Up or Down? (THE TOILET SEAT CONUNDRUM)

Since the dawn of porcelain potties there has been a vicious global debate…no sorry, not a debate – in fact I’d say it’s closer to a war. An unholy battle that seems to have no end in sight…relationships have crumbled, families have been torn apart – and billions of toilet seats have been spattered with hostile revenge pee…and for what?

Toilet Explosion GIF

I’d say it’s pride and ego mostly; which has been the unmaking of mankind from the very start of our civilised existence – and just like most of these rifts we will never budge from our own separate barracks, instead telling ourselves over and over that we have it right, and they have it all wrong; in this particular case women want the seat down, and men want it up. It all sounds so silly, and maybe it is…but if it’s so moronic a quandary then why do we have so much trouble overcoming it?

Now this debate doesn’t really affect me as I live alone and poop standing up (I enjoy the challenge) – so I feel I am at a unique position to weigh in for both sides impartially. As we know the main argument from the women’s camp is that they shouldn’t have to touch the bacteria infested toilet seat just because men are too lazy to put it down after use…well this would be all well and good if men absolutely loved touching gross toilet seats that are painted in various people’s faeces – but research suggests they don’t. There have been numerous reputable studies that have backed this up; or at least there probably would be if it wasn’t so glaringly obvious…so alas it seems only a small section of society take pleasure in such exchanges, and they are banished to a very dark and peculiar cavern of the internet – the large majority however find the prospect of handling human waste stained plastic horrifying, and rightly so… 

Vomit GIF

But what can we do? How can we solve this age old dilemma? 

Well, I think like all arguments in life a resolution can only come by making admissions and allowances on each side; a toilet treaty if you will. So this is my proposal as an impartial adjudicator…I suggest from now on we make efforts to meet in the middle, that way things are fair for everyone. What do I mean by this exactly? Well what I’m saying is we should leave the toilet seat in the middle – not up, not down…strengthen those hinges so that it can sort of just hang there awkwardly…that way it is just as inconvenient and annoying for everyone – and no one (not man, nor woman) profits from acts of kindness or outdated versions of chivalry…instead everyone’s toilet time experience is equally as frustrating. This can be one more remnant of a forgotten age of good manners that we cut off, and do away with forever.

But actually…as I make this suggestion I can already foresee a wealth of problems…well one problem really – and that is men and their fondness for peeing on things. Because even if hypothetically we have a utopian middle of the road toilet seat situation…guys will actually see this is a little challenge, sort of like one of those game stalls at the fairground – except even more rigged…after all we don’t have a Super Soaker  as much as we may like to pretend – more of a leaky faucet if anything…better than what the ladies have for sure, but still no sharp shooter…

Cowboy GIF

So where does that leave us then? Well, right back at the start unfortunately. I am not sure there is one acceptable answer, as either side will never back down – if we wanted to blame something then maybe we could pin it on our ultra fast, ultra busy way of living these days…we are so wrapped up in our schedules that no one can afford the half a second it takes to put up/down the toilet seat…in fact it is completely absurd to even suggest anyone undertakes such an exhausting task! But yet, the saga rolls on – and a glimmer of hope remains, hope that someday some visionary like an Albert Einstein, Charles Darwin, or a Steve Jobs will come through and revolutionize things for us…but until that day the war will rage on.

Peeology man…it’s a tough one. 

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26 thoughts on “Up or Down? (THE TOILET SEAT CONUNDRUM)

  1. I had a doctor, (male) who rigged his bathroom for his client so the seat would always go up after you stood up…..the women had to put it down and sit really fast to keep it from going up…when asked why….he said it was his bathroom and he was the man so why not…..I would of never known he had a sense of humor without this…..LOL

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  2. I am even more absurd. Yes, I want the seat down because I don’t like sitting on cold porcelain, but even worse I want the lid down too. I want it all closed. I don’t want to see the inside of any toilet unless I’m using it. Needless to say, this level of persnickety doesn’t go over well in my house so I walk around the place closing toilet lids. I suppose I shouldn’t mention that if I’m passing the washroom in other people’s houses and I notice the lid open I have to pop in and close it 🙂

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  3. Actually the reason we want the seat down is that, with an open lid, the bacteria from *inside* the toilet gets spread around the entire room within 10 minutes (I may be wrong on the timing) so if you don’t mind having tiny drops of urine and fecal bacteria on your toothbrush, go ahead and leave the lid open. But not in my house 😉

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  4. My fiance and I operate by these rules: If he groggily stumbles to the bathroom in the middle of the night and the lid isn’t up, the worst thing which happens is he has to wipe some pee off the toilet seat in the morning. If I groggily stumble to the bathroom in the middle of the night and the lid isn’t down, I fall ass first into nasty toilet bowl water and have to baby wipe my entire backside to feel clean again (heaven and hell forbid I fall in AFTER someone has forgotten to flush–that’s a burning hot shower at two in the morning). So I decided that for each time I have to wash toilet water off of my ass in the middle of the night because I fell in, that’s another day I feel too gross to have any sexy times.

    I no longer fall into the toilet. =)

    Liked by 1 person

  5. My theory is this…if a man is expected to leave the toilet seat DOWN, then why shouldn’t the woman be expected to leave it up. It’s only fair. SO in my house we close up the entire shop LOL No arguments whatsoever.

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  6. In our house if we don’t want to see Sport, the Siamese, looking like he’s hurling from one too many the night before, then you just put every lid down. It also keeps the ferrets out of potential trouble and in the end, I guess I win. 🙂

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  7. Wow… This is a big issue in my house. Not mentioning any names, but there is a male in my house, who feels its gross to lift the seat up to pee. So, he does his business, but the seat is not always the way I like it, when it’s my turn. After some screaming, it is now acceptable for me to sit down and not worry about having a wet backside. Did you know, there are actually a lot of men who pee sitting down? There was an episode on “curb your enthusiasm” (tv show) with Larry David, explaining why that’s the best way to pee.

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  8. I used my first “non western” toilet today, a public toilet in Tokyo. Until today I’ve always avoided them but today, there was no choice. Yikes. None of that bourgeois western “up or down” nonsense there, I can assure you 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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