Writer, Filmmaker, & Procrastinator
This is a tale of woe, a tale of misery…you may even shed a tear…
I mean I just ate a burger so I’m quite content – but what about you?
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Some words of advice from my Eastern European(?!) alter-ego…not sure where he came from but whatever – DADBOD! GET ON IT!
I’m silly sometimes, sorry. Okay…all the time…
If you have a video request you can leave a comment, or send me an email – if it’s a cool/interesting idea then I will get to it as soon as I can!
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Please buy my collection of stories! Get it in paperback here – or on Kindle here! ALL proceeds go towards Macmillan Cancer Support!
We are often told by Hallmark card sentimentalists that “life is a rollercoaster”, and that “there are ups and downs”, and whatever else they bother to print. Which may or may not be true, but that’s not the point I’m making. Instead I am just stating that these printed catch-all messages don’t prepare you for the real depressingly low slumps in the human experience. I mean if they did, then we wouldn’t be so shocked every time these ugly demons dared to spring forth and rudely shake us from our peaceful normality…
You see recently there were whispers around my workplace of a “sandwich day” for the kids. So naturally I was overjoyed! A WHOLE DAY OF SANDWICHES – A WHOLE WORKDAY OF SANDWICH DEVOTED WORSHIP! I mean come on…I said “overjoyed” – but there’s not even a word for how excited I was! Actually maybe there is…let me Google that real quick…ah wait, here it is:
I WAS RAPTUROUSLY BEATIFIC!
Yes…that! Imagine a whole day dedicated to sandwiches. I mean, I don’t know how it would really work – but I’m just imagining that maybe each kid brings in a different bread, or cheese, or veggies, or meat…and maybe there would be different sauces…dressings…or you know…whatever on the go – no biggie. Maybe we could test out which breads tasted better as they are, or which should be toasted. Just an idea! Oh! Yeah, and maybe we could check to see if certain cheeses complemented other items, and which worked against them and were a little too overpowering you know? Basically it would be a service to science in a way…we’d be helping people, we’d change lives. It wouldn’t just be about eating sandwiches – although that would be an obvious key component of the day.
(These were my brief thoughts on the matter, I must make it clear that I didn’t spend too much time dwelling – and the proposed sandwich day definitely didn’t seep into my sleeping dreams…)
Anyway…it turns out the aforementioned sandwich day just means that we have the Tuesday off work, and not the Monday – or something like that. So Monday is like a huge stinking lump of ham in the middle of two glorious pieces of bread (the Sunday, and the Tuesday). Consequently ~ the term sandwich day was formed.
You’d think I would be pleased with all this talk of days off work, and whatever else…but that is not the case – instead I find myself mourning the loss of sandwiches that could have been…and burrowing away in daydreams about what they would look like, and how they would taste…
Perhaps I’ll have my own sandwich day! Yeah, that’ll show em – off to the shops now, wish me luck!
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This is a bit of an over-share, I know that for certain…but I am hoping someone can shine some light on what is so far a very dark day…
So after an innocent child mistook my man boobs for actual woman’s boobs sometime last week (to my absolute horror), I decided that perhaps I should clean myself up a bit. You know, look at my diet and regime to see what can be altered…so that people can hopefully stop asking me if I’ve had a sex change. That’s all I ask really, it’s not much is it?
Well I saw that lunch and dinner (usually…) aren’t too much of a problem as I go for traditional style food…high in salt sure, but mainly balanced and full of vegetables. So instead it was breakfast where I was lacking, and making poor choices. Well not poor choices, fucking fantastically delicious choices – but you know what I mean. Not good for the dear old belly – although at the time they make the cuddly chap very happy indeed.
Oh, interesting side note – if I latch my belt tighter by one extra hole then it gives the appearance of a flatter stomach. Thought I would share that, because right now the discovery is changing my life. I am having my cake, and beating it! (Beating the bulge that is.)
Anyway, yeah – back to the horrendous diet thing. So I bought a load of fruits and vegetables, which as we all know are way more fun to buy than disgusting tasting things like pizza, burgers, and chips. I mean, ewww! Cheese? Grease? Fatty goodness? Gimme a break…some people are so selfish. They only like things that are like…delicious…in an obvious in your face kind of way. They have such lazy tastebuds. Myself however, I prefer things like fruit, and vegetables…because you really have to discover the tastes, and also (more often than not) lie to yourself and pretend it tastes great – which takes great dedication and character.
NO SERIOUSLY HARRY! That’s what real functioning adults do, and if you don’t do the same then you are a total loser and deserve to be thrown into a deep fat fryer – your natural habitat…
…ahh Harry man, I can’t stay mad at you – you were right. This new fruit and vegetables for breakfast thing is ruining my life, and I am only like two days into it. Today I’ve had three poops and it’s not even 3pm yet. I mean…that’s simply not normal is it? When you have a pet rabbit it’s like fair-dos but humans have other things to do than sit on the pot 24-7. Or at least so I thought.
Is this how all of the health nuts live? All the people that shame others into eating “right” in order to live forever (or whatever the claim is) – is this how their day looks? Just constant pooing? Is it like a fetish thing? Do they do it intentionally, or is this just a terrible yet unavoidable side effect?
Or am I a broken human, and this shouldn’t be happening? Perhaps I’m faulty? Maybe I should just have a pizza, and make everything okay again? Yeah…yeah?
ALRIGHT I’M HITTING THE RESET BUTTON! BACK TO PARADISE I GO, AWOOOOOOO, SEE YOU ON THE OTHER SIDE SUCKAS!
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I HAVE SOME FANTASTIC NEWS FOR YOU! NEW, AND VERY SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH FROM MY KINDERGARTEN CLASS! BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU READ PEOPLE!
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www.youtube.com/storytimewithjohn101
Please buy my collection of stories! Get it in paperback here – or on Kindle here! ALL proceeds go towards Macmillan Cancer Support!
Sitting here, staring into the grey abyss of my cereal bowl. The foul putrid liquid that softens, and dulls the frosted flakes – turning them into flavorless cardboard husks before my very eyes. How did it come to this? Do I deserve this fate, which is surely worse than death?
Low fat…it’s low fun. It’s flavourless, it’s bland. There is no bacon, no cheese. No syrup, no chocolate – no extras, no treats.
You don’t want diabetes, you don’t want cancer, you don’t want obese bum cheeks…or whatever else they say. So naturally you end up following certain elements of these horrible currents of advice. I’m waiting, not so patiently – for when we begin to celebrate real men or whatever, who have a nice little pouch stomach…like a kangaroo I guess, but not as cute, and well no baby – just gluttony in there. When we begin to celebrate real men for having burger bap nipples, and chaffing thighs – well then I can just let go completely, and will possibly never stop. I can’t wait.
Like I literally can’t wait, so fuck it – I’ll just start now, best to get a head start…right?
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Please buy my collection of stories! Get it in paperback here – or on Kindle here! ALL proceeds go towards Macmillan Cancer Support!
I really want to lose weight. I am sick of it. It follows me around everywhere…clinging to me, dragging me down with no regard for how I feel. I have simply grew tired of this one sided relationship! So in desperation I tried to lose it in a shopping mall – I ran around a corner, and kept on running, hid in the bathroom for a little while…then meekly popped my head out to see if it had caught up, it hadn’t! But that moment of triumph was short lived…as it found me again in the food court. It always finds me eventually.
One time I tried to lose it in the countryside, I thought I would take it out, and trek up a huge mountain to wear it out – give a promise of a huge meal at the end of it, and then just leave it there – drive away, and let it starve to death. But then when I returned home, it was already in the kitchen, eyeing up the fridge and cupboards.
It will never leave me, I am stuck in this situation, and will be forever.
A friend of mine said she lost her fat, but it took over three years to do so…apparently it was agonizing, and there were a few occasions when she caved, and would meet up with it – ignore her better judgement, and have a date at Mc Donalds like the good old days! But after a while she cut it off completely…and rarely hears from it these days.
That gives me a glint of hope…maybe someday I can lose my fat too.
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John Lee Taggart 