And we are trying to take it easy, coincidentally we are writing and drawing about good manners, I ask the offender for an example of polite etiquette – he answers “sitting nicely?” It’s a great answer! Isn’t it funny how we can always give good advice to each other, but don’t exactly follow it ourselves? Anyway, I digress.

It’s getting close to lunch time, it’s one of those watching the clock days.That’s when round three comes in, it’s exhausting to even recall it. And it’s putting me off my coffee even now, two days later.  But to say it was explosive would be an understatement. This child is like four foot or something and he basically has a river of vomit flooding from his mouth, where is it all coming from? I’ll say it like this, I had time to look at every kid’s facial reaction in the time that it took for him to finish. I could see this was scarring them for life. Good to know I wasn’t the only one.

I picked him up with one arm and grabbed his bag with the other. I then told the assistant to call his Mother, immediately. I don’t like to come off rude ever…but the new reservoir of sick that I had in my classroom was starting to distract the others just a little.

For some reason, he was still sat there when I returned from lunch. Whatever happened to three strikes and you’re out?! He wanted to play, and call me a “silly Grandpa man” when his vomit was probably still under my fingernails. Come on man, have a heart.

Alright GIF

And that is why kids make me sick.

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476 thoughts on “KIDS MAKE ME SICK.

  1. I used to work on the party boats when I was a kid. Lots of people got seasick. LOTs. When one started, the rest of them usually followed the leader.
    Yep. Been there. SO glad I don’t have kids!!

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  2. I’m so glad I stumbled across your blog! This is so funny and takes me back to 7th grade when a kid named Terry blew chunks all over my art project. And no, I’m not using “blew chunks” as a euphemism for “threw up” I mean he literally blew chunks on it. It was traumatizing to say the least. Thanks for ‘liking’ my Sunshine post the yesterday so I could come across this laugh today. I needed it!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Yet another reason I am thankful I have puppies rather than children. Cleaning a little dog nugget up is gross enough, but Ill never need to resort to the tactics you did!! Loved it!

    Liked by 1 person

    • That’s good to know Jennifer, I would imagine so…like err, baby changing, gross to think of – but just something you get on with as a parent (or so I am told!) I am glad you had a giggle, lovely of you to even read my ramblings 🙂

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  4. I gagged reading this, at the same time as laughing hysterically out loud. I am probably going to have nightmares now though. I am so not a kid person. I feel your pain.

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  5. BAHAHAHAHA @ “I am now convulsing and retching uncontrollably, gasping for fresh air, only to be met with more of the same foul odor” (as my co-workers look at me laughing like I just confirmed their assumptions that I may be a little weird). Poor baby/upchucker/sicky

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  6. Echoes of the movies “Stand By Me” and “The Exorcist.” Gotta love that projectile vomiting. I had a former co-worker and friend who said one of his Korean students told him, “You looks like sick.” I don’t think he was trying to tell him he looked like a floating puddle of vomit, but it’s an interesting possibility to consider. Thanks for the exuberant post!

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  7. LOL! I love children, but any of us who are teachers (and probably parents, too) knows exactly what this is like. This is when the love-hate relationship that is teaching takes a brief visit to the dark side! Well done! 🙂

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  8. LOL! Well said. Even if you’re a teacher like me who loves kids, I know exactly what you mean when something like this happens! It’s one of those times where the love-hate relationship that is teaching (I could NEVER have the patience to teach Kindergarten!) takes a brief visit to the dark side! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I knew there was a reason I didn’t want Grandchildren around just yet! Blurrgh! Thanks for liking my post. Happy Korea! : )

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  10. I was once trying to get a preschooler to do his work. He stopped, said he had to go to the bathroom, and so his parents took him. No big deal. He came back, sat down, and started to work. His eyes got all big and he froze. Finally, with a look of horror many times beyond his 4 years, he said “I need to tell my mom something.”. Through the window, I saw him go up to his mom and whisper something. She jumped up, spun him around, and pulled back his pants. Then she started yelling at him in Hindi and dragged him away while his dad came to get his homework. It was funny cuz I didn’t have to clean it up. Also that look of horror on his little face – I might remember that forever.

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  11. Thank you. I feel terrible that you had to deal with all that, but this post just made my day. I’m glad I’m not the only one that has the Vince Vaughn reaction “I can’t handle it”-I have a little puke machine ( that I love dearly) and I still can’t handle it.

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  12. Hilarious (I shouldn’t think so but do) and you do NOT look like a kindergarten teacher :). In my opinion, caring for children in any way is a Calling. I have 3 and love them to bits, but could never see myself looking after other people’s. Just not my Calling.

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  13. John, I really enjoyed your story, you do have a way with words…and kids, Kinds makes me happy not to be a kindergarten teacher. But I do have many memories of my own kids doing much the same. Ahh, Good times.

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  14. Ew! I completely understand you now. Before reading this I thought it would be some other reasons, but this makes sense! I was interested by the title of the post so I went to check this out to, well, just see it. 🙂 Amazing story!

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  15. kudos to you as a teacher, that is one thing I don’t feel equipped to do is clean up after someone else’s children, mine is bad enough. I gag my way through my own children, I can’t imagine this time of year as a teacher! Thanks for stopping by and reading my post, a little similar issue, although I didn’t find the humor quite as much as you did! 🙂

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  16. Kids make me sick too.
    Why are humans the only species with disgusting offsprings? I mean just look at puppies, ducklings, or almost anything and its better than human kids.
    Specially when they’re running free like montrosities and start irritating strangers (i.e. me) and their parents are just busy in their own little world.
    WHY?

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  17. John, that was the funniest thing I have read in a long time. As a mom and someone who volunteers in the classroom, I have been privvy to scenes similar to this, and the dialogue inside is just the best. You had me and my daughter in tears in the doctor’s office waiting room. I’ll be sharing this one! Thanks for stopping by my blog.

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  18. 26 things on my to-do list today, but can’t seem to stop reading your posts: they’re consistently brilliant. I love how you write (or maybe paint pictures) – expressive and impressive storytelling (and I’ve just worked out that I must have grown up, because I’m admiring your writing instead of just hating you for being better and funnier than I am) 🙂

    Like

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