Bustin’ a Nut

Forgive me for venting, but don’t you think nuts get unfairly branded negatively just about everywhere you turn? I’m not sure who decided on the marketing decision to use nuts as a frame of reference for just about everything that isn’t wonderful in the world…but whoever it was has totally ruined the good nut name for generations since, and I for one think it’s not right.

Baby Born GIF

This is how much it upsets me (approximately).

Everywhere a nut dares to venture in the world it has to face horrendous stereotypes…typecast automatically before anyone can even get to know it. That’s largely because the n word has been stretched and contorted out of all reality, and transformed into something that it doesn’t resemble at all…here are just a few unfortunate but all too real examples:

That guy licking his dog’s leash looks like a nutter – let’s cross the road.”

– when detailing a possibly mentally ill man, and his infatuation with an inanimate object.

He thought he had came back from the dead to spread Noah’s message. He was completely off his nut.”

– when gossiping about a friend’s recent revelatory adventure whilst in the throes of an opiate high.

Urgh, this disgusting salad has a nutty taste…let’s go get a burger instead.”

– when blaming nuts for the overall dissatisfaction you have with your grossly unfulfilling healthy choice.

Omg Aragon GIF

Aragon is absolutely sick of it.

But you see it shouldn’t be this way, and we can be the change. After all nuts can be your friend, if you would only look past all of the false tall tales and into your heart. They can be great sources of protein, and from my personal experience are great listeners. They’re also rich in antioxidants, and have a number of other uses; such as something to throw off people who get too close to your picnic, a last alternative to have with beer if the world runs out of salty/cheesy snacks, and a whole host of chat up lines – such as “you remind me of a walnut, because you have a brain and I want to eat it.”

With all these plus points it’s an absolute insult that they remain slandered at every opportunity…so what are you waiting for? Get out there and reclaim nuts for all of their positive traits! Don’t let a few bad apples ruin it for the rest of them…

Snow White GIF

For the record she loves nuts.

…and if you really have to hate on a certain group, make it apples. They don’t keep the doctor away at all – just ask Snow White. 

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Edward Sausage-Hands

How does a person afflicted with stubby little pork sausage fingers even begin to play the guitar? The mind boggles…

Oh, and I know I am just whining and complaining – after all my Dad, his brother – and one of my own brothers play guitar very well. But still…help a guy out? Or maybe I should take up the triangle.

If you have a video request you can leave a comment, or send me an email – if it’s a cool/interesting idea then I will get to it as soon as I can!

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Alarm Clock Hock

I used to be awoken by alarm clock every day, like just about everyone the world over…it’s annoying little chime would rudely awake me from my peaceful rest in slumberland, and bring me back to the real world with a grunt and a grimace. However now this routine has became somewhat defunct:

Peter Smash GIF

No longer needed!

You see now my new neighbour (who lives just below) wakes me up instead. This is not an improvement by any means. After all he doesn’t come to my door with breakfast, or gently jostle me from my sleep with a good morning tune, or send in some chirping songbirds…no. Instead he wakes me by riving his window open with tremendous force, hocking (by which I mean drawing all of the saliva, and bogies from the back of his throat) a couple of times – and then slamming the window shut so hard that it shakes the entire apartment complex…it’s every single morning with the same visceral middle ages type sound:

“HUUUURRRRRLLLCCCCK! HURRRRRRRLLLLCCCCCK! ARGHHH, ARGHH ~Short sniffle break~ HUUUURRRRRLLLCCCCK! HURRRRRRRLLLLCCCCCK!” (Spit, and repeat up to four times)

“DON’T YOU HAVE A BATHROOM?!” I often find myself  screaming out in desperation to the nothingness, to which there is never any reply – I mean it’s 6:30am why would anyone be up apart from Mr. Fucking Saliva; the early bird who is also a dirty worm…

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We are yet to meet each other. My imagination is working overtime.

It’s that old chestnut – not knowing what you have until it’s gone. I think back  to when I would complain about that annoying polyphonic mobile tone – but now I can’t see how I used to have the audacity! I reckon my blood pressure has gone up twofold since his arrival. In fact it feels like one of those cartoon thermometers every time…rising up rapidly until the glass at the top shatters! Yes, that’s how my day starts…as stressed out, and pissed off as poor old Coyote – except there’s no Road Runner high-jinx involved. Just “HUUUURRRRRLLLCCCCK! HURRRRRRRLLLLCCCCCK!” 

If I didn’t spend a couple of hours with the cheeriest of chaps after this, it may be able to affect my day for the worst…but thankfully all the singing, dancing, and I’ll be honest blood-curdling screams takes my mind off it!

Till the next morning of course. “HUUUURRRRRLLLCCCCK! HURRRRRRRLLLLCCCCCK!” 

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Peed my Pants.

Let me vent about a horrible little BASTARD at my work-place…this piece of shit, urghhhh  – look alright, I’m sorry and everything, but this simply has to be said. I can’t put it off any longer, and I can’t let this kind of behaviour slide for one second more! I just can’t let it pass! After all, if I don’t say anything then no one will! Not a single soul! It’s almost like I’m the only one who cares!

Who am I talking about you wonder? Which spawn of satan is it I speak of? Which horrendous beast from the darkest depths of a man’s nightmares?!

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THAT’S RIGHT PEOPLE, IT IS NONE OTHER THAN A LEAKY URINAL!

It taunts me every single day – without fail. It invites me into it’s little area, makes me feel welcome – tells me I am the only one…which is actually strictly true as I am the only male in the entire office! But then just as I am in one of the most relaxing states a man can achieve, it splutters, and spits all over me…leaving me doing a little two step jig to try and avoid the messy spray of the damn thing!

So naturally afterwards it looks as if I have no control over my…well you know. I come out of the bathroom littered with drips all over my shoes, and lower half. I am forced to cling to the walls, walk backwards…anything to make being found out more difficult…

Excuse the pun, but it’s not like I can come clean – “Hey, don’t you hate that urinal in there girls? Right…RIGHT?! I mean it LOOKS like I have peed all over myself, but actually it’s the toilets fault…”

Leaky urinal GIF

“Yeah, yeah…whatever you say…” they would reply, thinking it was one of those thou doth protest too much moments. Fucking Shakespeare, you ruined it for other guys you terrible prick!!

Anyway, it’s taken me a year of this nightmare (trying to dodge the sensor, trying to wear darker clothes, trying to not care that it looks like I’ve pissed all over my shoes) to realise I could just use the proper toilet, and avoid the fuss altogether. I guess I must like a challenge or something, or I’m a complete idiot. The latter is more likely. 

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Umbrella Please!

I should probably preface this by pointing out that (in my experience) Koreans are an amiable, friendly, and warm-hearted lot! But naturally there’s always the bad apples…and I met one on Saturday night…

The setting was central Itaewon, it’s a very ‘foreigner-friendly’ place, which isn’t particularly my bag – but I was out with friends, and we were heading to the next place in high spirits…it was then that we were stopped by a kind looking middle aged Korean lady, who looked rather unassuming, and normal…if there is such a look. Anyway, she was stroking my friends arm, and speaking in a soothing voice, what exactly I am unsure. But after a few awkward moments we started to walk away, and that is when all hell broke loose. That was when I definitely knew what she was saying…

“SHEEE-BAL! SHEEE-BAL! KAAAAYSECKY! SHEEE-BALLL!”

(“Fuck off! Fuck off! CUNT! FUCK OFFFF!”)

Nod Emma GIF

Yes, I know the swear words better than than the language itself, but let’s not focus on that issue! Let’s instead focus more on the fact that this stranger was suddenly spitting (literally) at us, for just carrying on our way. I actually didn’t know what to do – I don’t think anyone did who was there to behold the spectacle. She had just went from 0-100…from a sweet Minnie Mouse, to a mad spluttering Donald Duck. 

All I could do was try and dodge the spittle, because no matter how much I wished that I had an umbrella – I knew that wouldn’t make it suddenly appear.

KAAAAYSECKY! SHEEE-BALLL! KAAAYYYSECCCCCKY!” 

Her eyes were flooded with violence, as she wagged her arms like mad hate-filled propellers in our general direction. We stared in disbelief, and then just shrugged, and turned away…hoping she wouldn’t follow us further to give us an earful! Thankfully she didn’t – I’m assuming she must have met another unsuspecting group, and started the whole mad conversation all over again.

Single life, huh? Fun times. 

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Lost Marbles

I think I may have just lost my marbles…not literally obviously – I mean I don’t even own marbles in the first place, so it would be impossible to literally lose them. Also I’m quite careful with things, especially with particularly precious items – and I’m guessing they must be pretty fucking special marbles if people bemoan misplacing them quite so much. And make such a huge hullabaloo even when other people do the same with their own…

So yes…metaphorical marbles. I may have lost mine. Although I must say I wasn’t certain – so naturally I turned to the glorious all-knowing oracle we know and love – The Internet…she had this to say:

Losing Marbles

Well I’m not living under a bridge like poor Jimmy, but I do still feel slightly mad. I left my house today needing a change of scenery, I told myself I’d find a cafe so I could continue. But I didn’t find a cafe…well I did actually, I found several – but I didn’t stop. I just kept walking, and I was like “well, that was a cafe? Why didn’t you go in? What’s going on here?!” But I wasn’t listening to myself, or more to the point – I was, but I was ignoring my own queries every single time I passed a perfectly good place.

Just wandering around, then waiting for the lights to change – and then across the road I’d go, then down a street, then around a corner, and on again…and again, and again…sometimes seeing the same faces of stranger’s – who looked bewildered at having spotted me three times in fifteen minutes. I tried to look like I had direction. Like I had an urgent appointment. A business meeting…a lunch date…something that normal people do…

I feel deranged. 

And all of this was poorly glossed over by the music that trickled out of my earphones. A droning crooning…about hearts falling off things, or into things…or something along those lines anyway. It began to grate on me, so much so that I would shut it off completely, if it wasn’t for the fact I’d hear the world’s external sounds. Better this, than that. 

But where do you buy marbles? All this coffee, and no fucking marble shops – I haven’t even heard of a marble shop now I come to think of it, have you? 

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5 Things That Define Me.

I got an email out of the blue recently, with a rather intriguing question – the person wanted to remain anonymous (which is fair enough!), but said they were more than happy with me answering publicly on a blog post! 

The question was a lot longer, but in essence boiled down to – “what are five things that you feel defines you as a person?” Now, I’ll admit it took me a while…but after some soul-searching, and head scratching, I think I have a roughly formed answer…so, here goes…

1. Sense of Humour:

Funny GIF

This may be an obvious one to most, but I feel that my sense of humour best defines who I am…it’s in lots of ways my coping mechanism in awkward situations (that old stereotype), but in others I feel it serves to simply make my outlook brighter – as by making others laugh, as well as myself – it boosts my overall state of mind…and makes me feel healthier, and happier in the process. Naturally this site has taken that to the next level, and has worked wonders.

Wasn’t going to say this – but whatever – as someone who has secretly felt deeply depressed, and on  the brink of bi-polar disorder the past couple of years…my sense of humour has provided that light at the end of the tunnel.

Think of all of my stories, without any of the humour…they would just be inane ramblings about how fucked up, and horrible the world is, right? They would be just post after post, of how miserable I find my existence.Well, that was me, I’m embarrassed to say…so I guess I am starting things by saying thank you. 

Anyway, back to the jokes, here’s the next one:

2. Fashion Sense:

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I’m not saying I am a diva, or anything of the sort! I don’t even follow trends for the most part, I just know what I like, and I like what I wear! It wasn’t always that way…Linkin Park hoody here…shaven head there…but after a few years of copying styles, and trying to fit in…I am finally at a point where I just don’t give a shit about all that.

Still wish I had more money so I could splash out a lot more, but for now I just have to Gok Wan it, by switching around stuff to make “fabulous” outfits. And yeah…I do like shopping…if that’s weird, then so be it, man!

3. Love of Food:

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Listen – I tried the whole healthy eating thing, I kinda still go to the gym (ish), but I just can’t deny the bond I have with food. I’ve tried, and I’ve failed. What can I say? I can’t live without it! 

It must be love…as my old Grandmother used to say every time she was feeding me, “It’s like stuffing a bloody couch with you!”  But then again, if I ever declined food she said I was, “turning into one of those anorexics!” 

So hmm…couldn’t ever win. Whatever the reason, food is my soul-mate…my BFF.

4. Hip-Hop:

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Yeah, I get that look a lot. But music is a big part of my life, and although I love a whole host of stuff from other genres (your favorite artists included, perhaps!) Nothing has touched my soul like hip-hop has…and no, not so much the, bling-bling, yo-yo-yo, etc, etc, type (that’s my parent’s perception of it largely!) But instead I am talking about the early Outkast stuff, Talib Kweli, The Roots…Big KRIT…and so many more, clever wordsmiths, who touch on so many issues, and subjects the world can resonate with…if they just listen...all with a sense of humour and wit, without making the song “jokey”, or cheesey…they speak of a desire for something greater, about the work-ethic required to get there – and how true happiness has to be the goal to feel accomplished. There isn’t anything else like it, for me.

Oh, and yeah I did once think I would be a rapper (in my head only), but I then had a re-think, once I considered the fact you’d have to go up on stage…and in front of people…and…all that…MC RedCheekz…DJ Purrz-Piration…

Don’t really have a ring to it…oh well. 

5. My Mind:

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So much of the human condition in itself is lived through our minds…that in itself, is fascinating to me. I just love the thought of everyone having this rare, and intricately unique tale to tell…and everyone having their own personal view-finder for the life they live. I live in my head, as I am sure lots of people do – thinking through just about everything, and every variation of every subject that pops up in there…my head is basically like a computer with a virus…except I am not sending in Norton any time soon…I am just doing my best to make sense of the pop-ups. 

The novel I am writing at the moment, explores this to the extreme…through the view of a deeply disturbed character. His actions, and his life itself blurs into each other – which has me intrigued…as when I consider this…so does my own. 

~

What about you then? Which 5 things define you? Have a little think – and let me know! Thanks again for the question…really made me think!

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Mrs. Satan (South Korea)

South Korea ~ Suwon – 2014

I have just endured a very, very, weird work situation. Loved the kids for the most part, and was blessed with some pretty special workmates – my bosses though…hmmm…how do I put this in a clear, but dignified manner? How about this for size…they were absolutely fucking mental.

Continue reading “Mrs. Satan (South Korea)”

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