Peed my Pants.

Let me vent about a horrible little BASTARD at my work-place…this piece of shit, urghhhh  – look alright, I’m sorry and everything, but this simply has to be said. I can’t put it off any longer, and I can’t let this kind of behaviour slide for one second more! I just can’t let it pass! After all, if I don’t say anything then no one will! Not a single soul! It’s almost like I’m the only one who cares!

Who am I talking about you wonder? Which spawn of satan is it I speak of? Which horrendous beast from the darkest depths of a man’s nightmares?!



It taunts me every single day – without fail. It invites me into it’s little area, makes me feel welcome – tells me I am the only one…which is actually strictly true as I am the only male in the entire office! But then just as I am in one of the most relaxing states a man can achieve, it splutters, and spits all over me…leaving me doing a little two step jig to try and avoid the messy spray of the damn thing!

So naturally afterwards it looks as if I have no control over my…well you know. I come out of the bathroom littered with drips all over my shoes, and lower half. I am forced to cling to the walls, walk backwards…anything to make being found out more difficult…

Excuse the pun, but it’s not like I can come clean – “Hey, don’t you hate that urinal in there girls? Right…RIGHT?! I mean it LOOKS like I have peed all over myself, but actually it’s the toilets fault…”

Leaky urinal GIF

“Yeah, yeah…whatever you say…” they would reply, thinking it was one of those thou doth protest too much moments. Fucking Shakespeare, you ruined it for other guys you terrible prick!!

Anyway, it’s taken me a year of this nightmare (trying to dodge the sensor, trying to wear darker clothes, trying to not care that it looks like I’ve pissed all over my shoes) to realise I could just use the proper toilet, and avoid the fuss altogether. I guess I must like a challenge or something, or I’m a complete idiot. The latter is more likely.

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34 Replies to “Peed my Pants.”

  1. Being the only male in the office ,the least they could do is fix this!
    As for the shoe problem…maybe look for something to cover/protect them? How about these blue plastic baglike things you get when entering a gym or swimmingpool? Or just stick them under the blowdryer if you have one 😉


  2. I have the opposite problem at my work. For some reason the sensor never works for me, but of course it’s no problem for anyone else. It’s always an awkward moment when there’s someone waiting behind me while I frantically wave my hand back and forth in front of the sensor to no avail.


  3. I am reminded that I once read about Sadhus (Indian wandering mystics / yogis) who claimed to have so much control over there sexual energies that they bled seamen.
    And this in turn reminds me about the awkwardness of trying to be a Catholic with regards to all things sex.
    I’m not saying I don’t think that sex and masturbation are probably more often than not, or nearly always, destructive (in some way or another). But then its not easy to avoid making a mess in ourselves and in this world.
    If you’re stuck with the spitting urinal and can’t figure out to just use the toilet instead, and you find this painful and frustrating, then maybe consider that this kind of thing could be happening all the time, sometimes with devastating consequences. What does one do?


  4. Try as I might I confess I don’t understand the experience in its entirety, but I can commiserate with you. Also, I am mystified by the fact that unlike you there are intelligent, articulate men out there that are blissfully unaware of good restroom hygiene and etiquette.

    You book, though, is amazing. You could be the male version of Scheherazade. 😀


  5. HIlarious and informative! I expect nothing less from you. Next time I see the guy that I assumed waited to long to go to the restroom, I promise not to think he was negligent!


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